Facing reality of separation from wife

[Randomlyrandomme]

I have another post describing my marriage's acute (chronic?) dysfunctional syndrome. Before you click, it's really long, here's a quick tl;dr of that:

 

I'm going through a pretty emotional mental health journey:

 

-Sought treatment, quit job. found meds! went to school! oops wrong meds�� I plummet... wife burns out and crashes, I lose trust in her, realize we're have to

separate, I'm going to have to finish my **** on my own.

 

 

That's been my last year and a bit.

 

We're both 34. Went to the same high school. Started dating at 17. Formed a very close bond. College we did the semi-ldr thing- meet on the weekends. 24 we move in together and have been since. There's been some tough times but we seem to both want to always come together and fix it. We found out early that's relationship means work, sometimes very hard work.

 

She battled her way through mental illness for a few years but came out better than ever, but just over a year ago I've had my own mental health crisis.

 

As I've degenerated steadily since September (I'm very proactive with my mental health, but a misdiagnosis and medication sent me crashing) and bottoming out perhaps over the past two months. My wife has been there by my side. She works hard to assist me trying to keep me functioning at school which really had become the only part of my life I could even focus on. She put a lot of pressure on herself and felt a lot of pressure from our families to keep me going. I've seen the signs of her burning out for months, I've read her like a book. She wouldn't step away. Her mental illness prolapsed which exacerbated my health, which exacerbated her health et cetera. A week ago, she tried to leave too late and we had a slow mo multi day meltdown. I said things, she said worse.

 

Over the past few days, 2 things have happened to alter my perception.

 

1- she shocked me by threatening me with something that made me feel like I've lost trust in her. It hit me so hard, o took a mental step backwards and realized how ****ed it it had gotten.

2- pretty much a day or two after that my main med seems to have finally reached operating level. I'm not sure if it'll last, but I'm enjoying the mental clarity and emotional calm that I've lacked for a while.

 

I love my wife dearly. Even as I feel like I've been drowning with my health, and acting and speaking uncaringly or angrily, I've always known and assured her that none of what I was going through was about her she was in the thick of it with me, so she got it the worst, but I always told her we'd make it through and move on together. And I know that that's what she wants. I trust her and believe her completely. (Or I guess not anymore)

 

Things I realize:

 

We both need separate help I can see now with hindsight how the threat fits the pattern of her previous mental illness. She was manic, and lost restraint. She can't be having those attacks.

 

Especially around me. While I do feel better healthwise currently, its diminished before. I'm prepared for another unexpected emotional drop.

 

I don't know how long we'll have to stay separate. Until both of us recover at least. And due to this trust issue, I don't know if I can go back.

 

We won't see each other until Thursday, at couples councilling. I don't want to speak to her with out someone there to keep things calm/structured. I'll have to tell her then that we need to extend this separation indefinitely and how I feel about this trust issue.

 

I'm filled with competing emotions. Anger and worry at what she said, sadness at what I don't and may never have again... then nothing but positive feelings when I think about us being happy together.

 

Thanks for letting me rant birch and moan.

 

Sorry, that it's longer than I expected.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Randomlyrandomme
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