SiaLv82 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 He still remains active after meeting the family. What to do? I have been seeing a man for the last four months. This weekend I met his family for the first time. I actually spent time with his extended family on two separate occasions this past weekend. The get together was all suggested by him the week prior. I thought perhaps this would change his habits of actively checking his match account and unfortunately noticed that he has been active for the majority of today. We have been talking for four months and have been "dating" for two of those months. We are both in our early 30's. He has a son from a previous relationship. I am in my 30's, no children, no baggage. I understand without people telling me that at four months this all means he is not looking at me as serious. I had the exclusive talk with him and he shot it down by saying he isn't there yet and is hoping things to grow. In return, I basically told him no s.x without a commitment as I need exclusivity first. He then tells me we are not casual, that we each care for each other, but on the other hand he tells me he isn't there yet, hopes it to grow, and wants to continue meeting other people in the meantime. The confusing part is that he texts me every day! I make sure not to text him first. I'm not chasing him. Yet we keep in contact everyday because of him. My question is why in the world would a 30 something man have a lady meet his entire family (non-holiday) yet actively continue to pursue dates on a dating site. He is extremely close with his family. I haven't met the son yet. I do plan on walking at this point as I can't handle this type of "relationship" anymore. It just doesn't meet my needs. However, neither myself nor friends can wrap our heads around this man's thought process. Can any guys out there chime in? Thanks much!
smackie9 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Did you not notice how he back peddled as soon as you said no sex? Actions speak louder than words.....he's either multi dating or he is just keeping you around until something better comes along. I'm glad you are walking away. 4
Randomlyrandomme Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 P.O.S. ALERT Are you used to performing extended tryouts? If you can't interest him enough to stop actively searching for others after two months of dating, he'll never focus on you. This has chronic cheater smelly snell to it.
basil67 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 For some people, meeting the family has no significance in terms of commitment. It would appear that he's one of those people. Glad that you've held back on sex - this guy is very much leading you on. 1
Author SiaLv82 Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Did you not notice how he back peddled as soon as you said no sex? Actions speak louder than words.....he's either multi dating or he is just keeping you around until something better comes along. I'm glad you are walking away. To clarify we haven't done the deed yet. So he isn't getting his needs met without meeting my expectations first. He said himself that he is keeping his options open right now. But why meet the family and why is he contacting me every day if I am just an option? I just don't understand why he brought me out to meet his family if he is going to continue dating other people. Perhaps that was to string me along as well.
Lois_Griffin Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 As another poster said, meeting his family doesn't mean you're marriage material. I used to bring guys I was dating around to family barbecues or birthday dinners. I didn't see it as anything serious, I just liked having a companion for family gatherings and it gave my family a chance to meet the guy I was dating and who they'd heard me talk about. It didn't imply any type of commitment at all. I'll give this guy credit. He's been honest with you and TOLD you you're just an option. He clearly doesn't see you as long-term material but right now, you're the best option he's got. Until he finds a better one. Never settle for LESS than you're giving.
PegNosePete Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 If you have the "exclusive talk" and someone tells you NO, it means they think there's a better option out there for them. I would move on. He's trying to keep you on the back burner, in case he can't find better. Don't be anyone's number 2, 3, or 4 choice! Find someone who thinks you're number 1, and who is over the moon to be in an exclusive relationship with you! 1
Miss Peach Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 My personal time limit is 3 months without sex. But if we are not exclusive by that point I walk away. Until we are exclusive I continue to see other men without sex. I do not act exclusive until we are. OP - the big concern I had with your story is that after two months of dating he actually told you no. This would be a red flag to me regardless of what other stuff he said. Plus he is still online and his actions are showing he's not ready to be with just you. I think after 2 months he should know this. I think you are doing the right thing by walking away from this. This sounds to me like the guy who said let's keep on seeing each other and let the future take care of himself. It's just a nice way of saying he's not into you enough. BTW - different people see family interaction differently. I've met guys who don't until serious. I've met others who bring everyone over to meet family. This is not a sign of being serious IMO.
Zippy2000 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Im a guy and I ll give you my opinion but every guy you date will be different. Hes probably on the dating site checking why you are on! You need to have that talk especially if you have met his family to remove yourselves from the site. If he cant remove his profile I think you`ll know the answer. He must like you a lot if he has introduced himself to his family.
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 . I had the exclusive talk with him and he shot it down by saying he isn't there yet and is hoping things to grow. He is playing the field. Anyone who after 4 months doesn't agree to exclusivity when it is brought up, is still sleeping with other people or wants to leave that option open, no matter how "nice" or "caring" or "attentive" he appears to be. Exclusivity is no big deal, it doesn't mean "I love you" or marry me, or give me half your pay packet or let's buy a house together. It has only one meaning, "I am not going to sleep with other people, only you" IF you want a proper relationship then you are wasting your time hanging about with this guy. He has told you where he is at, believe him.
joseb Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 (edited) Im a guy and I ll give you my opinion but every guy you date will be different. Hes probably on the dating site checking why you are on! You need to have that talk especially if you have met his family to remove yourselves from the site. If he cant remove his profile I think you`ll know the answer. He must like you a lot if he has introduced himself to his family. It never fails to amaze me when people complain that their partner is still on a dating site, and the reason they know is that they too are still on! So yeah, one possibility is that he's there seeing you on constantly and writing about it here or elsewhere! Another possibility, yes. He is multi dating. You are an option, maybe his preferred one. But as you two haven't slept together, he is not ready to go exclusive. I definitely would never get into an exclusive relationship with someone I haven't slept with. As a guy, the constant advice on here about no sex before exclusivity feels like putting the cart before the horse. Thirdly, maybe you are an option, but not his preferred one, or he is really just playing the field. Meeting his family makes this one seem less likely, unless he operates a bit like "the Batchelor" TV show! Id never introduce anyone less than a serious ltr to my family personally. Edited March 1, 2016 by joseb
adarna Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 It never fails to amaze me when people complain that their partner is still on a dating site, and the reason they know is that they too are still on! I think this is kinda funny too, but the difference is they're not on it shopping around whereas their SO likely is 99.9999999 percent of the time. Related story: I've never dated online, but back in 2014 I accidentally stumbled upon my ex's Match and OkCupid profiles and both tells you when the they were last online. You could also see if they had updated their photos, info, etc. without having to sign in or open an account. Id never introduce anyone less than a serious ltr to my family personally. Yes! Me too. I am so surprised to see that there are people to whom meeting the family doesn't mean anything. It's a huge deal to me and everyone I know. I have always thought that introducing someone to family meant you REALLY like that person, are fully invested and see/want them in your future. To me, why would I bring someone around who I am not really that invested in and might not even be around next month? And what kind of message does that send to your SO? I think it's kind of mean, tbh. (I also wouldn't want my family asking what happened to so and so and questioning why it didn't work out )
central Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Other than being unwilling to commit, is he a good match otherwise? If so, put him on the back burner and keep looking, too. How much dating experience does he have? If not a lot, he may not know if you're a good match, or not, and is being cautious.
CarrieT Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 He's meeting other people because they are probably putting out and so you are back-burner material whilst he gets sex elsewhere. Totally disfunctional situation that will not end well for the OP as the guy in questions isn't suddenly going to become an upright stand-up kinda Prince Charming who is completely in love and committed and true. Time to move on, OP. You two want different things and neither of you is getting what you want from each other.
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 The question is why are you accepting to be in this situation? He is telling you to your face you are not good enough for him, listen. 2
Author SiaLv82 Posted March 13, 2016 Author Posted March 13, 2016 Thanks everyone. The reason why I am putting up with this is because he is the first guy in about two years that I felt "that feeling" for. I don't know how to explain it but other guys I liked them enough to date but this one it felt sort of more like home. I agree from an outside perspective everything that is being said here....it is the same I would tell my own friends. However, when you are that "OP" with emotions involved it becomes harder to see through the fog (denial). I did kick him to the curb when he said no to being exclusive. He came running back within a few days but looking back I also sort of did the same and then continued to put up with it until now (three weeks out). He told me he dated one other person this past month that did not pan out because she wasn't looking for anything serious. I haven't spoken to him since. I just don't understand daily texts/meeting family/four months of pursuit with no underlying geniune interest. I'd figure as an adult, we all have busy schedules, and wouldn't have time for such bs in our 30's. I'm glad I walked, went silent, but I still want him back. 2
adarna Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Thanks everyone. The reason why I am putting up with this is because he is the first guy in about two years that I felt "that feeling" for. I don't know how to explain it but other guys I liked them enough to date but this one it felt sort of more like home. I agree from an outside perspective everything that is being said here....it is the same I would tell my own friends. However, when you are that "OP" with emotions involved it becomes harder to see through the fog (denial). I did kick him to the curb when he said no to being exclusive. He came running back within a few days but looking back I also sort of did the same and then continued to put up with it until now (three weeks out). He told me he dated one other person this past month that did not pan out because she wasn't looking for anything serious. I haven't spoken to him since. I just don't understand daily texts/meeting family/four months of pursuit with no underlying geniune interest. I'd figure as an adult, we all have busy schedules, and wouldn't have time for such bs in our 30's. I'm glad I walked, went silent, but I still want him back. I don't really have any advice but just want to say you are not alone and I empathize with you. I and most people have been there and totally know how you feel OP. It's so easy to say "don't put up with it" and walk away, but so much harder when you're lost in your emotions and are trying to wrap your head around what was going on. I would have been confused too, after meeting his family and all because to me that's definitely a big deal. But, fwiw, it looks like you *didn't* put up with it It just took some time. You believed he/the relationship were worth fighting for and there is nothing wrong with that. What matters is in the end you mustered the courage to face reality and the strength to walk away because you know your worth. Best of luck and thanks for the update.
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