Gaeta Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Same here! Up until my current guy, I've never had to have the "official" talk. It just sort of happened where one day we both knew we were a officially a couple or something happened to indicate that we were. Reading through this forum though, it looks like making things official formally is something a lot of people do and need to define the relationship. I definitely understand why. Is it that new? I am 50 and as long as I can remember 'will you be my girlfriend' has existed. On a serious note, it's what dating has become. The dynamic is changing and we need to change with it. I had 2 long term relationship years ago and we never had 'the talk'. I spent the past 4 years doing online dating and you better have the talk otherwise it will bite you back in the butt pretty quickly. It is what it is. We can disagree and we can try to do things 'the old way' but it's not doing ourselves a favor. 1
adarna Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 (edited) Is it that new? I am 50 and as long as I can remember 'will you be my girlfriend' has existed. On a serious note, it's what dating has become. The dynamic is changing and we need to change with it. I had 2 long term relationship years ago and we never had 'the talk'. I spent the past 4 years doing online dating and you better have the talk otherwise it will bite you back in the butt pretty quickly. It is what it is. We can disagree and we can try to do things 'the old way' but it's not doing ourselves a favor. It's not that it's new, I think it's just a difference in dating experiences. Also I'm talking adult relationships. "Will you be my girlfriend" was definitely a thing growing up, but in my personal experience, until my current guy, it was never necessary. And I think only one or two of my girlfriends have actually had to have to have the talk, if you don't count high school and college years. I actually thought it was kind of odd that my guy now insists of making a big thing out of it at our age. This is different from the exclusivity talk, btw. Anyway, I totally agree! Especially with online dating, it's so important to know where you stand, which is what I've learned reading through this forum. Edited March 1, 2016 by adarna
Miss Peach Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted this on another thread but it took my friend's now-finance eight months to make it "official." I'm happy it worked out for them. I'm a big believer in people being a good match or not. Just because something doesn't work for me doesn't mean it won't work for someone else or they have to have the same boundaries. For me that wouldn't work so I would break it off with a guy who acted like your brother. The OP can do what she wants but for me 3-4 months would be my personal max. I figure a guy who is emotionally available and wants a relationship would know in that time frame whether it's worth taking the next step.
Miss Peach Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 I do like the anology. It helps me understand a little what is going through women's heads about this "official" thing. For me it's hard to understand the whole idea. I've never become "official" with anyone. It just happens. There are a lot of men out there who will be sexually exclusive but not official. They are still auditioning you for the part of girlfriend. Often these guys are still hunting or dating other women but just not having sex with anyone else. It's misleading IMO. That's why it's important to make sure you are on the same page about what these labels mean.
SwordofFlame Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Maybe OP hasn't shown him that she's girlfriend material. She hasn't said anything about what she's done for him.
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 (edited) I do like the anology. It helps me understand a little what is going through women's heads about this "official" thing. For me it's hard to understand the whole idea. I've never become "official" with anyone. It just happens. Some women. I've never needed to be "official" either. Like you said, it's just a natural progression and if one's instincts are keen, you just "know" that you're an exclusive couple -- I mean at least in my relationships, it's been rather obvious via the way we act and treat each other. Both of us..... and that attitude has worked very well for me (and him).... although in my last LTR, my boyfriend (fiancé) wanted to clarify with me (before we even embarked on our journey together) that I wasn't the type to multi-date, straight from the get go. That said, many women need that title and that is fine....for them. But frankly IMO it's a false security because even with the title, he OR the girl could meet someone else at any time, flake, ghost and break up. Edited March 1, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Is it that new? I am 50 and as long as I can remember 'will you be my girlfriend' has existed. On a serious note, it's what dating has become. The dynamic is changing and we need to change with it. I had 2 long term relationship years ago and we never had 'the talk'. I spent the past 4 years doing online dating and you better have the talk otherwise it will bite you back in the butt pretty quickly. It is what it is. We can disagree and we can try to do things 'the old way' but it's not doing ourselves a favor. But Gaeta, even if you do have "the talk".... he could still meet another girl...fade or ghost, end the RL....so could the woman....so what purpose does it serve really? He (or she) could also lie and agree to put the title on it....having no intention of wanting a LTR.
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 I'm happy it worked out for them. I'm a big believer in people being a good match or not. Just because something doesn't work for me doesn't mean it won't work for someone else or they have to have the same boundaries. For me that wouldn't work so I would break it off with a guy who acted like your brother. The OP can do what she wants but for me 3-4 months would be my personal max. I figure a guy who is emotionally available and wants a relationship would know in that time frame whether it's worth taking the next step. Oh I hear ya.... I have another friend who would end things with a man who didn't propose marriage within the year. Her max was one year and if he didn't propose - it was NEXT. Her goal was marriage and she didn't mess around. One year -- or next. I didn't agree but actually respected her for knowing what she wanted and sticking to it. She eventually found the right guy who DID propose after one year so it all worked out for her too!
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 But Gaeta, even if you do have "the talk".... he could still meet another girl...fade or ghost, end the RL....so could the woman....so what purpose does it serve really? He (or she) could also lie and agree to put the title on it....having no intention of wanting a LTR. It's not about a security or guarantee, even marriage is not a guarantee. . Of course life can happen and he can meet someone else at work for example, or he decides to continue his life across the continent, we can't control that. Confirming the title of a relationship is about confirming we are both working toward a common goal. The rest is out of everyone's hands. 1
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Oh I hear ya.... I have another friend who would end things with a man who didn't propose marriage within the year. Her max was one year and if he didn't propose - it was NEXT. Her goal was marriage and she didn't mess around. One year -- or next. I didn't agree but actually respected her for knowing what she wanted and sticking to it. She eventually found the right guy who DID propose after one year so it all worked out for her too! Good for her ! She knew exactly what she wanted and went for it. If she had waited on guy # 1 or # 2 maybe she'd still be waiting. 1
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Good for her ! She knew exactly what she wanted and went for it. If she had waited on guy # 1 or # 2 maybe she'd still be waiting. Yup... as I said, gotta have a lot of respect for her for that! Although hard to say if she'd still be waiting for guy 1 or 2...they may have married her eventually....but then again maybe not. She didn't want to chance it.
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 It's not about a security or guarantee, even marriage is not a guarantee. . Of course life can happen and he can meet someone else at work for example, or he decides to continue his life across the continent, we can't control that. Confirming the title of a relationship is about confirming we are both working toward a common goal. The rest is out of everyone's hands. That makes sense too!
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