Hopes, fears, new attitude

[Zahara]

Sent his gate sticker and his daughters iPod via ups. He should be receiving it tomorrow. I felt kind of stupid mailing it when his house is in the same city, but I didn't want to go anywhere near his house.

 

You did the right thing by sending it through the mail. And don't follow up with any sort of communication as to whether he received it and even if he reaches out, thanking you or what not, ignore it.

 

I should see him for what he is.

 

Yes, it's hard when you are driven by emotions. You will most times romanticize and idealize what you had with him and who he is but as you gradually detach, you'll start to see things in a different light. It's just going to take some time.

 

 

I need to have more self confidence in myself. There's nothing wrong with me. I am educated, in shape, and I don't have any baggage. I've just made very bad choices when it has come to relationships.

 

Been there and done that. Chose wrong men. Stayed too long in bad relationships. It's taken time for me to be where I am today. You will get there too as long as you keep choosing to invest in yourself.

 

I am hurt, I miss them, I want to cry, and I'll probably never hear from them again, but I have to move on.

 

I was in a relationship with a man with kids. I grew very attached to them. It hurt me so bad to know that I may never see them again when we ended. You'll get through it. There will come a day when you will think of them fondly but without the hurt and pain.

[ksol9]

It's funny because when I first met him, I was very hesitant because he had children and custody of them too. My parents warned me that there would be many challenges, but in my usual fashion, I chose to learn this on my own. He was very persistent and he didn't give up. When I expressed I wanted to take things slowly, he kept assuring me that he would never lead me wrong. He certainly made me feel like we had a future and that he took me seriously. Somewhere along the way his feelings changed or maybe I began to see his true feelings. I don't know if this has always been his intention, but ultimately his intention was not to settle down. We moved too quickly and I got burned. I created a bond with those children that has now been ripped away from me. It hurts like hell, but I'm not their mother and they will manage just fine with their father. Life goes on. I have to keep reminding myself that this is what he wants. This is how he wants to live. The both of us had this on our minds. It was not only him questioning the breakup. We both were contemplating it, I keep thinking, if I had made the decision to leave again, I probably would be right back over there apologizing. This happened for a reason. It happened for all of this to stop and to bring about change. This will be the first time in my life that I am actively making efforts to make changes within myself. It makes me sad that I lost them, but at the same time, I'm excited about the changes that I'm about to make for myself.

[Methodical]

He was very persistent and he didn't give up. When I expressed I wanted to take things slowly, he kept assuring me that he would never lead me wrong.

 

Here's another little tidbit coming to light. Initially he was very persistent and somewhere along the line, he became dormant and relied on you to "make the first move" when there were issues.

 

He is playing childish games...promised to call but never did, FB comments about having to cook his own meals, riding by your work that is on a dead in street. Girlfriend, I know it hurts, but you deserve better than this. You have ambitions and he was content to sit on the deck, smoke weed, drink beer, and let you care for his children.

 

Keep looking forward, put one foot in front of the other. You miss the life you had hoped to have with him, but that was a fantasy.

[Zahara]

He was very persistent and he didn't give up. When I expressed I wanted to take things slowly, he kept assuring me that he would never lead me wrong. He certainly made me feel like we had a future and that he took me seriously. Somewhere along the way his feelings changed or maybe I began to see his true feelings.

 

Future faking is a way to accelerate the relationship. It's a way to get someone to attach and commit. Once that happens and it seems like you're not going anywhere, things start to change.

 

It hurts like hell, but I'm not their mother and they will manage just fine with their father.

 

Yes, children often move on faster than we think. Plus, they have him, family, friends, etc. to support and love them. They will be fine.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that this is what he wants. This is how he wants to live.

 

No, this is not how YOU want to live. This is also about you and the choice you are making to take charge of your own life and the goals you have for yourself.

[ksol9]

You're right zahara. This is not how I want to live my life. I deserve so much more. I haven't done anything wrong, so I should stop punishing myself. I wish I could change my mindset. Wish it was easy. It's like I've been going back and forth between anger and sadness..maybe it's both. I wish I could just not care. Why can't I stop looking for something that isn't there anymore...something that isn't coming back. This is not like the other times where we go on silent treatments with eachother for 1-2 weeks and then I go back. This is so much different. He wants nothing to do with me why cant I have those same feelings. I feel so betrayed and abandoned. He just walked right out of my life. I've been feeling anxiety lately. I've been doing too much thinking. The package with his gate key and his daughters iPod will deliver today, I cringe just at the thought of him opening the package. He's going to be relieved this is taking its course and that we are no longer getting back together is becoming a reality. Each day that passes is one more day that we are not working towards reconciliation. I'm trying to convince myself that I no longer want this for myself. I'm not going to try to contact him. I'm going to leave it all alone. Please tell me its only a matter of time. Please tell me how to be more patient with myself.

Edited February 25, 2016 by ksol9

[Zahara]

Please tell me its only a matter of time. Please tell me how to be more patient with myself.

 

Everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. One day you'll feel mad, then sad, then relieved, then mad again -- these emotions will cycle through and they will come in waves. It's going to be this way for awhile. Read up on the Stages of Grief -- because grief is actually what you're feeling. It will help you understand that all you feel is normal. When you feel this way, let those emotions come, feel it and embrace it. And it will pass. It is a process that we all have had to go through but trust that it will slowly get you to a place of healing and peace. You just have to stay strong, work through your emotions and stay the NC path.

 

It's still all very fresh and it isn't going to just go away so it is going to take time and what you do with that time is also important. Write a list of goals you wish to accomplish. Things you want to do. Changes you want to make in your life. Introspect on your behavior and why you stayed and why you tolerated. What do you need to change about yourself so that you make better decisions down the line. Start channeling your energy on you.

 

This is the time to be kind to yourself. This is the time to be patient with yourself. Pamper you. Do nice things for yourself. I mean it. We invest so much in others that by the time all is said and done, we've done nothing for ourselves. You deserve it.

Edited February 25, 2016 by Zahara

[ksol9]

You understand me fully and my assumption is that you've been through this before. I don't think I've ever had a bf sit me down and say please move on with your life..it's for the best. I've always been the one to walk away from my relationships, no matter how long I stayed, I found it in myself one day and just got up and left. I dealt with the grief of it all from a different side of things. Now I feel karma is rearing its ugly head. I went to the courthouse today to pick up documents from the tax collectors office, as I walked by the building, I looked my reflection in the window, I look so unkept. I'm just dragging my feet. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm all alone. I don't want to feel sorry for myself nor do I want to be angry. I just want to be ok. I want to make good decisions about my life and what I am going to do soon. I don't feel like this is all very fresh. It's been a week. One week will become 2 and then 3.

 

I have to let go in order to grow. I don't want to be angry or bitter. I understand.

[Zahara]

You understand me fully and my assumption is that you've been through this before. I don't think I've ever had a bf sit me down and say please move on with your life..it's for the best. I've always been the one to walk away from my relationships, no matter how long I stayed, I found it in myself one day and just got up and left. I dealt with the grief of it all from a different side of things. Now I feel karma is rearing its ugly head. I went to the courthouse today to pick up documents from the tax collectors office, as I walked by the building, I looked my reflection in the window, I look so unkept. I'm just dragging my feet. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm all alone. I don't want to feel sorry for myself nor do I want to be angry. I just want to be ok. I want to make good decisions about my life and what I am going to do soon. I don't feel like this is all very fresh. It's been a week. One week will become 2 and then 3.

 

I have to let go in order to grow. I don't want to be angry or bitter. I understand.

 

Yes, I've been through hell and back a few times in my life and I care not to go back there again. Drained myself in bad relationships and invested myself in situations that gave me nothing back. Lessons learned but I had to learn them the hard way. It's been a long time now that I've been single and enjoying my life -- coming from someone that couldn't be alone, that had to be in a relationship to feel complete and was absolutely petrified of not being loved. All that has changed and for the first time in my life, I love my aloneness.

 

One reason why this hits home is because I stayed in bad relationships for too long eventhough I wanted a family, children and in trying to obsessively fix what was already broken, I invested years I cannot get back now and my hopes for children, are bleak. You're 31. If you want ABC in your life. Strive for that and if you find yourself in a situation that isn't sustaining you or supporting your goals, get out.

 

After removing myself from a bad relationship, I remember one day looking at myself in the mirror and I looked like I aged decades. Always ran myself ragged for others. Didn't care to dress well. Didn't wash my hair sometimes for days. Didn't have the energy to even put some mascara on. All because I was consumed by him and all the drama. I know how you feel.

 

Feel sorry if you want to and feel angry if you want to. Don't try and feel something you don't. You need to process your emotions and not suppress them because at some point it will resurface! So, feel it. Cry, scream, kick, mope...do it all. Let it out of your system.

 

You'll fully let go when it's time but for now, work on yourself.

[ksol9]

To read what you wrote about obsessively trying to fix what was already broken and your hopes for children are bleak is eye opening for me. That could very well be me. That is who I am. I will try relentlessly because I want things to work. Had he not put a stop to things, I would have kept trying to make things work. Precious time would continue to be wasted on a relationship that was not going to produce children, much less happiness. What hope am I holding on to. There is none. It's over. I need to work on myself so I can get this right. This is so much pressure. I don't want to start over. I wish I could rewind time. If only I could have done things differently. Even further, I should have never started this relationship with him. I should have trusted my instincts. They have never lead me wrong. Everything that I had always felt deep down inside, came to fruition. Why in the world would I ever want to put myself back in a situation like that. I don't think he is a bad person, but I think he is a person who just took advantage of all that I was willing to give. People lose feelings all the time. He lost what he felt for me somewhere along the way. I need to accept this is apart of life and it happened the way it did for a reason.

[Zahara]

I should have trusted my instincts. They have never lead me wrong.

 

Yes. Absolutely, moving forward.

[ksol9]

Thank you zahara. You are helping me tremendously.

 

Today has been especially hard for me. I didn't realize that sending his belongings back would create this kind of set back for me. I had anxiety all day today because I knew he would receive the package today. I knew I would receive no response, but just the fact that we are both actively closing doors hurts. Hurt more than I thought it would. After a good cry, I realized I can not stop this. It is happening. It happened. Our relationship ended. That life ended and he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm just praying for strength. I'm having a really rough day.

[ksol9]

It's been a week since the break up. I've experienced few highs, but for the most part it's been mostly extreme lows. Today though, today brought something new. Yesterday, I had a break down. Felt like I took a turn for the worse. I packaged his belongings and mailed them back to him although we live in the same city. I couldn't face him or even go near the house. Just didn't feel comfortable. It delivered yesterday and I had really bad anxiety about it. So many things were running through my head. What is he going to think? Is he good to see it as an indication that I'm moving on? I was overwhelmed with thoughts. Thank god yesterday is over. Today, I woke up with a different mindset. I kept thinking about he lied to me for many months. Lied about his feelings for me. Lied about being in love. I'm not angry or bitter, but I don't see him in the best light at the moment. Am I having moments of clarity? Or is this part of the process. All the "excuses", because that's what they were, he gave for ending the relationship was just all bulls***. He wanted out and didn't want to make a commitment. He knew I was catching on. I pressed on about the future of our relationship and he realized the end was near. I had figured him out. Do I think he'll back? No way. When I look at things rationally, I see I've been very unrealistic. He wasn't good to me. He lied to me for a long time and he was very unfair to me. I should be very angry with him, but I'm far from that. I'm just feeling like he's a total piece of you know what. I even changed his name to jerk on my phone. Don't know how this mentality with last, but I've got to hold on to something to move on with my life.

 

Since the breakup, I said I would start exercising and that I would make a real effort to change my life. Today was the first day I was able to get out for a nice long walk. I'm doing so much thinking, so much reflecting. Something had to change. I had to make a change in my life. That is probably the best thing he did. He ended it because I probably wouldn't have been able to follow through with it. Although I was questioning the relationship, I'm so relentless, I would have continued to try to fix. The brick wall that he built was really the best thing he could have done. That is about all I will give him credit for. Everything else, I do not respect. I kept saying I have to respect his wishes...I don't. I really don't. The life he wants for himself and his children is not a life I respect and maybe he will be able to make it work with someone else. Regardless, it's not a life for me. If he wasn't willing and able to give me the life I wanted, then he is not worth it. I am worth it. I am deserving. He is not deserving of someone like me. I spoiled him and he took full advantage. In a way, that is my fault. Little by little, I am seeing the situation for what it is. I'm seeing him for what he is.

 

I miss them, but I think what has happened has changed a lot of things in my mind about what I want and what I'm willing to put up with. The more I put my emotions in check, the more I'm seeing this loss is really my rebirth. I'm going to be a better person because of this...mark my word.

[Redhead14]

It's been a week since the break up. I've experienced few highs, but for the most part it's been mostly extreme lows. Today though, today brought something new. Yesterday, I had a break down. Felt like I took a turn for the worse. I packaged his belongings and mailed them back to him although we live in the same city. I couldn't face him or even go near the house. Just didn't feel comfortable. It delivered yesterday and I had really bad anxiety about it. So many things were running through my head. What is he going to think? Is he good to see it as an indication that I'm moving on? I was overwhelmed with thoughts. Thank god yesterday is over. Today, I woke up with a different mindset. I kept thinking about he lied to me for many months. Lied about his feelings for me. Lied about being in love. I'm not angry or bitter, but I don't see him in the best light at the moment. Am I having moments of clarity? Or is this part of the process. All the "excuses", because that's what they were, he gave for ending the relationship was just all bulls***. He wanted out and didn't want to make a commitment. He knew I was catching on. I pressed on about the future of our relationship and he realized the end was near. I had figured him out. Do I think he'll back? No way. When I look at things rationally, I see I've been very unrealistic. He wasn't good to me. He lied to me for a long time and he was very unfair to me. I should be very angry with him, but I'm far from that. I'm just feeling like he's a total piece of you know what. I even changed his name to jerk on my phone. Don't know how this mentality with last, but I've got to hold on to something to move on with my life.

 

Since the breakup, I said I would start exercising and that I would make a real effort to change my life. Today was the first day I was able to get out for a nice long walk. I'm doing so much thinking, so much reflecting. Something had to change. I had to make a change in my life. That is probably the best thing he did. He ended it because I probably wouldn't have been able to follow through with it. Although I was questioning the relationship, I'm so relentless, I would have continued to try to fix. The brick wall that he built was really the best thing he could have done. That is about all I will give him credit for. Everything else, I do not respect. I kept saying I have to respect his wishes...I don't. I really don't. The life he wants for himself and his children is not a life I respect and maybe he will be able to make it work with someone else. Regardless, it's not a life for me. If he wasn't willing and able to give me the life I wanted, then he is not worth it. I am worth it. I am deserving. He is not deserving of someone like me. I spoiled him and he took full advantage. In a way, that is my fault. Little by little, I am seeing the situation for what it is. I'm seeing him for what he is.

 

I miss them, but I think what has happened has changed a lot of things in my mind about what I want and what I'm willing to put up with. The more I put my emotions in check, the more I'm seeing this loss is really my rebirth. I'm going to be a better person because of this...mark my word.

 

You go, Girl! You are on the right path. Stick with this attitude and you will do well. Acceptance is liberating.

[ksol9]

It is liberating, but I hope it's not short lived. I've been on a roller coaster for the past week. Haven't spoken to him other than the text about returning his things. I don't have any urge to call or text him. I hope I can hold on to this attitude, because this attitude is the truth.

 

Honestly, I feel like getting away for the weekend. I feel like going out and having a fun night, but that isn't going to take away the pain. I am in an unstable emotional state and I feel like I susceptible to making bad decisions. Maybe it's better to stay in and continue to nurture myself.

[Redhead14]

It is liberating, but I hope it's not short lived. I've been on a roller coaster for the past week. Haven't spoken to him other than the text about returning his things. I don't have any urge to call or text him. I hope I can hold on to this attitude, because this attitude is the truth.

 

Honestly, I feel like getting away for the weekend. I feel like going out and having a fun night, but that isn't going to take away the pain. I am in an unstable emotional state and I feel like I susceptible to making bad decisions. Maybe it's better to stay in and continue to nurture myself.

 

You are in the process of grieving just like a death. Some people find it useful to set aside a period of time each day, say 15 minutes to half an hour, to simply sit with/allow yourself to feel your feelings. At the end of that time, you force yourself to do something else, anything else -- clean out a closet, chest of drawers, draw a hot bath. Over the course of time, you will find that you need less and less time to sit with those feelings. You do need to honor your feelings. Don't try to completely squelch them.

 

I am in an unstable emotional state and I feel like I susceptible to making bad decisions. Maybe it's better to stay in and continue to nurture myself.

 

Although you are feeling "unstable", your mindset is clear and spot on.

 

I don't have any urge to call or text him -- You will likely reach a point where that happens. Resist it with every ounce of strength you have. If you get that urge, call someone else -- your Mom, your sister/brother, a friend, anybody else. When I went through these kinds of things -- I'd call and set up appointments for things I needed -- car repairs, doctor appointments, things I'd been putting off. It's a proactive/productive way of managing that urge.

[ksol9]

I can't do this. I'm having such a hard time. I wake up in the middle of the night every night and I can't go back to sleep. I'm awake just thinking about him. Missing them so much. How can he move on so easily? How can he carry on with life as usual? I mean life does go on, but how does he not feel what I'm feeling?

 

This is constantly weighing on my heart and mind. Why won't these feelings subside? It's been a week already. This should be getting better, but I still feel like it's the day after the breakup. I wish my mindset and attitude could change. It did, but it didn't last for long. I broke down and now I'm back at square one. No matter what, I still find myself feeling the pain of losing them. This is so painful. What else can I do to make things better for myself? I going to continue exercising and reading. I post here regularly and it helps to write down my feelings, but what else?

[Zahara]

I can't do this. I'm having such a hard time. I wake up in the middle of the night every night and I can't go back to sleep. I'm awake just thinking about him. Missing them so much. How can he move on so easily? How can he carry on with life as usual? I mean life does go on, but how does he not feel what I'm feeling?

 

It's normal. We've all been through those first thoughts of him when waking, last thought when sleeping, bad dreams, good dreams, sleepless nights, the anxiety in the mornings, etc. -- this is part and parcel of grieving.

 

He can move on so easily because his level of attachment and investment in you isn't the same as what you feel for him. Imagine you being in a relationship with someone that you aren't invested in anymore -- you would be able to walk away. You can't compare yourself to him as to how you value the relationship.

 

This is constantly weighing on my heart and mind. Why won't these feelings subside? It's been a week already. This should be getting better, but I still feel like it's the day after the breakup. I wish my mindset and attitude could change. It did, but it didn't last for long. I broke down and now I'm back at square one. No matter what, I still find myself feeling the pain of losing them. This is so painful. What else can I do to make things better for myself? I going to continue exercising and reading. I post here regularly and it helps to write down my feelings, but what else?

 

A week is nothing. It's going to take some months for you to feel some relief. Realistically, it is going to get worse before it gets better. As I said to you before, your emotions will come in waves. Not consistent but fluctuating. One day sad, one day determined, one day mad, one day depressed, etc. The pain is going to be there for awhile. You can't undo years of emotional and mental investment in days. You can't fast forward the process.

 

Continue exercising and reading. Go for walks, take a drive -- get out of the house if you can because it helps distract you and the fresh air will do you good. You mentioned that you were thinking of taking a trip. Do it. It helped me a lot. If you love volunteering, check out programs in your area. Take a class whether educational or recreational. Meditating was something that really helped me during those difficult times - join a meditation class. I took it up to help with my healing and I've been doing it ever since.

 

What do you have planned for this weekend?

Edited February 27, 2016 by Zahara

[ksol9]

I don't have anything in particular planned. I don't really have the motivation to do anything. I just want to sit in my room. I have this heavy feeling in my chest. I thought I was doing so well. For some reason, I think all of that reflecting I was doing, brought me back to a dark place. I think I kept telling myself over and over that it's unrealistic to think this could actually turn out ok. I held on to that a for a bit and then all of a sudden I broke down in the shower. Plus I would look forward to the weekends. He and I didn't have work and this was dedicated family time. Now he is enjoying family time without me. I am alone. How did I set myself up for this? Why did I make such a foolish decision to be in a relationship with this man? My instincts told me it was wrong from the beginning. It's not like I wasn't experienced enough. It's not like I was too young to understand. I don't have a single excuse to say I shouldn't have known better.

 

I think what brought back this sadness was me realizing there is no hope. As the days go by, I keep reminding myself that there is none and there is no point in holding on to hope. Chances are very slim. It's not based on the type of person he is or what has happened prior in our relationship. It is the circumstance in which the relationship ended that makes me see there is no way either one of us will go back.

 

I just want to curl up in my room for the rest of the day. I want this anxiety in my chest to go away. It's getting worse and I know anxiety all to well. Emotionally I am not doing well. How can I work on myself when everything in my mind is such a mess? I can't think clearly.

[Zahara]

It's going to take time, ksol. There is no quick fix. For awhile you will feel this way. The up and down. There is no escaping those emotions. You just have to let them come, and like waves, it will go only to recycle again.

 

If you have no energy to to do anything but sit at home, then you are allowed. This is you grieving. Allow yourself the time feel your despair. It's only been a week so if you need to just stay in and feel your sadness, then do it. But if you can't nourish yourself emotionally and mentally, you have to physically. Make sure you hydrate -- lots of fluids. The crying will really drain you. Eat eventhough you don't have your appetite. You have to take care of yourself.

 

Everything you are feeling is normal. It is NOT an indication that you will never get over this or that you will always remain stagnant. With pain comes growth.

 

Please read up on the Stages of Grief. It will help you understand that what you're feeling is part and parcel of healing.

[ksol9]

Nothing in life is permanent. Relationships come and go. Emotions come and go. There is no doubt in my mind that I'll feel better in time. I'm just afraid. All the possibilities. Good and bad. I wish I could go back, but I have to believe this happened for a reason. I need to let this take its course. I can't tell you how many times I just want to send him a text, saying how much I love him or miss him, but I remind myself how inappropriate that would be. I don't think I'd ever get to actually sending it. I keep reminding myself how there hasn't been a time he has tried to save the relationship. It didn't matter who was at fault, I've always been the one to fix things. No matter how many days went by without speaking, it was always me. Who would want to be in relationship where they felt they could never be sure if the other person is afraid to lose you? You wouldn't feel cared for or valued. That is how I feel. I think he could care less and that's because he doesn't. This was his decision. I'll hold on to that.

 

This is my time to heal. No matter how hard it is. I know I have to sit still and fight myself about this battle. I miss them so much it feels unbearable at times. I'm crying in the shower while begging God to guide me. To free my heart of this pain. To lead us back to eachother. This is a very low point in my life. I've probably only had one other time where I felt helpless in my life. I am desperately trying to learn and grow from this. I can't pressure myself with time limits. I have to let this happen.

Edited February 28, 2016 by ksol9

[ksol9]

Feeling a little numb today. This is so strange. I have the urge to get up clean and organize my things that have been sitting in bags and boxes since moving out. I want to take a nice long walk with my dog. I just want to breathe fresh air. The weather is really nice out today. I'm thinking about him every moment. Literally, as soon as i open my eyes in the morning, the first thought is him. I'm I love with him...with them and I can't comprehend how he could just end things in the middle of it. I still believe deep down inside that if we are meant to be, we will be.

 

It's like I'm fighting against what my mind and my heart wants. This isn't easy. I've been told it takes time, take care of myself, focus on myself. My heart is calling out. I don't want to move on, but I have no choice. I have to pick myself and try to live a life worth living.

 

Thank you all for listening and offering your support.

[ksol9]

It has been 2 weeks since the break up, haven't heard anything from him and surprisingly, I haven't reached out to him. I have been determined to self reflect. I am not a victim. There has to be something that I am doing wrong here. it was like at the snap of a finger i realized something. My ex was very angry with me. I spent all week crying and blaming him for "abandoning me, giving up on us" as if he made an irrational decision. As if he was completely out of line for doing so. I suddenly began to think to myself, there has to be a reason why he would be so upset with me. No one just gets really angry and then breaks up with their significant other for no reason. There was no cheating involved or anything like that. I can say there has been a pattern in our problems. The pattern has always been about my insecurities and my doubts about him. I went back through my phone and read all the text messages from times where we had conflict, I just couldn't believe some of the things I was saying to him. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't want to be with me either. Now, I'm not taking full responsibility, but I do think a lot of problems stemmed from the way I handled myself. If I was upset about something, I would make sly comments, I would push him away at times if he tried to hug or kiss me, and even caused circular arguments...this in turn caused him to withdraw. He repeatedly told me I was making him feel really bad inside. I think that I certainly handled some things in a very poor manner. I began to feel he didn't care about me because he was withdrawing. Then I started to feel that if he didn't care about me, he is just using me. Gosh what a confusion!

 

Regardless of who caused what, I should have been more mature about the situation. I do believe I put myself in a position to be taken advantage of and then i made a fiasco because I wasn't getting what I wanted in return. I did this to myself. I am also starting to feel that I owe him an apology. I remember on many occasions him telling me that we will work on this together. I always looked at him like he was just trying to blame me always. In reality, he was trying to help me, I just didn't want to see. I had a negative mindset about him and nothing was going to change that.