FadedSign52 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 The girl I have been dating for the last 2 months or so is really nice. She is very liberal and has several good gay male friends. She is very interested in me, texts me constantly and wants to spend time with me. We connect on many different levels, sex is great and we align in all the important ways and have talked about a future together (its still early though I know). She has one very good gay friend whom she has known for a decade or more. Before anyone starts, he is definitely gay there is no doubt there. I have met him once so far and he seemed nice enough in the short interaction we had. I am wondering what it will be like in the long term and whether its for me. I am not looking for a co-dependent relationship and I like that she has other friends just never experienced it being another dude before They have been friends for more than a decade, she has a picture of them prominently displayed and it is obviously a close relationship. He lives about 1 hour away and she said she is trying to get him to move closer. I took her on a great hike with a very romantic setting with a quaint little town nearby and during the hike she said "Oh I have to take X here". When we talk about being able to turn off our empathy in work settings, "X can do that very well". He's coming to town in a few weeks with a friend and I am "more than welcome to join them" when they go out, I sense a little bit of a hesitation there. But I plan on going being as friendly as I can of course and then observe their behavior. Anyway not sure what my question is here, I am just unsure of how to deal with this and whether it should be considered a red flag or not. Also not sure what this kind of relationship-triangle would look like in the future, who's going to be the 3rd wheel? Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Two of my closest friends are gay men, both were former coworkers. I think your best bet here is to think of this guy like a woman. Would you ever be insecure about your girl's best friend if it were a woman? Probably not, though it does happen. You sound like you've never really spent much time with gay men, so I do understand why it's a little unfamiliar for you. I'm glad that you're also open-minded. But you might want to examine where your insecurities are coming from. You say that you don't want a codependent relationship, but are struggling with your girlfriend's close relationship to another person who is not a threat at all to your romantic relationship with her. When she says you're "more than welcome to join them" my bet is that her hesitation is on your end- she can tell that you're uncomfortable around her gay friend, so she doesn't want you to feel obligated to hang out with them. If you do hang out with them, please try not to "observe" their behavior. Try to just get to know him and have a good time, learn why she values him as a friend. Finally, consider that a woman and her gay bestie are likely the least dramatic in terms of female friendships. For my, my gay friends are like all the best parts of being friends with women minus the drama. This is really not a relationship you should be concerned about. Oh and another note- are you certain that she's going to love love all of your friends as well? In relationships we always compromise- and we don't always love all of our partners' friends or family members. He's part of her life, he doesn't necessarily have to be part of yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 How would you deal with the situation if her best friend was female? It's not really any different. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 How would you deal with the situation if her best friend was female? It's not really any different. Ditto. If you're afraid of being a 3rd wheel you just show up, make your token appearance, be polite and friendly and then make your exit so that they can do what they do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 You have to accept that her relationship with her best friend will be stronger than yours; unless you date her for a long time. And you shouldn't have to worry about being a third wheel. As everyone has said, its no different from girl hanging out with her own girlfriends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Is the gay friend in a relationship? One of my dearest bestest friends is gay. We rode the schoolbus together, have all those childhood memories together, a huge pile of inside jokes, etc. He lives 6 hours away now. He brings his boyfriend when he visits, they hang out with me and my boyfriend, and we all have a jolly old time. There's nothing but sincerity and respect from everyone involved. If an old inside joke does come up in conversation, we explain to everyone (e.g., tell a hilarious story ). Is there anything about their behavior together that gives you pause (and thus why you are posting here)? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I seriously don't knwo what the problem is? Even if the male friend was straight, i still don't see a problem. It's about YOU, and how YOU can trust someone, and nothing to do with her or the man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 If you're so sure he's gay then why do you have any reservations? How do you interact with your male friends? That should give you a clue on how to interact with him. I still can't get over how weird hetero's are over male friends of women. It's seriously stupid. This is why I never date hets, only bi's. Something about straight men which is weird and off-putting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 You should be glad your girlfriend has such a loyal and nonthreatening male friend. I don't see the problem. It's like any other friend she isn't going to give up for you: It's your duty to be friendly and polite and occasionally go along with you all socializing together. I don't see the problem. I have had some really close male friends and they all died, so I guess this makes me a little mad. I'd give anything to have any one of them back in my life. They make great friends. They can help you with things women usually won't. They can give you realistic advice about relationships because they know how men think. They are loyal and loving. There is no down side. If I had any guy who asked me to give up any loyal and nice friend who hadn't done anything to deserve to be shut out, I wouldn't do it and I'd drop the one asking, because someone who really cares about you doesn't ask you to give up someone or something (like a pet) you love. They want you to have all the love and loyalty you can get. Gay guys usually have a pretty busy social life, so I wouldn't worry about him taking up all her time. But I don't see why he can't be part of your little family. If you think he's a distraction, wait until you have kids. Then you'll have something to complain about monopolizing her time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Well look at it this way. 1. You will know if gay friend is up to anything in your relationship with your girlfriend because he will be hitting on you not her. 2. Your girlfriend is going to get amazing tips on sex and the male psyche which will be tested out on you... 3. If this guy were a girl would you feel the same way? Because it really is no different. You know that weird feeling you get when you think about sleeping with a guy? He gets that when he thinks about sleeping with a woman... for him it would just be weird. Hope this helps. I think you should go out with them and get to know him better. All the gay people I have met have been fantastic people. Just a shame about some of the males because I would totally have hit that! Seriously just enjoy and go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
contel3 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 They have been friends for more than a decade, she has a picture of them prominently displayed and it is obviously a close relationship. He lives about 1 hour away and she said she is trying to get him to move closer. I took her on a great hike with a very romantic setting with a quaint little town nearby and during the hike she said "Oh I have to take X here". When we talk about being able to turn off our empathy in work settings, "X can do that very well". I agree with the other posters. He's gay. I do understand why it bothers you though. It's this weird admiration some people have towards their best friend of the opposite sex. This whole display of "we are so close" and mentioning the person in some of your most intimate moments (like your romantic hike). I've had that happen to me before. Every time me and one of my exes did something really nice he would mention "I have to take X here too" or "I have to tell X she loves this". They were and still are strictly platonic, but it still was annoying. I think the problem here is not that he is a man. It's that she talks about him too much, in a way that is not appropriate when you are in a relationship. How does she treat her close female friends? I bet she has a lot clearer boundaries with them and doesn't talk about them the same way. I'm not saying there is anything non-platonic going on, just that there are some dynamics going on that seem pretty typical for this kind of friendship. You either accept it or move on. Trying to change anything about it is a lost cause and will make you look like a control freak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I agree with everyone else. My bestie is a gay guy, and a large part of my social group is gay men. Any guy I date has to be cool with it, and it's actually a great barometer to see if they aren't. SO's friends can be tricky. My ex and his gym partner/bestie had quite the bromance going on. I'd often joke with him and say, "are you sure you're not dating Kenny?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I agree with everyone else. My bestie is a gay guy, and a large part of my social group is gay men. Any guy I date has to be cool with it, and it's actually a great barometer to see if they aren't. SO's friends can be tricky. My ex and his gym partner/bestie had quite the bromance going on. I'd often joke with him and say, "are you sure you're not dating Kenny?" Apparently when my best friend and I get together we're in our own world. Our significant others have always gotten know one another, out of necessity. OP, like others said, the gay friend is basically a girl from your perspective. If I were you I'd be encouraged by the fact that the person you're dating has strong friendships. Flighty people tend not to keep friends as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I have a long term gay male friend and we go back to our teenage years. I've only had an issue with one guy accepting him but that guy didn't want me to have anyone outside of him so it didn't work in the end. For me, if someone I date can't accept gay people it wouldn't work for my lifestyle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FadedSign52 Posted February 27, 2016 Author Share Posted February 27, 2016 Sorry for the late reply and thank you so much for your very insightful thoughts everyone, it is really appreciated! Thinking of him as a woman will definitely help I will try to do so. I really don't have a problem with gay men at all and I don't want her to drop him as a friend. I didn't really realize it but you're correct contel, it’s the closeness of their relationship that seems to go beyond what I have seen between women in the past and I guess I am a little insecure about that. He's texting and calling her when we are out and I know that every word I tell her is going to be discussed with him later (she's told me as much). The gay friend is not in a relationship, he is apparently hooking up with lots of gay men but unable to find men who are long term material. Nothing about their relationship gives me pause other than their closeness so far, but I have only met him for a short while so far so we'll see if I can establish a good friendship with him. Who knows he may be slightly threatened by how close I have gotten to her so far so I'll do what I can to make him feel comfortable. He is very much a part of her family so I want to make sure he does not feel like I am going to push him out, we'll see. Her and I are extremely open with each other and have discussed a lot of intimate and private things so far which I like. I'm pretty sure I could have this discussion with her and be totally fine. I'm pretty amazed at how this woman can be so open and honest about everything so far. Anyway thank you for all the positive replies! Link to post Share on other sites
bu2002 Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 I agree with the other posters. He's gay. I do understand why it bothers you though. It's this weird admiration some people have towards their best friend of the opposite sex. This whole display of "we are so close" and mentioning the person in some of your most intimate moments (like your romantic hike). I've had that happen to me before. Every time me and one of my exes did something really nice he would mention "I have to take X here too" or "I have to tell X she loves this". They were and still are strictly platonic, but it still was annoying. I think the problem here is not that he is a man. It's that she talks about him too much, in a way that is not appropriate when you are in a relationship. How does she treat her close female friends? I bet she has a lot clearer boundaries with them and doesn't talk about them the same way. I'm not saying there is anything non-platonic going on, just that there are some dynamics going on that seem pretty typical for this kind of friendship. You either accept it or move on. Trying to change anything about it is a lost cause and will make you look like a control freak. Great thoughts. I think the bold is the crux of the issue. It's easy for others to say "think of him like a female friend", but the problem is she doesn't do that. She unintentionally flaunts the closeness of their relationship in front of him, which is something she likely doesn't do with her female friends. Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Sorry for the late reply and thank you so much for your very insightful thoughts everyone, it is really appreciated! Thinking of him as a woman will definitely help I will try to do so. I really don't have a problem with gay men at all and I don't want her to drop him as a friend. I didn't really realize it but you're correct contel, it’s the closeness of their relationship that seems to go beyond what I have seen between women in the past and I guess I am a little insecure about that. He's texting and calling her when we are out and I know that every word I tell her is going to be discussed with him later (she's told me as much). The gay friend is not in a relationship, he is apparently hooking up with lots of gay men but unable to find men who are long term material. Nothing about their relationship gives me pause other than their closeness so far, but I have only met him for a short while so far so we'll see if I can establish a good friendship with him. Who knows he may be slightly threatened by how close I have gotten to her so far so I'll do what I can to make him feel comfortable. He is very much a part of her family so I want to make sure he does not feel like I am going to push him out, we'll see. Her and I are extremely open with each other and have discussed a lot of intimate and private things so far which I like. I'm pretty sure I could have this discussion with her and be totally fine. I'm pretty amazed at how this woman can be so open and honest about everything so far. Anyway thank you for all the positive replies! Oh my GOD, that reminds me of the situation with my ex-wife when we first dated... (Completely forgotten until I read this) She had a gay friend, whose friendship bordered on obsessive. We would all go out together, and he'd act like a spoiled brat, if my mentioned one of my attributes in a positive light (He's funny) this guy would pout and say "I'm funny too" Eventually my wife had enough,and they drifted apart. But did I have a problem? No... Nor should you... Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 OP - Based on the new details you posted I would watch your GF to see if she will place boundaries with him as your relationship takes off. My two closest friends are male. Once has a very active life so it hasn't interfered with my relationship at all. The other one had been very close to me and doing things a BF should do (like helping me with a ride, moving, advice, etc.). I've had to start putting in boundaries as things get more and more serious with the male friend and let him know the BF is taking over some of those things and parts of our friendship need to change to allow BF room to be in my life too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FadedSign52 Posted March 3, 2016 Author Share Posted March 3, 2016 OP - Based on the new details you posted I would watch your GF to see if she will place boundaries with him as your relationship takes off. My two closest friends are male. Once has a very active life so it hasn't interfered with my relationship at all. The other one had been very close to me and doing things a BF should do (like helping me with a ride, moving, advice, etc.). I've had to start putting in boundaries as things get more and more serious with the male friend and let him know the BF is taking over some of those things and parts of our friendship need to change to allow BF room to be in my life too. I feel like she is aware of this. She has mentioned family activities coming up that she would've invited me to but the gay friend now is because I will be out of town. So I feel like she is already making those adjustments. But we will see. Great advice thank you! She seems very into me and I really like her. She has a history of 6 months relationships until she finds out she does not really love them, where my past is the complete opposite - I fall fall head over heels and stay with someone for years. So we'll see I may only last a few more months 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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