Is it a bad sign that he only texts/contacts to make plans but not much small talks?

March 1, 2016

I know but the girl likes to know the man she's dating is thinking of her too.... as I said, we need that to keep the connection alive. Not necessarily every day, but certainly every 2-3 days.

Men don't need it...and I get that, but men to be cognizant of how the woman is interpreting his behavior .... and if he saves communicating with her for only when he wants to set up a date....she may think he doesn't care all that much, and lose the connection.

It's happened to me and many of my friends.

Not sure I agree with this. I don't tend to need a lot of in-between validation that I am on his mind. It says to me that perhaps she isn't strong in her own sense of security or herself. Wanting to be validated like that. I can't speak for all women obviously but I would be irritated by trite goodnight texts and the like. I kind of see them in a different light, as some kind of throw away that means nothing at all. I'm not one for small-talk either so that probably colours my opinion somewhat and yes I don't at all get the 'Hi, how are you ritual' either. To me these little meaningless throw aways say nothing about connection. They are just stuff people do for little reason.

I would prefer to have solid quality time with someone than a text.

March 1, 2016

Fair enough Gaeta.

But at the same time would you agree that a connection takes time to build? I can only speak for myself personally. However, in the beginning I wouldn't be invested enough yet to want to have regular calls and texts. I'd be focusing on getting to know her in person and if I started to feel like there was something more there, I'd increase the amount of communication and dates over time.

It seems like these days that more and more people lack patience and want instant gratification. It's like "Hey, I've only had a few dates with this guy but why isn't he calling/texting me a lot more?" Maybe because he isn't invested enough that soon. Some people just need more time to warm up to somebody.

There are different levels of connection. We don't want you to call us 2 hours each night. We want consistency and attention that is proportionate to the level of involvement.

If you meet a woman and you are both interested in each other for the right reason then you give her some type of attention every couple of days or so. As you see each other and discover a mutual interest then you escalate the attention and the time spent together gradually.

As you spend more time together then the text and calling goes down.

When I started dating my boyfriend it unfold that way. I never felt out of his attention and never felt overwhelmed with too much attention. Now after 3 months we see each other a lot, spend our weekends + 2 times during the weekdays. We don't need to talk on the phone anyore as much as we used to. We call to confirm plans or make plans but that's about it.

March 1, 2016

Well one thing I will add is that I remember reading about Gaeta's BF of three months recently. Initially she wasn't attracted. Then slowly over time she gradually fell head over heels for him. If she had walked away based on her initial lack of butterflies, she wouldn't have the great relationship she does. So a connection that's super strong now wasn't at the very beginning. So things can take more time to develop than just one date.

March 1, 2016

yes I don't at all get the 'Hi, how are you ritual' either. To me these little meaningless throw aways say nothing about connection. They are just stuff people do for little reason.

I would prefer to have solid quality time with someone than a text.

It may be just stuff people do for little reason TO YOU, but if you spend enough time on here you will see it has meanings for a lot of people.

Every body prefers solid quality time with someone over calls and text.

March 1, 2016

Okay let's get down to it.

How often do you see him? Every weekend? Saturday nights? Sunday?

And how often does he contact you during the week.... to check in, say hi, thinking of you, send you something fun via text?

Once or twice, or just to make plans for the weekend (assuming you'll be getting together)?

And you say you've been seeing him "awhile." What's awhile? Two weeks, two months?

You also say he has tried to have sex with you, but you said no.

When did he try, first date, fifth date?

Once you answer I will be in a better position to give my opinion.

Thanks!!

So far I've only gone out with him three times, about every other weekend. All on Saturday nights. Before we met he kept in touch on a daily basis, sometimes just small talks about the weather and how our days went, etc. Since then I'd say he's been in touch about two or three times a week.

He tried to go home with me after the second date, to which I said no. Not playing games, just not ready. Then we met for the third time and I honestly felt a stronger connection this time. We made out and everything and I jokingly said I didn't want to be a tease so we should "take it easy." And he laughed back and said he didn't expect me to because he didn't want to "appear too easy" either.

The thing is, we don't even have each other's phone number yet. We met online and so far the app of the site on our phone has been our only way of communication, which kind of bothers me too. I mean, it gives alert and all so it serves as an instant messaging service but it's the first time the phone number hasn't even come into the conversation yet in my experience.

I mean, I can see that he's pretty cautious in some ways, which I am too. Some of my previous dating experience honestly went too fast, in hindsight.

March 1, 2016

Not sure I agree with this. I don't tend to need a lot of in-between validation that I am on his mind. It says to me that perhaps she isn't strong in her own sense of security or herself. Wanting to be validated like that. I can't speak for all women obviously but I would be irritated by trite goodnight texts and the like. I kind of see them in a different light, as some kind of throw away that means nothing at all. I'm not one for small-talk either so that probably colours my opinion somewhat and yes I don't at all get the 'Hi, how are you ritual' either. To me these little meaningless throw aways say nothing about connection. They are just stuff people do for little reason.

I would prefer to have solid quality time with someone than a text.

Fair enough. We are all different in what we need/prefer.

Making it clear though I do not need, nor want daily texts in the beginning. However, in all my past LTRs we connected very quickly so it was very natural to be sending a quick good night or good morning text once every 2-3 days.

I think it allowed us BOTH to feel connected, as often times we wouldn't see each other for a couple of weeks. So those texts or calls every 2-3 days were very much welcomed, and necessary.

Not sure if it's validation. I am very secure and won't date a man unless I have faith in our connection and trust it.

I just like to feel connected to him, that's all.

March 1, 2016

His reluctance to text may not be a PUA thing either. It could just be a different love language thing. I was in a relationship with someone had words of affirmation as his primary love language and I couldn't have felt less loved if I'd tried. Mine is act of service and quality time. He was big on saying nice things and really short on actually doing anything or spending real time with me. It irritated me no end. We just were not compatible. An 'I love you' could never make up for the fact that he didn't make me a priority in his social calendar.

This guy could be similar. Not see the value in meaningless texts while she is hanging out for those little emotional hits. If that's the case they may just find themselves drifting apart anyway. Unless you both share a similar love language stack it can get too hard to keep believing in the connection.

March 1, 2016

Fair enough. We are all different in what we need/prefer.

Making it clear though I do not need, nor want daily texts in the beginning. However, in all my past LTRs we connected very quickly so it was very natural to be sending a quick good night or good morning text once every 2-3 days.

I think it allowed us BOTH to feel connected, as often times we wouldn't see each other for a couple of weeks. So those texts or calls every 2-3 days were very much welcomed, and necessary.

Not sure if it's validation. I am very secure and won't date a man unless I have faith in our connection and trust it.

I just like to feel connected to him, that's all.

ETA -- too late to edit.

I also like knowing he's thinking of me in between our dates. I need that and so has he. So it's worked in my relationships.

Everyone is different though.

March 1, 2016

Well the OP has stated the the texts dropped off after around 3 dates. It's possible that he considers their connection strong enough not to need these little hits all the time. Maybe he's just feeling secure in it and is expecting that she feels the same. If she doesn't then she needs to communicate that before she decides apparent lack of interest and walks away. He's not a mind reader.

March 1, 2016

Well one thing I will add is that I remember reading about Gaeta's BF of three months recently. Initially she wasn't attracted. Then slowly over time she gradually fell head over heels for him. If she had walked away based on her initial lack of butterflies, she wouldn't have the great relationship she does. So a connection that's super strong now wasn't at the very beginning. So things can take more time to develop than just one date.

To me a connection is different than butterflies.

And yes that is exactly what happened with my BF. Thinking back I can tell you I went to a second date and 3rd date with him because he kept the connection alive. He would call, he's not a texter, he'd talk to me just long enough to get my attention, made me laugh, etc. Then he'd be on my mind. A couple of days later he'd call and invite me on a date for 3-4 date later. He did not overwhelm me but he didn't let me forget about him.

March 1, 2016

Absolutely! But how often is he making dates? Once a week? Once every two weeks?

So if he contacts her only to set up a date, then he's making contact once a week or once every two weeks....and thus risking her losing the connection and meeting a guy who puts in more effort to let her know he's interested.

Now if they're seeing each other three times a week, that's different obviously.

But the OP said her guy only contacts her to set up a date for the weekend, and we don't even know if that's every weekend.

I asked her, but she hasn't responded.

And for the record, sending a quick text is an action too.

Haha I agree that sometimes women just want that attention. I can't deal with guys constantly bombarding me with texts or random chats all the time but it sure is nice to say hello every now and then just to let each other know that you're thinking of the other person.

We've been seeing each other about every other weekend right now, but when we don't have plans he'd still ask what I'm up to that weekend and if I have any exciting plans.

A good friend of mine is in a long distance relationship with a guy and the first thing they do when they get home is turn on iPad and FaceTime each other until they go to bed. They would also carry the iPad to the kitchen when they are cooking or to the bathroom when they take a shower. They just can't hang up for one minute. On the weekends they spend every waking hour doing the same thing. I don't get how they do it... I'd probably scream if I have to do that.

March 1, 2016

So far I've only gone out with him three times, about every other weekend. All on Saturday nights. Before we met he kept in touch on a daily basis, sometimes just small talks about the weather and how our days went, etc. Since then I'd say he's been in touch about two or three times a week.

The thing is, we don't even have each other's phone number yet. We met online and so far the app of the site on our phone has been our only way of communication, which kind of bothers me too. I mean, it gives alert and all so it serves as an instant messaging service but it's the first time the phone number hasn't even come into the conversation yet in my experience.

.

First bold -- this is fine! Perfectly normal, so I would not be concerned about this at all! Three times a week is enough to keep it going IMO. That is all I would need anyway.

Second bold -- okay that is strange....and may be cause for concern.

Why don't you ask him for his phone number and give him yours? I mean you have had three dates already. Not getting that.

Is he hiding something? That is what I would be thinking. Hmm.....

March 1, 2016

So far I've only gone out with him three times, about every other weekend. All on Saturday nights. Before we met he kept in touch on a daily basis, sometimes just small talks about the weather and how our days went, etc. Since then I'd say he's been in touch about two or three times a week.

He tried to go home with me after the second date, to which I said no. Not playing games, just not ready. Then we met for the third time and I honestly felt a stronger connection this time. We made out and everything and I jokingly said I didn't want to be a tease so we should "take it easy." And he laughed back and said he didn't expect me to because he didn't want to "appear too easy" either.

The thing is, we don't even have each other's phone number yet. We met online and so far the app of the site on our phone has been our only way of communication, which kind of bothers me too. I mean, it gives alert and all so it serves as an instant messaging service but it's the first time the phone number hasn't even come into the conversation yet in my experience.

I mean, I can see that he's pretty cautious in some ways, which I am too. Some of my previous dating experience honestly went too fast, in hindsight.

* A date every 2 weeks

* No phone number to reach him

* Trying to get you home after 2 dates

This man is in a relationship

March 1, 2016

Well one thing I will add is that I remember reading about Gaeta's BF of three months recently. Initially she wasn't attracted. Then slowly over time she gradually fell head over heels for him. If she had walked away based on her initial lack of butterflies, she wouldn't have the great relationship she does. So a connection that's super strong now wasn't at the very beginning. So things can take more time to develop than just one date.

I know and I for one will be taking that path as well this time. Not expecting to feel an immediate click, giving it at least a couple of dates.

In the past I have dismissed (for lack of a better word) guys too quickly....guys who may have been perfect for me!

March 1, 2016

* A date every 2 weeks

* No phone number to reach him

* Trying to get you home after 2 dates

This man is in a relationship

This I can agree on. Don't know if he's in a relationship. But something is definitely up. The fact that there is still no actual phone number exchange by now is kind of weird. Also, if you're not seeing a guy at least once a week or more then he isn't that interested in you IMO.

March 1, 2016

First bold -- this is fine! Perfectly normal, so I would not be concerned about this at all! Three times a week is enough to keep it going IMO. That is all I would need anyway.

Second bold -- okay that is strange....and may be cause for concern.

Why don't you ask him for his phone number and give him yours? I mean you have had three dates already. Not getting that.

Is he hiding something? That is what I would be thinking. Hmm.....

Haha I know. I kind of laughed that I forgot to mention this important detail in my original post. Yes it's very concerning. I guess I thought about it when we were "texting" during the week but as soon as we set up plans and then hang out in person, all is forgotten.

I guess if he's not into texting or social media or emails, he probably thought this is fine for now since at least you can reach the other person. But if I see him again I'll definitely need to remember to bring this up.

March 1, 2016

* A date every 2 weeks

* No phone number to reach him

* Trying to get you home after 2 dates

This man is in a relationship

Gaeta's spidy senses are in high gear tonight!

And I am afraid she may be right!

March 1, 2016

To me a connection is different than butterflies.

Thinking back I can tell you I went to a second date and 3rd date with him because he kept the connection alive. He would call, he's not a texter, he'd talk to me just long enough to get my attention, made me laugh, etc. Then he'd be on my mind. A couple of days later he'd call and invite me on a date for 3-4 date later. He did not overwhelm me but he didn't let me forget about him.

Exactly.... smart guy!

March 1, 2016

This I can agree on. Don't know if he's in a relationship. But something is definitely up. The fact that there is still no actual phone number exchange by now is kind of weird. Also, if you're not seeing a guy at least once a week or more then he isn't that interested in you IMO.

Haha yeah good observation. I can't tell if he's in a relationship but my past experience tells me he could be fresh out of a recent breakup, still hung up on somebody at work, or he just simply has a lot of options online that he's seeing multiple people at the same time, in which case you'd probably have to space out the dates with each person a little bit until you decide you want to see someone more regularly or steadily. At least he seems to remember what I do or random stuff we talked about before.

Well, it's not like I'm tied down to one person either and all I can think of is just go with the flow and see what happens next without overanalyzing things. I mean, the last guy I dated showed all sorts of interest the entire time and was constantly in touch, planning dates every week, we saw each other several times a week, he introduced me to his friends, etc., and overall we moved things really fast within two months, and eventually he still ended things. I just don't know anymore lol...

March 1, 2016

Well, it's not like I'm tied down to one person either and all I can think of is just go with the flow and see what happens next without overanalyzing things.

If this is true then why this thread? Why the concern he's not texting you more often?

Seems contradictory.

I would definitely ask for his number though.... and gauge his response.

If he is in a RL, then certainly he will feel uncomfortable giving it to you.

Multiple dating, not sure why he would be hesitant to give it to you, it's not like he's committed to anyone he doesn't want seeing your texts or knowing you texted him.

Something's up with that.... sorry.

Edited March 1, 2016 by katiegrl

March 1, 2016

I can't tell if he's in a relationship but my past experience tells me he could be fresh out of a recent breakup, still hung up on somebody at work, or he just simply has a lot of options online that he's seeing multiple people at the same time,

Men freshly out of relationships or men juggling several women at the same time are happy to give their phone numbers. Your guy is in a full blown relationship. The only reason he is not giving his number is because he doesn't get caught texting another woman.

March 1, 2016

Men freshly out of relationships or men juggling several women at the same time are happy to give their phone numbers. Your guy is in a full blown relationship. The only reason he is not giving his number is because he doesn't get caught texting another woman.

He may even be married.

From what I understand, a lot of very unhappy (or even happily) married guys are out there skulking the internet for other chicks.

I know I would be REAL leery of a guy who didn't ask to exchange numbers, preferably before we meet, but definitely immediately after we meet.... assuming we click.

There is no reason for that type of secrecy. Other than he is in a RL or married.

March 1, 2016

If this is true then why this thread? Why the concern he's not texting you more often?

Seems contradictory.

I would definitely ask for his number though.... and gauge his response.

If he is in a RL, then certainly he will feel uncomfortable giving it to you.

Multiple dating, not sure why he would be hesitant to give it to you, it's not like he's committed to anyone he doesn't want seeing your texts or knowing you texted him.

Something's up with that.... sorry.

Yep we'll see what comes out of that conversation. If he's in a relationship, wouldn't he be afraid that his girlfriend would catch him using a dating site and app on his phone? And I don't think he'd be available on Saturdays then.

March 1, 2016

Been casually seeing someone for a while and at the beginning he would pretty much keep in touch on a daily basis, not full-on conversations or long chats but sometimes just to check in, which was cool; however, after two or three dates that frequency of communication has been dwindling. There would still be some contact but mostly just to make plans for the weekend.

He's been mostly very attentive, affectionate, and caring on our dates so far and we always have a great time together. We talk about everything, laugh a lot, compliment each other, and sometimes mention things we should try together in the future or hint about the next date. He respected me when I wasn't comfortable about going home with him at one point and never pushed me for sex since.

The thing is, I've always been told that it's not how he acts ON the dates that really shows whether he's interested in you or not but actually what he does IN BETWEEN dates - someone who's truly interested would keep in touch when you are not around each other because you are on their mind a lot. That's why I got a bit concerned.

I do recall that he often says that he's very much "against" modern technology that he doesn't use social media and he values in-person communication much more. He said he'd much rather call someone than keep in touch over Facebook or something. So I wonder if that could be an explanation, too.

I'll share a little pearl with you...

Many many many men are not as talkative as women and honestly have no clue what to say to a woman when there is nothing blindingly obvious to say. Not to mention, that most men tend to be quite boring (and I don't say that in a bad way, more like a fact) and un-colorful. Most of them are this way and it is nothing to be alarmed or fret about. He just doesn't have anything to say. It's not a reflection of his feelings for you.

March 1, 2016

Yep we'll see what comes out of that conversation. If he's in a relationship, wouldn't he be afraid that his girlfriend would catch him using a dating site and app on his phone? And I don't think he'd be available on Saturdays then.

Maybe she works evening nights like she's a nurse.

C'mon, think about it. You were good enough to take home with him but you're not good enough to get his phone number? How do you justify that in your head?

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Is it a bad sign that he only texts/contacts to make plans but not much small talks?

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