He opened a restaurant

[AMJ]

I met my ex six years ago, but our on-again, off-again (which was mostly off again) relationship ended nearly four years ago. During our two years on-again, off-again, we were really only "together" for about six months. It's a really long story. Anyway, during that time, when he'd drift away, I always would sense when he was about to pop back into my life. It sounds strange, I know. But I always had this feeling that he was thinking about me, and right then he'd contact me. I can give examples and explain, but let's just say some strange coincidences have happened. Such as, the time when, one year after we'd broken up, we both happened to run into each other at work, even though we do not work together. I was assigned to do my job in a certain building in our city, and the minute I stepped into this parking lot, I just felt his presence. In the entire building. And a few days later, we ran into each other in a hallway.

 

I haven't had this gut feeling about him thinking of me in two years. For some reason I felt it last night. I looked on Facebook and saw that he opened a restaurant. It's so much easier to move on from someone when they aren't doing well in their life, but watching him realize one of his dreams made me sad. I wish I could hate him- therapists have told me I should be angry. But the fact is that he was so artful about dictating the terms of our relationship that it's really impossible to blame him for anything. On the contrary, if you heard the entire story, you'd say that I was to blame for my own pain. I misread all his signals, and created an opportunity for a relationship that maybe didn't exist. At the same time, most who know our story agree that he certainly led me in the wrong direction and isn't blameless either.

 

Anyway, I see that he's opened this restaurant. And I'm truly happy for him. And then sad that I'm not with him. I thought that I was "over" him, that if he came back I'd finally say no. It took me a long time to get to that place, of being past him. It would be so much easier to move on if he had intentionally treated me badly. If he had maliciously enjoyed hurting me, or if he had lied to me, or broken a promise. But he did have feelings for me, he struggled with his feelings and not wanting a relationship, and he hated himself for hurting me.

 

He's still single. He said he always wanted to be single. I'm still single. Obviously I don't want to be single, as I'm posting on loveshack.com. It's been nearly four years and I haven't had feelings for anyone I've dated that even come close to what I felt for him. Will I ever get over him? I've tried everything. Therapy, dating other people, moving hundreds of miles away.

 

For a long time I wanted him back, and thought he would come back. Then I became okay with the reality that he's not coming back, and okay with the reality that he doesn't want a relationship, so...even if he did come back, he doesn't want what I want. I still feel that way. But something just shifted, that I worry how I'll react if he did come back.

 

The logical response to all of this is- he's not going to contact me! It's been 3+ years. I know, I know. But that gut feeling came back- I couldn't sleep at all last night. And it's never been wrong. Literally every single time he pops back into my life, I always have this feeling before he does.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you haven't tried everything if you're still checking his Facebook profile. I don't say that to be harsh, but maybe to give you a little hope. You might finally be able to move on if you fully and completely cut him out of your life. This includes any and all social media activity.

 

That gut feeling of yours isn't a good one. It keeps leading you down the same path of "addiction" to this guy. It's not destiny speaking to you or any such thing. You need to learn to stop assuming it is a positive sign; clearly, it's not.

 

If he gets in touch, don't respond. You appear to have always let him engage with you again, which again tells me you haven't tried everything to get over him.

 

Unless you take yourself out of the game completely and permanently, this attachment will continue. Block, delete, do whatever you need to do to break away from him for good.

[Satu]

Try this:

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[AMJ]

I wish I knew how to not check his social media. One of my friends today said "Who cares about John?" with a smiley face, so to say, I need to just stop caring. I really wish I could. If I had someone else in my life, it would be easier. My therapist used to say I needed to fill my time with things for me instead of obsessing about him. And in all honesty I do not, on a daily basis, obsess about him anymore. I did do that for almost two years, however.

Now it's more like, every so often I look on Facebook to see if anything is new in his life. And usually there's nothing.

 

The feeling I get, when I feel like he's also thinking about me or he's about to contact me, it's not really a "fate" feeling. It's more like a "we are mentally connected somehow" feeling. At this point, I really wish it would go away for good. I haven't had a feeling like this, about him, in over two years. And then when I looked online and found something pretty significant in his life, it just brought back all of this pain, that I mostly thought was gone.

 

I've only been in love two other times in my life. For whatever reason, as bad as those heartbreaks were, they were nothing in comparison to this one. I don't want to say John was my soulmate (not his real name of course) but I don't know how else to explain the weird mind-reading that happens whenever he comes knocking on my door.

 

There was a serious instant magnetic attraction at first- literally within about ten minutes we were infatuated with each other, the day we met. At the time, I just thought it was sexual chemistry, albeit really strong chemistry. I thought that would fizzle out, over time, as it always does. But the opposite happened. The fireworks kept growing stronger, the sex kept getting better, we were both falling in love really hard and it scared the **** out of him. For the first time in my entire life I wasn't afraid to be vulnerable at all. I had so much certainty about my feelings for him....and I usually have doubts about everyone I date.

 

I loved literally everything about him (well except for his fear of commitment and intimacy...that was kind of a big problem in the end). I could listen to him talk about anything, for any amount of time, and never be bored. For all of his other faults, I loved him anyway. I think all of my unconditional love also scared him. I tried to back off and give him space, thinking that would bring him closer. And it did! For awhile. And then I reached my breaking point, and needed the commitment he couldn't give.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. Sometimes I know there aren't really any answers to a situation like this, but it helps to have someone listen.

[AMJ]

And now there's a whole new level of social media that I can learn about him on. Why, why, why did I jump down the rabbit hole again? Looking for your ex online is never a good idea. I know this! Why did I do it? UGH.

[ManyDissapoint]

Block him on all social media. Take some agency and realize that 99% of information about him is in your control to cut off. I would also venture a guess that his unavailability, aka his denial of commitment is what has bred your obsession. There are lots of resources explaining this psychology. Understanding why you feel what you feel is necessary to getting better.

[ExpatInItaly]

Block him on all social media. Take some agency and realize that 99% of information about him is in your control to cut off. I would also venture a guess that his unavailability, aka his denial of commitment is what has bred your obsession. There are lots of resources explaining this psychology. Understanding why you feel what you feel is necessary to getting better.

 

This.

 

OP, you have much more control than you realize. I think once you start really grabbing this by the horns and block him, you will start truly letting go. You need to start being your own best friend in this situation, rather than your own worst enemy.

[Zapbasket]

Opening a restaurant is not a sign that he has addressed his commitment issues that defined and ultimately destroyed your relationship.

 

I know what it's like to miss someone terribly even though it makes no "sense" to still love them so much and they're out of your life. But you have to gently lead with your mind and not your heart, as painful as it is, and ask yourself if realistically he has "changed" so that the issues that stymied your relationship would no longer exist. Answer is: probably not.

 

And then ask yourself if you deserve crumbs from someone who doesn't want to commit to you. Answer is: no.

 

It's okay to miss him but you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other towards what YOU want out of a relationship and out of life. No doubt the pasts of many of us harbor a person we easily loved enough to spend our lives with, but the conditions just wouldn't make that feasible, or not without coping with more than a reasonable share of frustration or unhappiness and not being true to ourselves and loving OURSELVES. You have to just breathe and keep walking that line towards the uncertain, "better" future you desire.

 

I'm struggling with this, too, so I know how hard it is. And everything I say here, I question as it relates to me. But if I had a friend in your and my own shoes, I'd tell him or her everything I have said in this post. I'd try to BE the kind of friend who makes that uncertain, "better" future seem like it is a real possibility.

[AMJ]

Opening a restaurant is not a sign that he has addressed his commitment issues that defined and ultimately destroyed your relationship.

 

Everything you said is true. I guess what hit me about him opening a restaurant is...it's something pretty huge to accomplish and it made me happy for him. And sad that we could have had this life together, but we don't, because that's not what he wanted. It would just be so much easier to get over him if he weren't this person that I still admire. He's successful, ambitious, responsible, hardworking..and it's been really difficult for me to find a man like him.

 

Maybe he thinks a relationship would weigh him down, and keep him from being the successful person he is. I'd never want to hold a person back, I'd hope the be the partner who helps him succeed and supports him. It's just sad, that's all.

 

I'm thankful that I don't have to see photos of him with a wife, or girlfriend. I'm pretty sure that would kill me.

[AMJ]

Hello LS,

 

Feeling a little down today and haven't posted here in ages. This time of year was always so significant in my relationship with him, and as fate would have it he popped up into my world again.

 

On a daily basis I've completely erased him from my thoughts, but every now and then I remember that I'm not at all over him. I'm still very afraid I'll never love anyone again nearly as much as I loved him, or will find anyone who will feel the same way about me.

 

I already know it's not normal to feel this way so many years after breaking up with someone. I know there's no future with him, I know it's over. Why won't my heart let go?

[ExpatInItaly]

Hello LS,

 

Feeling a little down today and haven't posted here in ages. This time of year was always so significant in my relationship with him, and as fate would have it he popped up into my world again.

 

On a daily basis I've completely erased him from my thoughts, but every now and then I remember that I'm not at all over him. I'm still very afraid I'll never love anyone again nearly as much as I loved him, or will find anyone who will feel the same way about me.

 

I already know it's not normal to feel this way so many years after breaking up with someone. I know there's no future with him, I know it's over. Why won't my heart let go?

 

Do you still check his social media or other goings-on? Have you had any contact with him these last couple years?

[basil67]

I'm so sorry AMJ. Have you blocked him on all social media?

[AMJ]

I haven't had any contact with him in several years, and had deleted him from facebook a while before the last time we spoke. He just requested to follow me on instagram. It's the smallest thing that shouldn't at all be a big deal, but it feels like getting hit by a truck. I haven't responded and feel frozen at the moment. I moved really far away and still am not able to actually move on.

I thought I'd moved on, and then something like this happens.

[BC1980]

I haven't had any contact with him in several years, and had deleted him from facebook a while before the last time we spoke. He just requested to follow me on instagram. It's the smallest thing that shouldn't at all be a big deal, but it feels like getting hit by a truck. I haven't responded and feel frozen at the moment. I moved really far away and still am not able to actually move on.

I thought I'd moved on, and then something like this happens.

 

Well, you are aware that it's not god to be so upset about his Instagram request. It's a good thing that you are aware of that. Reading over your posts, I think you might be romanticizing this guy and what you had. You were only together for 6 months, but it seems like you are nursing this fantasy that he will come back. Because you haven't been in physical contact and or in contact over social media, you've been nursing this idea in your head.

 

On again, off again relationships can be difficult to move on from because they never materialize completely or reach their potential. So you can get caught in this trap of "what if." If only we had the chance to really make a go of it, it would have worked. It's like you feel there is unfinished business, but it's living in a fantasy. It's banking on potential.

[bathtub-row]

Let the Instagram request stew for a few days before doing anything. Then see how you feel. Maybe he’s in a different place in his life now and may want to see if you’re available and receptive to him. Even if you are, don’t pounce on everything he does as though it means something. He hurt you and you need to proceed with caution.

 

Personally, I wouldn’t accept the request. If he wants to get in touch with you, he needs to do better than that. Raise your expectations.

[AMJ]

Yeah, no we are done, regardless. I'm just feeling a lot of sadness that I still care so much. Sad that I've dated a ton of people since him and not a single one of those attempts has even brought me anywhere close to the way I felt about him or felt with him. I just think I'm completely broken beyond all repair, and I've tried all I know how to try.

[Ms. Jackson]

I am sorry you are going through this, I am going through something similar, where I just can't let go of the person, even though we had a brief relationship of a few months this year.

I wish I could give you a solution, but I don't have.

If you were more successful than him, would it affect you then, him opening a restaurant?

 

If you do decide to let him back into your life, then please be much less available than before and raise your standards real high, such as another poster said and expect nothing short but a lot of action from him, in a positive manner.

[BC1980]

Yeah, no we are done, regardless. I'm just feeling a lot of sadness that I still care so much. Sad that I've dated a ton of people since him and not a single one of those attempts has even brought me anywhere close to the way I felt about him or felt with him. I just think I'm completely broken beyond all repair, and I've tried all I know how to try.

 

Maybe it's more about how you feel about where you are in your personal life as opposed to him specifically.

[AMJ]

I've had my heart broken before him, several times. I was always able to move on within a year or so. For whatever reason this one was different. There's few things worse than not being able to get over someone, so many years later.

 

Having all of these unresolved questions has something to do with the inability to move on. I mean there was nothing wrong in our relationship or our chemistry. We got along perfectly and complemented each other so well, genuinely had an appreciation for who the other person was, enjoyed our time together so much- and we were on the same page about all of those feelings.

 

And then I hear about couples who fight nonstop, nitpick each other, just generally can't get along with each other, who still fight to stay in a relationship.

 

Then I have a flashback of something he said or did that made me feel so completely loved and adored in the most genuine, no BS way...and I wonder- who walks away from something this wonderful?

 

I'm one of those people who can't stand not understanding something. So it's in my nature to pick apart and analyze anyway- I do this in all areas of my life.

 

So this feels like something bad that we can't explain, like a devastating hurricane. Which is hard to accept.

 

Adding to that, that I continue to analyze current relationships to avoid falling into the same situation that caused me so much pain before. It's hard to make sense of it when I still don't have clarity and I've rethought and thought about every single interaction with him over two years from every single angle.