Dating Divorced.

[AMJ]

I've only dated one other man who was divorced. I met him while traveling for work, and was only going to be in his city for a month or so, and really didn't put much thought into the fact he was divorced, didn't want a serious relationship. But it was actually really nice, for awhile, to be with someone who knows how to be married. Most of my relationships have been with men who were terrified of commitment, so this was a new type of guy and experience. He was really attentive and secure with being close and intimate, but not needy. He was so respectful and considerate. He was ten or so years older than me, and treated me like I was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him. It was fun, to be with someone while they're experiencing single life for the first time in their adult life.

 

This particular guy, however, also hated his ex wife. I sensed the way he spoke of her that it was actually the opposite of hate. And a few months later, I was back in his city again, contact him, and he sends me the longest text message explaining he reconciled with his wife. It was unfortunate, but by no means a heartbreak.

 

So, I'm meeting divorced men online more often, and realizing I need to be more open-minded about dating them. A guy I'm talking to today however, is not even divorced yet. They filed a month ago, and still live together, and are in the process of selling their home. There's no possible way he could be ready to be dating seriously, right now, right?

 

He's saying that the emotional and physical relationship ended long ago...but they have a one year old baby. I know men are able to move past relationships more quickly, but...i just don't know.

 

He could have not disclosed the fact that he's separated and not yet divorced..but he offered this information right away, to make sure I was okay with it. I said, I'm not really sure, and then asked a few questions about why he even wants to date right now, so soon. Don't most men want to be single and maybe just have fun for awhile, after they get divorced?

 

So far, I'm more interested in him than the guy I'm meeting in about three hours, unfortunately. I really wish he had said he'd been divorced for a year or two. It just seems crazy to think someone could be ready to date so soon.

 

A few years ago, I'd never even bother speaking to a man who had children or was divorced, but after experiencing a relationship with someone who never wants a family, I'm now really attracted to these guys. If I could meet a single man who'd never been married and had no children, who acted the same way and communicated the same way as a man who's been married and has children, I'd be in heaven.

[candie13]

never settle. never date anyone who shares their place with their ex/ current gf. Never date anyone who hasn't had a rebound after a significant RS. NEver date anyone who hasn't been officially divorced.

 

I dated a divorced man who hates the institution of marriage and by transfer believed all RS will end in break up, no marriage will ever last and courts favor mothers so before we even started talking about conceiving a baby, he was all revolted about how the court favors women in the case of separation. Yup, fundamental women hater. I didn't walk, I ran.

 

Divorced men are just as full of problems than those who never married. More, because they have already failed one marriage and have experienced the trauma of a divorce.

[Popsicle]

If he's not legally fully divorced yet, run away.

[joseb]

 

Don't most men want to be single and maybe just have fun for awhile, after they get divorced?

 

So far, I'm more interested in him than the guy I'm meeting in about three hours, unfortunately. I really wish he had said he'd been divorced for a year or two. It just seems crazy to think someone could be ready to date so soon.

 

Yeah I think most guys after an LTR ends either do that, or avoid dating, or else grab onto another branch immediately to fill a void. None of these are good for the person they meet if they want something long term.

 

I think you are right not to just write off divorced guys.

 

But in this case, still living with the ex? Nah, too much trouble.

 

Just to address the last point - if you are not interested in meeting someone then don't arrange to meet them. It's a recipe for burnout.

[DoesntGetIt]

When I was going through my divorce, I thought I was ready really soon after the separation (we didn't live together like this guy) and I got involved in something that I didn't even really plan on.

 

I realized, as the new thing was going badly, that I wasn't ready. My head was not where it needed to be, and I wasn't ready to think clearly about any new relationship.

 

So he may be being honest with what he believes, but I think he will discover that he isn't anywhere near as ready as he thinks he is. It took me about a year (which was also about how long it took the divorce to be final, just because that process is long as hell) to have my head on straight and really be able to think about dating in a real way.

 

 

 

I will say not to write off divorced guys as someone else kind of hinted at. My divorce was also my first serious relationship that failed (we were together a total of 14 years). And failing a relationship made me realize A LOT more about relationships than I did from having a long term successful one. I am far more open and communicate more, ask more questions, share more info, and think about things in a deeper and clearer way.

 

Sometimes failure is a much better learning tool than success is.

[joseb]

So he may be being honest with what he believes, but I think he will discover that he isn't anywhere near as ready as he thinks he is.

.

 

Yeah this is usually the case. People think they are ready, until they realise they aren't!

[FadedSign52]

After my divorce I was not ready to date someone seriously for at least a year. I agree with the previous posters stay well clear of someone who is recently divorced or even worse just separated. No matter what they may tell you they are NOT ready to date. There are exceptions of course but why do you want to risk putting yourself through the ringer?

 

Men that have been divorced for a while though should be just find to date. We all make mistakes in life

 

Stay clear of anyone who always speaks very poorly and/or constantly of their ex'es though.

[AMJ]

Yeah....I know. I'm so bummed! I never like people this much. This is all true, and I already knew it. I can't wait a year to go out with someone. He will probably just go through a rebound or three before he realizes he needs to be single for a minute...I hate timing sometimes. I'm also stubborn and stupid enough to go out with him at least once anyways.

 

Divorced men are very new territory for me. And I'm learning that I really like the way they communicate. All single men who want to have a family should start talking to married men for advice. It's like, dating a husband, who's already concerned about your needs before you're even in a relationship. But in the back of my mind I'm always wondering- why didn't your marriage work? What could have been so terrible with whatever beautiful woman you decided to have children with, that didn't work out? It's not like I'm perfect either...and if you didn't want to make it work with her, why would you look past my faults?

[joseb]

I'm also stubborn and stupid enough to go out with him at least once anyways.

 

 

If you do do that, after reading the advice here and realising that it's true, then yeah you are being silly!

 

You will probably end up falling for him, waste weeks or months where suitable guys were ignored, and end up heartbroken.

[AMJ]

If you do do that, after reading the advice here and realising that it's true, then yeah you are being silly!

 

You will probably end up falling for him, waste weeks or months where suitable guys were ignored, and end up heartbroken.

 

That's really possible, from just one date? JK. I know it is.

 

 

So, divorced is okay, but one or two years later, is the consensus?

[Shining One]

So, divorced is okay, but one or two years later, is the consensus?

I agree with this. When I'm looking for sexual flings that I know will go nowhere, I look for recent divorcees. I have yet to be disappointed.

[joseb]

I agree with this. When I'm looking for sexual flings that I know will go nowhere, I look for recent divorcees. I have yet to be disappointed.

 

Maybe I'll focus on recent divorcees then

 

Amj, apologies if you are not looking for long term,

I thought you were but maybe I'm wrong,

In that case go for it

[DivorcedDad123]

No way I'd date anyone who's just filed a month ago and still lives with their spouse.

How long has he been married? If its any longer length of time, he's going to need to find out who he is while living alone for a time. He needs to experience being completely independant. Cooking, cleaning, working, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc., before he jumps into having another partner help with those things. And, with a one year old, he's going to have to care for the child. On his own.

I'd be worried that he's looking for someone to help pick up his slack.

[findingmyway93]

Me and my ex fell inlove when we were 16,through the years..i hurt him..we were together until we were 20/21.I used to leave him at times for other people,thats where our physical altercations led to..one resulting in me getting a restraining order and him catching a charge.He used to always ask me to come back..he even pleaded with me..i didnt listen.smh ive always been inlove with him,i just didnt know how to slow down.I needed time to grow up, i went ahead and got engaged again..But the guy i was with..i cared for him..but i wasnt inlove with him..i was inlove with my ex..and i knew that..smh i couldnt marry the new guy..I knew i wanted to marry my ex..I made a dumb decision..I begin to look for my ex and it just so happened that he came out of the blue and called me..after an arguement with his new gf..which shes 26 and he just turned 22..She spit on him,in response to him checking her phone.sigh..we link back up..and im elated to talk to him..i miss him..but the dilema begins..he loves her and me..we dragged this on from january until today..he told me he was still inlove with me..i asked him so many times..but today he told me he chooses her..and hes inlove with her..and that i should of thought about that..and how much he suffered..and that he would be there..when i got there to him.im in georgia right now..hes in charlotte..help please.

[AMJ]

No way I'd date anyone who's just filed a month ago and still lives with their spouse.

How long has he been married? If its any longer length of time, he's going to need to find out who he is while living alone for a time. He needs to experience being completely independant. Cooking, cleaning, working, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc., before he jumps into having another partner help with those things. And, with a one year old, he's going to have to care for the child. On his own.

I'd be worried that he's looking for someone to help pick up his slack.

 

They've been married at least eight years. They have three kids. That makes me think...three? Couldn't you realize that something wasn't working after the first child and then go your separate ways, but now you have two more? I feel like it's not my business to ask why their marriage didn't work, but he's said I can ask any questions I feel the need to ask.

 

He sent me a long email answering my questions. And it's really refreshing to meet someone who's so open about their situation, since I've had the unfortunate experience of well, being lied to more than once. He ends his long email with- I completely understand if you think my situation is nuts and don't want to talk to me.

 

He's not the last man on earth, and I have other options.

[AMJ]

I take it all back. Oh man. That was way more trouble than it was worth for one date.

 

I'm kind of still processing what just happened with this guy. For the past few days he has been intense, trying to convince me to go out with him. I had concerns about his situation, so he offered to answer any and all questions I have. Naturally I started asking some questions. What went wrong with the marriage? How is the living together while separated and being parents arrangement actually work? Is there an exit plan, i.e. will they ever live apart?

 

So he answered all these questions in detail- in email. I got a little bit sucked in to the story, I'll admit. And then he starts with all of this texting like we're already in a relationship. And I realized, he's just attention-starved at this point, he's so excited to have a female communicate with him. He's putting so much pressure on our date, talking about how strong this connection is, how nervous he is to meet me. At this point I'm beginning to feel a little suffocated. I wanted to say- relax! We haven't even met each other!

 

But he's already made childcare plans to meet me for dinner, and I can't just cancel on this guy who sent me his entire failed marriage story in email...and I think it's rude to flake on dates. So I go on this over-hyped date. And it really wasn't terrible at all. He's nice, good looking, smart, sounds like a great dad. But just absolutely zero chemistry.

I miss chemistry so much. The end.

[Blanco]

I will offer a counterpoint, and anyone familiar with my story will probably guess where this is going.

 

A year ago, my recent ex-gf of three years started dating an older man where she worked (large company, totally separate departments) who was in the process of divorce from a marriage of nearly 20 years. Each has two children. They come from separate worlds, both financially and culturally. His STBX had filed about eight months before and the divorce would still not be finalized for a few months. By all accounts, this was a disaster waiting to happen.

 

That was a year ago and, as far as I know, they are still together sharing a life. I have removed myself from the information pipeline, but I know things progressed quickly (him seeing her several nights a week, and eventually staying the night at her place when he didn't have his kids). It had the makings of a crash and burn scenario, but here we are a year later and it's still going on.

 

Obviously I have no knowledge of the nature of the current relationship, but it's lasted way longer than pretty much anyone who knew her thought it would.

 

I think, sometimes, it's your life circumstances that play a bigger part in a relationship's chances than something such as a breakup or divorce.

 

My ex, though younger than him by about 15 years, already has kids and doesn't want more. She doesn't really care about getting married, again, since she already has children. Emotionally, she's more like the stereotypical guy in that she isn't big on lovey dovey stuff and would rather you clean her gutters than write her a sappy love letter or buy her a gift. She doesn't have low standards, but she's pretty much always been in a relationship since high school, even if it was just a casual one. A lot of these things would potentially be deal-breakers for some guys (they were eventually for me), but for a guy like the now-divorced dude, who was basically married his entire adult life and was facing the horrifying prospect in his mid-40s of single life for the first time? A warm, low-maintenance, pretty body like my ex is a godsend.

 

It may not go on forever, BUT, I'm sure neither will really regret the experiences this now-year-long relationship has provided them.

 

Your mileage may vary.

[edgygirl]

Same here... started to get more into divorced men lately. It feels... so different with them. They do know how to treat a woman although they are more nonchalant sometimes in an annoying way

 

I don't think single men like this exist in our age range :/

 

Also, I go slowly with men who have just been divorced. My sis met her husband 3 months after his divorce and they've been together for over 30 years but I think that's an exception.

 

A few years ago, I'd never even bother speaking to a man who had children or was divorced, but after experiencing a relationship with someone who never wants a family, I'm now really attracted to these guys. If I could meet a single man who'd never been married and had no children, who acted the same way and communicated the same way as a man who's been married and has children, I'd be in heaven.

[Blanco]

I take it all back. Oh man. That was way more trouble than it was worth for one date.

 

I'm kind of still processing what just happened with this guy. For the past few days he has been intense, trying to convince me to go out with him. I had concerns about his situation, so he offered to answer any and all questions I have. Naturally I started asking some questions. What went wrong with the marriage? How is the living together while separated and being parents arrangement actually work? Is there an exit plan, i.e. will they ever live apart?

 

So he answered all these questions in detail- in email. I got a little bit sucked in to the story, I'll admit. And then he starts with all of this texting like we're already in a relationship. And I realized, he's just attention-starved at this point, he's so excited to have a female communicate with him. He's putting so much pressure on our date, talking about how strong this connection is, how nervous he is to meet me. At this point I'm beginning to feel a little suffocated. I wanted to say- relax! We haven't even met each other!

 

The guy I mentioned in my post was pretty much exactly like this. I was still hanging around my ex (we had already broken up) the first couple weeks this guy was first in the picture and he would BLOW UP her phone with constant texting. On their first date, he made allusions how he could eventually take her on his work business trips (he's a high exec at this large company, so he travels a lot for work) and stuff like that. My ex is really attractive and this guy is just sort of a dweeby, non-descript middle-aged guy, so for someone like my ex to not only show interest, but be the one to first initiate the romantic element; well, I'm sure it was like a recovering drug addict having a line of cocaine laid out in front of them.

 

Initially, my ex seemed almost cautious about his intense interest, but that obviously subsided.

 

Again, your mileage may vary, but I think that sometimes, the recently divorced just have totally eroded social skills in the realm of dating, if they ever had them to begin with, and the end result is that they come on really strong.

[Sara1989]

When I separated from my husband, after a couple of weeks he was on an dating site and met his now girlfriend. My ex admits to me he hates being alone and needs to be in an relationship, my brother the same actually and these men are committed in relationships but hate being alone.

 

My ex is still with his girlfriend a year on, even though legally we are still married.

 

I myself started dating because I felt **** my ex moved on so quickly, it was the wrong time for me as it was just to fill a void. I don't know what it is with this guy but if you want give him a chance, go ahead but tell him to slow down!

[Otter2569]

AMJ, marriages fail for a lot of reasons: sometimes you just grow apart, some people are unfaithful, sometimes you realize you married the wrong person. No reason to give up on married guys - just scree them like you would anyone else.

 

Typically I would not date anyone whos not divorced and still living with their ex.

 

However, that was also me. For financial reasons (she was looking for a job)my ex and I lived together for a year. I met a woman a few months prior to my divorce date and we really hit it off. On date 2 I came clean. She trusted me and we dated exclusively for over 2 years.

 

Use your best judgement and trust your gut.

[TheBladeRunner]

Just experienced something similar, but not that involved yet. Man meets woman online, profile says "divorced", second date yields truth she is NOT divorced, man is concerned.....After a two hour conversation I knew he didn't live with her, but he definitely STILL had major control....she is NOT truly available and I need to pass. If they are not divorced run like the wind.