yxalitis Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 What if you find two people you both really like for different reasons, and can't decide... I don't think ANYONE would disagree that the first 2-3 dates are fine, but at some point after that you have to draw a line...make a decision. Right now I'm dating one woman, 46 yo Chinese lady, who is beautiful, funny, affectionate, lovely to be with. The first date was awesome, we started with a simple wine date, but she was clearly a little uncomfortable, her shyness due to uncertainty at speaking English. I moved closer to her and we shared photos on our phones and talked about them, this set her at ease and after no time she was chatting happily about all sorts of things, after the wine she suggested we just go for a walk, and we did so for a half hour, then sat in my car and listened to music. After that she was definitely interested, her texting and communications ramped up, she complimented me several times, shared a bunch of her photos, etc. For the second date, I took her out for a seafood dinner, which was great, then drove to a quiet place to talk more, I had told her jokingly that I would kiss her on this date, and when I leaned over, she stuck a mint she had into my mouth and giggled. She teased kissing me a few more times, turning her head away at the last minute…(No, not in abhorrent disgust, she was smiling and laughing about it) Finally I took her home, and in the shadow of her doorway she launched at me with amazingly passionate kissing, we kissed like this for ages, we tried to stop a few times, but ended up starting again. The third date I suggested a dinner, she suggested a walk, then I decided why not a night picnic (Daylight savings does have some useful advantages I guess). She made the dinner, we first went to a park, and walked around a bit, She insisted on taking lots of photos of us together. We sat down on a blanket, and ate, then kissed some more. She demonstrated that she could put her leg straight up behind her head…apparently a former dancer…that gets the imagination going, let me tell you! She clung to me, legs and arms wrapped around me, and whispered in my ear “I can be naught too!” Then I drove us to the beach, set up one of those little beach houses. Inside we set up the blanket, and I pouted us some champagne. This was the most romantic date she had been on she told me, and of course we kissed a lot more. However, I have already planned a date with another woman on the next night, Saturday. This lady is 41, has excellent English, and a bright, intelligent, funny, charming person. Her profile had no photo, and she specifically said “Don’t ask for one” We texted, and had talked on the phone: She had a couple of questions she wanted to ask before we proceeded…not that unusual, but I prefer the “weeding out” process happen a little more subtly than: “I just want to ask you a couple of things” Anyway, first was what do I think is the most important thing in a relationship, I answered (honestly): conversation. (I obviously expanded on that at length, I’m not going to dump a verbose word for word dialogue here). Then she asked: “So when in a relationship do you think you should: “Take it to the next level…” I answered that this was a complex question. It’s not what I want, but what we progress towards, what happens as we grow together naturally. (Again, my honest opinion). She literally answered: “Bingo” and laughed, telling me how that’s exactly what she thinks too. So (having passed, I guess) we talked…and now that she had this out of the way, we actually connected really well, chatting for over an hour (you know when time just goes past, and you don’t even realise, especially considering I was bone tired, and this was quite late). So our date was set for the Saturday. We met for a drink at a quite bar, and as she pulled up I could see, as I had guessed, she was classic Chinese beauty, amazing really. Let me tell you, we hit it off, she was lightly touching me, fully involved with me. When we finished our wine, I said that this was the first date, we have an opportunity to say good night, or continue the evening with something else. I was basically giving her an out. She looked at me and said “Let’s go have fun” I took her bowling, as she indicated she liked that, and we had a great time. She hugged me when she got a strike, which is a great sign from her, as you will see. She has been 16 years without a partner, focusing on raising her two children to adulthood, Eldest child is at uni now. And THEY sat her down one day, and told her “Mum, you have been a wonderful mother, but we won’t be here forever, we think you need to find a boyfriend.” She was tearing up as she said this…and I was pretty damn impressed with her children, and how they reflected her as a person. But it also pointed out another factor, this whole dating game, and going out with a man, and how that progresses, is all a little foreign to her. Unlike the first lady, this is going to be a long game. She told me that she’s not comfortable with as much touching as I’m used to (I’m a very tactile person). This is why that cuddle was so nice. She had dated one guy, but he was “an awful person” and she dumped him after 9 months. Yes, 9 months. Get to that later. She did say that when she’s dating, maybe one date a week or fortnight is OK…I didn’t answer, but I think that’s a little light on The next day, she texted me, and asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with her (we both power walk for exercise) I readily agreed, and so another few hours passed as we walked, talked, and got to know each other. She showed me that she can do the splits, former dancer apparently…yes, another one… We discovered we share the exact same birthday, and that really hit home to her, we even joked about a joint birthday party (few months off yet). We also talked about dancing, as I really want to learn, and we agreed that we will go Salsa dancing in the city (Free beginner lessons). I had also arranged a dinner date for the Friday…so that’s 4 dates in about a week… As we got back to my car (I had driven to her house and parked), she came up and gave me a big cuddle. Wow, that’s a lot of text, sorry guys… So here’s the problem… Both of these woman are wonderful, and offer different, but wonderful possibilities. My feeling is that the second lady is more compatible, certainly no problems with her English (She’s been here 20 years), and is very intelligent (Construction project manager), but her inexperience at dating means a long haul to win her heart. The other lady is more fun, easy going, English not as good, but can certainly talk… I want to keep seeing both…but I don’t want to end up getting stuck between two woman… Umm…help?
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 Both of these woman are wonderful, and offer different, but wonderful possibilities. My feeling is that the second lady is more compatible, certainly no problems with her English (She’s been here 20 years), and is very intelligent (Construction project manager), but her inexperience at dating means a long haul to win her heart. The other lady is more fun, easy going, English not as good, but can certainly talk… I want to keep seeing both…but I don’t want to end up getting stuck between two woman… Umm…help? Well ... obviously Chinese Lady #2 is not interested in anything casual or else she would not be setting such firm boundaries. I don't think it would be ethical for you to juggle her when you already know that about her. Unless you want to commit to dating her and seeing where it goes I would just stick with the easier one. How do you get the Chinese Ladies to demonstrate their gymnastic abilities when you've just gone out once or twice? I mean ... most girls aren't doing the splits or putting our legs behind our heads in early dating, that I know of. You must be doing something special to get this reaction from them?? :confused: 2
Author yxalitis Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Well ... obviously Chinese Lady #2 is not interested in anything casual or else she would not be setting such firm boundaries. I don't think it would be ethical for you to juggle her when you already know that about her. Unless you want to commit to dating her and seeing where it goes I would just stick with the easier one. How do you get the Chinese Ladies to demonstrate their gymnastic abilities when you've just gone out once or twice? I mean ... most girls aren't doing the splits or putting our legs behind our heads in early dating, that I know of. You must be doing something special to get this reaction from them?? :confused: Maybe because that's EXACTLY what happened. The first lady did so after our night dinner, she just pulled her leg up to impress me. The second was more inline with what we were doing, stretching after exercise...she was still showing off though! As to which one...choosing the easier one (certainly sex will be on the cards much sooner) is where I always go, and it hasn't worked out for me... Shouldn't I go for the one I have a deeper connection with, that isn't all easy, sexy fun??
katiegrl Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Maybe because that's EXACTLY what happened. The first lady did so after our night dinner, she just pulled her leg up to impress me. The second was more inline with what we were doing, stretching after exercise...she was still showing off though! As to which one...choosing the easier one (certainly sex will be on the cards much sooner) is where I always go, and it hasn't worked out for me... **Shouldn't I go for the one I have a deeper connection with, that isn't all easy, sexy fun??** ^^Sure, but are you willing to stop dating #1 ...in order to focus solely on #2? To see where it will lead? Anything other than that, would not be fair to her (#2). 3
smackie9 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 The longer you wait, the more likely you will end up with 0. 4
Author yxalitis Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) The longer you wait, the more likely you will end up with 0. Which is exactly my point, and why I posted this thread. I'll be okay for a few days more, I'm seeing #1 on Tuesday (not sure what we're doing yet), and #2 on Friday for a romantic dinner. I might also be going dancing with #2 on Wednesday, but she's yet to confirm. I think by this weekend I'll know where i'm going... BUT I'd hate to stop seeing #1, only to have #2 pull the old "just friends" line...! If the Friday dinner goes well, I really want to seal the deal with a kiss, that's not to much to ask..is it, just a kiss? That's my fear, I'll focus on #2, but as I am so much further down the road with #1, I don't know if #2 is going to get there too. Maybe I'll just stick to masturbation and video games...*sigh Since #2 is so direct, I think as the dinner winds up, I'll simply go for a kiss, and if she refuses, talk about that with her... Edited February 29, 2016 by yxalitis
UltimatePanacea Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Oh Gosh...multiple dating is what made my current relationship die. I also thought "keeping my options open" was a smarter way of dating, but let me tell you something, eventually you will have to make up your mind or you'll get caught then it gets ugly. If you're not ready to be monogamous then just let them know you're still playing the field, but if the goal is so build a relationship then date only one then if it doesn't work move on to the next. That's what I am going to do in the future, no more dating "rotation", honestly it doesn't keep your options open it gives you dating ADD and doesn't let you focus on anyone. And no, do not sleep with them either as you are exposing yourself to STDs... 4
Redhead14 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Oh Gosh...multiple dating is what made my current relationship die. I also thought "keeping my options open" was a smarter way of dating, but let me tell you something, eventually you will have to make up your mind or you'll get caught then it gets ugly. If you're not ready to be monogamous then just let them know you're still playing the field, but if the goal is so build a relationship then date only one then if it doesn't work move on to the next. That's what I am going to do in the future, no more dating "rotation", honestly it doesn't keep your options open it gives you dating ADD and doesn't let you focus on anyone. And no, do not sleep with them either as you are exposing yourself to STDs... Ultimate, you were in an exclusive relationship and opted to have sex with another person without talking to the current partner and ending it. You were not "multi-dating". Go to your thread about your situation and read the posts that distinguish your situation from this one. Multi-dating is about dating several people at the same time, preferably without intimacy, while being upfront and honest about that fact. You have a lot of work to do . . . 7
Author yxalitis Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Ultimate, you were in an exclusive relationship and opted to have sex with another person without talking to the current partner and ending it. You were not "multi-dating". Go to your thread about your situation and read the posts that distinguish your situation from this one. Multi-dating is about dating several people at the same time, preferably without intimacy, while being upfront and honest about that fact. You have a lot of work to do . . . Yes, this is a totally different ball game. I've dated one girl 3 times, we have been pretty hot and heavy, but no sex. She does really like me though... the other is two dates, she is much more reserved, and I don't have any assurances yet that she is going to end up seriously dating me. HOWEVER...I really do prefer her... This is why I'll continue to date both just this week, see what happens. I'm not sure what I'll do if hot and heavy starts to head towards 'The next level" before I've determined what #2 is feeling... Hence my dilemma...
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Well ... personally, I would be the type who would concentrate on one person at a time to see where things might go, IF I liked them enough and felt that there were possibilities. It's not fair to use a person as a placeholder. 4
Author yxalitis Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Well ... personally, I would be the type who would concentrate on one person at a time to see where things might go, IF I liked them enough and felt that there were possibilities. It's not fair to use a person as a placeholder. Yes, but it's too early to tell which one. I think they BOTH have possibilities...and whilst I prefer #2 now, that may/will/could change as I get to know them better... Aauuugh!
AMJ Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I think you can keep them both in the roster for awhile longer? At least another two weeks probably? You don't really need to choose until you sleep with someone, imo. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I think you can keep them both in the roster for awhile longer? At least another two weeks probably? You don't really need to choose until you sleep with someone, imo. Don't you think that might be backwards? I hope he'll choose BEFORE he sleeps with someone. I guess I'm old fashioned, though, since I've recently learned here on LoveShack that a lot of guys insist on sleeping with a girl BEFORE deciding whether they want to have a relationship with her or not. I mean, assuming she wants to, which is a big assumption! 2
road Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Date the one you want the most. Not the one that is the easiest to have sex with. Unless that person is both. 2
central Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) I agree with road. Unless you can tell them both that you really like them but aren't ready to be exclusive until you know them better and can decide if there is long-term compatibility, so they have a say in what happens next. I've done that, and in the several situations where I have, I ended up dating two women for a longer period of time. They were both aware that I'm dating someone else, and were okay with that. In one of those scenarios, the first became a long term relationship (aka "wife"), and the second became a long term FWB. Both were fully aware of this and okay with it. They met and know each other and are good friends - and still are 15 years later. In my experience - and from my ethical perspective - when it goes beyond a few dates, it's time to disclose that you're dating others if you can't make a decision to end things with one. Honesty is best, and while they may not like what you have to say, they should be glad you're honest - and that is important for any future you have with them. Or, rather than it being a problem, it's an opportunity. Edited February 29, 2016 by central
Shining One Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Don't you think that might be backwards? I hope he'll choose BEFORE he sleeps with someone.This wouldn't make much sense. What happens if he chooses incorrectly and the one he chooses gives him the "just friends" line. He will have burned the bridge with the other woman for nothing. While I haven't been in this specific situation while multi-dating, I always cut ties with the other women once I've slept with one of them.
central Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 This wouldn't make much sense. What happens if he chooses incorrectly and the one he chooses gives him the "just friends" line. He will have burned the bridge with the other woman for nothing. While I haven't been in this specific situation while multi-dating, I always cut ties with the other women once I've slept with one of them. I agree. But sometimes (rare, but it happens) the one I sleep with has been very incompatible sexually, so she'll be the one I cut ties with, and then I can focus on the other.
Shining One Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I agree. But sometimes (rare, but it happens) the one I sleep with has been very incompatible sexually, so she'll be the one I cut ties with, and then I can focus on the other.That makes sense. I haven't had that specific situation happen, but I would likely do the same as you.
Author yxalitis Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 I agree. But sometimes (rare, but it happens) the one I sleep with has been very incompatible sexually, so she'll be the one I cut ties with, and then I can focus on the other. This is my thinking too, sex is very important to me. You simply cannot tell what someone is like in bed based on any of their personal attributes, I've had porn star experiences from girls I thought would be precious and insecure, and awful sex from open and forward woman. UPDATE: So we have: 'G' #1, older not good English, fun and easy. Lots of passionate kissing 'J' #2, better looking, better fitness levels, much better English, but more reserved, no kiss yet, may not for a while. Inexperienced at dating. So I planned to take "G" to the movies tonight when 'J' contacted me. She asked if I was available to help her with her work...tonight. Then it went weird. Basically she was training her ex bf to assist her, and had his number on contact forms as well as hers. She has an inspection tonight, and the owners had contacted him first. She wants me there to pretend to be an inspector because she is afraid he'll turn up anyway...and she's not comfortable with that. All right, all cards on the deck, "J"'s ex bf was a nightmare. for 9 months she tolerated all sorts of crap. He lied about his age (11 years!), height, and ethnicity (He said European, but he is Middle Eastern). He was selfish, rude to her children, and basically an ungrateful slob. She broke up with him, after trying to make tings work with him, despite his obvious short comings. I must be like a shining light of purity compared to this guy. Anyway, I'd normally expect someone to have the maturity to handle this situation by themselves...however.... I'm giving Jo the credit here. she's not terribly experienced with dating, and thus relationship breakups. She asked me to help her, if I refuse, I basically not supporting her even at this early stage. By going along, I feel I can show her how a good man helps his partner... Furthermore, when she asked, I did not think that cancelling with "G" was impossible, in fact I pretty much jumped at the chance to see "J" again. So I'll go tonight, and if we have time, I'll take her to the movie instead. Then tomorrow "J" and I have Salsa dancing. Friday is our big romantic dinner date... That's 5 nights in a week! If things haven't gotten to passionate kissing by the end of that, I'll be moving on.
DrewM68 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 The longer you wait, the more likely you will end up with 0. Agree. Verbatum
Jabron1 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I would not be going out of my way to help a girl that I haven't even kissed yet - it wouldn't matter what sob story she told me. Sorry, mate - but it goes against all of my experience and judgement. I would just tell her that I'm busy. And why haven't you kissed her in these 4 dates? That's madness. How many attempts have you made, and in what manner have you made them? This is getting dangerously close to friendzone/orbiter territory. Just be a bit wary. 1
Author yxalitis Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 The longer you wait, the more likely you will end up with 0. Agree. Verbatum How, they don't know each other, and aren't going to bump into me with the other. I'm just dating them, not living together.
Author yxalitis Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 Threesome? With two woman who can do the splits...the mind boggles!
Author yxalitis Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 Thinking more about things... J and I have talked and texted a lot. During this time she mentioned her ex bf a few times, and also that dating is "once a week or fortnight" thing. "that's plenty" Yet, one day after our first date, she asks me to go walking with her...and honestly that was a great day...we chatted for hours, although she did go on about her ex again... The thing is, I was getting the feeling she was using me as a friend, not as a future partner...(although we did talk that not all dates need to be romantic, we should be friends too). She did hug me after too. We also agreed on a diner date, AND dancing, all in the same week, both of these are "romantic" activities. Now she's asked me to help again in a non-dating, non romantic setting. Again, more like a friend... I will go, but I hope I'm not being friend-zoned here...
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