Are any of you running into this? Curious what other people's preferences are

[EatYourVeggies]

My friends and I had a good debate the other day regarding our recent dating adventures. I wanted to throw it out there and see what other women / men (young and old) perspective and thoughts are.

 

A little bit of background to assist you with where we are at and stage of life we are in. I am in my early 40s and my friends are late 20s / 30s. Some here might described us as "bad boys" when we younger because we were focused on our careers, dated a lot for "fun" (with some LTRs mixed in) and "sowing our wild oats". Today, we have long since retired from "the scene" (bars, clubs, partying, etc). You could say that we are pursing LTRs or Marriage and not interested in racking up numbers or one night stands.

 

Obviously this post is coming from a total male point of view. I'm going to generalize, not be politically correct or list out every single possible exception. My intent is not to be judgmental, superficial or offensive or get into a gender war. Another thing, my friends and I are healthy, normal, intelligent, successful, productive members of society, etc. so we can leave trailer park trash, crack addicts, wife beaters, sickos, nutjobs, mentally ill, etc. out of the discussion. Those people tend to date within their group anyway and don't apply with my friends and I or the discussion.

 

Let's use the last two women I recently went on dates with as an example and the fact that I know people who are friends with them, I have been given a little more in-site than customary on both of their "stories" (background, history, where they are now, what they are looking for, etc.) and know both are frustrated with dating, looking for a LTR with the hopes that it could lead to marriage.

 

Note:

1. It's only been a very limited number of dates with each and VERY early on. I am still multi-dating and I so are both women. For my friends and I, this is NORMAL and what we accustom too. If you have a hard time grasping that concept or offended by that probably not my target audience with the thread.

 

2. One of my girl friends the other day scrolled through their Instagram accounts so I included what I gleaned from just a 30 second peak.

 

Woman A

A friend of mine recently meet her and has been wanting me to meet her for the last several months. We recently a group function where she was invited and had the opportunity to finally meet her. Exchanged numbers and have since gone out on a two dates (which have been great).

 

32 Years Old

Attractive / Nice figure

Intelligent

Good Career

Fun

Sense of Humor

 

Drinks / Parties a lot and still into bars, clubs, parties, etc.

Has friends who Drinks / Parties a lot

Due to the 2 above she has / deals drama / chaos

Dated some normal guys and "bad boys" and had several LTRs with each

Some financial / debt / credit issues not sure of the extent

 

Instagram

 

Tons of partying pictures

Tons of guys - Making out (usually in a bar / club). 1 since we went on a date and saw 5 or 6 others

Memes / Quotes that allude to the fact she is a Goddess in the bedroom

Lots of pictures where she is drunk or has a drink in her hand

Grabbing her Boobs or her friends or half naked

 

Woman B

Met her through a co-worker at social / work type function. Exchanged numbers and have since gone out on three dates (which have been great).

 

26 Year Old

Attractive / Nice Figure

Intelligent

Good Career

Fun

Sense of Humor

 

Active Social life and still enjoys girls night out from time to time

I would date / set my up any of buddy with her friends

Had the "bad boy" phase and her share of fun in college but dates and been in LTRs with normal guys

 

Instagram

 

What I would post if I was Social Media

I could add her as a friend and have to worry about embarrassed or offend my friends, family, co-workers, clients

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

My friends and I are obviously aware of the "dating" and "marrying" type and which type we would label the women in the example above. That isn't what makes us scratch our heads or something we need to discuss. What my friends and I are wondering is the mindset of woman who is late 20s and beyond who thinks / believes she is the "marrying" kind but her life, men she typically dates, lifestyle and how presents herself is in direct conflict.

 

Using me and my friends as an example, we once were the "dating" type and our lives / women we dated / lifestyle clearly reflected that. However, if you look at where we are now ("Marrying" type") our lives, women we date and lifestyle matches up.

 

Also, it's not like my friends and I do not have life / dating / relationship experience and perspective that goes with from good and bad experiences for the last 10 - 15+ years. We have dated wrong / party / wild / fast women and got our asses handed to us more than once (lying, cheating, etc). We have also been witness to many a co-worker, family or friends who dealt with affairs and divorces. So what I am saying, we aren't 24 year old punks who are going to ignore 63 red flags and marry the hottest / funniest girl we find and think it all just works out.

 

We are also no stranger to what my girl friend told me about Woman A. She isn't having a lot of "fun" and can't wait to meet a guy so she can get out of "the scene".

 

<zips up flamesuit>

 

Woman B - Has A LOT less "mileage" due to her age and choices she makes and because of that fact she has had mostly positive experiences with men / dating / sex / relationships and not the least bit jaded, cynical nor does she come with a lot of "issues". Also, she younger (26 year old) and "hotter". Not to say the 32 Year Old isn't attractive, she is. But I would be lying if I said that her "exciting life" didn't show and her best days looks wise are behind.

 

Anyway, I am still dating Woman B and the reasons why have nothing to do with looks, it's actually everything else.

 

For the sake of the discussion / thread, it's not really a question of just looks. I only mention it because even though looks are obviously a factor with a lot of men and there are still a lot of men who would choose the "marrying" type who is a little less attractive over the hotter "dating" type. Hard to explain but I hope that I am making sense. This is no different than a girl who just started dating two guys who both were a lot of fun and great but one works at Starbucks and the other a VP at IBM. It's NOT the deciding factor but for many it is a factor that is weighed (how much varies person to person).

 

Which brings me back to what my friends and I were discussing... FOR US and what WE ARE LOOKING FOR... Why Woman A if she wants a guy like us (which her friend and she herself said) think it's important to at the very least be / present herself like someone we would want ("marrying" type). It use to be annoying when you met these women. If they only make some minor tweaks to their life / lifestyle and not be so in your face and flaunt it all over social media... We would actually be interested in going further with them. No problems, I was once the Male Version of them when younger so I get it.

 

It becomes off-putting and borders on the offensive when they are early 30s, not even the youngest / hottest girl in the room anymore, have lots of "baggage" and STILL under the assumption that you should / would / will choose them. The fact that there is a room full of woman who are 6 years younger, hotter, no where near the "baggage" or "mileage" eludes them. We can't quite put our fingers on it but it's either they think they are still 23 (and the rules essentially don't apply) or a total complete lack of awareness they are now in "competition" with other / younger women and that a lot of men (especially when older) prefer / want the "marrying" type.

 

<unzips flamesuit>

 

It very well could be that even though my friends and I were "taught" over the last 10 - years that the "dating" type is not a very wise thing to do (plenty of experiences to back up our beliefs) when selecting someone for a LTR / Marriage we are limited in our views and our experiences were outside the norm.

 

Back in our 20s, as a general rule guys didn't want to marry the women who were still acting / presenting themselves as the "dating" type and women when ready to settle down / marry didn't act / present herself like the "dating type" thinking it would attract the best / quality man. Extreme Example to drive home the point: We dated / slept with Brittney Spears, Kardassians, etc. we would never consider much less marry them.

 

I am not filing a complaint. It's not an issue finding lots of women and men who also share our same thought process. There is no right or wrong answer and it really comes down to our own personal preferences / beliefs as to what matters, attracts you to someone and makes you happy in a relationship. We were just seeing in a much larger percentage that men and women in their 20s, 30s, 40s views on this sort of thing seemed to have changed or at the very least doesn't hold as much weight as it once did.

 

I am totally open to hear what other people's thoughts are and does this sort of thing even factor in your choices of who you date, enter into a relationship or marriage with.

[Emilia]

She doesn't care about you as a serious prospect because you are too old. By the way it's weird to me that a 45-year-old has such extensive conversation with his mates about his private life. You come across less mature than your actual age. Not really sure why you are posting a group opinion as if you were unsure of your own.

 

Nevertheless, since looks appear to be your main thing, you attract shallow people in return who don't care about you all that much. No mystery.

[EatYourVeggies]

She doesn't care about you as a serious prospect because you are too old.

 

She is the one pursing so me and the one interested in a relationship. We have different interests and yes, I'm sure age (even though she is no spring chicken) has a lot to do with it.

 

By the way it's weird to me that a 45-year-old has such extensive conversation with his mates about his private life. You come across less mature than your actual age. Not really sure why you are posting a group opinion as if you were unsure of your own.

 

Huh?

 

It's not normal for a group of single men to discuss how life is going in the dating world and concepts such as the "marrying" type and "dating" type?

 

Can't speak for everyone but seems to be what most single people do and all day long on this forum.

 

Nevertheless, since looks appear to be your main thing, you attract shallow people in return who don't care about you all that much. No mystery.

 

Did you even read my post?

 

If you are into a guy who gets drunk every weekend in bars, posting shirtless pics of himself and making out with other women, cool.

 

All I was saying, the female version of that in her 30s isn't what I am looking for. I just found it strange that she thought that I would based on my lifestyle / age and how I was presented by our friend. Obviously, She didn't and neither do you. However, I suspect there are other women and men on here who aren't interested in a relationship / marrying someone who does that sort of thing.

Edited February 29, 2016 by EatYourVeggies

[blackcat777]

As a child whose biological parents had three different marriages on either side... I definitely never had ANY education (directly or by example) about what the "marrying" type of woman is like.

 

If I hadn't met someone totally amazing and had a revelation of, "Oh my god, I don't want to screw this up," I'd still be running around doing lots of stupid things for attention, too.

 

To an extent, the "dating" type of woman is glorified in our culture. She's hot, she's fun, she's sexually liberated... blah blah blah.

 

I started reading all kinds of relationship psych after I met my boyfriend, because I wanted so badly to learn what DOES work... seeing as... nothing I ever had before worked and there was no one in my family to look to for examples.

 

Now I'm a Loveshack nerd

 

Conducting yourself in a way that is respectful... both to yourself, to your relationship... has a lot of rewards (inspiring the commitment of men being one of them). It doesn't mean I'm any less fun, or any less of a wild cavelady behind closed doors...

 

It's difficult to explain... but a woman doesn't necessarily increase her *perceived* value or get what SHE wants (if she wants commitment) by recklessly broadcasting a more aggressive sexual energy.

 

There is a time and a place... and there is huge wisdom in minding the right times and places...

 

I know I've attracted better men (commitment-minded, self-respecting, healthy boundaries) when I display these qualities myself. In trying to be the best version of myself, I've noticed my boyfriend mirroring the efforts, too, which is really beautiful, because we just bring each other up.

 

While I have been in mostly LTRs, this is the only one where a man ever seriously discussed marriage and a life together with me. I can definitely chalk that up to me making healthy decisions for myself and conducting myself in a more respectful way.

[katiegrl]

It becomes off-putting and borders on the offensive when they are early 30s, not even the youngest / hottest girl in the room anymore, have lots of "baggage" and STILL under the assumption that you should / would / will choose them.

 

The fact that there is a room full of woman who are 6 years younger, hotter, no where near the "baggage" or "mileage" eludes them. We can't quite put our fingers on it but it's either they think they are still 23 (and the rules essentially don't apply) or a total complete lack of awareness they are now in "competition" with other / younger women and that a lot of men (especially when older) prefer / want the "marrying" type.

 

 

What I don't get is why do you (and your friends) find this off-putting and borderline offensive? Why take it so personally?

 

Why should the fact they believe they are marriage-material (and they very well may be despite all their so-called "flaws" according to you and your friends) be of any concern of yours?

 

It's not as if their belief is a personal affront to you or anything, I don't get it.

 

Or perhaps you are you insulted? That they have the nerve to think that they could possibly have a chance with an awesome guy like yourself? And their thinking this must mean that you may NOT be the awesome guy you portray yourself to be?

 

In any event, if these women aren't for you, don't date them!

Unless I am missing something (and I very well may be)....I am not understanding why this is such an issue for you.

Edited February 29, 2016 by katiegrl