What is wrong with me?

[betterwoman]

He stood up me so many times. He would disappear when I needed his emotional support. Whenever something was his fault, he'd turn things around and blame me.

 

He never made time for me. There was always something else above me, like I was last on his list.

 

He lied about so many things.

 

Yet I stayed. Yet I still love him.

 

Now he is cheating on me with his ex-wife. Or maybe he cheated on her with me. I don't even know anymore.

 

The saddest part is before I met him, before our relationship, I was a strong, confident, HAPPY woman who wouldn't take **** from anyone. Everything was great in the beginning, then somewhere down the line it was like a switch went off in him. He would guilt trip me every time I tried to leave.

 

Now it's like being in this relationship destroyed who I was and I'm trying to find the pieces of my heart and myself again.

 

I don't know what happened to me.

 

I knew I should have left earlier. Why didn't I?

[betterwoman]

Was thinking out loud up there. Looking for words of support I suppose. I'm hurting so much right now. He won't even talk to me about things. I feel abandoned and I have no one but myself to blame.

[Toodaloo]

 

I don't know what happened to me.

 

I knew I should have left earlier. Why didn't I?

 

I can answer this.

 

The man he is, isn't the man you wanted but you thought he could be. You blinded yourself.

 

Best thing to do right now is accept that your were delusional and make sure you do not make the same mistakes again.

 

Been there, done that. Its easier once you accept that a. they are not what you thought and b. its OK to make mistakes...

[Buddhist]

You didn't leave earlier because he sold you a dream so exquisite in the beginning that you would forever hunger for it again. You continue to hold out hope that one day, that person will return. But he never will because that person does not exist, he's an act designed to draw people into this web of lies.

 

What you've experienced is narcissistic abuse and it does tear down your self esteem until you have none left. The only hope to get out of it is NO CONTACT then slowly the sanity and balance returns and one day, you will be who you were again.

 

You're not to blame because actually you hear stories everyday of people meeting their life partners and talking about it in those exact terms. But they're ommitting the smaller details such as the snags and doubts and frustrations which are all part of healthy relationships. They only re-tell the fairytale. Our minds are conditioned to think that when we meet the 'one' it will be like that. Unfortunately narcissists play on this and make it like that so you drop your guard and embrace them without question, pushing aside any doubts you have.

 

Why did he do that? There is only one answer there, he has a gaping hole within him that needs to be filled. And they do that by constantly seeking the intense emotions of other people. They don't care if the other person's emotions are positive or otherwise. All they care about is filling their own hole. You can't heal it either, no-one can. It causes them to act entirely out of self interest and to have no care nor concern for the other people involved. The only person that matters to him, is him. No-one else even really exists in his mind except to fulfil his own needs.

 

I am intimately familiar with these people, my mother is one. I existed only to convince her of her own superiority. If I had needs I was punished, often brutally. Occasionally, very occasionally she would give me breadcrumbs of affection to assure herself she was a good mother and prevent me from abandoning her. But what was always clear is that I existed to fulfil her needs, deny my own and to live out whatever plan she had in mind for me. Such plans consisted of me being chronically unsuccessful so that her own success was never threatened. To be seen as the problem child that she was cursed with, and to have a string of failed relationships so that hers seemed glorious by comparison. It took me a long time to realise what she was, I had no method of comparison as a child.

 

But time and distance in adulthood gave me some perspective on this issue and when I came into contact with her again many years later it was clear that she intended only my own demise. Anything less would not please her.

 

Don't blame yourself. You were just a trusting, caring person. Narcissists seek these people out because you have a lot to give and they intend to take all of it, leaving you a shell of your former self. It's not your fault someone else abused you. But it is your burden to heal.

 

I'm sorry for your experience.

[smudge21]

When we fall for someone we put them on pedestals and convince ourselves that this person must be perfect because we love, after all, we wouldn't fall for just any clown, so they must be the one. As it goes on, we only see them through those love tinted glasses and even when they are clearly wrong, we refuse to allow those thoughts in. By doing so would mean admitting we made a mistake and have wasted so much time and effort on someone. We become tied to living that lie, that they were perfect.

 

 

Don't beat yourself up over this as that too will hold you back and make you feel worse. You fell for someone who turned out to be not who you'd thought they were (hoped they were?). I've done that before. Have done that recently and now going through "wake up and smell the coffee" stages. It's hard to let go as by doing so means admitting to myself that I was so very wrong. Also I get the whole being happy before they came along, being able to live your life. It's so hard to get back there after something like this. It's like those first few days back after a nice long holiday, you just don't want to be there. It gets better, but as with all emotional stuff, it just takes time to heal.

 

 

Just accept and believe you did nothing wrong, nothing that millions of us haven't done before and it just simply was a case of him being a jerk. Love makes us blind to the truth so very often, but we just have to accept the loss and move on. You will be back to your normal happy strong self one day, so just stick with it, accept the sadness in and don't blame yourself.

[CDJ]

You seem to be acknowledging the mistakes/problems/issues, which I think is a good place to be in - far better than being in denial about it all.

 

The frustration and anger you feel at yourself is a natural part of the grief (and partly a side effect of putting your ex on a pedestal, which again is normal at this stage).

 

The key I think is forgiveness - not forgiving your ex (screw them!) but forgiving yourself. Maybe you did make mistakes, let him change you, or perhaps didn't handle things as well as you wish you had - but you're only human! Many of us have been in your position; feeling stupid for trusting someone, feeling like you've been duped, etc.

 

But ask yourself why you're in that position - perhaps it's because you have an open heart, are a loving person, maybe a loyal person who doesn't just quit when things get tough? Those sound like good qualities to me. Plus, acknowledging one's mistakes means we can learn from them - it's the people who don't realise what they've done wrong who are screwed and doomed to repeat!

[kztar]

He stood up me so many times. He would disappear when I needed his emotional support. Whenever something was his fault, he'd turn things around and blame me.

 

He never made time for me. There was always something else above me, like I was last on his list.

 

He lied about so many things.

 

Yet I stayed. Yet I still love him.

 

Now he is cheating on me with his ex-wife. Or maybe he cheated on her with me. I don't even know anymore.

 

The saddest part is before I met him, before our relationship, I was a strong, confident, HAPPY woman who wouldn't take **** from anyone. Everything was great in the beginning, then somewhere down the line it was like a switch went off in him. He would guilt trip me every time I tried to leave.

 

Now it's like being in this relationship destroyed who I was and I'm trying to find the pieces of my heart and myself again.

 

I don't know what happened to me.

 

I knew I should have left earlier. Why didn't I?

 

I totally get you, Im going through the same. I was the happiest person on earth before my ex. Then he came along and I was happy. A year later I coudln't have imagined my life this way. Im miserable and all I care to do is sleep. This is the only time im not thinking or stressed out.

[jofor]

I am so sorry to hear this. Relationships between people were never meant to be like this. Sometimes when things are new they seem so exciting. This holds true for relationships, jobs, even toys and cars. I don't believe there is anything necessarily wrong with you. Maybe, as you seem to already know, the relationship is wrong. Could it be that he (and you) was confused from the very beginning. There were things going on that were apparent and through time they came to the surface. Could you distance yourself from him now. Give yourself some time to heal and reflect- please don't rush into another relationship.

[Redhead14]

He stood up me so many times. He would disappear when I needed his emotional support. Whenever something was his fault, he'd turn things around and blame me.

 

He never made time for me. There was always something else above me, like I was last on his list.

 

He lied about so many things.

 

Yet I stayed. Yet I still love him.

 

Now he is cheating on me with his ex-wife. Or maybe he cheated on her with me. I don't even know anymore.

 

The saddest part is before I met him, before our relationship, I was a strong, confident, HAPPY woman who wouldn't take **** from anyone. Everything was great in the beginning, then somewhere down the line it was like a switch went off in him. He would guilt trip me every time I tried to leave.

 

Now it's like being in this relationship destroyed who I was and I'm trying to find the pieces of my heart and myself again.

 

I don't know what happened to me.

 

I knew I should have left earlier. Why didn't I?

before our relationship, I was a strong, confident, HAPPY woman who wouldn't take **** from anyone.

 

before our relationship, I was a strong, confident, HAPPY woman who wouldn't take **** from anyone.

 

he'd turn things around and blame me

 

He would guilt trip me every time I tried to leave.

 

You have just described what happens to a woman when she has been spending time with a narcissist. Everything in this post points to that. Run, run very fast and never look back.

 

I knew I should have left earlier. Why didn't I? -- Because narcissists are very crafty and manipulative. They know just when they need to show you just enough for you to question yourself.

 

Spend a ton of time focusing on you and your needs. Go out with your friends. Do anything but think about him. The effects of his emotional control will wear on you even after you've gone. Reflect on the woman you were and still are. Raise her up from the ashes!

[katiegrl]

He stood up me so many times. He would disappear when I needed his emotional support. Whenever something was his fault, he'd turn things around and blame me.

 

He never made time for me. There was always something else above me, like I was last on his list.

 

He lied about so many things.

 

Yet I stayed. Yet I still love him.

 

Now he is cheating on me with his ex-wife. Or maybe he cheated on her with me. I don't even know anymore.

 

The saddest part is before I met him, before our relationship, I was a strong, confident, HAPPY woman who wouldn't take **** from anyone. Everything was great in the beginning, then somewhere down the line it was like a switch went off in him. He would guilt trip me every time I tried to leave.

 

Now it's like being in this relationship destroyed who I was and I'm trying to find the pieces of my heart and myself again.

 

I don't know what happened to me.

 

I knew I should have left earlier. Why didn't I?

 

Because you're addicted. He and this toxic and dysfunctional RL are your "drug" of choice.

 

To kick it, you will need to go cold turkey (block from phone, email and all social media) and delete.

 

And there are withdrawal symptoms as well, so be prepared.

 

You may not be able to eat, sleep, crying jags, etc.

 

Research love addiction, it's very real!

 

Good luck hun, this is tough battle to win, but you can do it. If you don't, there is no where to go but DOWN and he will eventually emotionally destroy you, if he hasn't already.

[Satu]

By giving him the possibility of affecting your emotions, you are effectively abandoning yourself.

 

It is your responsibility and duty to protect yourself from harm.

 

So you have two options:

 

 

1. Continue to abandon yourself

 

or

 

2. Protect yourself from (emotional) harm.

 

 

You have to choose.

 

 

If you make no choice, you've chosen 1.

 

 

 

Take care.

[katiegrl]

Like any addiction, you will probably need to hit rock bottom before you acquire the determination to seek help.

 

I hope your rock bottom doesn't destroy you though (emotionally) and I am being perfectly serious here.

 

I mean you said you were once and very independent and vibrant girl. Full of life, etc.

 

And now look at you. By your own admission, you're a mere shell of your old self.

 

I am sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but sweetie I want you to be aware and seek HELP!

 

Love addiction is every bit as serious as an addiction to drugs or alcohol. It can destroy you.

 

Please PLEASE seek help. And continue posting here for support.

 

We are all here for you as your work through this.

 

((hugs))

[mightycpa]

You asked why first, then you asked for support. This isn't really what you'd consider support, but it may help you in the long run. Why did you stay?

 

Because you don't have a lot of respect for yourself. You will tolerate people who don't treat you well.

 

Simply put, that's not a good place to be. There's too many people in the world to limit yourself to that kind.

 

Aim higher, and be your own best friend.

 

Good luck.