charlo Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Hi, first a few bits of information to get out of the way before I start talking about this. 1) I'm 20 years old and female, 2) My boyfriend is 23 years old, 3) We have been together for almost a year. I admit I'm not going to be much help here because I don't really know what exactly I want feedback/help with - I guess I'm just reaching out for some opinions and advice on how to feel. My boyfriend and I have been going steady for a year now - we're really close and, over time, we've learned how to communicate really well and we get on like best friends. Every aspect of the relationship is great, except for one thing. I don't want to go into exactly what happened out of respect for him and his privacy, but at the start of December last year he did something (should emphasize that he didn't cheat and no one was hurt) that damaged my trust in him. It was something that I knew he did sometimes but started to feel more concerned about it as we got more serious. I voiced this to him and asked him not to do it. It turned out that he actually did it again. For better or for worse, we talked things through and I forgave him. We've been working really hard since then to build the trust back up and I'm starting to feel more comfortable in our relationship. However, this instance did leave me with a bit of a knock to my confidence and - as a person who isn't particularly complimentary - my boyfriend doesn't really reassure me of his attraction to me verbally (he shows affection physically; hugs, cuddles, etc). This has left me feeling a bit insecure in our relationship since the incident in December and between then and now there have been a few occasions where I've felt suspicious or upset by a situation that I've misinterpreted. He's done everything within his power to make me feel better about these instances though. Over the past few months we had planned to move in together this July and potentially move to America (we're from the UK) when he gets a new job. I feel like this is a good indication of how well we felt things were going. Last night, however, we had another incident where I felt insecure and threatened by a girl which spiraled a little bit out of control. Long story as short as possible, we went out with a couple of his friends (a guy and his girlfriend) and when we arrived at the venue I noticed a girl looking over at him, smiling and trying to get his attention (he goes to a lot of gigs and people recognize him a lot because our city is quite small). Next moment, he's saying he's going to go get a drink at the bar and walks away from the group. He starts talking and laughing with the girl and, from my perspective, I felt as if he had seen the girl and then walked away to go and talk to her because he was into her/had been seeing her previously (there were a lot of occasions when he was single where he would meet girls at gigs and go on to sleep with them/start dating them). I turned to ask his friends who she was and his friend said he didn't know, and she was probably just a random person. His girlfriend started to rile me up a little saying she'd go over and punch her if I wanted (I obviously told her not to) but - a little drunk and very insecure - I felt the need to go over and establish myself. I could see that my boyfriend was confused by this, but I was so convinced that there was something shady going on that I stormed off and went to leave. His friends urged me to stay and assured me that he was "just being a dick". I was so convinced that my recollection of events was right that I felt even more wound up and upset. When he came back with his drink and asked what was going on, I slapped him. I should say here that I'm aware that my behaviour was pretty appalling and uncalled for, so just bare with me. He told me he'd met her once or twice but hardly knew her and didn't even know her name - I believed him but he was obviously very angry and frustrated with me. He kept saying the relationship isn't working and we can't be together. His friends then chose this moment to leave and I had to stay with him because my keys were in his flat. He walked away from me, into the crowd and ended up next to her. I followed him and he spent the next 45 minutes ignoring me while she jumped around all over him. To give some credit to him, he didn't touch her at all but he did make it clear that he was having fun with her and didn't want to talk to me (when I told him about this the next morning he said he was very sorry and never intended to make me feel jealous or hurt). When we got back to his he was extremely drunk and he cried for hours (we both did) before we finally were too exhausted and went to bed. Since then he's said that he wants space and he feels humiliated and embarrassed that I slapped him and that, if that hadn't have happened, he wouldn't have reacted the way that he did. I guess I just want everyone's two cents on how I can stay calm while we have time apart, how to make amends with him if I can and how to improve my self-confidence so that I don't feel insecure and threatened by other girls. Thanks. Sorry that this was so long!
ExpatInItaly Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Oh dear. First and foremost, you need to ask yourself why you let your anger get so out of control that you slapped him. Where is that aggression coming from? What went through you mind that gave yourself permission to get violent? I know you understand how wrong this is. But I think you really need to address those questions during this time apart from him. If the shoe were on the other foot and he slapped you, you can imagine the outcome. I'm a woman and have been on the receiving end of such treatment from a boyfriend; it forever changed my perception of him and damaged the relationship irreparably. Second, give him the space he's requested. He is processing a lot right now too. Third, what was it that happened back in December that damaged your trust? I realize you want to respect his privacy but without knowing what he did, it's not too easy to give you specific feedback on how to deal with that. I feel it's significant because it's clearly causing you a lot of distress and insecurity, particularly when he's around other women. It almost sounds as though he viewed porn? Went to a strip club? Can you give us at least a general idea?
Buddhist Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) Here's my 2 cents..... Your bf eying off other women when he's out with you and then leaving you to go and flirt with them is pretty appalling behaviour. I don't think your jealousy or insecurity is uncalled for at all. Stop blaming yourself for having a natural reaction to someone who is behaving rather badly. Your reaction is pretty much what anyone would feel in your same situation. Your bf probably has an incessant need for validation and seeks it from anyone who eyeballs him. This is NOT a good sign. It's only a hop, skip and a jump from that to actually cheating on you. He is already showing signs of being an attention seeker which is a sign of weak self esteem and he's choosing to deal with that by seeking external validation of other women. Him telling you that your behaviour is out of order, irrational or otherwise uncalled for is called gas lighting. He's trying to make you believe that you are at fault because you are having a normal reaction to his bad behaviour. So okay the slap was uncalled for, but your underlying emotions are pretty normal, he's also pushing your buttons purposefully. You'd have to ask yourself why he would do that? It's up to you what you do. But if I were you I would not move in with this guy and move this relationship down a notch. What's going on here is classic grooming for a bad relationship in which perfect behaviour is expected of you in combination with complete acceptance of his poor behaviour. That never has a happy ending. Learn this now, take steps to look after you and for goodness sake stop seeing yourself as the sole problem here. He is being a dick and that isn't something you should accept or excuse. Edited February 25, 2016 by Buddhist
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 So he's a musician? My husband was semi-pro and I went to a lot of his gigs. Girls coming up to him, him socializing with girls I didn't know, it is all part of what he does. I didn't expect him to sit at my side 24-7 when we ever went out. You my dear are way too insecure to be dating him. If you can't handle him talking to other women, then he is not the one for you. He didn't do anything wrong, until you freaked out on him....you both went toxic. You both are wrong for each other. I totally understand he is rethinking this relationship.
lilmissjava Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 To get through this space thing he has asked of you is to sign up for anger management. I doubt the slap hurt him as much as much as his ego was hurt. To completely lose trust takes a lot of effort to try and get back. Without trust, anything goes. Give yourselves a break. Not everyone is meant to be together.
Author charlo Posted February 26, 2016 Author Posted February 26, 2016 He's not a musician. I also don't expect him to sit by my side when we go out whatsoever. I do have some self-esteem and trust issues but I would never discourage him from socialising ever, and that's not something we typically have an issue with. The reason I got as frustrated as I did was because of the context (people were drunk, including myself, telling me I should hit her/offering to hit her for no real reason, etc.). I do appreciate your input though.
TXGuy Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Here's my 2 cents..... Stop blaming yourself for having a natural reaction to someone who is behaving rather badly. Your reaction is pretty much what anyone would feel in your same situation. Domestic violence is not a natural reaction to someone behaving rather badly. She is lucky she is not in jail with a restraining order pending. Domestic violence is a big deal. Even when women do it to men. 2
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