Broke up when under stress, want to undo

[AlexDominico]

so was seeing this girl 3 month. catching serious feels. shes acting little cold, not hugging much, not showing much affection, seriously low eye contact, no future plans, etc. Now I wanna make sure I dont catch feels for someone who doesnt care..

 

so I brought up breaking up, talked a lot of crap how we are not going to work out and how she was kindo a rebound whatever. Dont know what possessed me, guess I wanted to know if she cares or not. talked crap about breaking up for 3 hours like an old woman, she didnt say much at first, then when pressed

 

she went along with breaking up, afterwards on way to airport I said maybe we should give it another try but she said its not gone work out. I gave her another chance to change mind, but she said no its not gone work.

 

Rereading what I just wrote its pretty clear the answer is she doesnt give a fuark about me. But maybe someone will tell me different, I guess only thing is I was the one who brought up breaking up. Maybe I was a little needy bich. Did I make the right decision? And does she really not see it working out, or did she say it because of my initial speech?

[yxalitis]

she doesnt give a fuark about me.

You got it there.

[MidwestUSA]

Yes, you made the right decision. For her. When you play games, sometimes you lose.

 

On behalf of women everywhere, thank you!

[strawberryshortstack]

It's possible that she actually wanted to break up and was hoping that you'd bring it up first. It's also possible that she didn't and then just went along with it to avoid sharing her true feelings about it.

 

This is why games are bad, and clear, direct communication is so important!

If you didn't truly want to break up, you shouldn't have said anything about that, and instead told her how her behavior made you feel.

 

Take a lesson from this and learn to communicate better in the future.

[LostOnes05]

Yep, you can blame yourself for this one bro. If you had asked to address issues of her being cold and she continued, then break up. But feigning a breakup and seeing if she would suddenly warm up to you was a terrible move. Like Midwest said, you played a game and you lost...Insert coin...10...9...you get the message.

[Buddhist]

This is what happens when you try and manipulate someone instead of being a mature communicator. In all likelihood you talked her into the idea that the relationship is dead in the water and convinced her, the best option is to walk away. Good job!

 

The problem with trying to test out someone's feeling by suggesting a break-up is that it instantly damages the relationship whether you are serious about breaking up or not. You plant a seed in the other person's mind that you aren't invested and don't care and would rather just not be in it. That seed, once planted will take root and eventually the relationship is doomed.

 

If you wanted to know her feelings you should have just said to her what you said to us. That her actions and behaviours are making you unsure about her, you want to be serious her but you don't know where she stands. Then shut up and let her talk. You never know, she might have been holding back her affections for the exact same reason as you, doesn't want to invest in someone who isn't in it for the long term.

 

In any case your relationship is irretrievable now, you trashed it by trying to get her to commit to you with an emotional manipulation. Hopefully you won't do that again.

[Toodaloo]

so I brought up breaking up, talked a lot of crap how we are not going to work out and how she was kindo a rebound whatever. Dont know what possessed me, guess I wanted to know if she cares or not. talked crap about breaking up for 3 hours like an old woman, she didnt say much at first, then when pressed she went along with breaking up,

 

So you spent 3 hours telling her why you should break up then you want her to run and say "Oh no you need to love me because its all a fairy tale..."

 

3 Hours?!

 

I wouldn't be hanging about either.

 

Next time don't play silly games.

[kendahke]

Games are for children.

 

If someone spent 3 hours convincing me that our relationship wasn't going to work, then I'd do him the favor of going along with it, since he's so invested in that outcome--otherwise why bring it up? Then for him to turn around and say "I'm just playing, girl..." would be the for real nail in that coffin. It would be over then.

[VeveCakes]

Don't suggest breaking up if you don't want to actually break up.

 

Life is not a movie.

 

You lost this one.

[Zahara]

The next time you want to talk about your relationship and where you stand with someone, communicate. Don't play games. You tried to provoke a reaction and it backfired on you. Plus, rambling for 3 hours about how it's not going to work would certainly turn anyone off.

 

Then you had the audacity to retract the break-up and offer her a second chance to change her mind after she agreed. Just weak and insecure behavior.

 

Since you felt her fading away and it wasn't making you happy, maybe this was all a good thing. Now you can move on.

[elaine567]

Any man sitting me down and speaking for 3 hours (3 hours!!!) about breaking up with me and telling me I am a rebound and how it will never work is only going to get one reaction.

Bye!

 

Even if he was the love of my life, no-one can stick around with someone that convinced it is going nowhere... 3 hours????

[ontar]

Wow you really blew it.

 

Him: "I think we should break up.. and here's why [proceed to talk for 3 hours about all the problems".

 

Her: "ok good plan"

 

Him "wait I didn't expect you to agree with me! Let's try again":.

 

Her: "Taxi!"

[Tribble]

So after all that you wanted her to convince you otherwise? And the fact she didn't meant she didn't care about you at all? Regardless of anything else, she just proved she had a little self respect. Thank goodness you're both out of this relationship. Forgetting her for a moment, you need to learn to communicate and not play games before you are fit to go anywhere near a relationship again.

[Miss Peach]

If a guy played that game on me, even if I was into him, I would just accept it and move on. The women who 'fight for you' are not the ones who are into you. They are the ones with no self respect or self esteem.

[mightycpa]

I know you were hoping for a different reply, and I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but what you really got was the answer you wanted in the long run. Honesty.

 

She didn't get over on you.

 

But imagine if she did care for you. Threatening to break up is not the way to have that conversation, because it hurts the both of you. Think of it as injuring or devaluing the relationship. You are giving the impression that your first resort is to quit.

 

Instead, collect your thoughts and your feelings, and organize them in a way that you can get your point across, calmly but clearly. Then speak those words to the girl, and see what she says. Keep your breakup option in your back pocket, just in case you need it, but don't pull it out in the first round.

[Wewon]

so I brought up breaking up, talked a lot of crap how we are not going to work out and how she was kindo a rebound whatever. Dont know what possessed me, guess I wanted to know if she cares or not. talked crap about breaking up for 3 hours like an old woman, she didnt say much at first, then when pressed

 

she went along with breaking up, afterwards on way to airport I said maybe we should give it another try but she said its not gone work out. I gave her another chance to change mind, but she said no its not gone work.

 

 

Sounds like you played games and instead of freaking her out and making her clingy you actually sold her on the idea. lol!

 

If it had been me I would have done the same thing, you actually made some pretty convincing arguments to break up, or at the very least you made her feel that you weren't really worth the effort.

[FeelingFireworks]

I'm interested in this thread because I've had a couple guys pull this 'fake-dump' thing on me just to assess my level of investment.

 

To just give one example, one ex of mine blew a minor disagreement way out of proportion and out of the blue told me I was ditched. Various vague reasons were used I left it alone for the rest of the day thinking he was having a 'moment' and would come round. After having not hear anything from him, I took his words as the truth, sent a message to say 'OK, I respect your wish to break up'. Immediately after, he contacted me to tell me he felt uneasy about it. In my case, ex was falling fast & deep for me, was unsure of my feelings and wanted to provoke them out of me (I suspected this and he later confirmed it). He spent the next 2 months unsuccessfully trying to win me back.

 

We're amicable today because I know he mishandled his vulnerability and meant nothing sinister from it. That being said, when someone starts using push/pull like that get reassurance, it's never truly an innocent action, because it creates a toxic basis for a relationship which fosters trust-issues and resentment.

 

So OP, please learn from this experience. Don't get me wrong, she may have wanted to split up judging from her body language, but now you are left wondering if that would've been her original decision or if this whole situation was ultimately of your own doing. Next time, communicate openly and clearly to remove that doubt. Plus, it's a very attractive trait if done right!!

[AlexDominico]

I'm interested in this thread because I've had a couple guys pull this 'fake-dump' thing on me just to assess my level of investment.

 

To just give one example, one ex of mine blew a minor disagreement way out of proportion and out of the blue told me I was ditched. Various vague reasons were used I left it alone for the rest of the day thinking he was having a 'moment' and would come round. After having not hear anything from him, I took his words as the truth, sent a message to say 'OK, I respect your wish to break up'. Immediately after, he contacted me to tell me he felt uneasy about it. In my case, ex was falling fast & deep for me, was unsure of my feelings and wanted to provoke them out of me (I suspected this and he later confirmed it). He spent the next 2 months unsuccessfully trying to win me back.

 

We're amicable today because I know he mishandled his vulnerability and meant nothing sinister from it. That being said, when someone starts using push/pull like that get reassurance, it's never truly an innocent action, because it creates a toxic basis for a relationship which fosters trust-issues and resentment.

 

So OP, please learn from this experience. Don't get me wrong, she may have wanted to split up judging from her body language, but now you are left wondering if that would've been her original decision or if this whole situation was ultimately of your own doing. Next time, communicate openly and clearly to remove that doubt. Plus, it's a very attractive trait if done right!!

 

OP here

 

Hey thanks for insightful reply.

 

Yes I definitely started to fall for her and wanted to know where we stand. Limited touchy body language suggested she might want a way out as she is very shy and its hard for her to break up. Also she was going back home and I wouldnt see her for 6 weeks, so I needed answers. At the same time I am under extreme stress right now which doesnt help.

 

 

I dont think she wanted to split up but at the same time I am not sure she is into it as MUCH as I am at this point.

 

 

I might give her one call just to see how she is but I doubt I will be chasing her as my previously experiences have taught me otherwise.

[AlexDominico]

Been stressed with business. LDR gf came over for 5 days, everything was good then on her last night I broke up with her because I didnt feel shes into me that much.

 

Looking back I was just stressed and she is into me, just all the stress made me focus on negatives and having unrealistic expectations.

 

Then I started talking crap about how this relationship wasnt ever serious for me and shes a rebound blahblahblah lots of extremely stupid things, guess I was looking for a reaction to see that she actually cares.

 

So this was two days ago, I havent contacted her since. I've given myself and her space to cool down.

 

But when is it acceptable to actually contact her, and should I call her or simple I am sorry text is a better starter.

 

 

i'll give contact one try and if nothing then I guess its best to move on as I am not going into chasing mode anytime soon in my life.

 

Thanks!

[Zapbasket]

Been stressed with business. LDR gf came over for 5 days, everything was good then on her last night I broke up with her because I didnt feel shes into me that much.

 

Looking back I was just stressed and she is into me, just all the stress made me focus on negatives and having unrealistic expectations.

 

Then I started talking crap about how this relationship wasnt ever serious for me and shes a rebound blahblahblah lots of extremely stupid things, guess I was looking for a reaction to see that she actually cares.

 

So this was two days ago, I havent contacted her since. I've given myself and her space to cool down.

 

But when is it acceptable to actually contact her, and should I call her or simple I am sorry text is a better starter.

 

 

i'll give contact one try and if nothing then I guess its best to move on as I am not going into chasing mode anytime soon in my life.

 

Thanks!

 

Good rule of thumb for the future: don't ever say hurtful things to provoke a reaction, especially things about how you "really" feel about a person or the relationship you have with them. Use this as an opportunity to mature into someone who communicates like an adult should: if you have issues or questions or insecurities about the relationship, bring them up with the other person, DIRECTLY.

 

As for this girl, if you feel bad (and you should), call her immediately, or go find her in person, and apologize for what you said. If you want to stay broken up, that's fine, but at least assure her that you didn't mean those things. I guarantee you she is some hybrid of furious with you and crying her eyes out at your words. Nothing stings more than hearing that you were a rebound and your partner was never serious about you.

 

Take it from me. Back in December I met up with my ex's mom as we were trying to maintain a friendship and she said to me, "I've told [my son/your ex] never again to introduce me to anyone he dates unless he's really serious about her," and just that brought me low for weeks. It was just the idea that perhaps my ex was never serious about me. I felt like a discard and so, so, so low my eyes fill with tears even now as I recall how that made me felt, sitting across from his mom at a restaurant and hearing that. I decided to let that friendship go because I don't ever want to even be in a social circle where my friendship, love, presence in people's lives isn't "serious" to them. No f*cking way.

 

I'm sure you made your ex feel pretty awful so I hope you will be a grown-up and take the necessary steps to fix it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Been stressed with business. LDR gf came over for 5 days, everything was good then on her last night I broke up with her because I didnt feel shes into me that much.

 

Looking back I was just stressed and she is into me, just all the stress made me focus on negatives and having unrealistic expectations.

 

Then I started talking crap about how this relationship wasnt ever serious for me and shes a rebound blahblahblah lots of extremely stupid things, guess I was looking for a reaction to see that she actually cares.

 

So this was two days ago, I havent contacted her since. I've given myself and her space to cool down.

 

But when is it acceptable to actually contact her, and should I call her or simple I am sorry text is a better starter.

 

 

i'll give contact one try and if nothing then I guess its best to move on as I am not going into chasing mode anytime soon in my life.

 

Thanks!

 

Holy crow...harsh, much?

 

OP, you screwed up. Big time. If you want a chance in hell of getting her back, you owe her an in-person apology. Texting is simply insufficient and cowardly.

 

Don't wait any longer to reach out to her. Honestly, if I were her and my boyfriend said something like that to me, it'd be over. In the future, learn to communicate your needs like an adult (with maturity) and do not resort to low blows. That isn't just stress talking. I don't think you have any idea how much words like that hurt.

 

Let us know how it goes.