Is it a bad sign that he only texts/contacts to make plans but not much small talks?

[adilaurentis]

Been casually seeing someone for a while and at the beginning he would pretty much keep in touch on a daily basis, not full-on conversations or long chats but sometimes just to check in, which was cool; however, after two or three dates that frequency of communication has been dwindling. There would still be some contact but mostly just to make plans for the weekend.

 

He's been mostly very attentive, affectionate, and caring on our dates so far and we always have a great time together. We talk about everything, laugh a lot, compliment each other, and sometimes mention things we should try together in the future or hint about the next date. He respected me when I wasn't comfortable about going home with him at one point and never pushed me for sex since.

 

The thing is, I've always been told that it's not how he acts ON the dates that really shows whether he's interested in you or not but actually what he does IN BETWEEN dates - someone who's truly interested would keep in touch when you are not around each other because you are on their mind a lot. That's why I got a bit concerned.

 

I do recall that he often says that he's very much "against" modern technology that he doesn't use social media and he values in-person communication much more. He said he'd much rather call someone than keep in touch over Facebook or something. So I wonder if that could be an explanation, too.

[Wewon]

If texting is important to you, then there is nothing anyone can do. However, before you next a guy keep a few things in perspective; below are your own words of what you are getting out of the relationship:

 

He's been mostly very attentive, affectionate, and caring on our dates so far and we always have a great time together. We talk about everything, laugh a lot, compliment each other, and sometimes mention things we should try together in the future or hint about the next date. He respected me when I wasn't comfortable about going home with him at one point and never pushed me for sex since.

 

I don't know how much priority that you put on these things or how easily you think that they are replaced versus finding someone that keeps sending you text.

 

When you consider this, why is it so important that you consume his every waking thought?

[yxalitis]

Been casually seeing someone for a while and at the beginning he would pretty much keep in touch on a daily basis, not full-on conversations or long chats but sometimes just to check in, which was cool; however, after two or three dates that frequency of communication has been dwindling. There would still be some contact but mostly just to make plans for the weekend.

 

He's been mostly very attentive, affectionate, and caring on our dates so far and we always have a great time together. We talk about everything, laugh a lot, compliment each other, and sometimes mention things we should try together in the future or hint about the next date. He respected me when I wasn't comfortable about going home with him at one point and never pushed me for sex since.

 

The thing is, I've always been told that it's not how he acts ON the dates that really shows whether he's interested in you or not but actually what he does IN BETWEEN dates - someone who's truly interested would keep in touch when you are not around each other because you are on their mind a lot. That's why I got a bit concerned.

 

I do recall that he often says that he's very much "against" modern technology that he doesn't use social media and he values in-person communication much more. He said he'd much rather call someone than keep in touch over Facebook or something. So I wonder if that could be an explanation, too.

My guess: he's fading you out.

 

He already demonstrated that he is fine with frequent texting, don't let some bullcrap excuse about "technology" divert you attention from that.

 

And if he values in person communication...where is he?

 

Move on...if he pursues you, fine, but I guess you simply won't hear from him...

[Miss Peach]

In my experience it's usually not good when guys are silent between dates. My normal experience are that guys who are into you will step things up until they are essentially acting like your BF or show they regard you as casual. When I've discussed this with my guy friends they all agreed with me and that any guy who doesn't is probably not going to last or just looking for something casual. So I do assume this is the rule.

 

On the contrary, my BF when I met him did what your guy did. He ONLY contacted me to arrange dates. He had told me everything from he likes to discuss these things on the date in person to he's not a phone guy. On the dates his body language said he was smitten and really into me. So I dated him for a few months while dating other guys (no sex) in order to keep my not focused on him and give me enough time with him to figure him out. Even though I liked him a lot I tried to take it one date at a time with the idea that this may not be enough for me and I might need to end it.

 

In my story BF did come through, make things official, and has treated me really well. But the telephone usage has never improved. He is happy to hear from me and picks up when I call him. But he only initiates when he travels for work. Other than that he's been a good BF and I see him often enough now it's not too big of an issue for me. But if I needed to hear from him every day it would be a source of incompatibility.

[adilaurentis]

In my experience it's usually not good when guys are silent between dates. My normal experience are that guys who are into you will step things up until they are essentially acting like your BF or show they regard you as casual. When I've discussed this with my guy friends they all agreed with me and that any guy who doesn't is probably not going to last or just looking for something casual. So I do assume this is the rule.

 

On the contrary, my BF when I met him did what your guy did. He ONLY contacted me to arrange dates. He had told me everything from he likes to discuss these things on the date in person to he's not a phone guy. On the dates his body language said he was smitten and really into me. So I dated him for a few months while dating other guys (no sex) in order to keep my not focused on him and give me enough time with him to figure him out. Even though I liked him a lot I tried to take it one date at a time with the idea that this may not be enough for me and I might need to end it.

 

In my story BF did come through, make things official, and has treated me really well. But the telephone usage has never improved. He is happy to hear from me and picks up when I call him. But he only initiates when he travels for work. Other than that he's been a good BF and I see him often enough now it's not too big of an issue for me. But if I needed to hear from him every day it would be a source of incompatibility.

 

I guess only time will tell. My impression is that if he keeps asking you out on a regular basis, then he's interested. However, if he's only casually keeping in touch and never making plans, or if he rarely initiates contact at all then there's a problem.

 

I've dated a guy once where he would keep in touch well but was never that eager to see me, like he was mainly looking for that source of comfort or someone to talk to at the end of the day because he was lonely and had no better options; another guy who would only check in on me every now and then to keep some sort of connection going, but again never made plans until it's convenient for him to be bothered. Of course both ended up confessing that they were not that interested. I definitely saw that coming.

[adilaurentis]

If texting is important to you, then there is nothing anyone can do. However, before you next a guy keep a few things in perspective; below are your own words of what you are getting out of the relationship:

 

 

 

I don't know how much priority that you put on these things or how easily you think that they are replaced versus finding someone that keeps sending you text.

 

When you consider this, why is it so important that you consume his every waking thought?

 

You have a good point. I'm not typically a needy person, but scars from the past have taught me a lesson to watch out for "red flags" like no contact in between dates to recognize their lack of interest.

 

I realize I can't lump all men together. It's just hard to tell at the beginning stage of dating. This sort of thing wouldn't bother some women, but I get attached too easily.

[d0nnivain]

I would be thrilled to find somebody who didn't pester me with multiple texts.

 

He texted in the beginning because he "had to". It's a non-intrusive way to reach out. But he has told you he doesn't like texting. I don't understand why you refuse to take him at his word about that.

 

If all else is good, ask for more in between communication but be willing to initiate it. Don't make assumptions based on the frequency of his texts.

[Miss Peach]

I guess only time will tell. My impression is that if he keeps asking you out on a regular basis, then he's interested. However, if he's only casually keeping in touch and never making plans, or if he rarely initiates contact at all then there's a problem.

 

I've dated a guy once where he would keep in touch well but was never that eager to see me, like he was mainly looking for that source of comfort or someone to talk to at the end of the day because he was lonely and had no better options; another guy who would only check in on me every now and then to keep some sort of connection going, but again never made plans until it's convenient for him to be bothered. Of course both ended up confessing that they were not that interested. I definitely saw that coming.

 

I've seen that too. The thing is MOST guys do a combination of making plans and contact at the beginning. That is probably the surest sign of interest. When they give you only one or the other it leaves you reading between the lines.

 

How is he on dates? What does his body language suggest?

 

I know it's hard but I have a book that talks about dropping the illusion of controlling the outcome. The truth is he may be with you a short or long time. He might be a great guy or a jerk. It's really too early to know any of this and it's not in your control. Just enjoy it and if he's not meeting your needs or you see red flags then stop seeing him. Even though it would be great to have a crystal ball to see how it all turns out, it's not something we can know or be in control of. All you really can do is stay in the moment, open your eyes, know what you want, and know your boundaries.

[katiegrl]

Okay let's get down to it.

 

How often do you see him? Every weekend? Saturday nights? Sunday?

 

And how often does he contact you during the week.... to check in, say hi, thinking of you, send you something fun via text?

 

Once or twice, or just to make plans for the weekend (assuming you'll be getting together)?

 

And you say you've been seeing him "awhile." What's awhile? Two weeks, two months?

 

You also say he has tried to have sex with you, but you said no.

 

When did he try, first date, fifth date?

 

Once you answer I will be in a better position to give my opinion.

 

Thanks!!

Edited February 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

however, after two or three dates that frequency of communication has been dwindling. There would still be some contact but mostly just to make plans for the weekend.

 

He respected me when I wasn't comfortable about going home with him at one point and never pushed me for sex since.

 

someone who's truly interested would keep in touch when you are not around each other because you are on their mind a lot. That's why I got a bit concerned.

 

I do recall that he often says that he's very much "against" modern technology that he doesn't use social media and he values in-person communication much more. He said he'd much rather call someone than keep in touch over Facebook or something. So I wonder if that could be an explanation, too.

 

Here is how I see it.

 

He first was interested an showed it by daily communication because he was in chase mode. He wanted to get you in bed.

 

After you declined following him home he only contacted you to set up a date.

 

Typical.

 

What is 2 or 3 dates? Is it 2 or 3 ?

 

Sounds like he offered you to follow him home after your 1st date?

 

Yes when a man is interested he keeps in touch. He keeps in touch because you're on his mind and because he wants to make sure he is on your mind.

 

Look, this guy told you he's not very social media but more like the type to call. Ok good, so why isn't he calling?

 

He's not interested in you to get to know you. He's interested in keeping you on his back burner just in case you'd suddenly be interested in having sex with him.

[thecrucible]

He could be like me. I hate texting. I will do it grudgingly because it helps to achieve what I want - more in-person contact. But I don't like long conversations on it. I don't come across as blunt on text but I just don't like it. However, I would very happily have an hour long conversation with a man or friend on the phone and think nothing of it. However if this guy is really not into texting, he should surely call you instead.

[loveweary11]

He's probably taking his advice from the "How to get dates" threads on this forum.

 

It's said over and over that one should only text to set up the next date. I disagree...

[Buddhist]

 

The thing is, I've always been told that it's not how he acts ON the dates that really shows whether he's interested in you or not but actually what he does IN BETWEEN dates - someone who's truly interested would keep in touch when you are not around each other because you are on their mind a lot. That's why I got a bit concerned.

 

I do recall that he often says that he's very much "against" modern technology that he doesn't use social media and he values in-person communication much more. He said he'd much rather call someone than keep in touch over Facebook or something. So I wonder if that could be an explanation, too.

 

Have you ever thought that he doesn't engage in small talk over text because he wants something to talk about during your dates? If you two are so busy spilling the minutae of your lives in between dates things could get awkward when you actually meet up. What he's doing is what people used to do as a matter of course not very long ago. He's waiting until you are together to enjoy the time with you.

 

I really don't get this, needing to be texted thing in terms of human relating. I would much rather a guy like yours than one who texted me non-stop small talk all day and never asked for a date. I have plenty of male friends who do exactly this. It gets so tedious and I end up not responding to them. Younger people need to realise that texting isn't relating to another person on anything except the most mundane and superficial level. I don't know when texting became one of the human needs on Maslow's hierarchy.

[katiegrl]

Have you ever thought that he doesn't engage in small talk over text because he wants something to talk about during your dates? If you two are so busy spilling the minutae of your lives in between dates things could get awkward when you actually meet up. What he's doing is what people used to do as a matter of course not very long ago. He's waiting until you are together to enjoy the time with you.

 

I really don't get this, needing to be texted thing in terms of human relating. I would much rather a guy like yours than one who texted me non-stop small talk all day and never asked for a date. I have plenty of male friends who do exactly this. It gets so tedious and I end up not responding to them. Younger people need to realise that texting isn't relating to another person on anything except the most mundane and superficial level. I don't know when texting became one of the human needs on Maslow's hierarchy.

 

Speaking personally, I don't particularly need or enjoy spilling the minutiae of our daily lives via text either....but I do appreciate a quick "good night, hope you had a good day," or "looking forward to seeing you," or "thinking of you," type texts every couple of days when I am first dating a man.

 

Serves to keep the connection alive between dates. It feels good to know I am on his mind.

Edited March 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Erik30]

Some dating sites and books for guys advice them to only use texting for setting up dates, so he could be doing that. Basically to save the conversations for the date, so the girl won't lose interest

[katiegrl]

Some dating sites and books for guys advice them to only use texting for setting up dates, so he could be doing that. Basically to save the conversations for the date, so the girl won't lose interest

 

I know but the girl likes to know the man she's dating is thinking of her too.... as I said, we need that to keep the connection alive. Not necessarily every day, but certainly every 2-3 days.

 

Men don't need it...and I get that, but men to be cognizant of how the woman is interpreting his behavior .... and if he saves communicating with her for only when he wants to set up a date....she may think he doesn't care all that much, and lose the connection.

 

It's happened to me and many of my friends.

 

Many of these PUA books article are for the birds IMO. They give men the wrong advice.

 

They work on insecure women with low-self esteem but with women who respect and value themselves, she may move on.

 

Plenty of other guys out there willing to put in the effort between dates.

[fitnessfan365]

It feels good to know I am on his mind.

 

Everyone's different Katie. I get that. But at the same time, wouldn't a guy be demonstrating his interest by making regular dates? I've always believed that actions speak louder than words.

 

It's just surprising to me that women will continue to say that things are great in person and that the guy is making regular plans with her, yet she still has doubts or even wants to walk away because she's not getting enough texts. It really does seem like texting has become one of the biggest downfalls of dating along w/social media.

[katiegrl]

Everyone's different Katie. I get that. But at the same time, wouldn't a guy be demonstrating his interest by making regular dates? I've always believed that actions speak louder than words.

.

 

Absolutely! But how often is he making dates? Once a week? Once every two weeks?

 

So if he contacts her only to set up a date, then he's making contact once a week or once every two weeks....and thus risking her losing the connection and meeting a guy who puts in more effort to let her know he's interested.

 

Now if they're seeing each other three times a week, that's different obviously.

 

But the OP said her guy only contacts her to set up a date for the weekend, and we don't even know if that's every weekend.

 

I asked her, but she hasn't responded.

 

And for the record, sending a quick text is an action too.

Edited March 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Men think we want 'regular dates' so we should be happy with 1 phone call a week to set up the 1 date a week.

 

Listen, we want a 'connection' and you don't build a connection on 1 call a week.

 

I don't know why you guys on here continue ignoring what we prefer. Women want attention, can we agree on that? How is 1 call a week giving a woman proper attention?

[Gaeta]

Men think we want 'regular dates' so we should be happy with 1 phone call a week to set up the 1 date a week.

 

Listen, we want a 'connection' and you don't build a connection on 1 call a week.

 

I don't know why you guys on here continue ignoring what we prefer. Women want attention, can we agree on that? How is 1 call a week giving a woman proper attention?

 

AND forgot to add.

 

A man that is interested in a woman doesn't only call 1 time a week. I'm sorry, men and women want to connect. When a man meets a woman and he finds himself interested in her he wants to talk to her, he wants to see her, he thinks and wonders about her!!

 

A man making 1 call a week to set up a date is only interested in filling his agenda.

[fitnessfan365]

Fair enough Gaeta.

 

But at the same time would you agree that a connection takes time to build? I can only speak for myself personally. However, in the beginning I wouldn't be invested enough yet to want to have regular calls and texts. I'd be focusing on getting to know her in person and if I started to feel like there was something more there, I'd increase the amount of communication and dates over time.

 

It seems like these days that more and more people lack patience and want instant gratification. It's like "Hey, I've only had a few dates with this guy but why isn't he calling/texting me a lot more?" Maybe because he isn't invested enough that soon. Some people just need more time to warm up to somebody.

[katiegrl]

AND forgot to add.

 

A man that is interested in a woman doesn't only call 1 time a week. I'm sorry, men and women want to connect. When a man meets a woman and he finds himself interested in her he wants to talk to her, he wants to see her, he thinks and wonders about her!!

 

A man making 1 call a week to set up a date is only interested in filling his agenda.

 

Bolded -- they do if they're following BS advice taken from some PUA book or other such type book or article about how to increase or maintain a woman's interest level.

 

It's all back-ass wrong!

 

Except maybe it works on insecure woman with low self-esteem as I said before. We KNOW it works on them as they will no doubt be scrambling about trying to figure out how to get the guy to start paying attention to her again.....

 

So perhaps those advice books/articles are geared mostly toward men who wish to attract the insecure type, so as to maintain upper hand - who know!

 

But you are right Gaeta, once a week to set up a date for the weekend is not enough, not by a long shot. Not for me anyway (and most women I know).

[Buddhist]

It seems like these days that more and more people lack patience and want instant gratification. It's like "Hey, I've only had a few dates with this guy but why isn't he calling/texting me a lot more?" Maybe because he isn't invested enough that soon. Some people just need more time to warm up to somebody.

 

Yes I've noticed this too. Insta-friends, is a real thing. People tend to think just because emotional attachment hasn't happened immediately it's never going to happen and move on. Life in general needs to slow down. Everything is needed to move at a frantic pace these days.

[adilaurentis]

I've seen that too. The thing is MOST guys do a combination of making plans and contact at the beginning. That is probably the surest sign of interest. When they give you only one or the other it leaves you reading between the lines.

 

How is he on dates? What does his body language suggest?

 

I know it's hard but I have a book that talks about dropping the illusion of controlling the outcome. The truth is he may be with you a short or long time. He might be a great guy or a jerk. It's really too early to know any of this and it's not in your control. Just enjoy it and if he's not meeting your needs or you see red flags then stop seeing him. Even though it would be great to have a crystal ball to see how it all turns out, it's not something we can know or be in control of. All you really can do is stay in the moment, open your eyes, know what you want, and know your boundaries.

 

Good advice. Of course I understand all the rules by the book but when it comes to practice it's hard to just go with the flow and not overthink it Some of my girlfriends never seem to be bothered by the dating process until they are in an established relationship, whereas I'm just always the more easily attached and emotional type.

 

He's actually amazing on dates. We have a great chemistry and he's always leaning in, initiating physical contact, etc. I wouldn't even question his interest level if everything could be judged by that only. Unfortunately I've dated one guy in the past where he was just as "amazing" on dates but never contacted much when we were not around each other.

[katiegrl]

Fair enough Gaeta.

 

But at the same time would you agree that a connection takes time to build? I can only speak for myself personally. However, in the beginning I wouldn't be invested enough yet to want to have regular calls and texts. I'd be focusing on getting to know her in person and if I started to feel like there was something more there, I'd increase the amount of communication and dates over time.

 

It seems like these days that more and more people lack patience and want instant gratification. It's like "Hey, I've only had a few dates with this guy but why isn't he calling/texting me a lot more?" Maybe because he isn't invested enough that soon. Some people just need more time to warm up to somebody.

 

No it doesn't. For me and many people it takes one date to feel that connection. And it will build from there.

 

FF, here is what happens when we only hear from the guy once every one or two weeks to set up a date.

 

We have a great date, we connect. Then we don't hear from him and lose the connection which at this very early stage is very fragile, thus easy to lose.

 

So the connection is broken, and then we hear from him again. So we go out on another date (maybe), and are starting from scratch again because whatever connection we developed/felt on the first date is gone.

 

It's a viscous cycle of feeling a connection, losing the connection.

 

It's exhausting, and after a few weeks of this, I'm like screw this and moving on.

 

Just me.