Protec Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I am dating a single mother my age. Her kids are 4 and 7. Her apartment is filled with pictures of her kids. Baby pictures, newborn pictures, school pictures (these understand). But I mean they are everywhere. In the kitchen, in living room, in bed room, in the hallway, as her background picture in her phone, in her bank card, on her mouse pad...Even her computer password is her kids name I understand you love your kids. But when I was a kid my mother did not have the whole apartment covered with our pictures. It feels like she has nothing else in her life. I have never encountered anything like this. I need help with this. 3
mrldii Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 Don't date single moms who love their kids; it really is just that simple. Best of luck to you, OP... 8
Redhead14 Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I am dating a single mother my age. Her kids are 4 and 7. Her apartment is filled with pictures of her kids. Baby pictures, newborn pictures, school pictures (these understand). But I mean they are everywhere. In the kitchen, in living room, in bed room, in the hallway, as her background picture in her phone, in her bank card, on her mouse pad...Even her computer password is her kids name I understand you love your kids. But when I was a kid my mother did not have the whole apartment covered with our pictures. It feels like she has nothing else in her life. I have never encountered anything like this. I need help with this. You don't need help with THIS. You need help dealing with the relationship you had with your mother. Comparing a dating partner on any level to your mother just isn't cool . . . If you hadn't mentioned your mother, I would have simply said that this woman knows what her priorities are and keeps them in the forefront of her life and mind at all times . . . so she never does anything that isn't about putting them first when making decisions about her life and theirs. And, that's still true, but it's not all about those pictures. 10
Emilia Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I think it's always off-putting when someone is very focused on one thing to the detriment of everything else. I once went out with a guy who was obsessed with his immediate family: his parents and sibling. Hardly ever talked about anything else. Good guy, bright but boring long term. A friend's girlfriend is like the woman you are describing. Before they had a child she had no hobbies, no interests. Now it's the kid. Not for me, personally. 5
Emilia Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 Wow OP getting flammed already and he really didn't say anything vaguely controversial. 5
Emilia Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 You don't need help with THIS. You need help dealing with the relationship you had with your mother. Comparing a dating partner on any level to your mother just isn't cool . . . If you hadn't mentioned your mother, I would have simply said that this woman knows what her priorities are and keeps them in the forefront of her life and mind at all times . . . so she never does anything that isn't about putting them first when making decisions about her life and theirs. And, that's still true, but it's not all about those pictures. I think he only mentioned his mother for comparison reasons. He was a child once so even though he doesn't have kids, he knows what's it like to be in a family. 3
SunnyWeather Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I understand your uneasiness with this, I'd feel the same way too. It appears she has no room for anyone or anything else in her life but her kids. Does she have any other interests? 1
Redhead14 Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I think he only mentioned his mother for comparison reasons. He was a child once so even though he doesn't have kids, he knows what's it like to be in a family. I think he only mentioned his mother for comparison reasons. -- Exactly. That shouldn't happen. On top of that, his mother likely didn't have all the options available for collecting and displaying pictures -- she likely didn't have a cell phone, social media, computer with so much capabilities that exist now. He doesn't know she wouldn't have done that if she could have. He was a child once -- But he's never been a mother. 3
mrldii Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 Wow OP getting flammed already and he really didn't say anything vaguely controversial. I'm not seeing where OP is getting "flammed". According to OP's OP, he's "dating" this woman, not living with her. That means the house in question is hers...not his mother's and certainly not his. Since it's her house (and her kids, and her life), she can do whatever she wants within it. It is perfectly within his rights to not like what she does within her house, with her kids, and with her life; this is what the dating process is all about. While dating her he may discover other things she does that is not at all like the way his mother did it: she may make her meatloaf a different way, she may spend her disposable income a different way, she may actually enjoy having sex, etc. What can he do about it? He can get over it and stay in the relationship with her or he can not get over and move on. What he can NOT do about it is complain - covertly or overtly - to her or others about how she does things in her own home, in an attempt to get her do things differently in her own home. His choice what he'll do about this event in his lfe...just as it's her choice with events in her life. 7
EatYourVeggies Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 Wow OP getting flammed already and he really didn't say anything vaguely controversial. A guy without kids who freaks out when he ends up dating a woman with them... That my dear, is a big no no. It's all about her, her kids, her sacrifice. We could call them "sacred cows" but I suspect I will be flamed for using that metaphor. Regardless, he isn't allowed to THINK one thought or VENT or ask a SINGLE question about it cause even though he knows nothing about kids or dating a woman with them it is forbidden under any and all circumstance. The deadbeat loser who they may or may not have married and had all these sweet kids with... Just adds to the charm you know. Not allowed to touch that subject either. He isnt allowed to ease into it, seek out coaching / guidence. Nope... Shut his mouth, know his roll and do what he is told. Being sarcastic of course but I'm serious with some they group up and the claws come out. I don't have kids and won't date girls with kids and when some hear that.. They go apesh.1t. Have several friends that are single moms and they would never date me because I don't have kids. I am not offended so I don't get it. 2
mrldii Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 For the record, I was one of those *bad* single moms, who didn't *love my kids* and had very few pictures of them anywhere, including in my home, in my wallet, and in my office at work. But, I also operated under the premise that it was/is my home, my wallet, my office, and my life...so, I could do with it whateverTF I wanted and if a guy I was dating didn't like it, he could leave via the same door through which he found so much distastefulness, and which he found was not to his personal liking. 3
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I've no kids either but unless pics of her kids everywhere is one sign among many that she doesn't have a life of her own, that looks a little far-fetched. She can do what she likes in her own home, as someone else mentioned. I could understand if, when moving in together, the GF refused to take her guy's preferences into consideration and still wanted pics of her kids everywhere but as it stands, there's not much he can do about it. Not sure how she would take being dumped on the basis hat she has too many pics of her kids in her house, though... 1
preraph Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 Sounds like they're her whole identity. I agree it's not normal to fill your house with that many kid photos. After all, the kids are not deceased. They're still there right in front of you every day. I certainly wouldn't want to share a space with that. I'd say since it bothers you (it would bother most men, I think -- too sappy) then you're probably not a good match. Her kids should come first, but they shouldn't be the only wallpaper in the house. 2
Redhead14 Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 What he is doing is trying to get in her head to determine whether or not she can or would make him one of her priorities via an external indicator which really on the surface says nothing about her ability to include a partner on a mutually satisfactory basis. The fact that he is focusing on this is a sign that there are other things about the relationship that is making him wonder. What if he stays with her and she starts including pictures of them together? If she is not otherwise showing him/making him feel like he is a priority to her, then he should just move on instead of looking for validation for how he is feeling based on "hearsay" or a perceived message. If he's feeling insecure, he should talk to her . . . 3
kendahke Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I am dating a single mother my age. Her kids are 4 and 7. Her apartment is filled with pictures of her kids. Baby pictures, newborn pictures, school pictures (these understand). But I mean they are everywhere. In the kitchen, in living room, in bed room, in the hallway, as her background picture in her phone, in her bank card, on her mouse pad...Even her computer password is her kids name I understand you love your kids. But when I was a kid my mother did not have the whole apartment covered with our pictures. It feels like she has nothing else in her life. I have never encountered anything like this. I need help with this. Apparently, her children are her whole existence. Some mothers are like that; others not. You'd probably be better served finding a woman who either isn't a mother or one whose whole life isn't her children. She's rather putting you and everyone else--male and female--on notice that they will always come second to her kids, so proceed knowing that. And you should understand: what your mom did when you were a child has nothing to do with how this woman is with her children. That is no valid comparison and neither woman is wrong in her approach. If it bothers you that her children's pictures are everywhere, simplest thing to do is to not deal with her. I can assure you that the moment you say something to her about it, whatever it is you have going on will grind to a halt. Actually, perhaps it should... 1
EatYourVeggies Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 If he's feeling insecure, he should talk to her . . . LOL! I wouldn't do that if you paid me. I would go talk to my friends, sisters (and a few have children), etc. too give me some perspective and a education potentially (I have no kids and never dated a woman with them, just like the OP). She doesn't need to be aware of anything yet. She or he doesn't need to have the mindset or told they are not good enough and need to be fixed. For all we know, he is just freaking out and wonders if this is normal, for some people it is and would like it. He may to come to feel the same. I have come to the conclusion that people are totally clueless about what dating is and how to do it properly. Not sure how or when this happened but man this place is full of people like this and it really bites them in ass often time months or even years later. I really believe people should do a lot of watching / listening and a lot less talking / fixing / trying to turn every "frog" into a "prince / princess" when they just started dating. You can avoid a lot of unnecessary pain, misery, time, work, effort, BS, drama by walking away early when you realize you two are just not a good fit. 4
mrldii Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 ...I really believe people should do a lot of watching / listening and a lot less talking / fixing / trying to turn every "frog" into a "prince / princess" when they just started dating. You can avoid a lot of unnecessary pain, misery, time, work, effort, BS, drama by walking away early when you realize you two are just not a good fit. This. ^^^ OMG, it's soooooo this. "Dating" is NOT "married", where we should be focusing our efforts on compromise and doing whatever we can to 'make sure it works out'. It's dating...that Goldilocks stage of relating, where we try each other on and try each other out, 'til we find (not make) That One who is *just right*. 4
KatZee Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I'm really not quite sure how: Lots of pictures of a mother's kids around the house = no interests and no life besides her kids. That's a pretty far fetched assumption. I have tons of interests. I don't have those interests hung up on my walls. Unless you know her on a deeper level, I don't think it's safe to assume she has no life outside of them. 7
Jabron1 Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I think some perspective is needed here. I've dated single mothers. I've had women try to make me a surrogate father within a week of starting dating, and I've witnessed them neglect their children to go out and party. Those are problems. A load of pictures lying around really isn't a big deal. I doubt I'd even notice/care. She's probably just a good mum. If this sort of thing is bothering you, you should just rule out dating single mothers entirely. No point moaning about it. 4
Space Ritual Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I have come to the conclusion that people are totally clueless about what dating is and how to do it properly. Not sure how or when this happened but man this place is full of people like this and it really bites them in ass often time months or even years later. I really believe people should do a lot of watching / listening and a lot less talking / fixing / trying to turn every "frog" into a "prince / princess" when they just started dating. You can avoid a lot of unnecessary pain, misery, time, work, effort, BS, drama by walking away early when you realize you two are just not a good fit. Agreed. People have very unrealistic expectations in general when it comes to dating. That's why they end up here with a story that we've all heard a million times before. People put a lot of undue pressure on themselves i think due to them feeling like unless they are dating somebody or in some kind of relationship, that they are not complete, for lack of a better word. There is no shame in being single, or realizing that one should be. lol. 2
Redhead14 Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 LOL! I wouldn't do that if you paid me. I would go talk to my friends, sisters (and a few have children), etc. too give me some perspective and a education potentially (I have no kids and never dated a woman with them, just like the OP). She doesn't need to be aware of anything yet. She or he doesn't need to have the mindset or told they are not good enough and need to be fixed. For all we know, he is just freaking out and wonders if this is normal, for some people it is and would like it. He may to come to feel the same. I have come to the conclusion that people are totally clueless about what dating is and how to do it properly. Not sure how or when this happened but man this place is full of people like this and it really bites them in ass often time months or even years later. I really believe people should do a lot of watching / listening and a lot less talking / fixing / trying to turn every "frog" into a "prince / princess" when they just started dating. You can avoid a lot of unnecessary pain, misery, time, work, effort, BS, drama by walking away early when you realize you two are just not a good fit. There is never a time in a developing or established relationship when communication isn't acceptable. It's how, why, what you communicate that's important. He isn't going to criticize her or ask her to change. He doesn't know if anything should be changed. He can say something like "I've noticed that your children are your priority and I admire that. I am looking for a long-term committed relationship for myself and I've never had children. How would a partner fit into your life and the lives of your children? As for wondering if this is "normal", no one can say it isn't. The definition of normal is anything that doesn't cause/create dysfunction/disruption in a person's life.
Yookie Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 It feels like she has nothing else in her life. I have never encountered anything like this. Two questions: 1) Is she an amateur photographer? 2) Besides the pictures, is there other behavior that makes you think she has nothing else going on in her life? 3
SugarLips72 Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 Why would this bother you except if you are jealous of the kids or not getting enough attention? Have you dated a single mother before? Are you up for the drama and accepting her kids and treating them well? Finding babysitters? Any drama with their father? I have 2 kids and my house and most of my rooms have my kids pictures but my walls are not covered with them. I have normal decor as well. She obviously loves her kids to death but perhaps has done a bit overboard with the decorating. What is your real problem or concern here?
Wewon Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 I need help with this. Okay, I admit that I'm not the sharpest guy so I will need some more information. Hopefully this will give others a bit of direction as well. What exactly are you asking for help with? Do you want to try to get her to change this habit? Are you asking for help to cope with the pictures? Those pictures aren't hurting anyone or somehow interfering in the relationship in any way, this is simply something that she likes and how she wants to set up her home. Making an issue of this will likely add more stress to your relationship than the actual pictures. There are some things we simply have to accept or move on from in a relationship. Not everything can or should be "worked on" or compromised. 3
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