I felt that we're over but I can't bring myself to do it

[CourageOverFear]

Hello everyone! First of all, thank you for being here and I'm sorry if this gets lengthy.

 

My boyfriend and I has been together for 4 years and 4 months now. We have never been apart from each other before as we had always stayed together, from college until now that we're working. He was the sweetest guy during our first year and I thought that I've finally found the one I am going to marry. He pampered me and treat me so well that I can only see him, despite his very bad temper.

 

However, once we started working, things kind of change. He became lazy and I started doing all the cleaning up at home, buying and preparing food and even washing the dishes, I took the trash out, feed the cat. All he did was come home, do his own thing and watch movie. The only thing that he probably do is cleaning up the toilet.

 

We don't share the same concept in friends. While my friends are my family, he think friends are a liability. I enjoy going road trips or travels occasionally with other couple friends but he said no before we even started.

 

I think the worst part was, he's a manipulator in the relationship and he is very proud of himself. He is a very smart guy, bosses at work loved him and he is really good in what he's doing. He think that he's almost perfect and when I try to say something I'm unsatisfied, he'll twist it and said words to make me feel guilty for even mentioning and bring me down. When he's angry, he will start screaming and said it was because I didn't pacify him on time so he get even more angrier.

 

I had never fight back during an arguments because I don't want to lose him. I know how hot headed he can be and I know when he's screaming out his dissatisfaction and I do the same, he'll break up. I was stupid for keeping it all piled up. I knew it in my heart that it wouldn't work but I stayed on for so long because I thought he could give me a great future.

 

I know that he will be very successful in his career in the future and he's looking for a girl who will be able to be in number one fan and I know I am not for him. I also know that he might not be the one for me as I cherish qualities that he does not possess instead. But every time I thought of leaving, I can't make myself do it and he will start acting like he cared and I'll melt and go back to him.

 

I also know for a fact that texting or writing notes are the most childish thing to do and we're both adult (Im 27 and he's 29) but I don't think I can bring myself to break up with him if I talk to him face to face because I know he'll manipulate the situation and I'll feel guilty and I'll feel like I can't lose him and will apologize to him at the end and also because I'm afraid I'll never be able to find anyone else.

 

Thanks for reading through the entire thing. I don't know what to do as I am going through a roller coaster ride. One minute I felt that I should leave him, and the other, I felt that I should endure for the rest of my life because I'm getting old..

Edited February 27, 2016 by CourageOverFear
I forgot to write some other details

[SunnyWeather]

you deserve so much better. do you want to be a doormat for the rest of your life?

 

you know what you need to do- either you become pro active and take steps to live your life in an honest way that's true to your ideals and integrity or have others control your destiny and do it for you, and probably in a way that's more traumatic.

 

you are only 27. would you rather confront this in your 40's?

 

be true to yourself and never put up with anyone's crap like that ever again!

[CourageOverFear]

I guess you are right but I just don't have the courage to do it. I have been gathering it up the entire day when he's gone but it disappeared the moment he's came.

 

We argued about it through text last night and when he came back just now, he looked really pissed and I'm instantly afraid. We were supposed to go gym together but he just changed and all and I thought he expected me to change. Then he just came and said he's going and after a moment of waiting, he just asked 'You're not coming, right?' so I shook my head and he sped off.

 

I don't want to live in this fear anymore but the thought of losing him is making me even more afraid.

[ExpatInItaly]

I guess you are right but I just don't have the courage to do it. I have been gathering it up the entire day when he's gone but it disappeared the moment he's came.

 

We argued about it through text last night and when he came back just now, he looked really pissed and I'm instantly afraid. We were supposed to go gym together but he just changed and all and I thought he expected me to change. Then he just came and said he's going and after a moment of waiting, he just asked 'You're not coming, right?' so I shook my head and he sped off.

 

I don't want to live in this fear anymore but the thought of losing him is making me even more afraid.

 

He isn't suddenly going to change. He sounds like an emotionally abusive bully and I would not tolerate that one minute more.

 

You yourself said he's not the one for you. You can't let the fear of being single override the fear he instills in you. Of course it will hurt initially, but staying in this toxic situation will hurt you a heck of a lot more in the end. If you leave, you give yourself a chance at a happier future. If you stay, you can expect more of the same misery, and worse.

 

You deserve someone who loves you enough to respect you and treat you with kindness. He just doesn't.

[SunnyWeather]

OP, you mention you have friends, you might consider turning to them and family for support. You're gonna need it. Stop covering for this bully.

 

It seems you are looking to him to fix this, and he's not gonna do that, the way things are now suits him just fine. But, it's not OK for you. You do realize this situation is abusive? Only YOU can change this, and the first step is removing yourself from the abusive dynamic- stop feeding it and take back your power.

 

Do you have access to a counselor who can help you and support you in this process? It's going to take some time, but if you really are committed to changing what you clearly can see is wrong in your life, you will come out of this a stronger and better person who will attract the type of partner you deserve.

 

At 27 you should be aiming for the best and brightest-one that is supportive, co creative and joyful, and not fearful and in a constant state of survival mode, this is not healthy.