How to handle silent treatment?

[Kevin_D]

My girlfriend doesn't like to discuss problems. Instead, she runs away and ignores me, until I give up. Then she acts as if nothing is wrong.

 

When we go to parties together, she usually ends up talking to some other guy for hours and completely forgets about me. I'm usually a fun, outgoing guy who enjoy talking to new people as well, but I've got this weird feeling that she's ignoring me on purpose to hurt my confidence... To demonstrate that she doesn't need me.

 

One time, I got rather annoyed and she noticed this. But, she didn't ask me if anything was wrong, nope, she asked the guy she was talking to if he had any idea why I looked annoyed...!

 

So, last weekend, I tried to tell her how it made me feel. Since I know that can't handle criticism, I made sure not to put any blame on her. Instead, I said that it would mean a lot to me if she paid some kind of attention to me during these parties, at least if we're with her friends and she's the only one I know there.

 

Her response was "Maybe we're too different after all!". I asked her if she wanted to break up, and she said "No, of course not! How can you even ask that? I love you!".

 

Since then, she's been giving me the silent treatment. We talked a bit on Facebook, but she stopped responding in the middle of a discussion and resigned in the games we played together.

 

I was confused and angry. I had basically just told her that it hurts when she ignores me, and her response was to ignore me even more. I've read a lot about stonewalling and silent treatment, so I knew that it was important to make a statement here. So I let her be and focused on my own stuff.

 

But when I hadn't heard from her for a week, I felt that I had to end this nonsense. So I asked her why she was doing this. And just as expected, she acted as if nothing was wrong; "Oh hi darling! I've been in a bad mood all week and didn't want to drag you down". Then she changed the subject and started to send me pictures of her new kitchen cabinets.

 

I told her that I want honesty, that I don't like drawn-out breakups and that it's perfectly cool if she doesn't want to date anymore. And again, just expected, she tried to turn the tables:

 

"Are you have second thoughts about us? Is that why you haven't contacted me?"

 

Am I crazy? Is she crazy? Is she aware of her own behavior? I know that I probably should break up, but I hate to just give up on things. I would like to understand what's causing this behavior.

 

I know that it may seem that she's actually trying to make me break up with her, by acting in ways she knows I hate. But the thing is, when she did this the last time, I went to her apartment and was certain that it would be the end... But to my surprise, she showered me with love.

 

It's like she's trying to invoke fear in me by making it obvious that she doesn't need me. At the same time, she wants to make it seem like I need her.

 

Anyway... What do you think? Is she just childish and have poor communication skills? Or does she actually try to manipulate me by stonewalling and giving me the silent treatment?

[Robratory]

Am I crazy? Is she crazy? Is she aware of her own behavior? I know that I probably should break up, but I hate to just give up on things. I would like to understand what's causing this behavior.

 

[snip]

 

Anyway... What do you think? Is she just childish and have poor communication skills? Or does she actually try to manipulate me by stonewalling and giving me the silent treatment?

 

No, you're not crazy. She does not appear to be acting in good faith. You want to understand? As close as I can figure, and I've been around for a while, some people just like drama in their lives. They love that rush of living in a real soap opera. They simply fail to consider the feelings of others.

 

The thing is, you can't fix it. I've seen couples in their 70s doing what you describe, with the guy gamely hanging in and hoping he can some day understand and solve the problem.

 

Anyway, unless you want to be doing this at 70, you have to understand she's not one for the long term. So... how good is the sex? Do you have any other prospects going on? Figure out your break-even point. When the good sex stops being worth it, bail.

[Redhead14]

My girlfriend doesn't like to discuss problems. Instead, she runs away and ignores me, until I give up. Then she acts as if nothing is wrong.

 

When we go to parties together, she usually ends up talking to some other guy for hours and completely forgets about me. I'm usually a fun, outgoing guy who enjoy talking to new people as well, but I've got this weird feeling that she's ignoring me on purpose to hurt my confidence... To demonstrate that she doesn't need me.

 

One time, I got rather annoyed and she noticed this. But, she didn't ask me if anything was wrong, nope, she asked the guy she was talking to if he had any idea why I looked annoyed...!

 

So, last weekend, I tried to tell her how it made me feel. Since I know that can't handle criticism, I made sure not to put any blame on her. Instead, I said that it would mean a lot to me if she paid some kind of attention to me during these parties, at least if we're with her friends and she's the only one I know there.

 

Her response was "Maybe we're too different after all!". I asked her if she wanted to break up, and she said "No, of course not! How can you even ask that? I love you!".

 

Since then, she's been giving me the silent treatment. We talked a bit on Facebook, but she stopped responding in the middle of a discussion and resigned in the games we played together.

 

I was confused and angry. I had basically just told her that it hurts when she ignores me, and her response was to ignore me even more. I've read a lot about stonewalling and silent treatment, so I knew that it was important to make a statement here. So I let her be and focused on my own stuff.

 

But when I hadn't heard from her for a week, I felt that I had to end this nonsense. So I asked her why she was doing this. And just as expected, she acted as if nothing was wrong; "Oh hi darling! I've been in a bad mood all week and didn't want to drag you down". Then she changed the subject and started to send me pictures of her new kitchen cabinets.

 

I told her that I want honesty, that I don't like drawn-out breakups and that it's perfectly cool if she doesn't want to date anymore. And again, just expected, she tried to turn the tables:

 

"Are you have second thoughts about us? Is that why you haven't contacted me?"

 

Am I crazy? Is she crazy? Is she aware of her own behavior? I know that I probably should break up, but I hate to just give up on things. I would like to understand what's causing this behavior.

 

I know that it may seem that she's actually trying to make me break up with her, by acting in ways she knows I hate. But the thing is, when she did this the last time, I went to her apartment and was certain that it would be the end... But to my surprise, she showered me with love.

 

It's like she's trying to invoke fear in me by making it obvious that she doesn't need me. At the same time, she wants to make it seem like I need her.

 

Anyway... What do you think? Is she just childish and have poor communication skills? Or does she actually try to manipulate me by stonewalling and giving me the silent treatment?

 

What do you think? Is she just childish and have poor communication skills?

 

Or does she actually try to manipulate me by stonewalling and giving me the silent treatment?

 

Does it matter? Which one of those sets of behaviors are appealing to you?

 

All of the above apply -- childish, has poor communication skills and manipulative. Bottomline she is emotionally immature. Move on.

[KatZee]

I'd end it and move on. This is a headache, not a relationship.

 

But that's just me. I don't settle for stupid.

[amaysngrace]

I treat my pets better than she treats you.

[Kevin_D]

Thanks for your input!

 

As you can imagine, not everything is bad. There are situations in which she is incredible caring. When I got the flu, she took care of me like no one except my mother has done before.

 

I think she's scared of not being needed. And when I'm weak, she feels needed. She was cheated on by her ex, so I suspect that she's afraid of ending up in a vulnerable position.

 

Things tend to get worse when she spends time with her family. She tries so hard to get their approval. If they say "So, when is the new kitchen ready?", she can't think of anything else. It's almost as if her life depended on it.

 

When she is calm, she is completely different. I have my fair share of flaws as well, so perhaps I would be able to handle this if I was certain that her behavior is a result of different defense mechanisms.

[Redhead14]

Thanks for your input!

 

As you can imagine, not everything is bad. There are situations in which she is incredible caring. When I got the flu, she took care of me like no one except my mother has done before.

 

I think she's scared of not being needed. And when I'm weak, she feels needed. She was cheated on by her ex, so I suspect that she's afraid of ending up in a vulnerable position.

 

Things tend to get worse when she spends time with her family. She tries so hard to get their approval. If they say "So, when is the new kitchen ready?", she can't think of anything else. It's almost as if her life depended on it.

 

When she is calm, she is completely different. I have my fair share of flaws as well, so perhaps I would be able to handle this if I was certain that her behavior is a result of different defense mechanisms.

 

Stonewalling is an immature response to conflict. It is an unhealthy defense mechanism. It is disrespectful and detrimental to the foundation of a relationship. Inability to communicate effectively destroys a relationship. Trust and good communication skills are paramount in a relationship.

 

Her nurturing behavior and extreme need for validation from her parents suggests that she receives emotional validation from external sources rather than being rooted in her "nature".

 

While it appears that she likes to take care of you, it's really all about her. "look how well I take care of people".

 

I think you can expect that this relationship will actually be more about a parent/child relationship where you are doing all the work to maintain it.

[amaysngrace]

Silent treatment is psychological abuse.

 

How to Respond to Silent Treatment | LIVESTRONG.COM

[Kevin_D]

Stonewalling is an immature response to conflict. It is an unhealthy defense mechanism. It is disrespectful and detrimental to the foundation of a relationship. Inability to communicate effectively destroys a relationship. Trust and good communication skills are paramount in a relationship.

 

Her nurturing behavior and extreme need for validation from her parents suggests that she receives emotional validation from external sources rather than being rooted in her "nature".

 

While it appears that she likes to take care of you, it's really all about her. "look how well I take care of people".

 

I think you can expect that this relationship will actually be more about a parent/child relationship where you are doing all the work to maintain it.

 

Makes perfect sense.

 

I think one of my problems is that I'm too aware of my own shortcomings. After all, if she can put with my crap, I should put up with her crap, right? Because nobody is perfect.

 

Like I said, I got frustrated when she didn't pay any attention to me a party. Her friends could most likely see that I wasn't happy. That was immature of me. But I guess the difference is that I tried to communicate. I can handle her insecurities, but not mindgames.

[loveweary11]

Dump immediately.

 

People like this make horrible long term relationship material.

 

Get someone who is emotionally mature.

[Redhead14]

Makes perfect sense.

 

I think one of my problems is that I'm too aware of my own shortcomings. After all, if she can put with my crap, I should put up with her crap, right? Because nobody is perfect.

 

Like I said, I got frustrated when she didn't pay any attention to me a party. Her friends could most likely see that I wasn't happy. That was immature of me. But I guess the difference is that I tried to communicate. I can handle her insecurities, but not mindgames.

 

if she can put with my crap, I should put up with her crap, -- Partners in a relationship do not put up with each other's crap. They address the crap as it comes up. They discuss it, why it's a problem, what they need from the partner and then observe whether the partner makes the effort to resolve the issue. They don't just keep putting up with it. They have to create boundaries. Otherwise, they just do a dance that never ends. Like in her case, she stonewalls, you tell her it's a problem, she comes back like nothing ever happened and you let it go. Where's the consequence?

 

I can handle her insecurities -- You don't handle her insecurities. She needs to do that! Again, this is would be about you doing all the work.

[Redhead14]

if she can put with my crap, I should put up with her crap, -- This line of thinking is appropriate for "she likes to go antique shopping, so I'll do that once in a while for her". Not on issues that affect the foundation of a relationship -- communication and trust, parenting skills/views, financial responsibility, etc.

[RRM321]

It won't work.

Eventually, (who knows how many years later) you'll have had as much as you can take and you'll explode. Your anger won't be heard because she'll still be silent and walking away.

 

Then what?

[katiegrl]

IMO, you are both a bit crazy.

 

Her, for all the obvious reasons discussed, and you for tolerating it and continuing down this toxic and dysfunctional path with her.

 

Sorry.

[ilovemefirst]

She may be bipolar or has a mood disorder. My ex would recluse himself for weeks when he was in a bad mood, but that does not excuse what shes doing to you. I would think you should end it with her and gain back your self respect. You are enabling her to keep treating you this way, so she thinks you will never leave her. She has you wrapped around her finger my friend!

[angel.eyes]

Her baggage and dysfunction is not your problem. She either chooses to address it or not. Either way, there's no reason for you to turn into a doormat when you're mistreated.

 

I had a guy ignore me early on when we started to date. He was otherwise an amazing guy. Ignoring me negated all the positives. I just assumed we were broken up and moved on. By the time he contacted me two days later, I already had a date lined up with someone else and had zero interest in seeing him again.

 

Given his level of shock, I suspect he was used to women chasing after him and begging for forgiveness. Not my job to deal with that crap! On to the next.

 

Thanks for your input!

 

As you can imagine, not everything is bad. There are situations in which she is incredible caring. When I got the flu, she took care of me like no one except my mother has done before.

 

I think she's scared of not being needed. And when I'm weak, she feels needed. She was cheated on by her ex, so I suspect that she's afraid of ending up in a vulnerable position.

 

Things tend to get worse when she spends time with her family. She tries so hard to get their approval. If they say "So, when is the new kitchen ready?", she can't think of anything else. It's almost as if her life depended on it.

 

When she is calm, she is completely different. I have my fair share of flaws as well, so perhaps I would be able to handle this if I was certain that her behavior is a result of different defense mechanisms.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Don't play games. Life's too short. Walk away

 

And if she's walking off and ignoring you, that's probably something that works VERY well on her.

 

But don't play games

Edited February 29, 2016 by Randomlyrandomme

[Kevin_D]

Yeah, you're probably right. I guess my own insecurities make it harder for me to see these things clearly.

 

One thing that really annoys me, is that if I say something like:

 

"You know, it hurt when you said that you hated my new shirt."

 

Her response will most likely be:

 

"I can't believe we're fighting again! I work so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but it's obviously not enough for you!"

 

The thing is, several girls I've dated have done the exact same thing, so naturally, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing something wrong here. I know many guys claim that you should never tell your girlfriend that she hurt you. Instead you should focus on being a strong, independent man with a great social network, because women rarely hurt those men in the first place. But it seems a bit too cynical even to me, and kind of removes the point of a relationship in my opinion.

[Saracena]

How old are you two?

 

 

I actually believe your girlfriend *knows* exactly what she's doing. Who on earth would fail to understand why a partner would be unhappy at being left alone at a party while she talks to other guys? This deliberate behaviour and her subsequent reluctance to 'acknowledge' or discuss your (understandable) concerns is an effort to manipulate and control you. My guess is she's repeating learned behaviours she's experienced during her unbringing (that approval seeking you mention) or former relationships. In addition, I suspect there's also an element of pushing your boundaries, where she's actually testing how far she can go with you before you give up on her.

[angel.eyes]

The perfect girlfriend?:lmao:

 

Dysfunction has a way of attracting dysfunction. So if you're encountering the same issues with different girlfriends, then yes. Please take some time to examine your behavior and how you might be encouraging these types of interactions in your relationships.

 

Those interactions include her subtle but it seemingly constant threats to break up:

The silent treatment

"What I do is never enough" comments

Etc.

 

Yeah, you're probably right. I guess my own insecurities make it harder for me to see these things clearly.

 

One thing that really annoys me, is that if I say something like:

 

"You know, it hurt when you said that you hated my new shirt."

 

Her response will most likely be:

 

"I can't believe we're fighting again! I work so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but it's obviously not enough for you!"

 

The thing is, several girls I've dated have done the exact same thing, so naturally, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing something wrong here. I know many guys claim that you should never tell your girlfriend that she hurt you. Instead you should focus on being a strong, independent man with a great social network, because women rarely hurt those men in the first place. But it seems a bit too cynical even to me, and kind of removes the point of a relationship in my opinion.

[Kevin_D]

I'm 29 and she is 28. She is intelligent, educated and comes from a middle class family, so I don't think that young age is the problem... It's more like she's unable to feel a strong emotional connection on a deeper level. She feels loved when I do The things she wants me to do, such as taking the dishes... But she says that gifts are a waste of money unless it's something you really need. She doesn't care about the act of giving.

[Qboro90]

I'm 29 and she is 28. She is intelligent, educated and comes from a middle class family, so I don't think that young age is the problem... It's more like she's unable to feel a strong emotional connection on a deeper level. She feels loved when I do The things she wants me to do, such as taking the dishes... But she says that gifts are a waste of money unless it's something you really need. She doesn't care about the act of giving.

 

You're a pushover and too dependent on her emotional validation of you and the relationship to see the reality of the situation.

 

And the reality is that you have a ****ty gf who wouldn't be broken hearted if the relationship ended tomorrow at all.

I'm baffled anytime I see a guy post about his RS and include something about his gf talks, flirts, hangs out with other guys. And you're saying she does it right in front of your face.

You know why a girl would do that? Because she knows you're not gonna do anything. There's a word for it and it's between her legs btw.

 

Now if the first time you saw her flirting with a guy and pointing over at you or looking your way, you went up to them and said "hey what's up babe" looked at the guy and said "you should probably get the \_ away now" or just skipped talking and put him asleep then walked out then it would be the last time you'd have to deal with her showing your RS no respect.

 

Better yet, avoid fighting anyone over her mistakes. When you see that, you walk out an leave wherever you're at and force her to find her own way home. When she calls and calls and is yelling, you tell her you don't date girls who need ego boosts by flirting with other guys, in front of your face.. And especially won't drive home someone who does that crap

 

I'd say you have 1 last chance to establish yourself and the only way to do that is to flat out break up with her the next time there's an argument or she does something blatantly wrong and shows no remorse or care. Break up with her without a drawn out argument and discussion. "That's it. You're not the kind of girl I want to date anymore. It's over alright." "Nothing really you can say that's gonna make me feel like I won't be able to find anyone that can treat me better than you can. Later"

[Phoenician]

If her personality traits are like this then she will never change ; if you go into an Long time relationship , expect that she will use this in daily life ; in intimacy , in normal life , etc ...

 

I have been on this boat for a long time ...

 

she might be doing it because she is not self confident ; or manipulative ; but the outcome on you will be the same ; while you are angry , expressing normal your feelings no matter if you are right or wrong ; you will see her saying nothing !

 

The reason why they do it if not on purpose is their defense mechanism works in a way that anything they say during a conflict it will be used against them ; hence silence is more powerful.

 

 

Such people are very difficult to deal with ; most of PA ppl they respond to a question with a question ; they talk only if they feel that they will not be judged.

 

ask her to do something trivial but new to her , what happens ?

 

if you ask a question , The PA person responds with either another question or doesn't respond at all!

Edited February 29, 2016 by Phoenician

[Jabron1]

The thing is, several girls I've dated have done the exact same thing, so naturally, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing something wrong here.

 

Yeah, there is something you are doing wrong. You are not taking control of the relationships - you are probably entering these relationships with a wishywashy frame. She is playing up like an overly emotional child, and you need to be the authority.

 

I know many guys claim that you should never tell your girlfriend that she hurt you. Instead you should focus on being a strong, independent man with a great social network, because women rarely hurt those men in the first place.

 

I'm one of those guys; I'll tell you the same thing.

 

But it seems a bit too cynical even to me, and kind of removes the point of a relationship in my opinion.

 

I can relate to you on this. Sometimes I wonder what the point of a long term relationship is. The challenges are great; the rewards are negligible. And, going through them the way you are is just masochism.

 

My advice is to dump her, and enjoy being single for a period. Focus on improving yourself, exploring your options, and entering your next relationship from a position of strength.

[Arieswoman]

Kevin_D,

This behaviour that your g/f is exhibiting is not normal. On top of that she is rude and disrespectful.

 

I suspect she has some kind of a personality disorder but I am not qualified to suggest what it is.

 

Accept that she isn't going to change and move on to someone who is less hard work.

 

Good luck.