Long distance gf had incident four years ago, have some small doubts

February 26, 2016

Okay Loveshack, I need some advice. I might have ****ed up and I might be a completely ****ty person but I'm here to ask you anyways. I might be in the wrong thread too but this was the only place I could think of to go.

About four years ago, when my long distance girlfriend and I first started talking but before we were officially "together", she went out with another female friend of hers to go bar hopping. I thought nothing of it, told her to go out and have fun and to text me when she got home for the night so I made sure she made it home safely and so I could tell her goodnight. She still proceeds to text me randomly throughout the night and I appreciate that and she tells me she's having fun. Then, about the time the bars are starting to close down, I wait up for a text from her so I can call her and tell her goodnight. Well, one hour goes by and no text. Two hours go by and still nothing. I get a little worried but figure maybe she got home and just forgot or just went straight to bed so I go to sleep.

About 7 or 8 o'clock the next morning, I get a text from her asking if I'm awake and can call her. So I call her and that's when she tells me she was raped. I, trying to be the loving, supporting boyfriend, try to comfort her and let her know I'm here for her and that I'll do anything it takes to help her. But I also tell her that as hard as it may be, she should go to the police or the hospital immediately. She says she can't do that. I don't exactly understand why not but then again, I wasn't the one that just had to go through that, I'm sure she's shaken up right now and I don't want to push her.

So then I ask her if she wants to talk about it and she says that she does, that she wants to tell me what exactly happened. She proceeds to tell me that her friend (who I know happens to be quite promiscuous, to put it politely) had met this guy at the bar and decided she wanted to go to his place and have sex. Well, my girlfriend didn't just want to leave her so she told her that she would drive her over to this guy's place after the bar closed. So the bar closes down and they drive over to this guy's place and this guy has a friend over. So my girlfriend stays downstairs while her friend and this guy go upstairs to have sex. Meanwhile, my girlfriend says that this guy's friend comes over to her on the couch and proceeds to rape her.

I asked her if she tried to fight back or scream and she said yes but she wasn't strong enough to fight him off and that there was music blaring downstairs so her friend couldn't hear her upstairs. She also mentions a day or two later that the guy wasn't wearing a condom so she was afraid she might have caught an STD or became pregnant. But, that's where the story ends.

Fast forward a few months and my girlfriend and I are officially together and all is well for the first few months. However, I'm starting to catch her in little lies here and there. Sometimes little white lies, sometimes very serious lies. Due to some of these more serious lies, my mind can't help but go back to that night. I just can't understand why someone who was just raped and knew exactly where the guy was wouldn't go to the police. On top of that, to my knowledge (we stay in touch throughout the day and know what each other is doing 99% of the time) she never went to the hospital to get any sort of tests for any STDs and that would probably be the first thing I would do...well, right after going to the police and filing a report. But then again, I've never been in that kind of situation so I don't know how I would react or what I would do. But overall, something just doesn't quite add up in my mind. And with the ever increasing numbers of false rape accusations we've seen recently....well, I really do want to believe my girlfriend, I really do...but she has been known to lie about things before. Like telling me she was on birth control. Or the fact that she has bipolar disorder.

It should also be noted that the friend who she went out with that night has since tried to get my girlfriend to sleep with several other guys on several different occasions, each time saying something like "your boyfriend will never know!" I am also "friends" with this woman. Some friend, huh?

Anyways, I didn't bring it up after that day until a few weeks ago. I know, a complete ******* thing to do...but I just had this nagging feeling. My mind was telling me that she had slept with this guy in a moment of weakness, felt bad about it after the fact, and decided to tell me in an effort to clear her conscience but didn't want to risk having me dump her because she was already developing some very strong feelings for me as was I for her. So I needed some clarification. I asked her about it and she proceeded to basically call me a monster for bringing that up again and doubting her and saying that I was using her rape against her. Again, an ******* thing to do, I understand that.

As for any kind of answers, I asked her why she didn't go to the police or hospital and she told me she couldn't because she had to take care of her son. I thought this was also strange because she didn't have her son that day or even the next day, that's how she was able to go out. But, things were already rocky and I didn't want to push the subject anymore than I already had for fear of making the situation worse so I dropped it.

My question for you, Loveshack, is what is your take on this whole thing? Do you think my girlfriend is being completely honest? Did she react normally for a person who had just gone through something as traumatic as that? Why wouldn't she go to the police or hospital? Or even get tested for STDs? And am I a complete ******* for having that little shred of doubt? Is that such an absurd thought? And finally, since that day, we're still together...but it's been a bumpy ride since. If she has been completely honest with me and we want to try to make this work, how do I fix this?

Edited February 26, 2016 by Thr0waway
Omitted some words

February 26, 2016

I think you need to read up on rape. Most women DON'T report. The majority of medical exams do NOT definitively show physical force.

Your girlfriend was raped. It likely still traumatizes her at times. You need to let it rest or let her go.

Period.

February 26, 2016

I don't believe her. Tell her she is telling the truth then she should not mind taking a polygraph test. As you said to us you need to point out all the red flags and white lies making it hard to believe her Specially about the son when she did not have the son at that time.

February 26, 2016

I think your concerns are absolutely legitimate. Especially given the pattern of lying and the questionable company she keeps. Does she still hangout with this "friend" who sleeps around and who got her in this situation? If she was really raped, I would think she would have nothing to do with this so-called friend given the circumstances.

February 27, 2016

Yes, despite expressing my concerns about this friend several times throughout our relationship, she is still friends with this woman. In fact, she's her best friend and they still plan vacations and road trips to see each other (the friend has since moved away). I had a bad feeling about this "friend" from the very beginning when my girlfriend and I would be skyping and her friend would openly show her nude pictures that she would receive from the 20-30 different guys she would be texting.

And after the incident I described in my original post, her friend has also done some very inconsiderate things to my girlfriend, even going so far as to live with her for over three months without paying so much as a single cent towards rent/utilities/food/anything for that matter. And despite all of this, they're still best friends.

I've mentioned to my girlfriend several times that I don't like this friend for obvious reason and she just gets defensive and tells me that she doesn't approve of my female friends (of which I only have two or three) so I've since cut off contact. I have even gone so far as to avoid hanging out at my male friends house if his wife is there because she doesn't approve of her either. Despite all of this, they're still friends. But every time this friend gets brought up now, it just turns into a fight so I've just stopped bringing her up all together.

February 27, 2016

Many rape victims do not report the crime because of fear, shame, embarrassment or the feeling that it can't be proved. That is not unusual. What seems to have triggered your concern here is that you have caught her out in lies. What kind of lies? Are they 'white lies' or more significant? That seems to be the real issue - whether she is a trustworthy person or not.

February 27, 2016

I was raped when I was 22, I had a boyfriend at the time and was out at a party without him (that's a whole other story.) Anyway when I got home and told him he was like you and didn't believe me, he took me to the police station himself, even though I didn't want to go, all I wanted to do was hide away from the world. I was questioned, examined and tested. I had a massive black eye from the fight, the police believed I had been raped, but advised me to drop the complaint as it boiled down to his word against mine and they didn't think it was worth me re-living the trauma through a court case which would put me on trial more than him. He also had gang affiliations so I was petrified of fallout.

Unless you can prove she wasn't raped, take her word for it and quit giving her a hard time.

February 27, 2016

As I've mentioned before, it started out with fairly small white lies. Like, when we were first beginning to talk fairly regularly, she asked me how many people I had slept with. I told her and asked the same and she told me. Months later she tells me the same. About a year later she actually tells me it's about double what she initially told me. Another was that the first time we had sex, she told me she was on birth control. I, stupidly, agreed to have unprotected sex. Later she tells me she thinks she's pregnant because while she WAS on birth control, she had only been on it about a week and as most people know, it takes at least a month before it becomes effective. She had also hid the fact that she has bipolar disorder from me for several months. So while not technically a lie, I definitely feel it was a breach of trust considering we've promised to share pretty much everything with each other. Another time was a stupid trivial lie about something else regarding sex. Overall, she hasn't been very trustworthy from the very beginning but has since promised to be completely honest and I haven't caught her in another lie in several months now. That's why I decided to bring it back up, wondering if she would change her story since she has promised to be more truthful.

February 27, 2016

Mrs Rubble, I'm terribly sorry to hear that you went through that and I hope you are doing much better. And to everyone else that has put in their two cents worth, I really do appreciate all of the replies. I was afraid of getting backlash from posting this due to the nature of the topic but overall everyone has been fairly civil and polite, even though it is regarding me having doubts about my girlfriends incident. This has all given me a lot to reflect on and think about and so I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. So is this something her and I will be able to work through? And if so, how should we go about it? Or is she better off without me and should I end things with her for her sake? I only want to do what is ultimately best for her and I'm afraid that by bringing this up again I've caused her to resent me and have the stress of having to remember that night again. So what should I/we do. Once again, thank you all for your replies and your time.

February 27, 2016

I was raped when I was 22, I had a boyfriend at the time and was out at a party without him (that's a whole other story.) Anyway when I got home and told him he was like you and didn't believe me, he took me to the police station himself, even though I didn't want to go, all I wanted to do was hide away from the world. I was questioned, examined and tested. I had a massive black eye from the fight, the police believed I had been raped, but advised me to drop the complaint as it boiled down to his word against mine and they didn't think it was worth me re-living the trauma through a court case which would put me on trial more than him. He also had gang affiliations so I was petrified of fallout.
Unless you can prove she wasn't raped, take her word for it and quit giving her a hard time.

And perhaps, one day, women won't be on trial for a crime that was committed AGAINST them. This pisses me off.

February 27, 2016

And perhaps, one day, women won't be on trial for a crime that was committed AGAINST them. This pisses me off.

Women falsely accuse men of rape all the time. Come on

February 27, 2016

Women falsely accuse men of rape all the time. Come on

so that means ALL rape accusations are false? And the victim should be punished for reporting a crime? And I'd like to see your statistics.

February 27, 2016

You have a reason to not trust her because of her lies, but what is the connection with the rape incident? Liars get raped too. You main concern is sexual, promiscuity, her friend. Rape is violence, not sex.

Think about this, why did she have to tell you she had intercourse with this guy, if she wasn't raped? If she had kept quiet, how would you ever know? You didn't live together, you don't know this man, you would have never known about it. But she brought it up, why? Yes, a woman can lie about being raped, it is usually for two purposes: one, to get the guy in trouble, and two, to say she didn't want to do it when she's caught having an affair. These don't apply to her. She could have easily said nothing at all!

You have concerns about her possible promiscuity, her associations with the friend, and lying. These are legitimate concerns and things you have to sort out. That rape incident should be off the table here. You are making a poor connection to her lying and barking up the wrong tree. You can, and should, sort out all the things that give you concern about her trustworthiness. But, not this rape incident. Leave this one alone, don't go there.

I think you suspect she has cheated on you, but you don't have any leads, and this is the only sex-related incident you have, so you focus on that. I think you should be much much more worried about her being bipolar.

February 27, 2016

Forget about the rape incident for a moment. Simply analyze the effects this relationship is having on your lifestyle. From what you tell us, you have gone 100% towards easing her mind about things she doesn't like about your lifestyle. Like completely eliminating whatever friends you may have that don't meet with her approval. What's next? Are you going to tell your own Mum to take a hike because your girlfriend doesn't like her? How about politicks? What if you are conservative and she is a liberal? She is for the gasoline tax and you are not... What about religion? Where do you draw the line for appeasement? Now, what has she given up? She has a toxic relationship with a girlfriend that has already directly resulted in her getting raped. She defends the girlfriend and refuses to do what you did - remove the toxic things from her life. She is, in effect, defending her girlfriend and indirectly her life choices and leaving you hanging... dude. Dude. Wake up before you hand her your testicles on a silver platter. (If you do, both her and her girlfriend will have them for lunch with a bottle of red wine).

Let this one go. If you still have doubts, read up on her mental disorder and the effects it has on loved ones... Ask yourself if you want more of the same, and try to think of where you will be ten or twenty years from now. Good Luck.

February 27, 2016

I was raped when I was 22, I had a boyfriend at the time and was out at a party without him (that's a whole other story.) Anyway when I got home and told him he was like you and didn't believe me, he took me to the police station himself, even though I didn't want to go, all I wanted to do was hide away from the world. I was questioned, examined and tested. I had a massive black eye from the fight, the police believed I had been raped, but advised me to drop the complaint as it boiled down to his word against mine and they didn't think it was worth me re-living the trauma through a court case which would put me on trial more than him. He also had gang affiliations so I was petrified of fallout.
Unless you can prove she wasn't raped, take her word for it and quit giving her a hard time.

Back in the dark ages it was his word against hers. Now it is all down to no more about words but letters DNA evidence.

OP's GF was sketchy in her responses and refused DNA testing and police help.

Edited February 27, 2016 by road

February 27, 2016

Back in the dark ages it was his word against hers. Now it is all down to no more about words but letters DNA evidence.

OP's GF was sketchy in her responses and refused DNA testing and police help.

If only it were that simple!! DNA doesn't provide evidence of consent, unfortunately that still comes down to his word against hers.

In my case my word against his and several bikers who claimed "I wanted it" never mind the massive black eye.

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Long distance gf had incident four years ago, have some small doubts

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