My Idea on How to get Someone You Love Back. Thoughts??

[c.198730]

So I could really use some honest advice because I really love this Girl and she just recently broke up with me (1 week)We have been together 1 year. She said it was because her parents do not like me and she also said I am controlling and cost her her friends even though they were all ex bf's. Now some of this is true however certain things that she did in the past like communicating with ex's and having friends that are men got to me.

 

We are both 29 years old and at 1 point we were actually engaged. About 2 days ago she called me crying so I went to see her and we basically talked things out but it ended with her saying she wants me as a friend and if its meant to be it will happen again. Now I am not new to dating. This never happens and if it does the relationship is even worse because your like a friend rather than a Lover.

 

When we were speaking I told her how I actually went on a few dates and I just got a new job and I was going to mexico for my brothers wedding. Now this is all true and she seemed happy for me but at the same time she seemed worried. Now I left saying I do not know if I can be friends and I have to think about things. The funny part is for the past 2 days she has been blowing up my phone. Even at 4am in the morning. I decided that in order for her to look at me in a different light I need to stop seeing her and answering her because all this does is comfort her through our breakup while I suffer.

 

My question is this. I read a lot of posts etc and a lot of men and woman suggested not talking or answering her for 1 month. Now this is because she broke up with me and now she has to live with the fact that she broke up with me and this means I am not going to be supportive and around 24/7 in her life anymore. I come first now. Also how can we start over if we both dont have time to heal and view (if it happens) our next relationship as new rather than the same old thing...

 

Do you think this is the best way to get her back? I am not trying to play games but sometimes this is what has to be done in order for the other person to realize what they lost. Also to see if they truly are in love.

 

Please help. I really am in love with her and Its so hard not to answer and be there for her 24/7 like I used to be. I feel that if become her friend I will plant myself deeper and deeper into the breakup friend zone. The worst place to be.

 

Advice anyone?

[Redhead14]

So I could really use some honest advice because I really love this Girl and she just recently broke up with me (1 week)We have been together 1 year. She said it was because her parents do not like me and she also said I am controlling and cost her her friends even though they were all ex bf's. Now some of this is true however certain things that she did in the past like communicating with ex's and having friends that are men got to me.

 

We are both 29 years old and at 1 point we were actually engaged. About 2 days ago she called me crying so I went to see her and we basically talked things out but it ended with her saying she wants me as a friend and if its meant to be it will happen again. Now I am not new to dating. This never happens and if it does the relationship is even worse because your like a friend rather than a Lover.

 

When we were speaking I told her how I actually went on a few dates and I just got a new job and I was going to mexico for my brothers wedding. Now this is all true and she seemed happy for me but at the same time she seemed worried. Now I left saying I do not know if I can be friends and I have to think about things. The funny part is for the past 2 days she has been blowing up my phone. Even at 4am in the morning. I decided that in order for her to look at me in a different light I need to stop seeing her and answering her because all this does is comfort her through our breakup while I suffer.

 

My question is this. I read a lot of posts etc and a lot of men and woman suggested not talking or answering her for 1 month. Now this is because she broke up with me and now she has to live with the fact that she broke up with me and this means I am not going to be supportive and around 24/7 in her life anymore. I come first now. Also how can we start over if we both dont have time to heal and view (if it happens) our next relationship as new rather than the same old thing...

 

Do you think this is the best way to get her back? I am not trying to play games but sometimes this is what has to be done in order for the other person to realize what they lost. Also to see if they truly are in love.

 

Please help. I really am in love with her and Its so hard not to answer and be there for her 24/7 like I used to be. I feel that if become her friend I will plant myself deeper and deeper into the breakup friend zone. The worst place to be.

 

Advice anyone?

 

First, you need to get clear in your head about why you are implementing this tactic:

 

Now this is because she broke up with me and now she has to live with the fact that she broke up with me and this means I am not going to be supportive and around 24/7 in her life anymore. I come first now.

 

Do you think this is the best way to get her back?

 

This is conflicted stream of thought and emotion. It's an either/or, not a both/and . . .

 

If you implement this plan for the purpose of a possible "reconciliation" and getting the relationship back on track and building a better foundation, you need to have her be on that page too. You say "I want to step back from the relationship for a month to give us each an opportunity to focus. At the end of 30 days, let's meet at X time on X day to discuss a plan for moving forward or whether the reality is that we should move on."

 

If you are implementing it for the purpose of just moving on, then there's no 30 days and then meeting. It's done. It's not 30 days, it's forever.

 

If you are "mixing" the intent mentally and emotionally, you are simply creating confusion for yourself and her.

[smudge21]

NC isn't really about getting someone back, it's about healing, on both sides. There's a reason why two people fall out with each other, and NC gives them both a chance to see life without the other. For the dumpee, it gives them time to focus on themselves and find out that their happiness is not about one person but about themselves. It should also be a time to make yourself better, in many ways and be more confident. Most times, as dumpees, we do silly things to get that person back and so NC allows us time to back away, no contact with them and see the world more clearly.

 

 

For the dumper it's more about not giving them the satisfaction that they may (not all of them) get from having someone begging to be taken back. A lot of dumpers feed off that ego boost. The period of NC gives them opportunity to not have that other person around and during that time, they can start to forget about the reasons why they walked away and instead start to even miss the person they just dumped.

 

 

Of course, there's no guarantee any of this as every single person is different. Some dumpees are unable to go NC. Some, like myself, go NC and after a month never look back, never even want to. Also sometimes the dumpers are so set on their decision they too never come back, more so if there's someone else in their headlights. You have to go NC not because you want her back, but because you want to heal. Healing is all about you and therefore the NC is all about you. It will give you time away to really work on what may have been wrong, to better yourself, change things. Do not be thinking "well in 30 days I'll call her up and..." etc as that won't be NC in it's true sense. Yes, maybe in 30 days you could make contact, but don't focus on it.

 

 

I cannot state strongly how everyone is different though and you'll get different responses from people on here about this, so take them all in and decide which suits you best. Either way, it won't be easy - NC is a rocky road for us all, but often it's the only route on the map we have!

[d0nnivain]

Ignoring somebody as a way to get them back to teach them what they have lost is playing games & it's cruel. If you and she want to work on the relationship you have to do it together. Silence & separation allows old wounds to fester but solves nothing.

 

If she thinks you are controlling because you set up boundaries about how often she contacts EX BFs & she still doesn't see why that is a problem, do you really want that person back?

 

The fact that she said to you let's be friends & dangled the hope of reconciliation through that friendship further evidences why you were right to have reservations about her on going friendships with her EXs. You have to conclude she made the same promises to them.

 

At 29, if she broke up with you because her parents don't like you, that screams she has no independence & is immature. If she was 19, I'd give it some credence & suggest you work harder to over come the parents' issues but she's almost 30 years old. Again, do you want such a person as a partner?

[c.198730]

Ignoring somebody as a way to get them back to teach them what they have lost is playing games & it's cruel. If you and she want to work on the relationship you have to do it together. Silence & separation allows old wounds to fester but solves nothing.

 

If she thinks you are controlling because you set up boundaries about how often she contacts EX BFs & she still doesn't see why that is a problem, do you really want that person back?

 

The fact that she said to you let's be friends & dangled the hope of reconciliation through that friendship further evidences why you were right to have reservations about her on going friendships with her EXs. You have to conclude she made the same promises to them.

 

At 29, if she broke up with you because her parents don't like you, that screams she has no independence & is immature. If she was 19, I'd give it some credence & suggest you work harder to over come the parents' issues but she's almost 30 years old. Again, do you want such a person as a partner?

I just feel like I want to regain some manhood here. She has her good and bad side just like everyone but she is at a point in her life where I believe NC is going to benefit both of us. Honestly isnt she playing games by doing what she did? I think shes immature for handling this as she did. I like things clear cut and to the point. She changed.

[c.198730]

NC isn't really about getting someone back, it's about healing, on both sides. There's a reason why two people fall out with each other, and NC gives them both a chance to see life without the other. For the dumpee, it gives them time to focus on themselves and find out that their happiness is not about one person but about themselves. It should also be a time to make yourself better, in many ways and be more confident. Most times, as dumpees, we do silly things to get that person back and so NC allows us time to back away, no contact with them and see the world more clearly.

 

 

For the dumper it's more about not giving them the satisfaction that they may (not all of them) get from having someone begging to be taken back. A lot of dumpers feed off that ego boost. The period of NC gives them opportunity to not have that other person around and during that time, they can start to forget about the reasons why they walked away and instead start to even miss the person they just dumped.

 

 

Of course, there's no guarantee any of this as every single person is different. Some dumpees are unable to go NC. Some, like myself, go NC and after a month never look back, never even want to. Also sometimes the dumpers are so set on their decision they too never come back, more so if there's someone else in their headlights. You have to go NC not because you want her back, but because you want to heal. Healing is all about you and therefore the NC is all about you. It will give you time away to really work on what may have been wrong, to better yourself, change things. Do not be thinking "well in 30 days I'll call her up and..." etc as that won't be NC in it's true sense. Yes, maybe in 30 days you could make contact, but don't focus on it.

 

 

I cannot state strongly how everyone is different though and you'll get different responses from people on here about this, so take them all in and decide which suits you best. Either way, it won't be easy - NC is a rocky road for us all, but often it's the only route on the map we have!

I feel like NC is the best thing for me right now and she does get a high off of knowing I want her back so by NC shes going to have time to actualluy think clearly. Also i agree NC is about me getting better. She did her part by ending it.

[Emilia]

You need to move on OP. Don't waste your life on someone who will be proven unworthy sooner or later regardless of contact.

[c.198730]

You need to move on OP. Don't waste your life on someone who will be proven unworthy sooner or later regardless of contact.

Thank you. I agree and for me to do better and Move on or feel better about myself I need to have no contact.

[d0nnivain]

I just feel like I want to regain some manhood here. She has her good and bad side just like everyone but she is at a point in her life where I believe NC is going to benefit both of us. Honestly isnt she playing games by doing what she did? I think shes immature for handling this as she did. I like things clear cut and to the point. She changed.

 

NC will help you heal. And it will help you regain some manhood, because it at least won't have you crawling after her sniveling.

 

No I don't think she's playing games. Game playing is deliberate behavior. I think she is so immature that she has no idea what she's doing. I don't think she's being deliberately cruel.

[mrldii]

In addition to the great points others have already made, OP, it also reads *a little* like you're trying to keep your options open for a 'Ross-Rachel' situation in Mexico ("We were ON a BREAK") and, if you don't hook-up while away, then at least you have your ex to return to, for some guaranteed action when you get back home.

 

As others have mentioned, it's probably best that you both just let this be the clean break one of you initiated, a while back.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...and enjoy your vacation!