She broke-up (religion, distance...) Did I try enough? Looking for objective views

[essai0506]

Hi guys,

I'm looking for objectivity coz I am a bit lost after my exgf broke up with me. I'll try to make it short:

- I'm Belgium (sorry for my English), she's American, I'm 35 she is 34

- We met in a humanitarian mission (sharing intense moments together)

- We were together for 3 years: 4 months in the mission (2012) + 3 months in NYC (2013) + trip together in France (2013) + another 3 months in NYC (2014) + 12 months in 2015 without seeing each other but we were still together (that probably killed the relationship)

- When I lived with her in NYC = all was great but my departure dates always made us avoid useless arguments = we almost never argued and enjoyed so much our time together.

 

 

During my last stay in NYC (2014), she wanted me to propose I think but in my head I was not at this stage yet.

She left NYC to go back to Chicago when I was on a mission and would not want me to come visit her again if we are only boyfriend/girlfriend. She said she loves me but she did not want to stay any longer in NYC (felt lonely). she moved back to Chicago 2 weeks before I finished another humanitarian mission. Therefore I could not meet her in NYC anymore.

Her family back home in Illinois is from the bible student community = very traditionnal = we cannot live together there unless we're married.

I wanted to come to Illinois, try to live there and see if we could be happy (tough decision for me to leave my country forever and my family in Belgium, so it was not easy to decide). I was afraid to live in Chicago, to only have 2 weeks off per year (vs 5 weeks in France) = meaning I would barely see my family in Belgium anymore. I wanted to see if I'd be happy anyways and if we could find a stable situation but she wanted me to do the big jump without even coming there first.

We loved each other but after 12 months without seeing each other she decided to break up. We did not find a compromise.

I did not get a clear closure = I guess the organic connection was lost due to the time and distance. When I asked if religion (bible student) is a pb? She told me "a little bit" (whereas she did not care about that in NYC) = after 12 months close to her community, I fear that she wanted to make her family proud. She did not tell them she was dating me in NYC.

 

I could have proposed her back in NYC but I thought we should spent more time together (e.g. live together without end date for 1 or 2 years and until I finish my studies).

I feel like she did not do many compromises for me. She decided to move back to Illinois (instead of waiting for me in NYC), she did not want me to visit her in Illinoins (unless we get married), she only wanted to go back there and nowhere else (neither France, nor Canada, nor NYC even just for a couple of years).

She was hurt I did not propose but in Belgium we usually live together for a couple of years before getting married.

She wanted to be married and have a family soon. I needed her to wait a little bit. I guess the pression of her age + bible student tradition + distance and time (feeling cooled off a bit) + religion made her take her decision.

 

I think she probably suffered when breaking up, probably thinking "I'm letting go the best man I ever met, maybe it's a huge mistake that I'm going to regret". It was a tough call to make and I could not convinced her otherwise.

We loved each other. She broke up 6 months ago.

I keep thinking about her and I miss so much our life together in NYC. The best time of my life. We shared amazing moments together in Africa and in NYC.

 

I did not propose because I felt like she was pressuring me and she did not seem to want to do any compromise for me. Living in the US was the best option but I wanted to know that she would also be ready to compromise for me.

 

My questions for you:

- when a girl says "a little bit" (regarding the influence of religion in this case). Is it more than a little bit?

- was I asking too much to have her wait for me or to compromise a little bit? I'm not looking for 50/50 but I think she was making her decision as a single person and that I was not included in her choices.

- should I have to marry her, then she would have felt relieved to be married and she would have made compromises?

 

She loved me very much. I loved her too. That's the last thing we told each other, crying, during the breakup on skype.

I'm having a very hard time to move on. I keep thinking about our amazing life in NYC. And that I could have made her take another decision (she's an anxious person and we both got scared to take the leap of faith for each other, afraid of the "what if it does not work). I feel that I did my part but maybe I should have done more?

Thanks for your objective point of view. It is so hard now after all what we shared...

Now she is dating someone else (she informed me to be up front and honest with me). It hurts so much...The last thing she said is that I am "a wonderful and amazing person and that good things will happen to me in the future". I know I must move on, I'm trying to... I'm the dumpee so the rejection feeling is hard. I hope she thinks of me. I wish her to be happy but sometimes I'm ashamed to think that I'd like her to suffer about us as much as I do. Maybe she still considers me as an option because i told her my feelings and maybe she will only feel bad when she realizes that I move on for good.

Edited February 28, 2016 by essai0506

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, thank you for your post. I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. Break ups are very difficult to go through. I have some thoughts and questions after reading your post. First, from how you describe her, it seems as though she is more a Christian and less merely a "bible student"? If this is correct, then the issue may be much deeper than you describe; it may be insurmountable short of you accepting Christ. Also, does it seem to you that she is looking for a leader? Have you provided leadership in the relationship in the past? Finally, do you think that living together strengthened your relationship or weakened it? As I was reading over your post, I remembered an article that I read not too long ago about this topic. I found it helpful. Cohabitation as a Means to Marriage | Focus on the Family. Once again, I am sorry that you are in this situation. I will pray for you. Kind regards, Kevin

[Randomlyrandomme]

Hi

 

M34Toronto

 

I want to say it's very obvious how much you hurt and I hope relief comes soon.

 

I think you were right no to give into pressure and propose in NY. As much as you love her, she was not willing to compromise on anything. I could sense the frustration when you described it. This trait only would have led to resentment. You only lived together for fairly short time periods, so it's possible that you weren't forced to reveal all your traits to one another.

 

I think she loved you, but by setting so many barriers and demands upon you without compromisie, it might suggest that deep down she wanted you to fail: she set fair and unreasonable standards that you did not want to meet. I don't think religion mattered drastically to her, I think it was just one more obstacle she could put in your way.

 

But the point is now moot. So all you can do is take another step forward. It will be a tough process, but we humans are resilient. And do feel bad for feeling ill will towards her. That's just your pain. Just know that it's not good to dwell there an it will go eventually with the pain.

 

I truly hope the best for you and your future. You seem like a kind and compassionate person

 

 

Ps. Thanks for considering Canada. It's great here.

[essai0506]

Hello, thank you for your post. I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. Break ups are very difficult to go through. I have some thoughts and questions after reading your post. First, from how you describe her, it seems as though she is more a Christian and less merely a "bible student"? If this is correct, then the issue may be much deeper than you describe; it may be insurmountable short of you accepting Christ. Also, does it seem to you that she is looking for a leader? Have you provided leadership in the relationship in the past? Finally, do you think that living together strengthened your relationship or weakened it? As I was reading over your post, I remembered an article that I read not too long ago about this topic. I found it helpful. Cohabitation as a Means to Marriage | Focus on the Family. Once again, I am sorry that you are in this situation. I will pray for you. Kind regards, Kevin

 

Thanks for your comment Kevin. I appreciate.

To answer your questions, she grew up in the Bible Student community so she attends to mass and other activities when she is back home (to behave in a good way and because she probably enjoys the feeling of being part of a nice group of people instead of loneliness in a big city). She did not practice when she lived in NYC so I don't think religion mattered so much in her. I'm not judging but I suppose that she did not want to disappoint her family and relatives so she acted as a good bible student would. She worries way too much about what other people think of her, which clouds her judgment...

As for me, I'm grew up as a Catholic (I'm not religious now, I believe there is a god but I don't say one religion is right over another). I don't mind religion but I don't like the idea of behaving a certain way because of family.

 

Looking for a leader? Well during the last 12 months of our relationship, when we were far from each other, it's true that I did not feel so well because I was looking for my way in life (studies). I was naive to think that a woman will support you when you're down. It actually makes them run away. I feel like she let me down when I most needed her. I used to have some kind of upper hand in the relationship, although, I would say it was a very mutual and healthy relationship. No one was a leader, we just got along so well together and there was no competition. I know she loved me very much and was proud of me (even more when seeing that her friends liked me too).

 

About living together? Well, it actually made us see how well things were going between us. We lived in a small appartment but it really worked so well. Not an argument, just a few clarifications (which is normal). The whole time we lived together was just fantastic. We were such a good team at home and our humanitarian past gave us very strong foundations. So, unlike your very interesting article says, our case was a bit different coz it really strengthened our relationship.

But when I try to be objective:

- I understimated her urge to commit and get married (bad communication, I did not know she expected it so soon)

- I suppose the family tradition mattered more after she started to live in Illinois again (group effect is strong)

- she started to see my visit more like a "band-aid" (enjoying the moment and avoiding the big decisions: what should we do? who wants to give up the home country?)

Anyways, thanks for the support Kevin.

[essai0506]

Hi

 

M34Toronto

 

I want to say it's very obvious how much you hurt and I hope relief comes soon.

 

I think you were right no to give into pressure and propose in NY. As much as you love her, she was not willing to compromise on anything. I could sense the frustration when you described it. This trait only would have led to resentment. You only lived together for fairly short time periods, so it's possible that you weren't forced to reveal all your traits to one another.

 

I think she loved you, but by setting so many barriers and demands upon you without compromisie, it might suggest that deep down she wanted you to fail: she set fair and unreasonable standards that you did not want to meet. I don't think religion mattered drastically to her, I think it was just one more obstacle she could put in your way.

 

But the point is now moot. So all you can do is take another step forward. It will be a tough process, but we humans are resilient. And do feel bad for feeling ill will towards her. That's just your pain. Just know that it's not good to dwell there an it will go eventually with the pain.

 

I truly hope the best for you and your future. You seem like a kind and compassionate person

 

 

Ps. Thanks for considering Canada. It's great here.

 

Thanks for your comment and words of support! I actually lived in Vancouver so I always remember Canada as a great place to live

I actually asked her if Toronto would be a good option as i is not so far from Chicago but she refused. She only wanted to go back to her family. I understand that family is important but I guess she wanted me AND her family.

I suppose she was afraid to let me take the leap of faith because she saw I had doubts. She knew we did not want the same things than her right away even though we really loved each other.

She did not want me to come and be unhappy (because I sacrified seeing my family, no more travels, a probably average job...). She got scared that it would not work so she did not keep the options open unless I propose (which would have made her relieved to have someone committed).

When she left NYC to go back to Illinois, I kept supporting her coz she had a hard time to start her life there again. Once she was settled and feeling well, she probably let her feelings towards me cool off + she did not feel as lonely as in NYC so my support became less needed and she was in a rush to get married and have kids.

In the end, I guess that if someone does not compromise for you when there is love, she won't do it later on in the relationship when love may be a bit less strong as it is in the beginning. BUT I may be wrong and marriage could have been the key. There was a way to have this relationship working. I knew her fears and worries but I was focusing on mine.

I don't want to have resentment. Of course I'm going through all the stage of a serious break-up: sadness, anger, etc.

But I want that we keep respecting each other. We ended on good terms and speak about each other as wonderful persons in our last communication (we stopped writing since she's dating, coz it's not healthy for me). It's just so sad that this beautiful relationship ended due to distance and lack of communication.

In the end, when/if I see her again in the future, I just want to give her a huge hug in memory of our beautiful time together and I'd be sad to hear that she suffered in her life. I only wish her happiness and that her dream of family and children become true. I wish it was with me. I just miss her and our beautiful life together so much.