Terrible date! He wants to know why..

[AMJ]

I'm not really sure how to give constructive feedback to this guy.

 

The polite response would be- "Oh, you did nothing wrong, I just didn't feel a connection. You're very nice, I'm sure you'll find someone great!" etc.

 

The rude response would be not to reply at all, since he messaged me two days after our horrible date.

 

I'm usually polite when guys ask for feedback like this. However, this guy is 45 and I feel like I'm not doing him- or any of his future dates- any favors by not giving the blunt honest truth.

 

Which is- he has really poor social skills. He looks much older in person than in his photos. Generally he's just a little bit strange and we didn't have a single thing in common. Examples of the awkwardness...well he took me to a tiny wine bar where he knows the owners by name. Then he wanted to sit at this bar, where the owners could hear every single word of our conversation. No privacy on a blind first date sets up the entire date to be awkward. The owners were shocked to see me walk in with him, which is bad sign.

 

Also, I started to wonder just how often he comes to this tiny wine bar, and he had no problem admitting he's there at least every Thursday. Being a local at a bar may not be a red flag for some, but for me, at age 45, it's just...not what I'm looking for. I could tell he doesn't have much of a social life, or a life at all, outside of work. No hobbies, nothing interesting to contribute to the conversation..he just likes to drink wine at this little spot by his house.

 

What else...he blurted out odd things in the middle of the conversation. He'd ask me a question and then nervously grab a magazine on the bar, start flipping through the pages, instead of making eye contact while I'm answering the question he just asked me. He kept interrupting me while I was talking to applaud the guy playing a guitar every single time he finished a song...I guess that was polite to the guitar player, but it was annoying for me. And it wasn't like, politely clapping. He'd hold his hand up as a motion for me to actually stop talking, while turning around and cheering "woohoo" for the guitar player. This was by no means a rock concert, lol.

 

He would jump from one place to another really unrelated place in the conversation...which, if you've ever been in a conversation like this, is exhausting to keep up with.

 

Idk. I'm sure there's someone out there who would like to date him. Overall I just had absolutely no connection to him. And I didn't think I would, based on his profile. I only agreed to go out with him because, everyone in my life- and my last therapist- has said I need to learn how to be attracted to different types of men...as in the opposite type of man I'm usually attracted to. So I'm going out with people I don't really want to go out with, and hoping something will click. It's not a good gameplan. LOL.

 

Oh and then while I'm walking, practically running, to my car, making no effort whatsoever to walk next to him, but he's like walking behind me, trying to catch up..he says- I'd love to see you again, etc. Me- Oh, well you can just call me! Him-Yeah but I don't have your number...Me- thinking, dammit. debated giving him the wrong one, debated just telling him right there I wasn't interested, but gave him my real number instead.

 

He then gives me a hug, I'm pretty sure I'd put my arms in front of me to block him, not kidding, he says "I really want to kiss you" I turn my head away, and definitely had my arms out in front of me at this point to keep him away...and he kisses me anyway. I jump into my car, and while I'm shutting the door he's yelling "I really like you!"

 

And then I get this really nice text message about how much he enjoyed my company and thinks I'm beautiful.

 

So the thing is, he's a nice guy. I don't want to be mean, and have no reason to be mean. How do I respond? Which of this feedback is constructive, and which is too harsh?

[AMJ]

I meant to start off my thread by explaining that two days after our date, he sends me a message saying "So I guess our date didn't go the way you'd hoped? Sorry I'm not Mr. Right. I would like some helpful feedback on where I went wrong? I liked you. I hope you can help me!"

[Satu]

If you answer you have to be honest.

 

If you are afraid of hurting his feelings by being honest, you might be best advised not to answer.

 

It's a tough call.

 

 

Take care.

[EatYourVeggies]

The dude was weird enough already and doubles down by asking for feedback.

 

Too many horror stories about crazy people going murder / sucide.

 

I wouldnt say anything and let him sort it out himself. You met him on a dating website not Dr. Phill's forum.

[Redhead14]

I'm not really sure how to give constructive feedback to this guy.

 

The polite response would be- "Oh, you did nothing wrong, I just didn't feel a connection. You're very nice, I'm sure you'll find someone great!" etc.

 

The rude response would be not to reply at all, since he messaged me two days after our horrible date.

 

I'm usually polite when guys ask for feedback like this. However, this guy is 45 and I feel like I'm not doing him- or any of his future dates- any favors by not giving the blunt honest truth.

 

Which is- he has really poor social skills. He looks much older in person than in his photos. Generally he's just a little bit strange and we didn't have a single thing in common. Examples of the awkwardness...well he took me to a tiny wine bar where he knows the owners by name. Then he wanted to sit at this bar, where the owners could hear every single word of our conversation. No privacy on a blind first date sets up the entire date to be awkward. The owners were shocked to see me walk in with him, which is bad sign.

 

Also, I started to wonder just how often he comes to this tiny wine bar, and he had no problem admitting he's there at least every Thursday. Being a local at a bar may not be a red flag for some, but for me, at age 45, it's just...not what I'm looking for. I could tell he doesn't have much of a social life, or a life at all, outside of work. No hobbies, nothing interesting to contribute to the conversation..he just likes to drink wine at this little spot by his house.

 

What else...he blurted out odd things in the middle of the conversation. He'd ask me a question and then nervously grab a magazine on the bar, start flipping through the pages, instead of making eye contact while I'm answering the question he just asked me. He kept interrupting me while I was talking to applaud the guy playing a guitar every single time he finished a song...I guess that was polite to the guitar player, but it was annoying for me. And it wasn't like, politely clapping. He'd hold his hand up as a motion for me to actually stop talking, while turning around and cheering "woohoo" for the guitar player. This was by no means a rock concert, lol.

 

He would jump from one place to another really unrelated place in the conversation...which, if you've ever been in a conversation like this, is exhausting to keep up with.

 

Idk. I'm sure there's someone out there who would like to date him. Overall I just had absolutely no connection to him. And I didn't think I would, based on his profile. I only agreed to go out with him because, everyone in my life- and my last therapist- has said I need to learn how to be attracted to different types of men...as in the opposite type of man I'm usually attracted to. So I'm going out with people I don't really want to go out with, and hoping something will click. It's not a good gameplan. LOL.

 

Oh and then while I'm walking, practically running, to my car, making no effort whatsoever to walk next to him, but he's like walking behind me, trying to catch up..he says- I'd love to see you again, etc. Me- Oh, well you can just call me! Him-Yeah but I don't have your number...Me- thinking, dammit. debated giving him the wrong one, debated just telling him right there I wasn't interested, but gave him my real number instead.

 

He then gives me a hug, I'm pretty sure I'd put my arms in front of me to block him, not kidding, he says "I really want to kiss you" I turn my head away, and definitely had my arms out in front of me at this point to keep him away...and he kisses me anyway. I jump into my car, and while I'm shutting the door he's yelling "I really like you!"

 

And then I get this really nice text message about how much he enjoyed my company and thinks I'm beautiful.

 

So the thing is, he's a nice guy. I don't want to be mean, and have no reason to be mean. How do I respond? Which of this feedback is constructive, and which is too harsh?

 

...and he kisses me anyway. -- Anyone who crosses my boundaries loses the "nice guy" title . . . Just tell him that there wasn't enough of a connection for you.

[Versacehottie]

I meant to start off my thread by explaining that two days after our date, he sends me a message saying "So I guess our date didn't go the way you'd hoped? Sorry I'm not Mr. Right. I would like some helpful feedback on where I went wrong? I liked you. I hope you can help me!"

 

Awww, I feel bad for him. That is a pretty nice way to ask what went wrong. It doesn't seem so pushy. sounds like he wants real feedback. Do you think you could give him one or two points that will really help him? You don't have to be cruel, just honest. I think it's true that it may be harder to change the older you get however, the fact that he is asking for feedback seems like someone who is willing to at least hear it. You don't have to date him (it doesn't sound like that is in your plans lol!) but if he's a nice guy why not help him for the next one that comes along? Maybe he was truly stunned by your beauty which is why he was awkward. I hear ya on the location and having a private convo in front of all the people he knew from the wine bar. I also hear you on the fact that he has the thursday night routine there--totally understandable that it's not for you but it might be for someone else. Well good luck if you tell him. Under the circumstances you've laid out here, I would tell him.

[SoftViolin]

Wow, sorry - sounds like an exhausting date. I guess I would suggest to respond to him saying exactly what you said in the beginning - you are a very nice guy, I just didn't feel the connection (which is true, in your case), but also giving him feedback on his choice for the location of the date, saying that you didn't feel at ease there, and he might think about choosing a different place next time, where he could concentrate on his date, rather than feel obligated to talk to, or clap, to people he knows.

 

On a different note, you are saying you went out with him, as you are trying to attract a different type of men. Can you elaborate on that a bit? Just thinking maybe there's a certain trait you can concentrate on finding in a man, but not necessarily go for the exact opposite of what you find attractive.

 

In advance of a blind meet, how you feel might turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. These types of meets are a bit awkward anyway, so if you go into them with a heavy heart and not putting your best attitude forward, because you expect it not to go well, it will make it hard for you, and for the people you are meeting.

[Chris2016]

Interesting read. I wonder if he took you there because that was his comfort place/atmosphere, where everbody knows your name. But in your eyes it made him look, not cool.

 

Sorry I don't have any advice. Just wanted to mention that for some reason. Pehaps so I don't do that. It seems like a good idea.

[katiegrl]

I meant to start off my thread by explaining that two days after our date, he sends me a message saying "So I guess our date didn't go the way you'd hoped? Sorry I'm not Mr. Right. I would like some helpful feedback on where I went wrong? I liked you. I hope you can help me!"

 

Oh man, my heart is serious breaking for this guy, bless his heart.

 

I would suggest you go with the standard "didn't feel a connection."

 

Another woman may love his *quirkiness*!

 

I don't know if that's the right answer, but this poor guy needs to be built up some, not knocked down.

 

JMO

[spriggan2]

Like Veggies said, you can't avoid getting personal now, so who knows how he might react.

 

However, depending on your read of him, if you think he's mature enough to handle criticism and genuinely interested in improving, and if you are genuinely interested in helping him and future dates, and not just offloading your frustration at his behavior, then maybe go for it.

 

I like honesty, but my strategy is always to be as graceful as I can, meaning find the most polite way to say what you want to say without obscuring your point. I also try to make it sound less like criticism and more like brainstorming ideas to improve. Phrases such as "maybe you should consider this, what do you think about doing this instead of that, I personally think this, etc..." Non-definites.

 

There's also the sandwich method: stuff each criticism between two positives (if there were any lol).

 

My rationale is that if someone is truly interested in changing, it means they are in a very vulnerable place, receptive to any morsel of input and legitimately considering it. No reason to overdo things. But maybe I'm just too sensitive.

 

Also you probably don't want a back and forth either. I'm thinking he could interpret your engagement as interest in furthering the relationship. He might think you weren't very reasonable in your dismissal of him and may use your feedback as something to lash out against. Keep that in mind. Have an exit strategy if you do send something and he replies with more than a thank you.

Edited February 29, 2016 by spriggan2

[katiegrl]

How about telling him his particular quirkiness wasn't your cup of tea, but you know there are many women out there who might love it, so build up some confidence and just keep going!

 

Oh and as an aside, tell him he might want to re-think flipping through magazines while engaging in convo with his dates. That was a little strange.

 

Something like that?

[Lady2163]

I'm also of the mind to keep it to 2-3 points. And make it something he can change, so while you'd like to say he looks older, that probably isn't anything he can help.

 

It does sound like he was incredibly nervous. I also wonder if he might be a high functioning autistic. His inability to take physical cues and his need to stop you from talking so he could clap for the guitar player (who was probably an acquaintance) tells me he couldn't measure what was more important. Asking a question, then dong something else when you answered is also a sign of incorrect thought process.

 

My best blow off is to say, "I ended things a few months ago with my ex boyfriend. I thought I was ready to date, I'm just not. I'm sorry." I've even worked up tears.

 

I'd comment on how you didn't feel there was any privacy to talk, but not that you weren't comfortable being there because he knew the owners and think he might be a lush. A wine bar isn't a bad first date and I'm in a small town, everyone know everyone, etc.

 

The no connection thing and social awkwardness are a bit tougher to be constructive about. I mean, not sitting at the bar next time where there's no privacy is an easy fix.

 

You could probably tell him that it is all right to make a "verbal move", by telling someone he likes them or wants to see them again, but let the woman make the first physical move. Let her be the one to offer a hug, handshake, etc. Although another way around it (had a man do this once) is to embrace the awkwardness. "So, here we are. Do we hug, kiss, shake hands....or fist bump?"

 

And then I would tell him you just didn't feel a connection.

[road]

You got the looks in that bar because they probably never saw him with a woman and if they did the never saw him with a woman that good looking.

 

 

When a man is 45 and single chances are good that his has issues. Poor social skills will always head his list of issues.

 

 

Call, don't blunt, blunt is cruel, be direct, there is a difference. Tell him about sitting at the bar, applauding inappropriately, all the things you mentioned and how to read signs when it's wrong to go for a kiss.

[katiegrl]

In reading your original post again, one word comes to mind.

 

Aspergers.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Just copy your OP and send him the whole thing. Let him digest it.

[smackie9]

You know what...you have to be cruel to be kind. There have been many threads started by guys that wished they would get constructive criticism from their dates so they can have some knowledge in what to work on. I say let him have it.

[Robratory]

I'm not really sure how to give constructive feedback to this guy.

 

The polite response would be- "Oh, you did nothing wrong, I just didn't feel a connection. You're very nice, I'm sure you'll find someone great!" etc.

 

The rude response would be not to reply at all, since he messaged me two days after our horrible date.

 

I'm usually polite when guys ask for feedback like this. However, this guy is 45 and I feel like I'm not doing him- or any of his future dates- any favors by not giving the blunt honest truth.

 

Which is- he has really poor social skills. He looks much older in person than in his photos. Generally he's just a little bit strange and we didn't have a single thing in common. Examples of the awkwardness...well he took me to a tiny wine bar where he knows the owners by name. Then he wanted to sit at this bar, where the owners could hear every single word of our conversation. No privacy on a blind first date sets up the entire date to be awkward. The owners were shocked to see me walk in with him, which is bad sign.

 

There's no "constructive" feedback you can give him. You just didn't happen to like him. You didn't have anything in common with him, but someone else might. Some other woman might have found him acceptable, but even if not, there's no way you can convey this in a positive manner.

 

Your blunt honest truth is just one of many truths. Just tell him you regret things didn't work out.

[smackie9]

Seriously? I would consider it a terrible date too and I wasn't there!

[AMJ]

Looks like the consensus is to give some feedback but keep it constructive and gentle. I did detect some sort of personality disorder, though I am by no means an expert. I have no need or issue to make fun of a person on here or make him feel worse personally, I just want to do whatever is right. I do think he's probably genuinely wondering what went wrong, since he seemed to think things went well..it's like he has no dating knowledge whatsoever.

 

He did seem nervous, there was stuttering for a little bit until he finished his first glass of wine. Another thing that might be constructive is this-

We ordered a tasting flight. The second pour was just honestly the worst wine I've ever had. I've never, in my entire life, not drank a glass of wine that was poured- I'm not fussy- but for some reason this wine was just BAD. So he noticed by my face that I disliked it. Instead of trying to order me something else, he just poured my wine into his glass. LOL. I'm really not that high maintenance, so this actually just made me want to laugh.

 

He also didn't bother asking if I wanted food, or anything like that.. Generally if I had been starving I'm totally willing and able to just order food myself. But it just really seemed like he had no idea how to take a woman on a date.

 

For Chris's question about being a local at the wine bar. I mean...it's definitely a good idea to take a woman somewhere you feel comfortable, yes. But you also want HER to feel comfortable. When I walked in, he introduced me to the four people at this tiny bar by name, so it felt like I was also meeting his friends. No one wants to meet your friends on a blind first date. This is not the first time a guy has done this to me. It's just awkward.

 

However, I could tell right away that they weren't really friends, he was just a really loyal customer. So it was a little bit awkward. If we had sat at one of the tables farther away, we would have had more privacy. Although, as sad as it is to admit, I ended up enjoying my conversation with the owner of the bar more than my own date...she had an interesting story to tell about opening the bar and keeping it open.

[katiegrl]

AMJ, I am still feeling really bad for this guy.

 

Would you consider being his friend? And sitting him down over coffee or something and compassionately explaining how dating works, and things to do and not do to attract the opposite sex?

 

Like just in general?

 

You could give him specifics about your date, but honestly this guy doesn't sound like he has a clue...and might really benefit from your *friendship* and honesty.

 

Just make it clear you like him as a friend only, but want to help him.

 

He did ask after all.

 

I know you are under no obligation, but damn the poor guy really does need some help.

 

He sounds lonely and sad.

 

I would, but I am a big SAP sometimes.

[AMJ]

AMJ, I am still feeling really bad for this guy.

 

Would you consider being his friend? And sitting him down over coffee or something and compassionately explaining how dating works, and things to do and not do to attract the opposite sex?

 

Like just in general?

 

You could give him specifics about your date, but honestly this guy doesn't sound like he has a clue...and might really benefit from your *friendship* and honesty.

 

Just make it clear you like him as a friend only, but want to help him.

 

He did ask after all.

 

I know you are under no obligation, but damn the poor guy really does need some help.

 

He sounds lonely and sad.

 

I would, but I am a big SAP sometimes.

 

I know. My younger selfish self wouldn't even respond to him. Somewhere through the years I grew a heart, lol. I mean, I'd be concerned that if I offered to meet him again, it would just lead him on. Because that's happened to me.

Once I broke up with someone after a few months, and he kept contacting me. Finally I agreed to meet him again, and my goal was to give him closure, but that's not what he was thinking. He was thinking we were going to keep dating, so I realized meeting him again was a mistake.

 

I do feel bad for him, he was a super nice guy. I also think....there's not a whole lot I can do for someone who is 45 and hasn't learned these skills yet...I tend to think that there's just a special woman out there for him? Whatever my response, I'll be kind, I promise!

 

I'm still open to all sorts of suggestions. Being bluntly honest is something my close friends love about me, but I am aware it's not always the best tactic.

[Versacehottie]

Looks like the consensus is to give some feedback but keep it constructive and gentle. I did detect some sort of personality disorder, though I am by no means an expert. I have no need or issue to make fun of a person on here or make him feel worse personally, I just want to do whatever is right. I do think he's probably genuinely wondering what went wrong, since he seemed to think things went well..it's like he has no dating knowledge whatsoever.

 

He did seem nervous, there was stuttering for a little bit until he finished his first glass of wine. Another thing that might be constructive is this-

We ordered a tasting flight. The second pour was just honestly the worst wine I've ever had. I've never, in my entire life, not drank a glass of wine that was poured- I'm not fussy- but for some reason this wine was just BAD. So he noticed by my face that I disliked it. Instead of trying to order me something else, he just poured my wine into his glass. LOL. I'm really not that high maintenance, so this actually just made me want to laugh.

 

He also didn't bother asking if I wanted food, or anything like that.. Generally if I had been starving I'm totally willing and able to just order food myself. But it just really seemed like he had no idea how to take a woman on a date.

 

For Chris's question about being a local at the wine bar. I mean...it's definitely a good idea to take a woman somewhere you feel comfortable, yes. But you also want HER to feel comfortable. When I walked in, he introduced me to the four people at this tiny bar by name, so it felt like I was also meeting his friends. No one wants to meet your friends on a blind first date. This is not the first time a guy has done this to me. It's just awkward.

 

However, I could tell right away that they weren't really friends, he was just a really loyal customer. So it was a little bit awkward. If we had sat at one of the tables farther away, we would have had more privacy. Although, as sad as it is to admit, I ended up enjoying my conversation with the owner of the bar more than my own date...she had an interesting story to tell about opening the bar and keeping it open.

 

I don't know if he has personality disorder--he just sounds like he has terrible social skills. Because now he cares and his message demonstrates pretty decent communication skills. Ok the things I would tell him--all things he can change immediately and should hurt him less:

 

Say while you didn't feel a spark if he is looking for constructive feedback you are willing to help him since he would be right for someone. But these are the tips:

a)the choice of venue where he was a familiar face and was tiny therefore your private date was not really able to just flow because it really was not private. You felt on display a bit or put on the spot. A neutral place would be better.

b)if he is nervous it's fine/normal but he should be better with eye contact and social cues. Then refer to the magazine and putting his hand up to stop your talking so he could applaud the music (rude of him but your tip is a start)

c)that in all honesty him in person and in pictures look different (you don't have to say older--just different should suffice; kinda have a feeling he knows exactly what he's doing there but overestimates his current look--and is not thinking he will get called out for it)

[edgygirl]

That's why I don't like the advice everyone is giving me to try and go on dates with people I normally wouldn't go on dates with.

 

Recipe for failure.

 

The problem with feedback is that you become the therapist/advisor. Do you really want a quirky guy sticking to you after this awkward date? There is a reason people don't like to give feedback.

[ilovemefirst]

Being so blunt can make him insecure, and that's not fair to him. You should have just said sorry i dont think we have a connection and leave it at that. Insecurity really plays on someones mind over and over, and that is not easy to overcome. I doubt you would like it as well.

[joseb]

I'd give him some feedback.

That you didn't like him putting up his hand to you mid conversation to applaud.

That the magazine flipping thing was disconcerting.

Thats you thought you made it very clear you didn't want to be kissed but he did it anyway.

 

These are things he might be able to work on.

 

To me, the wine bar choice is fine - not sure why you found that so odd or strange that he goes there a bit. I pass a little wine bar on my way home every day. There are often quite a few 40 and 50 somethings there. They have a right to get out of the house too!