privategal Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I found this posting today clearly from a mm who I presume is writing to an ow... I know I felt really used and discarded when my EA ended. Its taken forever to get over but I do so well now. I see SO much of the old me and genuine smiles back. This post gave perspective on where I believe many AP's are at when they end A. I hope it sheds some light for some. Here is what an internet poster wrote: We built an intense friendship coupled with sexual desire, fantasy, and playfulness. The latter were ill-kept secrets but all of it was vivid and vibrant. The intensity was impossible to keep up given the circumstances. You left first and I left second, each partially out of necessity and partially out of self advancement. On my part, it's not that I wanted to leave it all behind or forget, but rather that I have not been able to untether the friend from the desire and fantasy that you also embody. The reality for me is that my situation is not changing nor do I want it to. Common consensus is one should not be able to have their cake and eat it too. The selfishness of me says why not, but the realist knows it's a path to destruction or hurt. I miss our friendship, but I also miss the desire, your taste, and the pictures you would tease me with. I don't know if those can or should be disconnected. Should they be? You still visit my dreams and fantasies. I still wonder how you are doing. I just don't want to use you. You're worth more than someone doing that to you. I pulled away for that reason. I don't have all the solutions and apologize for any confusion or discomfort in regards to me. My self discipline comes more from respect of you and all elements of the situation rather than my lack of care, interest, or desire. I miss it all, the friendship and all the ways we worshipped eachother. 2
lftbehind Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I found this posting today clearly from a mm who I presume is writing to an ow... I know I felt really used and discarded when my EA ended. Its taken forever to get over but I do so well now. I see SO much of the old me and genuine smiles back. This post gave perspective on where I believe many AP's are at when they end A. I hope it sheds some light for some. Here is what an internet poster wrote: We built an intense friendship coupled with sexual desire, fantasy, and playfulness. The latter were ill-kept secrets but all of it was vivid and vibrant. The intensity was impossible to keep up given the circumstances. You left first and I left second, each partially out of necessity and partially out of self advancement. On my part, it's not that I wanted to leave it all behind or forget, but rather that I have not been able to untether the friend from the desire and fantasy that you also embody. The reality for me is that my situation is not changing nor do I want it to. Common consensus is one should not be able to have their cake and eat it too. The selfishness of me says why not, but the realist knows it's a path to destruction or hurt. I miss our friendship, but I also miss the desire, your taste, and the pictures you would tease me with. I don't know if those can or should be disconnected. Should they be? You still visit my dreams and fantasies. I still wonder how you are doing. I just don't want to use you. You're worth more than someone doing that to you. I pulled away for that reason. I don't have all the solutions and apologize for any confusion or discomfort in regards to me. My self discipline comes more from respect of you and all elements of the situation rather than my lack of care, interest, or desire. I miss it all, the friendship and all the ways we worshipped eachother. It just sounds like a wordy and and a supposably eloquent way to dump the OW. I would rather just have them tell me it's over, without all the verbiage. 2
Author privategal Posted February 28, 2016 Author Posted February 28, 2016 It was at least good insight that it wasnt "cut off" like a bandaid. I was shocked by the part "I didn't want to use you" instead of "I didnt want to LOSE you" The insight was sad and eye opening. 2
MJJean Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I love how he says "I didn't want to use you." as if he hadn't been using her the whole time. 2
Author privategal Posted February 28, 2016 Author Posted February 28, 2016 I love how he says "I didn't want to use you." as if he hadn't been using her the whole time. Thats exactly the point, his admission meant, at least to me, I did have 'some' feelings but I was using you and didnt want to do that. In my ea we had many breakups...at one point I was ghosted and went ballistic...I believe the last time he came back under the false dance of friendship we did, was due to the guilt of dissappearing. Hard to make a clean break when you know your actions were cowardly and cutting. I think this poster ghosted his ow and wrote this to make excuses and soften the blow to not look like the bad guy. The old...yes I hurt you but it was for your own good. 1
lftbehind Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 It was at least good insight that it wasnt "cut off" like a bandaid. I was shocked by the part "I didn't want to use you" instead of "I didnt want to LOSE you" The insight was sad and eye opening. That's good that it made you feel better and I was just saying that it would make me feel bad. I would feel like it's just BS from my MM. I feel sort of cut off already and just saying it's over would be okay with me.
Author privategal Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) It didnt make me feel better, it was sad. Its just...for so long after it ended I felt horribly confused and cut off too. It was crazy making wondering where his head was. Whenever theres insight directly from a male granting transparency into his thoughts, it gives insight. I am more than sure I was used when he was lonely, stressed, not feeling wanted...he would seek me out. Either way I hoped this would help someone here to get some insight. Edited February 29, 2016 by privategal
ShatteredLady Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I know on forums there are phrases like "Cheaters script", "Rewriting marital history", "Trickle Truth" etc. I do see many similarities between the vast array of 'stories' posted but I still believe that we are all so very different, people, lives, pasts, psychology....Know what I mean? This is a letter. The words have been strategically chosen to create the desired effect AND it's a different affair between different people in different circumstances. Some BS's help write the break-up letter. I just don't know what it can really tell. I know it's crazy making living with so much hurt & so many questions. Affairs are devastating for the OW & BS's self esteem & sanity!! I think accepting that we will never completely & utterly know what another is feeling & thinking is part of healing... ....& growing-up for me! I was a hapless romantic who believed that I knew my partner inside & out. We were 2 halves of the same. We were one. We shared everything. Yep!! All that bollocks!!! D-day taught me that you may know someone in a moment, who they are in that moment but next week they could explode your whole world & show you a side of themselves that shocks even them. I hope that makes sense 1
Author privategal Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Thank you shattered lady. This is my 100th time going through the healing process. When our EA ended he pulled me into the friendship 'game'. That ended too and that is what Im healing from now. The loss of the friendship. In our seperate lives we both have all the love we need. We dont need to love eachother. The friendship couldnt work either so its a hard pillto swallow that we will be nothing to the other ever again. I feel it. Feel this time is final. I ended it this time but it took me a month to truly end it and go NC. I think I knew it would be the final end and its hard to become strangers. I hate the feeling and I cannot understand why I was abandoned as a friend so many times. Thats the thing that left me no choice but to break off the friendship before I was ever dumped as a friend again. NC hurts and the healing process is such an emotional roller coaster. Ive done better than ever this time though. I finally started to smile again and its weird. I believe Ive hit a plateau to healing at the moment. I want another leap. I cant wait for days and days to pass without thinking of this at ALL. I loved your story.
ShatteredLady Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Quote- " I finally started to smile again and its weird." ....& then laugh out loud!! It's a bit startling the first time it happens but the sound is pleasantly familiar! Best of luck
Author privategal Posted February 29, 2016 Author Posted February 29, 2016 Quote- " I finally started to smile again and its weird." ....& then laugh out loud!! It's a bit startling the first time it happens but the sound is pleasantly familiar! Best of luck Thats awesome! Im going to keep going. I cant forsee myself ever reaching out to him again for any reason and thats a big deal to say considering the entire friendship was 15 years. I never dreamed Id see the day I could part ways with it.
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