Is she interested or playing games?

February 27, 2016

I am 35 and she is 33. We met via a dating app about 6 weeks ago. We chatted via text for approximately 2 weeks before meeting.

The first date was great. It was on a Sunday afternoon. We played miniature golf and had dinner. It was short and sweet...3 hours max.

After the first date, the texting started to be more and more frequent. It was 50/50. I would initiate texting some days; others she would. This lead me to believe that she was interested. I'd sometimes wake up to good morning babe texts, and I would do the same. We couldn't get together the following weekend, but we did get together the next weekend...Valentines Day. A few day prior to Valentines Day I started to get a little concerned. Any time I'd ask her when she was free VDAY, she wouldn't respond, or she would reply hours later and didn't even mention VDAY. I didn't find out until VDAY morning that she could get together.

The date was great. It was a little more intimate and we had great conversation. We talked about what we were both looking for. She said she is looking for a relationship, and doesn't want to rush. She said that she was hurt before, and has rushed into situations only to get hurt. I told her that I'm looking for the same, and that I've been hurt as well. The topic of texting came up. I told her that I'm not a fan of chasing, because it's a game. I said that if I send a text, and the other person doesn't respond, I normally don't text back until the other person does. There was a lot of laughing, eye contact, and I even got a first night kiss.

I started thinking that she could be someone that I see a future with. The following Wednesday, I asked her if she was free the following weekend. She said she was. We made plans for Sunday. On Friday, she asked if I would rather do Saturday instead. On Saturday, a few hours before we were to meet, she said that she was really exhausted and didn't think she could meet. I was upset and just replied with ok. I woke up from a nap a few hours later to a few texts. One asked if I was mad, and the other asked if I would just want to come to her house. I replied that I would come to her place if she was comfortable. She said, 2 hours later, that she didn't feel comfortable. I then got even more upset. She asked if I was available to meet on Sunday (our original plan). I said no, even though I could have, because I didn't want her to think that I was available any time she wanted me to. I then told her that I was starting to get a gut feeling that something wasn't right. I then asked her how she would feel in my shoes. She asked me if I wanted to stop seeing her. I waited a few hours to reply and said yes.

I then made a conscious effort that If I send a text, and she doesn't respond, I'm not texting back. This seemed to upset her. She told me one day that I was now acting some kind of way. I said that I sent the last text in a joking way. She replied with she doesn't have time to play the first text game. On Wednesday, I asked her if she wanted to meet up this weekend, and she again didn't respond until the next day, and didn't even respond to my question about meeting up. Thursday was the same...only received like 3 messages from her. On Friday, out of the blue, she said that she had a friend's birthday on Saturday. I asked her about her availability any other day, and she said nothing. She texted later and again didn't reply to my question about meeting up. I start thinking to myself that I'm going out of town next weekend, so I won't be able to do anything that weekend.

I don't know what to do. I know that she likes me, but I'm ready to throw in the towel because it seems like she's starting to play games. She's been posting memes on social media which leads me to believe she's not over an ex.

I'm sorry. I didn't think this would be as lengthy.

February 27, 2016

She might think you're a nice guy, but she isn't that into you. This is purely conjecture, of course. My guess is that she didn't respond to your Vday question or the possible weekend date where she had a Bday get-together, even though she responded to your text in general, bc she was waiting to see if another guy she's interested in approached her for a date before committing to you.

You've clearly explained your position concerning text message volleying here, and no doubt you were just as clear with her, yet she didn't respond in what you felt was an appropriate amount of time.

You began seeing a possible future with someone you'd had two or three dates with. Toward the end of your post, the timeline is fuzzy the way you have written it, or you did some back and forth - I don't want to see you, I do want to see you, no I don't want to see you.

This is going nowhere. You need to move on.

February 27, 2016

She might think you're a nice guy, but she isn't that into you. This is purely conjecture, of course. My guess is that she didn't respond to your Vday question or the possible weekend date where she had a Bday get-together, even though she responded to your text in general, bc she was waiting to see if another guy she's interested in approached her for a date before committing to you.

This.

Also, she's probably on the rebound. The memes on social media. The "I've been hurt before" line. People usually don't mention how hurt they've been unless they're not over it.

February 27, 2016

The back and forth last weekend is what really gave med red flags. First Sunday, then Saturday, then Sunday. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are only an option.

I know she's likely lost interest, but why would she get upset if I don't respond right away? Not the first time something like this has happened to me.

February 27, 2016

You're younger than I am, but I'm about to get back in the dating world.

Why not just call?

Texting works best when the person does an prompt back and forth. I've used texting for my business and there's no way I'm not answering a client. There's very few scenarios where I can't text back within an hour. Dental/doctor appointment, movie, theater, funeral, church, wedding. I've been my own boss for many years, but even when I was in the rat race, it wasn't very often that there was a scenario where I wouldn't have been able to get back to someone.

When someone doesn't answer a text promptly and they show a pattern of that? Just call them. The back and forth is immediate.

This is assuming they answer....

February 27, 2016

I imagine for the same reason you get upset when your text aren't responded to in a timely manner.

February 27, 2016

I never get upset if she doesn't respond timely, but do when she was wishy/washy whenever I'd ask her about meeting.

February 27, 2016

The back and forth last weekend is what really gave med red flags. First Sunday, then Saturday, then Sunday. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are only an option.

I know she's likely lost interest, but why would she get upset if I don't respond right away? Not the first time something like this has happened to me.

She is only annoyed because she feels her sexual power over you is waning and it hurts her ego. Ideally, she wants to maintain communication via text as this is all on her terms: You prove your interest by replying and begging for dates, her ego gets a boost and all it is costing her is the price of a text. She has managed to master the art of keeping you texting even though we all know you will probably never go on another date with her. What a result for her!

This is why the best thing you can do is just not reply. The transaction between you is so uneven, she is getting 100% of what she wants and you are getting 0% of what you want and ultimately, you are going to lose completely when she finally decides to stop toying with you and just stops responding herself.

February 27, 2016

She asked if I was available to meet on Sunday (our original plan). I said no, even though I could have, because I didn't want her to think that I was available any time she wanted me to. I then told her that I was starting to get a gut feeling that something wasn't right. I then asked her how she would feel in my shoes. She asked me if I wanted to stop seeing her. I waited a few hours to reply and said yes.

Ok, so who is playing the games here?

There was a bit of confusion re the date to meet but then you instead of being helpful and showing that you are in fact interested, decided to go on the offensive, told a lie and then told her you didn't want to see her again - that is definitely going to go down well, and now she is the game player????

Stop playing games, you're 35 and no longer in high school. If you want her let her know, and if you don't, then pass.

YOU are so worried that she may be playing you, that you ended up playing her instead.

February 27, 2016

I never get upset if she doesn't respond timely, but do when she was wishy/washy whenever I'd ask her about meeting.

When a woman is wishy/washy, flakes or tells me she is "busy" without offering an alternative time I ignore them.

Period.

When they want to know why I tell them.

"I'm interested in dating you:

1. I asked you out on a date & you changed the subject

2. You flaked on me and didn't reschedule

3. you told me you were busy & didn't offer a time when you weren't busy

These tell me you are not interested in dating so why would I continue to text you?"

Or something along those lines depending on what she sent.

Basically I let them know i'm not going to chase & i'm not going to waste my time on a woman who doesn't want to give me some of hers.

Don't play games with them.

it's a waste of time and only works with low quality women.

February 27, 2016

Ok, so who is playing the games here?

There was a bit of confusion re the date to meet but then you instead of being helpful and showing that you are in fact interested, decided to go on the offensive, told a lie and then told her you didn't want to see her again - that is definitely going to go down well, and now she is the game player????

Stop playing games, you're 35 and no longer in high school. If you want her let her know, and if you don't, then pass.

YOU are so worried that she may be playing you, that you ended up playing her instead.

I think OP made the right call there- as a man you have to have add a certain unavailability to your repertoire. She is rescheduling left right and centre and he is in his rights to gently push back so it is not all on her terms. And what was the outcome? Instead of her shrugging it off and being all like "yeah no big deal, how about xxx night?" that seems to have been her last word on the matter of dates. He had one strike and now he is out and she is now just toying with him.

Her heart isn't in it and from the sound of it hasn't been for some time.

February 27, 2016

She was playing games, then you starting playing them, too. I've been there. You need to take a step back and decide what you want to do here.

I suggest moving on from her as she is most definitely seeing other guys and holding on to you as a back up. Being Back Up Guy is not a good spot. You can be dropped at any time.

February 27, 2016

Don't play games with them.
it's a waste of time and only works with low quality women.

Damn right.

February 27, 2016

I never get upset if she doesn't respond timely, but do when she was wishy/washy whenever I'd ask her about meeting.

Because she was waiting for the ex to confirm.

February 27, 2016

Nowhere in my post did I say that I never wanted to see her again.

February 27, 2016

Nowhere in my post did I say that I never wanted to see her again.

OP, you wrote this: She asked me if I wanted to stop seeing her. I waited a few hours to reply and said yes.

February 27, 2016

OP, you wrote this: She asked me if I wanted to stop seeing her. I waited a few hours to reply and said yes.

I saw this too and thought that it couldn't have helped the situation. At the same time, I wouldn't beat yourself up over it OP, because this does not sound like a good scenario regardless.

February 27, 2016

I am 35 and she is 33. We met via a dating app about 6 weeks ago. We chatted via text for approximately 2 weeks before meeting.

The first date was great. It was on a Sunday afternoon. We played miniature golf and had dinner. It was short and sweet...3 hours max.

After the first date, the texting started to be more and more frequent. It was 50/50. I would initiate texting some days; others she would. This lead me to believe that she was interested. I'd sometimes wake up to good morning babe texts, and I would do the same. We couldn't get together the following weekend, but we did get together the next weekend...Valentines Day. A few day prior to Valentines Day I started to get a little concerned. Any time I'd ask her when she was free VDAY, she wouldn't respond, or she would reply hours later and didn't even mention VDAY. I didn't find out until VDAY morning that she could get together.

The date was great. It was a little more intimate and we had great conversation. We talked about what we were both looking for. She said she is looking for a relationship, and doesn't want to rush. She said that she was hurt before, and has rushed into situations only to get hurt. I told her that I'm looking for the same, and that I've been hurt as well. The topic of texting came up. I told her that I'm not a fan of chasing, because it's a game. I said that if I send a text, and the other person doesn't respond, I normally don't text back until the other person does. There was a lot of laughing, eye contact, and I even got a first night kiss.

I started thinking that she could be someone that I see a future with. The following Wednesday, I asked her if she was free the following weekend. She said she was. We made plans for Sunday. On Friday, she asked if I would rather do Saturday instead. On Saturday, a few hours before we were to meet, she said that she was really exhausted and didn't think she could meet. I was upset and just replied with ok. I woke up from a nap a few hours later to a few texts. One asked if I was mad, and the other asked if I would just want to come to her house. I replied that I would come to her place if she was comfortable. She said, 2 hours later, that she didn't feel comfortable. I then got even more upset. She asked if I was available to meet on Sunday (our original plan). I said no, even though I could have, because I didn't want her to think that I was available any time she wanted me to. I then told her that I was starting to get a gut feeling that something wasn't right. I then asked her how she would feel in my shoes. She asked me if I wanted to stop seeing her. I waited a few hours to reply and said yes.

I then made a conscious effort that If I send a text, and she doesn't respond, I'm not texting back. This seemed to upset her. She told me one day that I was now acting some kind of way. I said that I sent the last text in a joking way. She replied with she doesn't have time to play the first text game. On Wednesday, I asked her if she wanted to meet up this weekend, and she again didn't respond until the next day, and didn't even respond to my question about meeting up. Thursday was the same...only received like 3 messages from her. On Friday, out of the blue, she said that she had a friend's birthday on Saturday. I asked her about her availability any other day, and she said nothing. She texted later and again didn't reply to my question about meeting up. I start thinking to myself that I'm going out of town next weekend, so I won't be able to do anything that weekend.

I don't know what to do. I know that she likes me, but I'm ready to throw in the towel because it seems like she's starting to play games. She's been posting memes on social media which leads me to believe she's not over an ex.

I'm sorry. I didn't think this would be as lengthy.

Throw in the towel, dude. She is still hung up on her ex. No matter how much you try to pursue her or hang in there, it won't amount to much more than it is now. You'll only feel confused by her behavior and become resentful in the end.

February 27, 2016

That was a typo on my part. I definitely didn't mean to post that.

February 27, 2016

Nowhere in my post did I say that I never wanted to see her again.

I've got to learn how to quote....

She asked if I wanted to stop seeing her and I waited a few hours before I texted "yes"

Humor and sarcasm aren't as easy to discern even with a smiley face or a wink, etc. I learned a long time ago to NOT do that on text.

February 27, 2016

Ok, I think you were one of her options. Maybe not the first one, maybe she's still hoping her ex will come back.

So maybe it's just as well she's gone.

I think you shot yourself in the foot a couple of times though:

When she asked you to come over, you saying "only if you are comfortable" killed it. She asked you. She only became "uncomfortable" after you suggested it.

You got way too invested too quickly. Seeing a future after 2 dates? I can't imagine doing that even if I met the most attractive woman in the world.

Telling her things like you get annoyed if people don't text suggested you were needy to her.

You played games too. Not replying to her text for ages and then saying you wanted to stop seeing her when you didn't.

Edited February 27, 2016 by joseb

February 27, 2016

Ok, so who is playing the games here?

There was a bit of confusion re the date to meet but then you instead of being helpful and showing that you are in fact interested, decided to go on the offensive, told a lie and then told her you didn't want to see her again - that is definitely going to go down well, and now she is the game player????

Stop playing games, you're 35 and no longer in high school. If you want her let her know, and if you don't, then pass.

YOU are so worried that she may be playing you, that you ended up playing her instead.

This^^

Bottom line. You were both playing games ....jockeying for the upper hand.

Pick up the phone and call her!

February 29, 2016

I've dating women like this, and it never ends well. I'd cut her off, she isn't taking things serious. My guess is, she's not over her ex, or is talking to a few other guys..it sucks, but not worth the headache.

February 29, 2016

When a woman is wishy/washy, flakes or tells me she is "busy" without offering an alternative time I ignore them.

Period.

When they want to know why I tell them.
"I'm interested in dating you:
1. I asked you out on a date & you changed the subject
2. You flaked on me and didn't reschedule
3. you told me you were busy & didn't offer a time when you weren't busy

These tell me you are not interested in dating so why would I continue to text you?"

This. I don't always agree with Phineas but I do believe this is a great way to sort the people who say one thing and do another from the genuine people.

I do believe it's a man's job to chase and lead. BUT it is the women's job to let the guy know she's receptive to the chase. This isn't chasing. It's game playing. This business of being flaky, not returning calls, etc. isn't a good sign if you want someone who is reliable. It appears you want someone reliable so I would just let this go since she showed you she can't be what you want.

I think the 'hurt' line was probably her way of telling you she isn't emotionally available yet. That is probably the motivation for this game playing from her side since push/pull, panic, etc. are common with people who haven't cleaned up their baggage. If that's the case it wouldn't have been a good relationship.

I also agree with Katie - The one thing I always wonder in these situations is why SOMEONE doesn't be the bigger person and pick up the phone. Texting is such a bad medium for getting to know people and making plans IMO.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Miss Peach

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