ktya Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 OK. Backgrounder. GF is kind of living with me, she's working part time and parents were driving her nuts and asking for more than she could afford for room and board. She'll probably move in with me more officially when she secures more hours. Right now I'm paying most of her way, food drinks etc. I don't have a problem with it, it would really suck for me to buy vodka or something and just drink alone lol. So Saturday night I got some stuff for fancy cocktails, because the cocktails were milk based we got some vodka too. We had a nice day went out for lunch. We were kicking back at my place and I had a few friends stop by, two different couples at different times. While the second couple was over my gf was playing guitar, she has a beautiful voice and I nodded off on the couch. (bear in mind Wed had quite a few drinks by this point) I woke up at like 7 and she and the couple were still up going strong. I found it odd but I've seen stranger things. I walked with the dude to the store and he was all like "just so you know man, she was totally down, she knew you would be pissed, but just in case she tries to blame it on us, you just need to know she was totally in on it" I was a bit confused by that but I was kind of piecing it together. When I got back she was in the bathroom with the girl. At that point it was painfully obvious so I blasted open the bathroom door and demanded to know if they were doing coke. She came clean, even though they weren't doing it at the time I came in. I kicked out the couple because they were fighting and I was pissed off. They wouldn't leave so I called the cops, they left just before the cops arrived. Then I had it out with my girlfriend. She didn't want me to find out because she knew I would flip. She apologized and definitely felt remorse. I told her I might break up with her over this I was so angry. As I got more of the story turns out she paid $40 for half of it and went with them to pick it up. She gave me $60 to help out because she was staying with me. She did 8 lines throughout the night. She is very sorry and didn't try to justify what she did. What pisses me off is this : 1. She knew I don't want coke ever in my house, did it anyway and tried to hide it from me. 2. I paid for all the booze and food for the night and she proceeded to go get blow and when I woke up everything was gone. I'm talking three 26 ounce bottles. 3. I would expect my girlfriend to at least wake me up and run by me that she wanted to completely change the dynamic of the night 4. I would have expected her to ask the couple to leave shortly after I fell asleep. She didn't know them at all and I barely know them. She hasn't done coke in 5 years. As she described it to me they brought up getting some and she said she'd be down so that's how the plan was hatched, which is entirely believe able. What also sucks is we had lunch plans on Sunday, I cancelled them with my friend because she's pretty straight edge and I wasn't about to bring my girlfriend along while she was up all night coming off coke and looking like hell. I'm going to talk to her in more detail tonight now that I'm not raging angry. I told her I forgive her and that I'm not mad anymore, albeit very disappointed. She has promised to never do anything like that again and is really sorry for disrespecting me like that. I've partied with her like a rock star and cocaine never came up. Any thoughts?
Grumpybutfun Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Subterfuge and deceit are relationship killers. It is time to have a talk about expectations and honesty, then if she walks over your boundaries again, you will know she disrespects you and is duplicitous. Make sure she understands what you will not tolerate and place those boundaries...then honor them by kicking her to the curb the next time she acts like an errant, rebellious teenager. Best, Grumps 2
Mr. Lucky Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 4. I would have expected her to ask the couple to leave shortly after I fell asleep. She didn't know them at all and I barely know them. I agree with everything you said but #4 above. You need to keep your own house in order and drinking til you pass out with near strangers in your place is asking for trouble. In essence, you're asking your GF to do something you weren't prepared to do yourself, not really fair. When I start to fall asleep at my own party - guess what, the party's over. My daughter did something similar at college and woke up to find her cell phone and laptop gone . I agree the coke at your place is a serious boundary issue... Mr. Lucky 2
d0nnivain Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I am anti drug -- zealously so. You bring drugs into my house, you get kicked out & I never speak to you again, EVER. No excuse or apology needed because none will be accepted. Let her go live with the other couple. 2
amaysngrace Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 If these rules were that important to you they should have been clear BEFORE Saturday night. What a buzz kill 1
Author ktya Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 I agree with everything you said but #4 above. You need to keep your own house in order and drinking til you pass out with near strangers in your place is asking for trouble. In essence, you're asking your GF to do something you weren't prepared to do yourself, not really fair. When I start to fall asleep at my own party - guess what, the party's over. My daughter did something similar at college and woke up to find her cell phone and laptop gone . I agree the coke at your place is a serious boundary issue... Mr. Lucky While I agree with your objection to no 4 in principle, in practice it doesn't always work out that way. I didn't realize I was going to nod off like that, I was lying on the couch listening to her play and sing. The guy said it was like she was singing me a lullaby, after the second song I just blinked and my eyes didn't open again. If I was thinking of going to bed I would have asked them to leave myself. The whole night was wrong on so many levels.
Author ktya Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 If these rules were that important to you they should have been clear BEFORE Saturday night. What a buzz kill She knew I wouldn't want coke around in my house which is why she tried to hide it from me. She knew I'd flip.
amaysngrace Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 She knew I wouldn't want coke around in my house which is why she tried to hide it from me. She knew I'd flip. How'd she know? You said you two "partied like rock stars" and "cocaine never came up". 1
Author ktya Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 How'd she know? You said you two "partied like rock stars" and "cocaine never came up". Because I told her that I never want coke in my house, and that I wouldn't date anyone who does coke. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Because I told her that I never want coke in my house, and that I wouldn't date anyone who does coke. Oh. Then break up with her. 4
Author ktya Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Oh. Then break up with her. I nearly did and told her as much. I told her if this happens again she'll be out the door. It's not charachteristic of her to do coke, she did it once five years ago. And like I said, I've partied pretty hard with her before and she's never expressed an interest in doing it, even long before we were together.
Ms. Faust Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I nearly did and told her as much. I told her if this happens again she'll be out the door. It's not charachteristic of her to do coke, she did it once five years ago. And like I said, I've partied pretty hard with her before and she's never expressed an interest in doing it, even long before we were together. Do people do cocaine so casually? I am also anti drug, anti smoking, etc. I would completely disassociate with a significant other who did this to me. I wouldn't even know where to get coke. 1
Author ktya Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Do people do cocaine so casually? I am also anti drug, anti smoking, etc. I would completely disassociate with a significant other who did this to me. I wouldn't even know where to get coke. Drugs are like a slippery slope. Before you try it, you can easily refuse it. Once you've tried it, if it's offered or becomes available, under the right circumstances it's very easy to do it again, even if your not addicted. In her case, being pretty drunk and having it become available with a few people who really want to do it made it easy, despite even the fact she'd know I'd flip if I found out and she doesn't really have the money. I'm not straight edge myself but I know I have an addictive personally as it runs deep in both my father's and mothers families. I'll drink, smoke weed, very rarely do MDMA. I tried some psychedelics when I was a lot younger. I've always avoided being around cocaine because I know under the right circumstances I might be coaxed into trying it - and I know I'd like it way too much. For this reason I don't want it anywhere near me. Ditto for a lot of other harder drugs. My girlfriend also has an addictive personality so this development scares me. Now that she's done it so recently and cavalier, it might happen again. I will say one of the things that makes me mad as hell us when a partner lies about drug use. I have every right to know if I'm comfortable with what and how much my partner is doing. If it's bad enough to lie about it shouldn't be done in the first place.
TheArtist Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 The fact that you do some drugs yourself makes me think that you are inviting drug use into the relationship, but the fact that she betrayed your trust, and went behind your back, not to mention breaking the law in your apartment, is a serious issue. I'm not sure I would give her another chance to be honest, it very easily comes back again. It's not worth the worry.
Toodaloo Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Any thoughts? Your picker is still way way WAY off with the fairies... Why on earth do you move these women in within five minutes of meeting them? The last one was a nightmare and caused all that hassle and now you are doing it again? Let me guess. They are good looking. I only say that as nothing else sounds all that appealing about these women... 1
mrs rubble Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Because I told her that I never want coke in my house, and that I wouldn't date anyone who does coke. BTDT- only it was meth in my case & I dumped him & kicked him out. No regrets, don't drop your standards for a druggie. 1
Author ktya Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 I had a good serious talk with her. I've been seeing her for 8 months almost every day and this has never been a problem. I'm giving her another chance and I've told her how I feel especially about lying about drug use. Other than pot I do MDMA like once every 6-10 months. I smoke weed like once a week. I'd hardly call that inviting drug use but to each their own. I will monitor the situation and I've been very clear I almost dumped her and if this happens again I will. I was also clear that lying about drug use again is instant dismissal. I'd rather she just tell me the truth before or after and I can have a conversation with her, even if it's one of grave concern, rather than getting so angry. Case closed.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 While I agree with your objection to no 4 in principle, in practice it doesn't always work out that way. I didn't realize I was going to nod off like that, I was lying on the couch listening to her play and sing. The guy said it was like she was singing me a lullaby, after the second song I just blinked and my eyes didn't open again. If I was thinking of going to bed I would have asked them to leave myself. You're asking your girlfriend to take responsibilities for her actions - you should do the same. While the second couple was over my gf was playing guitar, she has a beautiful voice and I nodded off on the couch. (bear in mind Wed had quite a few drinks by this point) Don't drink to the point you can't control your wakefulness. Case closed... Mr. Lucky 2
MidwestUSA Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Can you really believe that she hadn't done it in five years prior to this? That's what I'd be asking myself.
Author ktya Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 Can you really believe that she hadn't done it in five years prior to this? That's what I'd be asking myself. Believe me that very question is top of mind. If I hadn't spent practically every day with her since August I don't think I'd be able to trust the situation at all. But I have, and like I said, coke has never even come up in passing, even when she wasn't my girlfriend and had no skin in the game. After our conversation, sounds like it was largely a one off thing, maybe the kind of thing she'd do once every few years. I'm keeping my eyes wide open but there's no sense dwelling on it. If all we talk about is this we may as well just break up. For now, I'll keep an eye on it. She knows very clearly that I have no interest in a girlfriend who is "into coke" and if I catch her lying about drug use she's gone in a heartbeat.
Author ktya Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 You're asking your girlfriend to take responsibilities for her actions - you should do the same. Don't drink to the point you can't control your wakefulness. Case closed... Mr. Lucky Maybe we agree to disagree, but if my girlfriend fell asleep for whatever reason I would feel it was my responsibility to do my best to look after her house in her best interests and knowing her wishes. I'm not angry with her for not asking them to leave, but I did speak with her about that. Hindsight is always 20/20 but I suggested to her that if I end up falling asleep with guests over, in the future just give me a bit of time to wake up and if it's apparent I'm down for the count, politely suggest they go home and don't let them pound back all my booze and food while I sleep. Honestly, this single one responsible decision would have likely avoided everything that followed ranging from the coke to the police incident in the morning. I invited these two over for a few drinks, not for a coke fueled all nighter. I'm not angry with my girlfriend about that major pivot but I have spoken with her about how to handle that kind of situation in the future. She may be living with me in a more official capacity in the near future, and these are the sort of things were going to need to work out.
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