Insecurity

[Miss Peach]

I'e been dating BF for about 9 months. Everything had been really smooth until about a month ago. Just a few talks to make sure we were on the same page. No fights, yelling, or any signs of being unhealthy.

 

In the last month I've experienced 3 episodes where BF was concerned I might be pulling away from the relationship, distanced himself, and acted butt hurt. These things had all been really slight deviations in our routine that I discussed with him or misunderstandings.The misunderstanding were things like I wanted to see him but wanted to do a different activity than what he proposed. But he heard I was rejecting him. Both of us have been very consistent the entire relationship so IMO there's no reason for this.

 

I have tried taking the understanding approach and have let BF know that unless he does certain deal breakers I will give him a chance to fix things that bother me and will tell him. He gets concerned that since I defer to him decisions I don't care about that I wouldn't tell him. Yet I have always brought up things that bothered me that were important to me.

 

I realize I can't make an insecure person secure but I was hoping to get some ideas on how to stop this downward spiral. I know the reality is he's getting deep emotionally and wants to know it's safe to do so. I want to be able reassure him but part of me wants to kick him in the butt to stop this nonsense too. If it gets worse it won't be something I will able to accept which makes me sad because otherwise it's a great relationship. I don't want it to seem like an ultimatum because that would probably make him feel more insecure. But I do want to get the point across to knock this off (i.e., the distancing, the looking for things wrong).

Edited February 27, 2016 by Miss Peach

[jen1447]

I think you do just that - kick him in the butt. Sometimes we have to wear the pants when it comes to stuff like this, so being as you have the reassurance he's looking for and the wherewithal to get the message home, it's gonna be on you. (I don't know your BF obvs but it does sound like insecurity, and from what I know of you on here you're more than equal to the task.)

 

It doesn't have to be an ultimatum btw. Think of it like sitting a kid down to have a talk - you set aside any BS and strip it down to the bare facts. You're firm yet approachable. Most of all your love never waivers. Sth to the effect of "Listen to me. Look me in the eye. I'm not fading and have no intention of fading. I'd never treat you like that. But I need you to man up here and stand up stronger. This has to be a relationship where we hold each other up, so that means we both provide strength to the other. You don't have to worry about me that way, and I don't want to have to worry about you. Can you do that for me?"

 

Then of course if he starts crying or whatevs you know you have a serious problem but most likely he'll be comforted by your direct approach where you flex your girl-balls - guys can usually identify w/that.

 

I've done that very thing a time or two btw and it's worked out like I wanted.

[Methodical]

In the last month I've experienced 3 episodes where BF was concerned I might be pulling away from the relationship, distanced himself, and acted butt hurt. These things had all been really slight deviations in our routine that I discussed with him or misunderstandings.... But he heard I was rejecting him.

 

I have tried taking the understanding approach and have let BF know that unless he does certain deal breakers I will give him a chance to fix things that bother me and will tell him. He gets concerned that since I defer to him decisions I don't care about that I wouldn't tell him. Yet I have always brought up things that bothered me that were important to me.

 

I know the reality is he's getting deep emotionally and wants to know it's safe to do so. I want to be able reassure him but part of me wants to kick him in the butt to stop this nonsense too. If it gets worse it won't be something I will able to accept which makes me sad because otherwise it's a great relationship. I don't want it to seem like an ultimatum because that would probably make him feel more insecure. But I do want to get the point across to knock this off (i.e., the distancing, the looking for things wrong).

 

Good for you. Open communication prevent unnecessary undercurrents. Clarification fixes misunderstandings and can be accomplished without drama, distancing, and "looking for things" when nothing out of the ordinary has taken place. Had there been no discussion about the deviations, his 'concern' might have been warranted, but certainly not his actions...distancing and seeking out issue to nitpick, especially when a mature conversation should have cleared the air. And to take that one step further, you said you have always brought up issues that were bothering you and were important to you. So for him to get bent out of shape and butt hurt three times in one month when you have always been upfront and forthcoming is disconcerting.

 

In nine months, this past one is the only time you've had these issues. Sounds like this behavior has come on rather suddenly. Has there been any major changes?

[spmh1017]

I'e been dating BF for about 9 months. Everything had been really smooth until about a month ago. Just a few talks to make sure we were on the same page. No fights, yelling, or any signs of being unhealthy.

 

In the last month I've experienced 3 episodes where BF was concerned I might be pulling away from the relationship, distanced himself, and acted butt hurt. These things had all been really slight deviations in our routine that I discussed with him or misunderstandings.The misunderstanding were things like I wanted to see him but wanted to do a different activity than what he proposed. But he heard I was rejecting him. Both of us have been very consistent the entire relationship so IMO there's no reason for this.

 

I have tried taking the understanding approach and have let BF know that unless he does certain deal breakers I will give him a chance to fix things that bother me and will tell him. He gets concerned that since I defer to him decisions I don't care about that I wouldn't tell him. Yet I have always brought up things that bothered me that were important to me.

 

I realize I can't make an insecure person secure but I was hoping to get some ideas on how to stop this downward spiral. I know the reality is he's getting deep emotionally and wants to know it's safe to do so. I want to be able reassure him but part of me wants to kick him in the butt to stop this nonsense too. If it gets worse it won't be something I will able to accept which makes me sad because otherwise it's a great relationship. I don't want it to seem like an ultimatum because that would probably make him feel more insecure. But I do want to get the point across to knock this off (i.e., the distancing, the looking for things wrong).

 

 

This kinda sounds like me and my GF (tho we have deeper problems lol)

 

7 months in and my insecurity rears its head cause I fell deep for her. I keep waiting for the carpet to get pulled out from under me the deeper I get.

 

I'm always in a honeymoon stage with the person I love and she just kinda got complacent.

 

Little things tho make me feel secure tho. Loving text out of the blue, gentle touching when we are together like rubbing my back, compliments etc..

I'm a bit needy I admit but some reassurance of how much she loves me, how attracted she is too me, how much she cares goes a long way..

 

Seriously, try sending a cute text out of the blue every day or two. Just a heart emoji with a "I got the buggest crush on you" lol

Or when your together place your hand on his leg or his back..

Look lovingly at him and tell him how incredibly handsome/sexy he is etc..

Give him a reassuring boost, it works for me lol

[Methodical]

Sorry MP, I managed to submit with this part omitted.

 

I, too, say give him a kick in the butt since you've clearly discussed and demonstrated your commitment to him and the relationship. If he continues to need reassurance or acts butt hurt over trivial matters, then there are bigger issues at hand.

[Methodical]

This kinda sounds like me and my GF (tho we have deeper problems lol)

 

7 months in and my insecurity rears its head cause I fell deep for her. I keep waiting for the carpet to get pulled out from under me the deeper I get.

 

I'm always in a honeymoon stage with the person I love and she just kinda got complacent.

 

Little things tho make me feel secure tho. Loving text out of the blue, gentle touching when we are together like rubbing my back, compliments etc..

I'm a bit needy I admit but some reassurance of how much she loves me, how attracted she is too me, how much she cares goes a long way..

 

Seriously, try sending a cute text out of the blue every day or two. Just a heart emoji with a "I got the buggest crush on you" lol

Or when your together place your hand on his leg or his back..

Look lovingly at him and tell him how incredibly handsome/sexy he is etc..

Give him a reassuring boost, it works for me lol

 

This is exactly what she is not wanting to have to do. She wants him to stand on his own two feet and realize his self-worth and what he brings to the table without having to coddle, validate or supply daily reassurances concerning her commitment to him.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Methodical

[katiegrl]

FWIW, I like jen's approach (long overdue IMO)..... and bless your heart Peach for wanting to work this out instead of kicking to the curb.....as I most certainly would have done. Arghh.

 

He needs to man up, grow up, and as you said, stop this nonsense. Or at least learn ways to contain his anxiety and insecurity so as NOT to burden you with what are essentially HIS issues to fix.

 

A woman should not have to constantly coddle her man emotionally, how utterly exhausting that would be, I cannot even imagine ... ...I have read your previous thread Peach, this is ridiculous.

 

From everything you have written, past and present, sounds like he has a bottomless pit, and no amount of reassurance from you will ever be enough to fill it. He will always need more.....continuing to drain you emotionally, until you have nothing left. BTDT.

 

Please be careful with this Ms. Peach..

 

Good luck....

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Miss Peach]

Jen - That is a good idea. This last time I went the reassuring route when we sat down and talked about it. It took awhile this time though even though it was something small that bothered him. Now I need to debate on whether to bring it up even though it's been several days or see if this last reassurance was enough to make him relax. I totally agree if it happens again I need to sit him down. But I'm debating whether to sit him down now or wait if something comes up again.

 

SPMH - I think what your described is exactly what is happening. I understand it being scary falling for someone and have been a little anxious at times myself but I realize it's my issue and have figured it out on my own how to deal with it and just enjoy the relationship. I already do a lot of the things you listed. If he were in a logical stance when these things happened it would be hard to deny how I feel by my actions. I realize he is instead slipping into feeling mode so logical arguments aren't working. The thing is talking to me about these things is OK. But I don't want to reinforce withdrawing, looking for nagativity, etc. is OK with me.

 

Methodical - I think you understand what I'm looking for. There have been 3 occasions within the last month he has pulled back and acted hurt. He still treats me well but he doesn't act normal. He'll be non-affectionate, see negative things that grow, etc. Previously there were no signs. Everything has gone very smoothly up until recently. Other than this, we have been very compatible, there had been chemistry, similar goals, compatible values, etc.

 

Katie - Yes you understand the issue. Since everything else has been great I'm hoping he's just stumbling around a little bit. So I'm prepared to give him a little room for that. But yes, if he can't get it under control I don't want to coddle him or have to shore him up. I did that during my marriage. I always thought I could do something to make my XH feel secure. But I learned it doesn't work that way. It needs to come from within. I'm trying to figure out the best way to reassure him but at the same time tell him dealing with things like this doesn't work for me. I did like Jen's approach.

[katiegrl]

Ms. Peach, not to pry, but can you give us some examples of things you do or don't do that cause him anxiety, insecurity and feeling like he wants to withdraw?

 

Reason I ask is because I am extremely independent, strong, and self-sufficient, and have been with men who have a very difficult time with this.

 

In response, they too, have dealt with it (their insecurity, anxiety) by withdrawing, not speaking to me, etc.

 

I found out later through therapy, that these men were actually very controlling, and their withdrawing, etc were their attempts to do just that. Controlling me.

 

Didn't work....it only served to turn me off because controlling men are weak, and weakness in men turns me off.

 

And if they were not withdrawing, they were faulting/criticizing me for not being attentive enough (i.e. attentive the way they needed me to be) which was essentially being available and at their beck and call 24/7.

 

They played the victim card, and I was the bad girlfriend who didn't give her bf enough attention.

 

That got old real fast.

 

They just could not handle feeling any uncertainty at all, and if they did, of course it was my fault, and I got punished (by their withdrawing).

 

I don't know if this is your situation, but thought I'd throw it out there.

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Maggie4]

A kick in the butt can correct a behavior, but not change a person. He will still be insecure, but he'll just know he's not allowed to act on that feeling. OP you have dealt with this before, so you must know how hopeless it is to reassure someone. He might feel secure for a day or two, and then it's the same thing all over again.

There is also a component of control. Usually we associate insecurity with weakness. But actually a lot of times the person acting out is not weak, s/he wants control and power. He may pull away to get that. You let this game of poor insecure guy go too far and pretty soon you find yourself walking on eggshells.

So yeah, see how it goes, if it continues like this, you have to know you can't change someone else.

[katiegrl]

A kick in the butt can correct a behavior, but not change a person. He will still be insecure, but he'll just know he's not allowed to act on that feeling. OP you have dealt with this before, so you must know how hopeless it is to reassure someone. He might feel secure for a day or two, and then it's the same thing all over again.

There is also a component of control. Usually we associate insecurity with weakness. But actually a lot of times the person acting out is not weak, s/he wants control and power. He may pull away to get that. You let this game of poor insecure guy go too far and pretty soon you find yourself walking on eggshells.

So yeah, see how it goes, if it continues like this, you have to know you can't change someone else.

 

Maggie, I agree (see my post prior to yours) ...however, controlling men *are* weak, which is why they need to exert control ....... to alleviate their insecurity and feeling weak.

 

Their *strength* in wanting control and power is a ruse.

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Maggie4]

Maggie, I agree (see my post prior to yours) ...however, controlling men *are* weak, which is why they need to exert control ....... to alleviate their insecurity and feeling weak.

 

Their *strength* in wanting control and power is a ruse.

 

No, I don't think controlling men are strong.

[katiegrl]

No, I don't think controlling men are strong.

 

Okay my bad.

 

You said you did not believe controlling = weakness (paraphrasing).... and since strong is the opposite of weak.....hence my assumption.

 

Apologies.

[Popsicle]

Just reassure him, it's not that hard.

[Tayla]

These are two adults. This promoting of "kick his butt" is rarely worthy of support. If a guy said he was going to do that to his lady, well...you get the idea.

 

Miss Peach- I didn't read specifically what deems him as insecure? He cries?

 

So here is my tip. Respect. Enjoy. And Be Civil.

[katiegrl]

Just reassure him, it's not that hard.

 

She does but then he reverts back, and needs more.

 

Bottomless pit of emptiness no amount of reassurance can fill.

 

Sounds like his issues go way deeper than that.

 

They usually do.

[Versacehottie]

I think you do just that - kick him in the butt. Sometimes we have to wear the pants when it comes to stuff like this, so being as you have the reassurance he's looking for and the wherewithal to get the message home, it's gonna be on you. (I don't know your BF obvs but it does sound like insecurity, and from what I know of you on here you're more than equal to the task.)

 

It doesn't have to be an ultimatum btw. Think of it like sitting a kid down to have a talk - you set aside any BS and strip it down to the bare facts. You're firm yet approachable. Most of all your love never waivers. Sth to the effect of "Listen to me. Look me in the eye. I'm not fading and have no intention of fading. I'd never treat you like that. But I need you to man up here and stand up stronger. This has to be a relationship where we hold each other up, so that means we both provide strength to the other. You don't have to worry about me that way, and I don't want to have to worry about you. Can you do that for me?"

 

Then of course if he starts crying or whatevs you know you have a serious problem but most likely he'll be comforted by your direct approach where you flex your girl-balls - guys can usually identify w/that.

 

I've done that very thing a time or two btw and it's worked out like I wanted.

 

Yes, do this. Also when i read the OP, what I hear at the heart of it, is that his insecurity, is not attractive to you and makes you lose feelings a bit for him. I hear you! You sound like you are really processing everything correctly with what you posted and now are just at the next step in trying to get him to stop the madness. If I were in your position, I would say something before his insecurity starts to really affect (point of no return) your feelings about him. I know from what you are saying his insecurity is not justified via anything you are doing. It could very well be that he is getting so close emotionally that he needs more reassurance from you at this point. Make sure that he understands it can be a turnoff (gently). Good luck

[Popsicle]

She does but then he reverts back, and needs more.

 

Bottomless pit of emptiness no amount of reassurance can fill.

 

Sounds like his issues go way deeper than that.

 

They usually do.

 

I don't know, insecurity doesn't bother me. I don't even see it as that.

[Methodical]

Sharing concerns and having a mature discussion is one thing. Needing validation and constant reassurance that she's committed after nine months of dating is another. When life throws a curveball and things don't go as planned, he's not flexible or realistic. Her actions, attentiveness, and track record should be validation enough.

[Popsicle]

I think she and her boyfriend are mismatched and will probably break up.

[Miss Peach]

I have a lot of experience with controlling men so I understand the concern and I don't get that sense from BF. But, yes. I totally agree that usually is something that goes hand and hand with insecurity.

 

The sense I get from BF is more that he is falling hard and just looking for signs that I'm there with him. About half of the firsts in our relationship he was ready before me. So that is where I suspect the insecurity is coming from. Again I don't expect him to be perfect. I just want to reinforce communication and trust over looking for signs that may or may not exist and interpret them to death like so many of the post on LS do. We talk pretty openly about everything without judgement so part of me was a bit surprised at his behavior recently.

 

The first incident he logically knew nothing was going on but emotionally felt that I might be pulling away when I didn't want to spend the night one night. Normally he gives me as much space as I need so his reaction surprised me. He tried to let it roll off him but I could tell something was on his mind. The other two incidences were similar things. Logically he knows that I show him I love him and tells me all the time how he notices that in the things I do for him. I just see him dip into his feelings sometimes. I am probably more logical than he is naturally and can stay in logic even when emotional.

 

We actually had a talk about something that segwayed into dating generalities and I actually said "So is that why you look for sign of things going wrong?". We wound up in a discussion about that. He even admitted before I even had to make the point that it's probably not attractive and he's doing that and should nip it in the bud. I think he gets it now at least.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Miss Peach]

One other thing I thought I would mention... BF has been put in the position of having to socialize with my exes, socialize with my guy friends (many who are my closest friends), guys hitting on me, being second place (behind the kid's needs), my industry is mostly men, me going to happy hour or taking calls/ texting with male coworkers, etc. He's been totally great in those situations and not insecure or needy at all. In fact he's been nothing but helpful and trying to make my life easier.

 

There has been an issue with a lot of my exes not being able to handle this stuff. BF has been great with it. This is another reason I believe it's not the typical self esteem issues I tend to see in insecure guys.

[jen1447]

Does he have some major breakup trauma in his history? That can stay with you for a lifetime.

[AnnaGem]

Perhaps your boyfriend was ok with your independence and your lifestyle when you guys were in the beginning stages of the relationship.

 

Some men (the controlling ones usually) seem to be open to a women's independence off the bat, but then the harder they fall for her, the more terrifying her independence gets and expectations of her "reigning it in" start to come out... hence perhaps why he was ok with you not staying over in the past, but now is bothered by it because you're more serious.

 

I would definitely sit and talk out expectations and make sure they align.

[Miss Peach]

Does he have some major breakup trauma in his history? That can stay with you for a lifetime.

 

It sounds like he stays in relationships way too long. He is definitely a relationship guy and he gets very attached in dating. A lot of his history is staying with people in multi-year relationships with major incompatibilities. It sounds like he fixed that with the last GF before me and broke it off early when it was apparent it wasn't going to work.

 

It seems most of his breakups were initiated by the woman. Only a few he initiated. His most traumatic breakup sounds like when his wife died suddenly (he's a widow). He seems to have moved on since that.