WhirlwindGuy Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) I am just curious what the collective has to say about how often you and your SO hang out. I have been dating the same woman for about 3.5 months now. There has been weeks where we see each other every day, sometimes a couple of times a day. We go out at night or stay in, and usually see each other at lunch. She has been under a lot of stress lately (the past two weeks) with business decisions, family issues, work issues, etc. and it seems to me like she is pulling back a little from our relationship. We still text off and on, and there are times she seems like she is really in, and other times she feels almost annoyed with me. Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed she isn't as "lovey dovey" with me as she had been before, she hardly ever reciprocates an ILY, and she just overall seems a bit distant. She has also stated a few times that she probably wont be able to meet for lunch a lot for a while due to work things, and she has stuff going on in the evening on other days... Overall, she just seems less into me as she used to. Am I reading into this too much? Is this just typical relationship cooling off stuff? How often is normal to be hanging out at this stage of a relationship? This is all new to me, the last relationship I was in like this was a 10 year marriage, so I am new to the game and unsure of what to expect. I brought it up this past Saturday night via text that she definitely seemed out of sorts, and I asked if everything was OK? I mentioned that I knew she was under a lot of stress from work, and her business stuff, but was it anything else. She mentioned trying to juggle all of the responsibilities, and added me into the list of responsibilities. She was just under a lot of pressure and it wasn't anything to do with me...I told her I really don't want to become just another chore for her to deal with, that's not really my idea of a healthy relationship...she kind of got offended and said that wasn't what she was saying, etc. We talked it through, etc and ended on a good note I guess... Im still just trying to feel it out. Am I overreacting here? I have a feeling I probably am. I guess I would love to be able to see her every day and for her and I to tackle these responsibilities together, but she doesn't see it that way yet. She definitely puts in a lot of effort to our relationship, but im starting to fear she is getting tired of it. To me, if our relationship is just another chore in her list, then it would be very easy to just scratch that off the list and focus on other chores, which almost seems like that is what she is doing lately. At least she isn't devoting as much time to it. Should I worry about this, or just let it go, do my thing and see what happens? Is this normal stuff, or a sign of things to come? I have really fallen for this girl, and I really see us making a life together. I don't want to walk away, but I fear compatibility issues if she cant prioritize her life better. An analogy I was giving my friend is that I basically put her and I at the center of my life, and build my responsibilities around that, making sure her and I remain at the center. She puts her self in the center, and builds me, along with her responsibilities around her. Usually I get a spot, but more and more getting a spot is getting harder. I don't really like that method. Am I being unreasonable? Edited February 29, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy
rester Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I brought it up this past Saturday night via text that she definitely seemed out of sorts, and I asked if everything was OK? I mentioned that I knew she was under a lot of stress from work, and her business stuff, but was it anything else. She mentioned trying to juggle all of the responsibilities, and added me into the list of responsibilities. She was just under a lot of pressure and it wasn't anything to do with me...I told her I really don't want to become just another chore for her to deal with, that's not really my idea of a healthy relationship...she kind of got offended and said that wasn't what she was saying, etc. We talked it through, etc and ended on a good note I guess... Bringing up these types of conversations by text is generally not advised. I suggest keeping the emotional discussions face to face or by phone at the very least. I basically put her and I at the center of my life, and build my responsibilities around that, making sure her and I remain at the center. She puts her self in the center, and builds me, along with her responsibilities around her. Usually I get a spot, but more and more getting a spot is getting harder. I don't really like that method. Am I being unreasonable?I lean more towards her viewpoint, especially since you've only been seeing each other 3.5 months. I wouldn't expect to be seeing her more than 2-4 times per week at this point. You may have a compatibility issue here. I don't think your viewpoint is wrong, and some people will share your viewpoint, just as some will see her side of things. What do your friends say when you share this with them? 1
d0nnivain Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 At 3.5 months I would feel smothered by daily contact unless it was incidental to something else. I saw my grad school BF every day because we went to school together. If it required effort, it would be too much too soon. Although with technology some communication -- a call or text or social media post woudl be OK. Then 1-2 week day dates & 1 weekend sleep over but probably not both Friday & Saturday night. 1
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Fair enough, I think you guys are probably right. I'm used to being married, and seeing my SO every day for years. This is an adjustment for me, for sure. I don't want to overreact, so I am looking for an experienced opinion. My friends say I should just back off, do my thing and let her come to me. That is basically what I have started doing as of this weekend. Not being rude or anything, but just filling my time with other things and being available if she decides to come around. We don't really do any sleepovers (cultural / family thing explained in previous threads from me). We have went out of town together on work trips here and there, but not in a little while. We are scheduled to go on vacation together to Las Vegas on 10 March for a few days. Our hanging out usually consists of meeting for lunch, and then she usually makes time a couple of times a week to go out after work (usually between 5pm and 1030pm) Other days she may stop by for 30 min or so, have tea, talk for a bit, and then head home. So while we have seen each other every day, it isn't for long typically. Almost every weekend, she works out of town at a second job (She works A LOT). So when I don't have my son, ill occasionally go with her. What do you think about the slowing down on being too affectionate, saying ILY, etc.? She used to be very affectionate, even in public, lately that's waned a bit. Is that to be expected? Should I just ignore it and see how things go?
d0nnivain Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 You can't really measure any of this stuff on a calendar. Your relatively new GF is not your wife, so the intimacy & time commitments will be vastly different. Instead of asking up, talk to her. If you just fade with no explanation, she will conclude you are the one who is not interested & this will only get worse. 1
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