Issues with finances

[Els]

Why are all the home-dates in your house? Does he never invite you over to his and cook for you in return? How often does he eat at yours? Are we talking every day or more like 2 days/week?

 

You should negotiate your expectations about contributions vs how much you each earn before you move in together.

[PegNosePete]

Here is what I'd recommend for grocery buying and bills (when living together or before if it makes things simpler):

• Set up a joint account, but both keep your individual accounts also.
  
• Get your salaries paid into your sole accounts.
  
• Each month, both make a payment into the joint account.
  
• Pay for joint items (groceries, bills etc) from the joint account.
  
• Pay for individual items (makeup, footballs, etc) from your individual accounts.
  
• You may need to adjust the amounts you pay into the joint account to match expenditure, especially in the first few months, while you get used to it.
  
• If your earnings are uneven, you can pay uneven amounts into the joint account. Eg. if you earn 2x him, you might pay $600, and he pays $300. Or vice versa.
  

This is a great way to keep things simple (a relationship is not meant to be an accounting exercise after all), whilst remaining fair. I've known couples who split restaurant bills even after many years of being together. That would do my head in!

Edited February 29, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Els]

This past week we fixed bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers, kale gratin, a whole roasted cauliflower with mint chutney, tandoori chicken, coconut flatbread, and supplemented with some leftover spinach-artichoke meatballs over zucchini noodles. Groceries were $42 because we already had most of what we needed. I just had to pick up some vegetables, chicken thighs, and fresh herbs.

 

If you cook more, you spend less.

 

How is this enough food for a whole WEEK though? From what I'm seeing that is only 3-4 balanced meals at most, maybe 7 if you're making double portions. Are you not counting lunches or something? (Not being sarcastic, I know some workplaces offer free lunch but that should be factored in). And what about breakfast? Fresh fruits?

 

I mean, I know people have to do what they have to do to survive on a small budget (I did myself when I was a student, although I certainly couldn't afford mint chutney, kale, coconut or jalapeños back then! ), but I don't think cutting her budget will help the op since she had no problems before she started cooking for two. I also don't think the race to the bottom dollar should be encouraged unless absolutely necessary.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Elswyth

[Emilia]

I think you tolerate far too much from the men you date OP and this is one example. The guy is taking you for granted completely.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with Emilia. I think all the other responses on this thread missed the mark, because they didn't seem to consider the poster's previous threads on her relationship.

 

I'm sorry to have to say this starla33, but he just isn't that into you. That's the fundamental problem here. It's obvious from all your other threads, and I am surprised hardly anyone here picked that up. Better to consider this now than to waste more time and energy with this guy.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Toodaloo]

I implore you to exercise a little humility during this process.

 

You're agitated now because you're looking at the outlay for groceries and that has your feeling a sense of righteous indignation. But once you're living together all of the sudden the real habits will start to surface.

 

He will start to notice how much money is being spent on your interest and hobbies and all of the while he's a saver.

 

With the attitude that you're exhibiting I hope that you keep your personal spending well below the 50% mark, otherwise he will have every right to make the same complaints that you are currently making.

 

Don't fall in the trap that a lot of women do of being super eager to spend his money but an ultra tightwad when it comes to your own money. Trust me, he will notice that and "but you're the guy" and "tradition states that..." are going to fly for only so long.

 

You know what my ex was like that. Problem is that when he left I discovered I was actually far better off financially with out him. He left with savings I had nothing left in my over draft.

 

It cuts both ways. This guy is living with OP 6 days a week. Thats electric, gas, rent, food, water... All out lays she is having to make while he sits pretty and saves.

 

I think he is getting a great deal while she is being drained.

 

I get her resentment... I had it too.

 

OP go round to his house more often. Get him to damn well cook for you.

[WaitingForBardot]

Here is what I'd recommend for grocery buying and bills (when living together or before if it makes things simpler):

• Set up a joint account, but both keep your individual accounts also.
  
• Get your salaries paid into your sole accounts.
  
• Each month, both make a payment into the joint account.
  
• Pay for joint items (groceries, bills etc) from the joint account.
  
• Pay for individual items (makeup, footballs, etc) from your individual accounts.
  
• You may need to adjust the amounts you pay into the joint account to match expenditure, especially in the first few months, while you get used to it.
  
• If your earnings are uneven, you can pay uneven amounts into the joint account. Eg. if you earn 2x him, you might pay $600, and he pays $300. Or vice versa.
  

This is a great way to keep things simple (a relationship is not meant to be an accounting exercise after all), whilst remaining fair. I've known couples who split restaurant bills even after many years of being together. That would do my head in!

Mrs WfB and I used a version of this: Once we got engaged, all monies were pooled into a joint account, from which an allowance was issued to each of us based on the ratio of our individual contributions to the joint pool. The allowance was for our own discretionary use without the need for discussion and the actual dollars were negotiated and dependent on factors like housing, food costs, etc. All such bills were always covered from the joint pool and we agreed to never take on consumer debt other than the purchase of our home.

[Wewon]

You know what my ex was like that. Problem is that when he left I discovered I was actually far better off financially with out him. He left with savings I had nothing left in my over draft.

 

It cuts both ways. This guy is living with OP 6 days a week. Thats electric, gas, rent, food, water... All out lays she is having to make while he sits pretty and saves.

 

 

But nobody knows this until the numbers are in. That's why its best to address this without saying a string of things in a fit of unjustified righteousness.

 

Yes, he's adding to the food bill, but I doubt that he's having an impact on rent, and unless he's taking long showers or washing his car daily, water etc are negligible. That's the kind of angry speculation that the OP should avoid. What's worse is he might start doing it back, next time they go out to dinner does she want to hear him talking about gas and the price of things on the menu?

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know if you read my post on the last page but i definitely pay for almost if not more than half of things. So yes I WOULD LOVE IT if we counted it all out. He would be the in in for a rude awakening.

 

Buy Lean Cuisines or other similar "dinner for 1" prepared meals for a week. Set a single place setting, Pop one in the microwave, pour yourself a glass of wine and sit down and enjoy. He'll get the message quickly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Emilia]

But nobody knows this until the numbers are in. That's why its best to address this without saying a string of things in a fit of unjustified righteousness.

 

Yes, he's adding to the food bill, but I doubt that he's having an impact on rent, and unless he's taking long showers or washing his car daily, water etc are negligible. That's the kind of angry speculation that the OP should avoid. What's worse is he might start doing it back, next time they go out to dinner does she want to hear him talking about gas and the price of things on the menu?

 

If a guy spent 6 days a week at mine I'd expect him to go 50-50 on all bills including food, no question. I wouldn't expect him to contribute to my mortgage just yet but to everyday living expenses very much. Anything else is a piss-take.

 

Have to say I never dated a man that didn't offer to contribute money and effort like washing up or cooking. It's all about recognising a person's efforts.

[Shining One]

If a guy spent 6 days a week at mine I'd expect him to go 50-50 on all bills including food, no question.

If a woman asked me to do this, I would agree without question. However, all other dating expenses would be split 50-50 as well.

[GunslingerRoland]

IMO if you can't figure out finances together living apart, things are going to get worse and not better living together.

 

 

I also personally am not a big fan of the whole separate finances thing. When you are in a relationship living together, what percentage of your expenses are actually solo expenses? 5%? I guess cell phone bill and car payments are solo expenses, but you have two of those typically so they balance out anyway.

 

 

Most expenses you have, housing, utilities, cable, internet, home phone, taxes, insurance, food, entertainment, travel, furniture, repairs are shared expenses anyway.

[Emilia]

If a woman asked me to do this, I would agree without question. However, all other dating expenses would be split 50-50 as well.

 

Of course. If you spend so much time together it's unfair for one person to shoulder a significant part.

[Els]

I agree with Emilia. I think all the other responses on this thread missed the mark, because they didn't seem to consider the poster's previous threads on her relationship.

 

I'm sorry to have to say this starla33, but he just isn't that into you. That's the fundamental problem here. It's obvious from all your other threads, and I am surprised hardly anyone here picked that up. Better to consider this now than to waste more time and energy with this guy.

 

Ah, okay, I just glanced at her previous threads. Not sure if this is the same guy who was cozying up with his ex-FWB, addicted to porn, and camping with other girls etc? But if it is, there are absolutely bigger issues here and she should leave.

 

Thing is, I don't think it's the other posters' fault for not checking the OP's history. The onus is on the OP to provide a reasonable summary of the context/background of her R. It's her prerogative to not mention her history but she cannot expect accurate responses if she doesn't.

[Els]

IMO if you can't figure out finances together living apart, things are going to get worse and not better living together.

 

Agreed.

 

I also personally am not a big fan of the whole separate finances thing. When you are in a relationship living together, what percentage of your expenses are actually solo expenses? 5%? I guess cell phone bill and car payments are solo expenses, but you have two of those typically so they balance out anyway.

 

Disagree here - unless you share ALL your hobbies and have completely similar preferences on everything (which isn't a realistic expectation IMO), lots of expenses are personal ones even when you live together. My personal expenses include food that I like but he doesn't, my clothes, accessories, books, games, computer equipment, work-related expenses, my personal days out by myself or with friends or family, gifts for other people, etc. I don't think 5% for personal expenses is a reasonable estimate unless you are on an extremely tight budget.

 

I mean, if people want to only have a joint account and no personal accounts whatsoever, that's a valid choice, but I don't think personal expenses are as minimal as you state.

[Wewon]

If a guy spent 6 days a week at mine I'd expect him to go 50-50 on all bills including food, no question. I wouldn't expect him to contribute to my mortgage just yet but to everyday living expenses very much. Anything else is a piss-take.

 

Have to say I never dated a man that didn't offer to contribute money and effort like washing up or cooking. It's all about recognising a person's efforts.

 

And that's fine, so long as you understand that may impact other dynamics in the relationship. All of the sudden going out becomes a 50-50 proposition as well.

[No_Go]

We don't know the whole picture.

 

I was staying at my BF's 3-5 days a week before we moved in, and I rarely payed for food or contributed in cooking. But I was paying for most of the dinners out. Same way as OP's partner.

 

Also in my case my BF preferred to stay in his place. I had no problem staying in mine but he refused because he didn't like my roommate. So I didn't feel obliged to buy toilet paper and detergent... Especially with all the dates out that I treated him to.

 

If a guy spent 6 days a week at mine I'd expect him to go 50-50 on all bills including food, no question. I wouldn't expect him to contribute to my mortgage just yet but to everyday living expenses very much. Anything else is a piss-take.

 

Have to say I never dated a man that didn't offer to contribute money and effort like washing up or cooking. It's all about recognising a person's efforts.

[No_Go]

I recently made an estimate regarding common vs personal expenses (I live with my BF), the ratio is 40%:60% in favor of personal. And I'm not a big spender at all.

 

Agreed.

 

 

 

Disagree here - unless you share ALL your hobbies and have completely similar preferences on everything (which isn't a realistic expectation IMO), lots of expenses are personal ones even when you live together. My personal expenses include food that I like but he doesn't, my clothes, accessories, books, games, computer equipment, work-related expenses, my personal days out by myself or with friends or family, gifts for other people, etc. I don't think 5% for personal expenses is a reasonable estimate unless you are on an extremely tight budget.

 

I mean, if people want to only have a joint account and no personal accounts whatsoever, that's a valid choice, but I don't think personal expenses are as minimal as you state.

[Els]

I recently made an estimate regarding common vs personal expenses (I live with my BF), the ratio is 40%:60% in favor of personal. And I'm not a big spender at all.

 

I think mine is probably 50:50, but yeah, pretty close in general. Even my SO, who is generous with shared expenses but extremely frugal with his own expenditure, couldn't manage 5% personal expenses I think. Heck, a couple of lunches out with coworkers would exceed that.

[Lady2163]

I'd encourage the OP to start tomorrow with the new month and seriously track your spending. Id actually keep the receipts so you can keep track of what you buy for groceries.

 

However, in the same vein take March to pay attention how much the boyfriend spends on your portion of the dates. It does take a bit of time and can be a pain to keep track of, but this is something that is bothering you - if you can't do it for one month, then you really don't think it is as important and you posted on here.

 

I keep my bills/budget on an excel spreadsheet and have done so since 1998. It's amazing to compare the years. I'd encourage you to do the same. I've massively simplified my life, I only have five bills a month. Except for my birthday month, when everything is due. Car insurance, car registration, life insurance, income tax.

 

But the time to talk about division of household labor and household bills is BEFORE you move in together. If you were married, I'd say all money goes into one account. Bills are paid first and automatically. Then $500 is mentally set aside for groceries and fuel. Anything after that you discuss how to spend it. Do you each give yourself an "allowance"? Do you save some for a weekend getaway? Do you put some in an entertainment fund that covers dates?

[Toodaloo]

But nobody knows this until the numbers are in. That's why its best to address this without saying a string of things in a fit of unjustified righteousness.

 

Yes, he's adding to the food bill, but I doubt that he's having an impact on rent, and unless he's taking long showers or washing his car daily, water etc are negligible. That's the kind of angry speculation that the OP should avoid. What's worse is he might start doing it back, next time they go out to dinner does she want to hear him talking about gas and the price of things on the menu?

 

I do not hold back with my cash.

 

My ex earnt more than me. Contributed less.

 

Now to my mind when in a relationship you support each other. Its not a case of his rent or her rent but OUR rent. So if a car needs reapirs or something like that you pool what you both have to repair it. Not so with my ex. If his van broke down I had to handle other expenses on my own while he paid the bill. If my car broke down, so long sucker your on your own. When he brought his new van I covered house hold bills to cover some of it. When I needed a new car he paid from his savings then didn't pay anything towards household bills until it was paid back... See where I am going with this?

 

If we had pooled resources we would have both had savings in the bank and been able to do the things we wanted. As it was he left with savings and I was left near on bankrupt... Its not just guys who get taken for a ride financially and not just the one who earns more.

 

This guy is taking the tiddle and needs to either a. go or b. pull his damned finger out.

[Els]

 

This guy is taking the tiddle and needs to either a. go or b. pull his damned finger out.

 

It's also pretty concerning that the OP is the only one cooking for them, ever (if that is indeed the case, she hasn't confirmed). If he wants a traditional R where she does more of the housework, fine, but in that case he should be footing more of the shared bills. It's plain wrong for her to be doing all the cooking while he stays over several days a week and doesn't contribute to anything.

 

But that being said the OP's posts have been pretty nebulous and open to interpretation.

[Lois_Griffin]

When my now-husband and I were dating, he didn't come over to my place 6 nights a week to mooch a meal that I paid for, cooked, and cleaned up after. But I did cook for him quite a bit on a weekly basis because he'd been widowed for a couple of years and I knew how much he appreciated a home-cooked meal.

 

HOWEVER, he found excuses to give me money because he didn't want me taking on the burden of paying for the groceries myself. Before leaving for a trip to Europe with my son, he tucked $400 cash in my purse which I found at the airport before boarding the plane. Another time, I asked to borrow $500 for a week because I'd accidentally overpaid my bills and had set myself up for a bunch of payments bouncing and the high fees associated with each. He was happy to do it and I post-dated a check for $500 and gave it to him. A couple weeks later, I found that check ripped to pieces and hidden under the place mat on my kitchen table.

 

My point is that he appreciated my efforts and didn't want me shouldering the entire cost of the extra groceries I was buying, and this was his way of making up for that.

 

Quite honestly, your selfish boyfriend just seems to think it's his birthright to come over and glom a free meal off you every night and not contribute a damned THING for it in return.

 

You said he pays for a meal out a few times a month, but it's not expensive places you're going to, so of course, he's getting the much better deal here. And when you go out on dates, you pay at LEAST 50% of the cost and sometimes 75%.

 

This guy doesn't sound like such a prize that you have to go broke to keep him around. His ungrateful ass should be kicked to the curb.

[Cherryz]

You dont like it? Then stop doing it!

 

Thats how easy it is!

At the end someone else will go and get the groceries itself when it see that there

is no one else doing it.

 

And since its not marriage, he dont have a obligation to do anything like that.

 

If it was marriage you guys where going to be soon, i would say this topic should be

addressed waaaaaaaay before.

Because money is one of the reasons people get even divorced about sometimes.

 

I know what you mean with the man pays. BUt since its not your husband you cant ask that from him i think.

 

In the living together thing what ever that means its more like a group thing.

Like 50/50. or so.

And and not something where one invest to much or much more then the other.

 

Living together often is also something people do to let you "audition"/ prove yourself if you worth it at all to invest much into you. Also in the back of their mind that this can easily ends and i can lose everything or alot since their is no commitment(married) you can easily walk into it and walk out when you tired of it etc. so their shouldn't be to much big choices made while together.

 

What ever the issue is in any situation its better to address it way before going further.

Because it will come up anyway and maybe then in a huge blow up if you dont address it right away or quick.

Specially if its about money. Some how its such sensitive subjects that when people cant agree on it they rather leave the friendship/relationship then let it go or solve it.

 

And since you not going to marry i think you cant ask of him to do that.

And even if its marriage, you work also, so you will have to build your home together. And never try to lose your independence, specially when you have no kids and healthy to work and hold your own.

Often married people have one bank-account together etc. Or the one that earn more pays the biggest bills etc. And couples are more willing to do things with and for each-other automatically.

But again its marriage so people enter it also with a more different mindset to also

be with that one person and invest all in that one person and make it work till dead do us part.

If you want certain standards you have to make the right choices. Situations where it

can be possible and realistic.

 

To avoid this guy telling you latter your eat all his noodles or all his chicken wings or put you out HIS house when you got into a fight with him and stuff you better do it 50/50. Letting someone pay everything for you also is a way that he can get alot of power over you.etc.

Or much better wait till you married to live with him. So you have same rights to!

And if its love why cant it be marriage instead of living together?

[Cherryz]

And i think some how a man is more aware of how he spent his money.

If he into you and trust you and so on, he can even in some cases give you his bankcard to use it when you need.

 

But if he not into you much and so on, he wont invest much also not in efforts etc.