Struggling to get over my ex...

[Kehv]

Just felt like writing a little about me struggling to get over my ex.

 

My ex-girlfriend dumped me 8 months ago (6 year relationship) when she found out a colleague was into her, she secretly went out with a date with him, 3 days later she broke up with me.

Prior to those 3 days it seemed like nothing was wrong, we did everything a couple should do, she came over to my place daily (we didn't live together because of cultural differences, marry first...), still had sex .. you name it.

 

2 weeks post breakup they are officially together. 2 Months post breakup they already went on a holiday together. My ex had been contacting me a lot during those 2 months untill I had to cut her off for my own health, which she really hated.

 

I haven't really seen or spoken to her for many months after that aside from the occassional breadcrumb she sent my way.

The last breadcrumb came around 7 weeks ago, she said something like:

"Hey How are you?", "Just saw you when I drove next to your house" "Didn't you go to ......'s birthday?"

 

I know it was just a breadcrumb and decided (with help from this forum) to ignore the message.

 

I haven't seen my ex untill about 3 weeks ago...

There were festivities in my country, people dress up like Halloween, things like that.

I was standing on my balcony, smoking a cigarette, playing with my phone untill I hear someone calling my name. Obviously it was my ex-girlfriend and she asked me if I would go party.

I was shocked but acted like I didn't care. I knew she was most likely going to the same place I was going to and there was a big chance that new lover of hers would be there aswell.

 

Since I've bought a ticket I forced myself to go anyway, perhaps I would see them together but it would happen someday anyways. Besides, If I didn't go she would know I stayed away because of her.

 

While at the party it didn't take me long to notice her, I just did minded my own business untill after a few hours she asked a friend of mine (a girl) "Who Is he (me ofc) with?" The girl told me my ex was asking about me.

 

Then I saw my ex looking at me and told something to her friend, probably something like "My ex is over there". I decided to man up and approach her instead because she probably wasn't going to.

 

So, we talked for a few minutes. She asked me how I've been and immediately wanted to know why I ignored her message and why I blocked her (didn't block her just deleted my profile pic).

She also asked me if I was still angry at her and said "We don't have to be enemies".

 

At one point I told her "Look, We can talk more but not now, not here" She agreed and said we should meet up sometime but she threw the ball in my court (she litterally said that) because I ignored her last message. I told her "You don't have to put the ball in my court".

 

Eventually we went seperate ways. I felt good before the conversation but I felt great after the conversation, not sure why.

I felt like my ex was nervous when talking to me, not the powerful girl anymore when she dumped me. It could be because I manned up, I don't know. I suppose it could also be indifference?

 

We didn't talk anymore but I noticed my ex staring at me quite a few times. Especially when I was talking to another girl. When I looked her way she acted like she didn't look at me.

My ex usually is very happy at a party but this time it was like she felt uneasy and couldn't enjoy herself.

Oh yeah and her new guy wasn't even there bytheway.

 

Anyways, I hope some people could explain her behaviour. I'm being realistic I think. Personally, I don't think she's totally over me yet but perhaps I'm reading it all wrong.

 

Perhaps some of you have some tips on how to move on. She's still on my mind after all these months.

[kztar]

Dude im sorry to tell you but you need to BLOCK her and completely cut her out of your life for your own SAKE. Days, months and years will go by and you wont move on unless you do this. Usually by the 8th month mark you should have made some sort of big improvement but this wont happen until you cut her off.

[Kehv]

OK thanks for the info.

 

I must say though that I did block her on Facebook, just not on Whatsapp yet. In the past 6 months I never initiated contact with her whatsoever, I'm doing pretty much everything to move on but the feelings are still there.

[Jasejasejase]

Hi don't block her because you want to make sure she has some way of getting back in contact. Guess that's the key ... Accepting that you genuinely want no contact.

 

Im 8 days into no contact ... And still every time my phone beeps I hope it's her. I can't block her standard number but have removed myself completely from what's ap

 

No contact is great but doesn't it such when the only thing you want is contact from the other person

[Zahara]

I decided to man up and approach her instead because she probably wasn't going to.

 

I'm not understanding how this has anything to do with manning up? If anything, manning up would have been ignoring someone that was likely cheating on you. I can't believe 3 days and a date made her dump you after a 6 year relationship. No overlap? If anything, it was an indication to her that you are still affected.

 

She asked me how I've been and immediately wanted to know why I ignored her message and why I blocked her (didn't block her just deleted my profile pic). She also asked me if I was still angry at her and said "We don't have to be enemies".

 

She knows why you blocked her, why you ignored her. She's not stupid. Of course, she can't stand feeling like the bad person. You just alleviated her guilt and absolved her of wrongdoing by engaging with her.

 

At one point I told her "Look, We can talk more but not now, not here" She agreed and said we should meet up sometime but she threw the ball in my court (she litterally said that) because I ignored her last message. I told her "You don't have to put the ball in my court".

 

This woman was probably cheating on you and then contacting you while she was with another man. If you have any sense, you'd run and run fast.

 

I felt good before the conversation but I felt great after the conversation, not sure why.

 

It's because you got a big ego boost.

 

I felt like my ex was nervous when talking to me, not the powerful girl anymore when she dumped me. It could be because I manned up, I don't know. I suppose it could also be indifference?

 

Still not sure how you manned up.

 

We didn't talk anymore but I noticed my ex staring at me quite a few times. Especially when I was talking to another girl. When I looked her way she acted like she didn't look at me.

 

She sounds like the kind of girl that doesn't want you yet doesn't want anyone to have you.

 

Anyways, I hope some people could explain her behaviour. I'm being realistic I think. Personally, I don't think she's totally over me yet but perhaps I'm reading it all wrong.

 

You said her new guy wasn't with her. I have to wonder if she's circling back because nothing else is going on in her life.

 

Perhaps some of you have some tips on how to move on. She's still on my mind after all these months.

 

Block her.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Zahara

[Jasejasejase]

Meant to say you don't completely block her because you want some way for her to get back in contact

[Kehv]

Thx for the reply.

 

By 'manning up' I meant the way I talked to her and acted like I didn't care that much.

 

I have reason to suspect she wasn't cheating on me (physically) for a longer time than those 3 days. Emotionally cheated, yes obviously.

 

I'm not an English native speaker so I don't really get the "circling back" sentence...

[Zahara]

By 'manning up' I meant the way I talked to her and acted like I didn't care that much.

 

Indifference would have meant not caring what she thought as to whether you attended the party or not. Indifference would have meant you not caring to approach her at the party because you had better things to do and interesting people to meet. You went because you cared about what she thought. Approaching and your conversation showed that you were still affected. And if you keep allowing her access to your life, 8 months from now you'll be in the exact same spot you're in now. If you want to get to stage of indifference, you need to block her. There is no in between.

 

I have reason to suspect she wasn't cheating on me (physically) for a longer time than those 3 days. Emotionally cheated, yes obviously.

 

I have a hard time believing that 3 days of emotional cheating and one date was enough for her to end the relationship. But that's just me.

 

I'm not an English native speaker so I don't really get the "circling back" sentence...

 

Who knows why her boyfriend wasn't there but it could be that she doesn't have someone in her life right now so she's coming around and looking for someone to give her the attention she needs.

[Kehv]

@Zahara

 

It was a colleague so I don't mean she emotionally cheated on me for 3 days, that has to be a longer period, I meant physically.

What she did on that 'date' I dont know but 3 days later she would dump me. In those 3 days I noticed something was wrong she suddenly was distancing herself from me. If she was cheating on me before that, wouldn't she already did that sooner?

 

2 weeks before she dumped me she even talked about marriage. Could women be so cruel to talk about future plans when they are sure they will dump you?

 

I do agree I should not have approached her, you read all kinds of different things on the Internet, which is why I made that decision. I ignored her for the first 2 hours, I felt like she was nervous, that's why I did what I did.

 

I'm pretty sure she's still with that guy.

[Zahara]

@Zahara

 

It was a colleague so I don't mean she emotionally cheated on me for 3 days, that has to be a longer period, I meant physically.

What she did on that 'date' I dont know but 3 days later she would dump me. In those 3 days I noticed something was wrong she suddenly was distancing herself from me. If she was cheating on me before that, wouldn't she already did that sooner?

 

Does it matter? Whether it was 1 day or 100 days? She was carrying on with another man behind your back -- regardless of whether it was emotional or physical.

 

2 weeks before she dumped me she even talked about marriage. Could women be so cruel to talk about future plans when they are sure they will dump you?

 

Yes. My ex was talking about growing old together and a few days later I caught him cheating on me. It's common on LS -- dumpers talking about the future, being loving and committed soon before ending the relationship. Men and women do it. It isn't gender biased.

 

I'm pretty sure she's still with that guy.

 

All the more reason for you to block her and move on. You're never going to move on if you keep allowing her to pop in and out of your life.

[Kehv]

OK point taken, I will block her. Thanks for the replies.

 

Still, I don't think just blocking her will do the trick just yet but I guess it's a start. I do think I made the right choice just to go out though, I can't lock myself up just because I can meet her somewhere, she lives 800 meters away from me.

[Zahara]

OK point taken, I will block her. Thanks for the replies.

 

Still, I don't think just blocking her will do the trick just yet but I guess it's a start. I do think I made the right choice just to go out though, I can't lock myself up just because I can meet her somewhere, she lives 800 meters away from me.

 

Blocking will help you move on, that is if you are true to NC. And that means severing all forms of communication with her. If you see her in public, you move away and avoid contact. You don't have to attend parties when you know she's going to be there, especially when you know you will be affected. The priority is healing. It means focusing on what is best for you regardless of what anyone else thinks. It means doing things for yourself that you know will protect you rather than put you in situations that confuse and hurt you. You don't have to lock yourself up. I think that's an exaggeration on your part to justify your choice to go to the party because you wanted to be where she was.

 

My ex lived very close to me. I did whatever I could to stay away from him. And that meant changing my driving routes, shopping at a different grocery store, avoiding places I knew he frequented -- it's called self-preservation -- that is IF you want to heal.

[Kehv]

OK well thanks for your help anyways.

 

In my defence, I did buy a ticket to that party and I did not know she was going to be there untill 10 min. before I went there. I could've chosen not to go, I really did not want to go to be honest. I'm not lying here, it wouldn't help me ofcourse.

 

If anything, I'd say she knew I was going to be there since I always go there. Hell, it's not even her music taste. I know a lot of people at that club, while she was there with just 1 friend.

 

Obviously I want to heal. I did not contact her or seen her for 6 months so I'm not chasing her.

 

Anyways, Thanks for the info

[Zahara]

Obviously I want to heal. I did not contact her or seen her for 6 months so I'm not chasing her.

 

That's good. Try to stay NC and keep her blocked. You'll be in a healthier state of mind in time. Just focus on moving on. Good luck!

[kztar]

Most people on this forum are very wise. They are either going or have been through the situations we are going through. Listen to everyone and move forward. It's hard for all of us believe me but you have to keep going and doing what is best for YOU. I'd rather be DEAD than breaking no contact at this point. Not literally because life is way too valuable but you know what I mean.