GF having pictures of her kids everywhere

[EatYourVeggies]

There is never a time in a developing or established relationship when communication isn't acceptable.

 

It's how, why, what you communicate that's important.

 

We will have to agree to disagree.

 

Way I see it when I just starting dating someone the only thing I feel I owe them... Is showing them a good time. I don't have an obligation to share every thought, emotion, feeling I have. On top of that, I also know that my feelings, emotions, thoughts aren't always even true / facts. Especially when I just first met someone who I am dating. So there is absolutely nothing to gained by sharing them other than making me look like I'm needy, insecure, pathetic loser or an axe murderer and probably pissing them off.

 

I have no outcome in mind and open to a million possibilities so I do not treat people or dating as some sort of mission with a short term dead line.

 

He isn't going to criticize her or ask her to change. He doesn't know if anything should be changed. He can say something like "I've noticed that your children are your priority and I admire that. I am looking for a long-term committed relationship for myself and I've never had children. How would a partner fit into your life and the lives of your children?

 

This is the absolute worst thing a guy could possible say to a woman he just started dating and that is taking the kids part off the table. I would seriously slap a friend of mine in the face to get his attention if he told me he was going to say anything close to that early on with some woman he just met.

 

It's not even dating. It's making all kinds of assumptions about the other person and puts them in a defensive position where they are asked to basically justify something to you that you have no right to even be asking for at that time. Really, where is this going and if you don't do X,Y and Z I'm outta here on a first, second, third date?!?!?!

 

Plus it's applying instant PRESSURE for absolutely no reason where you can't even be certain if whatever you are told is even the truth. It's really an interrogation at that point where all you are going on is what they say cause you haven't even given it / them the opportunity to show you who / what they are (which is really what is the fun part and what matters).

 

As for wondering if this is "normal", no one can say it isn't. The definition of normal is anything that doesn't cause/create dysfunction/disruption in a person's life.

 

I really don't care what other people think is normal / acceptable. I have my own little quirks, pet peeves, guilty pleasures and I have many things where I know what that I like and don't like, etc. that is a big part of who / what makes me unique.

 

It's also what I love and appreciate about the people I have had the good fortune of being in long term relationships with. Together all of those likes / dislikes, quirks, guilty pleasures, pet peeves, etc. meshed and it never felt like a job, twisting ourselves into pretzels and I don't think we ever had a single discussion aside from kidding each other and making light of them. It was just smooth, normal, natural and right... from the very start. If it doesn't work like that out of the gate, I'm more than happy and willing to bail. I have tried the other way a few times, didn't like it a single bit and have more than enough evidence to know it doesn't work for me.

 

Your experiences may vary.

Edited February 28, 2016 by EatYourVeggies

[Popsicle]

She just doesn't dote on you enough. Kids or not, you have to make your SO feel important to you.

[Lady2163]

I am dating a single mother my age. Her kids are 4 and 7.

 

Her apartment is filled with pictures of her kids.

 

Baby pictures, newborn pictures, school pictures (these understand).

 

But I mean they are everywhere. In the kitchen, in living room, in bed room, in the hallway, as her background picture in her phone, in her bank card, on her mouse pad...Even her computer password is her kids name

 

I understand you love your kids. But when I was a kid my mother did not have the whole apartment covered with our pictures.

 

It feels like she has nothing else in her life. I have never encountered anything like this.

 

I need help with this.

 

Of course it IS completely acceptable to come to an Internet forum and make comparisons to your mother and how you were raised.

 

But be very cautious about doing it in real life. Even with your friends. You might make this comment to your friend Joe, who tells his girlfriend Gina, who knows the woman you're dating and then you're toast! Them's fighting words.

 

Things have changed in the last 25 years when it comes to the ease of pictures. I can tell you back in 1998 a friend was having a baby, I went to the hospital to sit with her. 8 members of her family were there, along with her husband. I was the only one who brought a camera and four rolls of film.

 

I'm even much older. Between my birth and age 10, there might be 50 pictures of me. Cameras appeared at birthdays, Christmas and Halloween. Even then it was probably only ONE camera.

 

Now, when it comes to real life, never start a sentence or discussion, "Well, my mother..." Erase those words from your thought process. A better start might be, "In my family..." Even better, if you can, eliminate your family and just say, "I prefer to use Crest toothpaste." Of course, that doesn't work in this situation, I'm just giving you some advice for the future.

 

You have to decide what kind of man you're going to be. Are you one who can see yourself being happy being a stepfather? If you know you're not, then don't bother dating women with kids. I'm not interested in raising another women's children, so I do steer away from men who have kids. Even if they are part time fathers, this is something that is for life. I mentioned in another post a friend of mine married a man with grown children. One of them at age 30 got divorced and moved in to their house with a child in tow. My friend was not happy and they stayed way longer than they needed to financially.

 

Parents - and I think often, single parents have a huge debate. This is a hot topic. What is your first priority? Many on here will say, "My children come first. Period. End of story." That is all well and good, but people my age who put the kids first are slowly getting divorced. They aren't the same people in their mid 40s they were in their mid 20s and their spouse just isn't what they want. My own theory is that two much time was spent looking at spouse as a good mother or a good father and not as a good, cherished marriage partner. By putting the kids first, they really didn't put the energy into having the relationship grow and flourish.

 

Personally, (if you're able to have kids) I don't think you should date someone you wouldn't marry. It may take some time to determine this isn't the person for you.

 

You are simply dating this woman. This is the time for you to determine if she is going to put her kids before you in the long run. Does she expect you to put her kids first if things were long term? Is that what you want? Being a step parent can be very rewarding, BUT it can also be incredibly soul sucking and destroying.

 

Now, she may have a friend who is a photographer, or her mother may go overboard whenever pictures are taken and there are just all these fantastic options. It is so easy nowadays to have a mousepad, t-shirt, coffee mug with the children's photo on it. And they make great, easy gifts.

 

If money is an issue, this may be all she has to decorate with.

 

Good luck!

[Buddhist]

I am dating a single mother my age.

Her apartment is filled with pictures of her kids.

 

I need help with this.

 

Need help with what? Understanding that you will not be her sole focus should you enter her life? Understanding that she's chosen to focus heavily on two people which are important to her?

 

Or did you just want to judge her as a way to flake out on any possible relationship? You probably don't need our help with that, you can manage it all on your own.

[LydiaLong]

Clearly she's obsessed with her kids. You can't change that. Deal with it or move on.

[strawberryshortstack]

We will have to agree to disagree.

 

Way I see it when I just starting dating someone the only thing I feel I owe them... Is showing them a good time. I don't have an obligation to share every thought, emotion, feeling I have. On top of that, I also know that my feelings, emotions, thoughts aren't always even true / facts. Especially when I just first met someone who I am dating. So there is absolutely nothing to gained by sharing them other than making me look like I'm needy, insecure, pathetic loser or an axe murderer and probably pissing them off.

 

 

Communication does not mean the same thing as "sharing every thought, emotion, feeling"

 

It means - when something is important, it is discussed. It means that if you have a question about why the person you're dating did something, you ask them - not a group of strangers or non-strangers who aren't involved.

[EatYourVeggies]

It means - when something is important, it is discussed. It means that if you have a question about why the person you're dating did something, you ask them - not a group of strangers or non-strangers who aren't involved.

 

I'm not discussing crap about what I think with someone I just met. They arent privy to what questions, thoughts or feelings I might have which can be positive or negative.

 

I am still taking it all in and trying to see if we are a good fit or not.

 

Example

 

Honey, why does your cell phone go off all hours of the night?

 

Not happening. I don't care why, none of my business and I honestly don't want to know the answer. If a girl continues to let that happen after the first few dates, I am going to bow out and have zero desire to explain why or get involved in who / whatever drama she has going on. So communicating that gets me right into the very thing I am trying to avoid. No to mention, I would feel like a total loser asking someone that within a few dates.

 

Here are just a sample of some other things I would never need to communicate / discuss...

 

Why do you have so many guy friends?

 

Why do you are your friends with lots of Exes?

 

Why do you invest so much time in Social Media?

 

Why do you hang out with such Friends with loose morals?

[Maggie4]

Oh! Oh! i know! Have a picture of her kids framed and give it to her for a birthday present. That's got to be a hit.

[ses]

I never seriously dated anyone with children because I didn't want to be a mother. I've had a few single dads interested in me, and I never pursued it because we're just incompatible. Dating a single parent should be for the long-term, especially if you plan on being introduced to them. Children usually come as a packaged deal, and if that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should date someone childless or willing to have children in the future.

 

Her children might always have been a priority, so I don't think it's fair for you to ask her to remove pictures of them in her house. If it's too much for you then you should end the relationship and move on.

[Sunlight72]

I am dating a single mother my age. Her kids are 4 and 7.

 

Her apartment is filled with pictures of her kids.

 

I need help with this.

In a way, it is as simple as it seems.

 

You are dating the leader of the pod of Family Smitsky. They (all three) are one unit. It is her permanent, most important job, and her children are likely to be part of the team you are dating.

 

I dated one single mother, for about 4 years. She is fantastic We are a great match Ultimately, I am not a good match for both her sons. One yes, one no. That means we're no longer together.

 

I'm very happy for the 4 years we had, and sad not to be together now.

 

You're not just dating a woman, you are dating a woman and her two children. Like everything in life, it's 'good' and 'bad' all rolled together.

 

All of her decisions, and most of her time is not "hers". It is "theirs". Over time, you'll be invited to join in with the pod more and more, and hopefully that is fun and rewarding for you

 

This is my impression from my experience - my ex girlfriend also has photos of her boys everywhere, and they truly are the center of most hours of most days of her life.

 

If you continue this relationship, here is a tip for your future - when you want to do something nice for her, do something nice for or something nice with her children. It will mean a lot to her

 

However, for now (it sounds like you've just recently started dating), don't worry too much about it. See if you are compatible and have fun together when you spend time with her. It may not be a good match for other reasons.

 

Unless - you know you don't care for children and school events, etc. Then be kind to everyone and just walk away gracefully now.

[Protec]

The kids have fathers, so I don't need to be one. The kids are every other week with their fathers. Yes. Fathers. They both have different father.

 

I really like my gf. I don't hate her kids. We are crazy about each other.

 

I've never had this nice relationship where you feel that someone actually cares for you and vice versa. We have awesome chemistry, we dream about going to vacation together etc. Great sex life.

 

Just yesterday I met her family and last Saturday she met mine.

 

My gf asked me "when you move here?". I really don't know if I ever will.

 

I have my own hobbies, I make music with my computer, play games etc. I need my own room for that. And her place does not have enough rooms for my stuff.

 

I did not ran to compare her to my mother. But i was kid too once and I never remember our or my friends families to have so many kid pictures around. Of course she lives alone so that may change how she decorates her home.

[Gaeta]

There is nothing wrong with your girlfriend.

 

If I remember well she took time off and went away with you on a cruise. That means she is capable of separating herself from her children and have adult time by herself.

 

Some women can't take babysitters or take any time off without being emotional wrecks, it's not her case. If i were you I would not question her mental issues concerning the amounts of pictures on her walls, more like questioning her decorating style. There is nothing more to it.

[Emilia]

I'm not discussing crap about what I think with someone I just met. They arent privy to what questions, thoughts or feelings I might have which can be positive or negative.

 

I am still taking it all in and trying to see if we are a good fit or not.

 

Example

 

Honey, why does your cell phone go off all hours of the night?

 

Not happening. I don't care why, none of my business and I honestly don't want to know the answer. If a girl continues to let that happen after the first few dates, I am going to bow out and have zero desire to explain why or get involved in who / whatever drama she has going on. So communicating that gets me right into the very thing I am trying to avoid. No to mention, I would feel like a total loser asking someone that within a few dates.

 

Here are just a sample of some other things I would never need to communicate / discuss...

 

Why do you have so many guy friends?

 

Why do you are your friends with lots of Exes?

 

Why do you invest so much time in Social Media?

 

Why do you hang out with such Friends with loose morals?

 

You make assumptions instead and prefer to keep conversation light. That tends to indicate to people that you aren't looking for anything serious, ever. I think it pays to learn how to discuss values and long term plans without being too heavy and inducing anxiety. After all having sex with someone is a pretty big deal, having a conversation shouldn't be equally as big a deal I don't think. That allows you to make an informed decision rather than potentially throw something valuable away because you are too scared of looking needy.

[adelahorn3]

It’s amazing to have little babies at home. It makes the parents feel special. People nowadays take baby photos every day from the birth date to make stories and preserve them forever. Newborn baby photography is so much fun, as these babies are so cuddly and everyday they keep changing.

[LoveRefreshed]

Just because a guy compared his gf to his mother doesn't give him automatic mommy issues, wow.

 

Yeah, the truth is simple, when I look at all of my families houses, exactly 0 of them have kid pictures in every room. Each one has a room with an area full of kid pics of grandkids, kids, etc...

 

My single mom sister (oh god, do I have sister issues?) has a few pics of her son and that's it.

 

I think it is indicative of a crazy mom. I can't stand crazy moms where she tries to relive her childhood through her kid, all conversations end up at their kid, and when the kid is gone with friends/other parent all they want to do is laze around and drink out of boredom. That is absolutely zero fun bro and I'd avoid it.

[yellowhibiscus]

I don't get why having pictures around her house is a bad thing? She loves her children obviously! OP, if this bothers you, then I would seriously reconsider dating a single mother. I am a single mother and dated a man who was constantly jealous of the affection I gave to my son. He ended up resenting him and not really ever connecting with him. We all suffered in the end.