Day 8 of no contact ... And struggling

[Jasejasejase]

Hi this is my first time on here. Found my way here through misery and looking for advice.

 

It is 3 weeks since my relationship ended. At first it was my decision .... We both have children from previous relationships and we met online and just fell madly in love. We are from different areas and we're together only 6 months. But it was an intense 6 months. She moved in with me after a few weeks. I got I'll with prostatitis before Christmas which did make me very tired, interupted my fitness regime and affected my sex drive. Alongside this ... Her little boy was very hard work. I tried as hard as I could, I was always strict with my girls and they responded well to it ... He did too ... But I oftdn felt she was quiet if I intervened and didn't feel she supported. If I didn't intervenr he genuinely behaved awfully. It drove a wedge between us and we broke up.

 

We exchanged bad, harsh words but within a week I was desperately wanting her back. She was having none of it. I do suffer with depression ... And it has hit me hard now, harder than it ever has. I tried everything, then she started ignoring my messages ... Then ... I found out she was back on online dating. Two weeks later. She had even posted pictures she has had taken of herself when we were together. I was not on the site .... I did a search through the search engine ... Never fir one minute thinkkng she would be on there and was devestated to see her there. We did exchange more words .... And I've gone no contact ever since ... 7 days today. But ... It is killing me. I still very much love her, think I had everything and threw it all away, mull over what I could have done differently constantly ... And of course the thought that she is chatting to new guys, maybe doing more ... A little bit of me dies every minute. I have better days .... But the mornings are proving so severe. This morning for one has destroyed me. I am getting no pleasure out of anything. Im signed off work sick ... I can't get out of bed ... Im not even getting any pleasure out of my time with my girls.

 

I have never made friends and don't really have any. I am so lonely. So alone. Im 34 ... Never find it easy attracting people ... And just such a mess. Not sure how anyone can help ... But just feel like ending it all. My children stop me ... I couldn't do that to them ... But I'd just another thing I can't control. I don't want to be here anymore but have to

[Jasejasejase]

And to add to this ... I have the phone that never beeps, the messages that never come. I've tried reaching out to people that never understand or help. All I want to do is see her come up on my phone. I deleted her number ... But maybe she has mine. Her stuff is gone but my entire house just reminds me of her. I think about this misery 24 7 ... I try to forget, I can't. I fear the future. I feel she was my soul mate. I know feel down there is zero chance of reconciliation ... But something deep inside of me is Knawing away like a disease.

[Emaize3]

I'm so sorry and boy do I know how you feel! We both have kids (didn't live together and mine are teens) but just like you, he left because we raise our kids differently and he's more strict. He just couldn't move forward in that situation and I never knew he felt that way. I am beyond devastated and don't want to be around anymore as well, but again, like you I can't do that to my kids. I also enjoy nothing. It's been almost 5 weeks post bu. Just know you're not alone. I feel your pain and can so relate. Hugs!

[Jasejasejase]

Hi. It's day 8 of no contact. 3 weeks since Ive seen her. I have begged for her back ... She has made it clear she no longer loves me ... She is already online dating and could be dating, seeing someone, sleeping with someone. Ok so snd doesn't love ME, has clearly moved on, Prob has someone else. I know contact would be daft ... There's prob a moronic part of me that thinks shell be like 'oh honey, I've missed you' but the chance is so unlikely. All I'll

Probably get is ignored or told she's seeing someone ... Which will kill ME ... Someone talk me out of contact

 

For my part, 3 weeks later, im lying in bed, off work, can't get up. Thinking of the past kills me. Thinking of the present kills me. Thinking about a future without her kills me. I've lost my appetite, my sex drive, everything. I know people say get out etc but I've never really made friends ... And all I want to do is lie here

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok.

So?

Lie there.

 

At one point, you'll get fed up, know it's pointless and futile, know you're stagnating and festering and know you're voluntarily subjecting yourself to self-imposed depression.

 

When you're ready to get up - you will.

Wallow all you want.

Even hippos leave the mud bath at some point.

 

WHEN you get up: let us know.

That's when we step in and help you put one foot in front of the other.

It won't be a race, and you won't feel steady on your feet.

But one step at a time is all it takes to eventually 'get there'.

[kztar]

Man tell me more about your story, Im on the same boat. I do go to work though and try to have a regular day. All I think about its when its going to be nightime so that I can sleep. Waking up is a nightmare. BTW my ex told me the same. He doesnt love me. I think i'd take cheating or any other reason because this one has been the worst of them all.

[smudge21]

Day 8? Sorry to say this but you can't make yourself heal, it will happen when it happens. Mine took months, then one day I just realised I had no feelings for her. I could remember her, but there was nothing, no love or hate.

 

 

You're very much in the early days and these are the testing times. This is when you need to force yourself to stay strong. There's nothing wrong with staying in bed, or even just going for a walk, anything really as you just need to focus on you and do what you want to do. It is hard. I've recently gone NC on someone but very different situation, but it still hurts and the temptation to make contact is killing me!

 

 

It does get better though, always. You probably won't notice a massive sudden change if that's what you're waiting for. Just every day will get easier. You'll have good and bad times, so just accept them, accept that you're healing and let it happen. Also, don't beat yourself up over how she could do this. One thing I learned from here a long time ago was that dumpers, by the time they get to the actual dumping part, have already mentally moved on much earlier. To us, the dumpees, it's all sudden, but to them, it's something they've worked through. The fact she's out looking for dates is not a reflection on you, so don't take it personal. Often we look at those that have left us and see them living a great life, but remember you're only looking at postcards of their lives, not what really is going on underneath.

 

 

Stick with NC - it's a rough sea, but there's always calmer waters eventually...

[Jasejasejase]

Im the same ... Just want to sleep ... Then When I wake up I am a mess all over again.

 

Thing is the tough love route is all well and good ... But I just can't get up. I've tried ... But it's just so overwhelming.

 

I feel like the only person who can drag me out of this is her right now. And that's never ever going to happen.

[smudge21]

Im the same ... Just want to sleep ... Then When I wake up I am a mess all over again.

 

Thing is the tough love route is all well and good ... But I just can't get up. I've tried ... But it's just so overwhelming.

 

I feel like the only person who can drag me out of this is her right now. And that's never ever going to happen.

 

Like I said, it's only day 8 (oddly, same for me) and it will be tough, but so what. You've had a real life affecting injury and with all injuries you need time to heal. Accept these thoughts, let them in and vent them out, here's a good a place as any. I promise it will get better.

[Jasejasejase]

Thanks Emaize. Thank you more then anything for replying too. Im very alone at the moment ... Don't really have any friends ... Which doesn't make it any easier.

 

All you read is get up, push on, small steps ... But I just can't. Of course I want to ... I don't want to feel like this forever ... But the only thing I can think about is her and it feels like the only person who can get me out of this is her. I know that'll never happen. I know I've lost her. But I just can't stop thinking about her. Looking at my phone for the text that never comes.

 

This one is really beating me

[TaraMaiden2]

This is what happens when we abdicate control of our emotions and rely on someone else to create our happiness for us.

 

You have (by your own admission) psychological problems (depression) which need addressing (are you under a clinical therapist?) so you're not in a good place anyway.

 

What is more worrying is that you have two daughters. What's happening to them?

Do you think it's reasonable to ask them to cope with you being like this?

You need to man up, put your priorities in order and do the right thing by them.

I know it's easy to say.

Of course, it's the easiest thing in the world to just type that out.

 

I know how monumentally herculean the task of 'pulling yourself together' must seem, to you.

 

But you owe it to your children to be there for them.

You claimed in your last thread that they stopped you from killing yourself.

 

Well let me tell you: No human being is ever worth the cost of our life.

Ever.

Period, full stop, end of story.

 

And if your experience with this woman isn driving you to these depths, then you bestow upon it an excessive importance.

Call your doctor, make an appointment and deal with whatever ails you.

Then try to accept one thing:

It's over, and it's going to be fine.

Because the best people to give all your love is first to yourself, and your girls.

You have to respect and appreciate who you are, to the fullest extent, before you merit the right to expect that from others.

Because if you don't, then life will always tread you underfoot.

 

It will still try.

But finding the strength, resolve and resistance within yourself, makes all the difference between trying to swim in treacle, and strutting your stuff.

[Jasejasejase]

Thanks smudge

 

I hate it if I look so negative but this has truly broken me. I think I'd rather have a broken neck and two broken legs. I guess it helps slightly to know others are going through similar things but the pain is just so bad.

 

I've always obsessed about finding someone, from a really young age ... And it's been my only focus for years. This causes it's own problems when I get into one ... And I find it hard to find people.

[Jasejasejase]

Thanks Tara. It also kills me about my girls. I have three daughters and they mean the world to me. I obviously split with their mum, my ex wife, years ago and I've had them every weekend ever since. I have a lot of self esteem issues, generally hate myself both physically and spiritually, but the one thing I've akways done right is them and even in my depression I know im lucky were so

Close. Im getting away with it at the moment as was diagnosed with prostatitis in November so im able to claim that's what's getting me down. They're not stupid tho and I know they worry about ME.

 

Im not a very strong guy. I wish I was. I've always struggled with things. I remember being 9 years old abc obsessing about finding someone. The same age as my youngest ... and it seems outrageous to me, I have few friends ... So those I reach out to, well they're not easy to find ... And are just acquaintances. Sorry I sound so lame

[Toodaloo]

Jase

 

You have to start thinking practically rather than with the heart.

 

The pair of you rushed this. Had you not rushed it then you may have seen the cracks before they became an issue.

 

Perhaps you should make yourself a plan.

 

Write down a list of the things that you are going to do today and get those done then the following day do a bit more. Its good that you have been to your doctor.

 

And Jase once you are ready start practising making friends. Get involved with things. If your kids go to drama groups etc then ask if you can help out in some way. Start talking to people.

 

Heck you have been married and had kids so you have got further than me and I am older so there is hope for you yet!

[Jasejasejase]

I know. I know on paper what I should do. But for some reason I just can't.

 

Maybe anti depressants are the answer. Although these almost killed ME last time

 

I wish I was a stronger person. I don't deal with things at all well

[smudge21]

I know. I know on paper what I should do. But for some reason I just can't.

 

Maybe anti depressants are the answer. Although these almost killed ME last time

 

I wish I was a stronger person. I don't deal with things at all well

 

 

No one is prepared to deal with this, I don't care how strong they say they are or appear to be. When you love someone, truly love them with every ounce of your being, losing them is the worse emotional pain possible.

 

 

I know that everything I tried 5 years ago when I first came here didn't work. It wasn't until I found this place and started posting, sharing my story, offering help to others, that I started to heal as I found people who truly understood what I was going through. Keep posting and maybe you'll find the same strength I did.

[TaraMaiden2]

I know. I know on paper what I should do. But for some reason I just can't.

 

What reason?

Come on, be honest.

What possible reason could there be for you NOT doing this?

(And it had better be good....!)

 

Maybe anti depressants are the answer. Although these almost killed ME last time

Anti-depressants ARE the TEMPORARY answer.

Speak with your doctor. Get therapy. And discuss your medication, don't just passively sit there, open your mouth and let anyone put something into it which doesn't agree with you.

I wish I was a stronger person. I don't deal with things at all well

The more you tell yourself that, the more you'll believe it.

Who first fed you THAT lie?

 

You know, Henry Ford was a grade-A Bar-Steward, but he once said something quite wise:

 

"Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't - You're right."

 

Keep telling yourself you're a failure, and you won't get anywhere, any time at any speed.

Is that the example you want to teach your daughters?

 

You have the potential to be the kind of dad they'll look up to.

Fer chrissakes, these are their formative years! Give them someone to look back on with fondness and respect, dammit!!

Don't you at least want that?

 

Don't you want it ENOUGH - ?

Edited February 29, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[Jasejasejase]

The urge to break no contact is so strong today !!!

 

Someone tell ME to get a grip !!!

[harassed]

well you answered your own question. do not contact them, they are seeing someone. generally it is hard and we keep ourselves in a circle. They don't want you and want someone else and if they are not with you then believe you and me, they are with someone else. You are asking and wondering but they are with another.

[Jasejasejase]

Just saw the other replies

 

I do set a good example for my kids. I said before they're the one thing I do right. Im not going to feel guilty about suffering with mental health problems (which I do and which understandably are exasperated in times like these) there's been enough people calling me selfish and telling ME just to get my act together. I get it ... The only person stopping this is me ... But it doesn't stop me feeling paralysed ... Of being scared of going outside, of feeling like im a breathe from breaking down every 5 minutes

 

Why can't I get up? I don't know. I just can't.

[SSJROMANCE]

Life is a journey through mountains and valleys. You may be in the valley now but up ahead of you is a mountain. Start crawling to that mountain now.

 

Those who have not been through a dark depression may not understand how debilitating it is to even move. Don't run - crawl at first. Then stand up. Then start walking and someday you will be running.

 

Do it for your girls. Do it for you. Do it for that love of your life that one day will walk into your life.

[TaraMaiden2]

Just saw the other replies

 

I do set a good example for my kids. I said before they're the one thing I do right. Im not going to feel guilty about suffering with mental health problems (which I do and which understandably are exasperated in times like these) there's been enough people calling me selfish and telling ME just to get my act together. I get it ... The only person stopping this is me ... But it doesn't stop me feeling paralysed ... Of being scared of going outside, of feeling like im a breathe from breaking down every 5 minutes

 

Why can't I get up? I don't know. I just can't.

 

You DO know.

It's in your head and within your power.

Right now, at this moment, you can't - because you don't actually want to.

Not enough.

And about depression? Honestly?

I DO get it.

But the only way to get yourself out of the pit is to start climbing.

I had to.

It was either 'do or die' and though I might have contemplated it, I was absolutely damned if I was going to permit myself to give in to it.

Hell no.

 

Please. Ease your feet off the bed, and stand on them.

Then start walking.

[Jasejasejase]

Still haven't made contact ... Thankfully

 

Do you know what kills me? The logic is there ... She doesn't love me (told me) ... She is probably dating someone else (fact is she's online dating) ... Haven't heard from Her for longer than 8 days ... But something just won't let go. In my more lucid moments I can seen it ... There's is no chance of reconcilliation ... But something clings there in my head, not letting go.

 

I am

Simply haunted by our time together

[Emaize3]

It's called love addiction and it's a very powerful drug. See if there are any groups in your hometown with others going through the same or look up videos online about love addiction. These people (like me and you) know EXACTLY how you're feeling.

[harassed]

I don't ever take these blogs seriously but there is something that resonated (I hope that's the right word) with me enough for me to want to share with you. The object of your affection is not your therapist and nor should that responsibility ever have been or be put on her. We all suffer mentally sometimes but we have to eventually take responsibility for our health and maybe see a therapist. I also have been reading a great book that showed the effects that sunlight can have on depression. Sometimes in the winter months when sunlight is not available and no tanning doesn't count unfortunately, but uv light and vitamin D can help with recovery. There are lights that can be purchased (with a prescription) and I am going to try to get a prescription for one and it's a lamp that you can sit under for an hour that gives you the sunlight needed and it's not a cure but it helps .. Therapy, medication and this might do wonders for you and maybe try to get just one pen pal and talk about things that are not associated with your ex. Hope this helps!