angel.eyes Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I'm 29 and she is 28. She is intelligent, educated and comes from a middle class family, so I don't think that young age is the problem... It's more like she's unable to feel a strong emotional connection on a deeper level. She feels loved when I do The things she wants me to do, such as taking the dishes... But she says that gifts are a waste of money unless it's something you really need. She doesn't care about the act of giving. Hi Kevin! No doubt what I bolded is true. I would suggest reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It sounds as if Acts of Service is her primary love language. Not sure what yours is, but whatever it is, she isn't using it if you feel she hasn't made a deep emotional connection. I wonder if some of the issues in your relationship result from miscommunication. It seems you have very different styles and communicate at cross purposes. Neither of you is really hearing the other. Perhaps her comment that she tries so hard and it's never enough stems from this? Food for thought. At any rate, what you guys are doing doesn't seem to be working well for either of you, and you're both very frustrated. Either you sit down, talk it out, really hear what the other is trying to convey, and mutually agree on how you will both change...or you call it quits. Learning to communicate, negotiate, and adjust are critical skills in any relationship. Even if you walk away now, you'll need to learn these skills in your next relationship.
smackie9 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Good communication is key for a healthy long lasting relationship....you don't have that, so this crap will not stop. You can't fix, she needs to go. I know you won't breakup with her....yet.....but it's coming. 4
salparadise Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 this crap will not stop. You can't fix, she needs to go. ^ Yup. It's manipulative, disrespectful, dysfunctional and controlling. She figures she can get away with anything by making you afraid to challenge her behavior... and up until now it has worked. On the other hand, when you use "I" statements to say how you feel so as not to be accusatory, that is the right and respectful way to address an issue that needs to be discussed. Yet she refuses and gives you the silent treatment. As someone else said, it amounts to emotional abuse. But the lack of communication is only the tip of the iceberg. What you have is a woman who disrespects you and has zero empathy for how you feel. She leaves you at a party and goes off talking to other guys even though you've communicated respectfully about how it makes you feel. You can't fix it- you need to end it. It would be appros to trigger another episode of silent treatment with an "I" statement, and instead of capitulating block all avenues of communication. Who knows how long it would be before she notices. You need to stand up for yourself and learn to quickly walk away when people treat you badly. I do hope everyone's responses, universal in their disgust, has some effect on how you. There are good women out there looking for a guy who knows how to say, "I feel.... "
Miss Peach Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 To me it sounds like at least her (and maybe you) aren't emotionally available in this relationship. This sounds like a lot of push/pull and game playing. It's not the type of stuff that will sustain a healthy relationship. I highly recommend looking up Natalie Lue's blog. She writes a lot about unavailable relationships, drama-filled relationships, etc. It helped me a lot to learn to avoid these types of people and what I was doing to attract this.
deep_night Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 she's a jerk... i'd be long gone. some people think that hurting others causes more intense feelings than loving them.. they believe their significant other will cherish them more that way. you can stay and "enjoy" the power play. or maybe you can move on and meet someone who doesnt play this kind of games but keeps you by being awesome and fun and loving and open. 1
Robratory Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Thanks for your input! As you can imagine, not everything is bad. There are situations in which she is incredible caring. When I got the flu, she took care of me like no one except my mother has done before. I think she's scared of not being needed. And when I'm weak, she feels needed. She was cheated on by her ex, so I suspect that she's afraid of ending up in a vulnerable position. Things tend to get worse when she spends time with her family. She tries so hard to get their approval. If they say "So, when is the new kitchen ready?", she can't think of anything else. It's almost as if her life depended on it. When she is calm, she is completely different. I have my fair share of flaws as well, so perhaps I would be able to handle this if I was certain that her behavior is a result of different defense mechanisms. All of that would be fine and well if she acknowledged it! In good relationships, people know each other's weak points and work together to minimize their effect. One will say to the other, "You know how you said I should tell you when you crank up the crazy? Well, it's up to about 8.5 now." And the other, aware of their own weaknesses, will trust their partner and crank it down. It sounds like you've told each other your histories. I hope you can talk about how your histories affect your present relationship. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Thanks for your input! As you can imagine, not everything is bad. There are situations in which she is incredible caring. When I got the flu, she took care of me like no one except my mother has done before. I think she's scared of not being needed. And when I'm weak, she feels needed. She was cheated on by her ex, so I suspect that she's afraid of ending up in a vulnerable position. Things tend to get worse when she spends time with her family. She tries so hard to get their approval. If they say "So, when is the new kitchen ready?", she can't think of anything else. It's almost as if her life depended on it. When she is calm, she is completely different. I have my fair share of flaws as well, so perhaps I would be able to handle this if I was certain that her behavior is a result of different defense mechanisms. the first thing i thought of reading your opening post is that she has set defense mechanisms ...because she is scared of her feelings for you and she acts up......a lot of posts are saying to leave...thats up to you......i would suggest talk therapy for both of you as an option, if you are serious about her and she is serious about you....have a heart to heart ,tell her exactly how you feel and that you both cant continue this way, and still stay together and take your action and what you should do from there....good luck....deb......
adarna Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 the first thing i thought of reading your opening post is that she has set defense mechanisms ...because she is scared of her feelings for you and she acts up..... I agree with this. Your gf sounds insecure and is self-sabotaging the relationship because she is scared. Not saying it's right, but that it happens sometimes. Not a fun place to be in, but it could explain things. She feels loved when I do The things she wants me to do, such as taking the dishes... But she says that gifts are a waste of money unless it's something you really need. She doesn't care about the act of giving. Like someone else suggested, love languages. I really think that for the most part you guys just have very different love languages and communication styles. Figure out those differences and adapt or walk away because sometimes it just means you are just too fundamentally different to be in a relationship.
Phoenician Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 kevin , my friend , run run as fast as you can ... If you don't , just print this thread and read in few years again ; damn i wish I had LS 18 years ago ! You are young , she is one of a billion , what makes her special ? you need someone special to be happy ; you need a Woman , a venus Godess of Love by all means . If it was an FWB who cares , but you seem to be a good guy looking at an LTR . run ; or just come stay in my place and argue with someone about sex of angels ! 1
Phoenician Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 just a note that A venus is not necessarly very beautiful , she still can be normal looking but Gorgeous . in my theory , any women can be georgeous in something only if she wants
Emilia Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Yeah, you're probably right. I guess my own insecurities make it harder for me to see these things clearly. One thing that really annoys me, is that if I say something like: "You know, it hurt when you said that you hated my new shirt." Her response will most likely be: "I can't believe we're fighting again! I work so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but it's obviously not enough for you!" The thing is, several girls I've dated have done the exact same thing, so naturally, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing something wrong here. I know many guys claim that you should never tell your girlfriend that she hurt you. Instead you should focus on being a strong, independent man with a great social network, because women rarely hurt those men in the first place. But it seems a bit too cynical even to me, and kind of removes the point of a relationship in my opinion. You are picking narcissict girlfriends who make you feel bad about yourself. You are clearly used to this dynamic. Is there history of narcissism in your family?
adarna Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 (edited) Yeah, you're probably right. I guess my own insecurities make it harder for me to see these things clearly. One thing that really annoys me, is that if I say something like: "You know, it hurt when you said that you hated my new shirt." Her response will most likely be: "I can't believe we're fighting again! I work so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but it's obviously not enough for you!" The thing is, several girls I've dated have done the exact same thing, so naturally, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing something wrong here. I know many guys claim that you should never tell your girlfriend that she hurt you. Instead you should focus on being a strong, independent man with a great social network, because women rarely hurt those men in the first place. But it seems a bit too cynical even to me, and kind of removes the point of a relationship in my opinion. Get a handle on those insecurities and identify your emotions and motives for being hurt. They (you) are playing a part in her stonewalling you, it's not just her. Did the shirt thing really happen? If it did, I would personally think, "I gave you my opinion and as your gf who loves and cares about you I hope you trust me enough to know what looks good on you and what doesn't. You don't have to like my opinion or take my advice, but to be HURT by it seems excessive and like you're so insecure you took it that personally. Do I have to walk on eggshells around you or would everything I say/do cause another fight?" Maybe that is what you're doing wrong, since you asked. It sounds like you address every little thing that HURTS you and it always seems like a fight to her and it gets tiring (plus, no one likes to hear that they keep hurting their SO). There's a BIG difference between her not liking your shirt (or some other similar event) and her leaving you at a party. I say choose your battles -- unless this changes who you are at the core let go of little things like the shirt and focus on the big things like her disregarding you to pay attention to other men. This is not to say you are wrong for being hurt about the shirt thing, but that she just doesn't see it the same way. If it REALLY does matter to you, find a gf to whom it matters to also. Just a matter of compatibility and your measurement of mutual respect. FWIW, my guy now actually handles conflict the same way, then act like nothing happened. It used to irritate me, but I found that the best way to handle it is by pestering him and it works for us. Ignoring him back only made things worse. Why? Because it made him think I was just having a moment and needed to let it out and that it wasn't THAT important to me. You could also just put your foot down. Tell her straight that you've had enough and the next time she does it, it's over. Then stick to it. Keep in mind that she will likely never ever change. If you really want to stay with her, this is how she handles conflict and you will just have to be okay with that. Can you be okay with that? Edited March 1, 2016 by adarna
JADIE Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Awful lot of people saying to bail, but as a few have said, if there's any indication that these behaviors are defense mechanisms for her own lack of self-worth (reference her family dynamic), you might want to hang in there and see if you can help her work through it. My bf of almost 6yrs has the whole silent treatment thing going on when he gets upset, then acts like nothing's wrong when he's OK again. I finally see where his heart really is though and have hung in through a couple near-breaks, pointing out to him that this behavior isn't productive for either one of us and was likely the cause of the end of his 35yr marriage. I've told him repeatedly that it's not "just who he is" (his explanation) but a way he behaves...behavior CAN change! We had a "thing" last week and finally, FINALLY, he was able to tell me how I'd upset him, without a bunch of drama or stony silence. And he made an appointment for IC this week with no urging from me. I think I've finally impressed upon him that I'm in it for the long haul and we have something worth working on. If your gf can communicate to you in some fashion that she does WANT the relationship despite her ingrained habits of harming it, there is a chance you guys can build something very special. But she's really got to want it and demonstrate that, in spite of being scared to admit it to you. If she can't do that, then yeah, walk away...because it's impossible to hold a relationship together all by yourself.
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