My affair story - how it all started and ended (long one)

February 25, 2016

Cheating within your first year of marriage, says a lot! I'm wondering if the baby wasn't planned? The true commitment got to you & this is how you chose to deal with it...this is what it seems like to me.

I admire your honesty but you will get slammed bc a lot of BS do not want to hear that the WS actually cares about the AP, so they will tell you, you couldn't have been. I'm both WW & BS & I cared about my AP but I didn't lie to my husband about it. Any time someone has sex (in any situation) it can cause feelings.

If I were you, I'd get into some IC to understand where your commitment problems stem & how you will affair proof yourself & marriage later on. If you don't work on yourself now, you will be in trouble years down the road. A only happen when something is off within our relationship or ourselves. It would be smart to figure out now what the problem is to prevent bigger problems down the road.

Good luck

February 25, 2016

I admire your honesty but you will get slammed bc a lot of BS do not want to hear that the WS actually cares about the APbecause betraying the person you promised to love is wrong

OP, the only way to have an authentic marriage is to be honest.

February 25, 2016

OP, the only way to have an authentic marriage is to be honest.

That's no one's call here but the OP. No one can tell someone else how good their marriage is, one can only give advice or speak their truth...doesn't mean what worked for one person/couple will work for another. Not to mention many IC tell WS not to tell. It's too each is own.

February 25, 2016

Quote - ".....you will get slammed bc a lot of BS do not want to hear that the WS actually cares about the AP, so they will tell you, you couldn't have been."

REALLY?

Contrary to some views BS's are just human beings like everyone else. I for one believe that I'm more than 'deep' enough to comprehend that A's create feelings & WS can be deeply in love with their AP. I even know what it's like to find a man other than my H attractive. I really do!

Actively pursuing another woman while his beloved new bride is carrying his baby, having sex with his loved AP while his W is giving birth & caring for his new born baby is what disgusts me.

He didn't fall in love at first sight. He made choices to have an EA BEFORE he had any feelings other than fancying her! I think it's very wrong to be playing those sexy games BEFORE it went physical, BEFORE he had deep feelings.

Even if he said it was just sex & he hated the OW he would still be slammed! Even if I wasn't a BS I'd find his behavior repulsive. I like to believe that most human beings would!

February 25, 2016

Quote - ".....you will get slammed bc a lot of BS do not want to hear that the WS actually cares about the AP, so they will tell you, you couldn't have been."

REALLY?

Contrary to some views BS's are just human beings like everyone else. I for one believe that I'm more than 'deep' enough to comprehend that A's create feelings & WS can be deeply in love with their AP. I even know what it's like to find a man other than my H attractive. I really do!

Actively pursuing another woman while his beloved new bride is carrying his baby, having sex with his loved AP while his W is giving birth & caring for his new born baby is what disgusts me.

He didn't fall in love at first sight. He made choices to have an EA BEFORE he had any feelings other than fancying her! I think it's very wrong to be playing those sexy games BEFORE it went physical, BEFORE he had deep feelings.

Even if he said it was just sex & he hated the OW he would still be slammed! Even if I wasn't a BS I'd find his behavior repulsive. I like to believe that most human beings would!

I didn't defend it, at all!

He did it already & all the cutting him down won't make a difference. It happened, he wrote it wasn't right...what's the point of ALWAYS pointing out the obvious? All he can do is go from there. If someone says they care (we all ready know the A itself is wrong) what is the point of anyone having to say "you don't care". It's an advice forum...not let's repeat the obvious, over & over again.

February 25, 2016

I have been around here for quite sometime....and i have never heard any betrayed spouses get bent out of shape because the WS on a thread said they had feelings for an AP. Never.

So Who....I am not sure what you meant when you said that....you will get slammed bc a lot of BS do not want to hear that the WS actually cares about the AP, so they will tell you, you couldn't have been

He is going to get slammed....for many reasons.... Having feelings for his AP won't be one of them.

Cheating...lying.....screwing another woman while his wife was pregnant with his baby.....plotting to have an affair.....not confessing...mourning the loss of his AP....thinking that the affair will just fade in his mind.....putting his wife and baby at risk.....and having the gall to come here to tell others his marriage is saved....my God...he has a list a mile long for people to criticize him....but being in love with the AP....I don't believe is the big issue here.

February 25, 2016

That's no one's call here but the OP. No one can tell someone else how good their marriage is, one can only give advice or speak their truth...doesn't mean what worked for one person/couple will work for another. Not to mention many IC tell WS not to tell. It's too each is own.

I didn't say good marriage. I said authentic marriage. I am fully aware some people can call a marriage with lies and it's good. I do not agree.

February 25, 2016

I have been around here for quite sometime....and i have never heard any betrayed spouses get bent out of shape because the WS on a thread said they had feelings for an AP. Never.

So Who....I am not sure what you meant when you said that....you will get slammed bc a lot of BS do not want to hear that the WS actually cares about the AP, so they will tell you, you couldn't have been

He is going to get slammed....for many reasons.... Having feelings for his AP won't be one of them.

Cheating...lying.....screwing another woman while his wife was pregnant with his baby.....plotting to have an affair.....not confessing...mourning the loss of his AP....thinking that the affair will just fade in his mind.....putting his wife and baby at risk.....and having the gall to come here to tell others his marriage is saved....my God...he has a list a mile long for people to criticize him....but being in love with the AP....I don't believe is the big issue here.

I'm saying he came on here to talk about it. He's confused & you can tell, why continue to slam people when you can tell they know they were wrong. Him caring about the OW is why he's confused. He already knows he wasn't right. He needs advice & constructed criticism. What man is going to want to find out the truth about himself & situation after hearing people just repeat what a jerk he is? How is that constructive? That will just do the opposite to someone that wants to or is thinking about opening up...most will just shut down.

If he truly thought he was ok, he wouldn't have posted. He was reaching out in his own way. We all know by reading what he did was wrong. He knows he was wrong.

I think he would have been better posting in OM/OW bc he'd be able to be more open & that helps someone see more clearly sometimes then just hearing their wrong, when they already know.

February 25, 2016

He came here to warn others to not have an affair....His very first sentence......

I wish to share my story/experience with you, hoping it will prevent at least 1 person from having an affair and ruining his or her life.

He came here to tell us what he did...detail after detail about his affair and his OW...and said very little about his wife....but he did share this

I am glad my wife didn’t find out and my marriage is saved. And although I know many people in this forum think that I should tell her, I will not. I prefer to “punish” myself by keeping it inside me until it slowly fades away.

He did not come here to ask for advice...he did not say he is confused...he came here to warn others now that he has SAVED his marriage.

People here are going to tell him what they think....whether he wants to hear it or not. He posted and has not been back all day.....and we are now on page three.

February 25, 2016

Great, it's over. Now you can both move on to something healthy. It will get better with time.

February 25, 2016

He did not come here to ask for advice...he did not say he is confused...he came here to warn others now that he has SAVED his marriage.

Methinks he came here to re-live it by re-telling it. That incredibly long post (sorry, I stopped reading about 1/4 of the way in and started scrolling looking for a TL;DR but didn't see one) was really just a way for the OP to re-live the 'excitement' of his affair since he supposedly ended it. I think he just put the spin on it about it being "a warning to us" to justify why he wrote a post as long as War and Peace.

I don't believe that post was for us. LOL.

February 25, 2016

Methinks he came here to re-live it by re-telling it. That incredibly long post (sorry, I stopped reading about 1/4 of the way in and started scrolling looking for a TL;DR but didn't see one) was really just a way for the OP to re-live the 'excitement' of his affair since he supposedly ended it. I think he just put the spin on it about it being "a warning to us" to justify why he wrote a post as long as War and Peace.

methinks it is a story......designed to do exactly what it has done.

February 26, 2016

Do you know how you got into this affair?

She asked me: "Are you Happy?"

In the circumstances you describe - that question was an invitation and a boundary violation. From that point forward you turned explorer and began to question everything - juts one little sample at a time.

She didn't use you. She simply opened a door you had already knocked on. This affair was always only about you. That's why she was the one with the clarity to go NC.

February 26, 2016

Cheating within your first year of marriage, says a lot! I'm wondering if the baby wasn't planned? The true commitment got to you & this is how you chose to deal with it...this is what it seems like to me.

I admire your honesty but you will get slammed bc a lot of BS do not want to hear that the WS actually cares about the AP, so they will tell you, you couldn't have been. I'm both WW & BS & I cared about my AP but I didn't lie to my husband about it. Any time someone has sex (in any situation) it can cause feelings.

If I were you, I'd get into some IC to understand where your commitment problems stem & how you will affair proof yourself & marriage later on. If you don't work on yourself now, you will be in trouble years down the road. A only happen when something is off within our relationship or ourselves. It would be smart to figure out now what the problem is to prevent bigger problems down the road.

Good luck

There are plenty of WS/OW/OM who are anti-affair. It's not just BSs.

It's not that BSs don't want to hear that the affair partners cared about each other. It's that nobody wants to see this mans wife and child get hurt even more than they already have been. What OP did was cruel and he seems to have no remorse or any thoughts whatsoever for his wife and kid, but only for himself and the OW, who elected to put herself in this situation. Wife and child had no say in the matter..the wife deserves a say.

February 26, 2016

He came here to warn others to not have an affair....His very first sentence......

I wish to share my story/experience with you, hoping it will prevent at least 1 person from having an affair and ruining his or her life.

He came here to tell us what he did...detail after detail about his affair and his OW...and said very little about his wife....but he did share this

I am glad my wife didn’t find out and my marriage is saved. And although I know many people in this forum think that I should tell her, I will not. I prefer to “punish” myself by keeping it inside me until it slowly fades away.

He did not come here to ask for advice...he did not say he is confused...he came here to warn others now that he has SAVED his marriage.

People here are going to tell him what they think....whether he wants to hear it or not. He posted and has not been back all day.....and we are now on page three.

He's all messed up from it emotionally & he wants to warn others, bc he's not ok. You can tell by how he wrote this. He's still all screwed up & to be honest a lot of IC tell WS not to tell for the reason they are unleashing their guilt on to their spouse, if they're planning on staying married. You know I didn't do that & I'll tell anyone to be honest but some people won't & or believe that's how they saved their marriage. IMO, if he didn't feel guilt & truly didn't know he was wrong, he wouldn't have posted. He's lost.

February 26, 2016

It's not uncommon for young men who are just starting a family to subconsciously freak out at the impending responsibility of it all. Read "subconscious" as not aware of underlying anxiety.

I think perhaps, the OP still loved his wife and his unborn child... but it's possible that his subconscious anxiety sent him scrambling for the escape hatch, wide open to a predator.

February 26, 2016

There are plenty of WS/OW/OM who are anti-affair. It's not just BSs.

It's not that BSs don't want to hear that the affair partners cared about each other. It's that nobody wants to see this mans wife and child get hurt even more than they already have been. What OP did was cruel and he seems to have no remorse or any thoughts whatsoever for his wife and kid, but only for himself and the OW, who elected to put herself in this situation. Wife and child had no say in the matter..the wife deserves a say.

He has remorse, he's lost, scared & upset. Does it make what he did right, absolutely not but he's not emotionally right as of right now & it's bc he confused. I feel for his wife of course but she didn't reach out, he did & my advice for HIM...is get councling bc he definitely needs it.

February 26, 2016

He has remorse, he's lost, scared & upset. Does it make what he did right, absolutely not but he's not emotionally right as of right now & it's bc he confused. I feel for his wife of course but she didn't reach out, he did & my advice for HIM...is get councling bc he definitely needs it.

She didn't reach out because she doesn't know and therefore is incapable of making life-altering decisions about her own life. OP is the only one with the power to do that for the both of them right now, and it is unfair.

Perhaps we read his post differently but I read a post that was full of arrogance, selfishness, and pretend martyrdom. Not once in that post did he ask for help or advice. He posted as a cautionary tale..except it's not. He's just happy to have not gotten caught and worried about saving his own skin.

You come across as having a lot of bitterness towards BS in general..I don't know your story but I can only assume that you are an OW or a WS. Whatever did happen to you, I'm sorry that you've been hurt and I hope you're able to heal as time goes on.

February 26, 2016

I think perhaps, the OP still loved his wife and his unborn child... but it's possible that his subconscious anxiety sent him scrambling for the escape hatch, wide open to a predator.

LJ, usually enjoy your thoughtful posts. But "predator" ???

The OP is the one that rolled out of his AP's bed and went home to the comfort of his wife and child each night. She's about the least effective predator I've ever seen...

Mr. Lucky

February 26, 2016

LJ, usually enjoy your thoughtful posts. But "predator" ???

The OP is the one that rolled out of his AP's bed and went home to the comfort of his wife and child each night. She's about the least effective predator I've ever seen...

Mr. Lucky

I think sometimes that men don't like to think of women in that kind of terminology. But look at the OP's opening...

That night, she asked me if I wanted to join her outside for a smoke and I did. I did mention during our discussion that I was married and that my wife was pregnant. She asked “are you happy?” and I said “yes”...

Sounds predatory to me. If you and I were smoking a ciggie outside and I asked your status, you replied, "yeah, I'm married", and I responded, "okay, but are you happy"... what would YOU think?

Women can be just as predatory as men. We just disguise it better. The "damsel in distress", the "really good listener".... all designed to feed one's own self-esteem, to prove oneself BETTER than the competition.

Hate to say it, but sometimes gals can be pretty ****ed up.

February 26, 2016

OP, I understand you and feel the empathy and remorse in your post.

Sometimes these boards are filled with the same advice over and over ie. You arent sorry, disclose to your wife etc etc.

You are in a good place. I understand your pain and regret and wish to now remain loyal and the difficulty and PAIN associated with leaving behind the Ap and the dissalusionment of the affair fog.

I believe your remorse and feel the decision to NOT disclose the affair is personal and for YOU to decide.

I wish you the best in healing. It HURTS to let go and is CONFUSING to find you love two people.

Stay strong it sounds as though your marriage and family are worth it!!

February 26, 2016

I find it so interesting how we can all read the same dissertation...and see it in so many different ways.

Does that mean that we read it differently because of OUR life experiences?

I also think that we all define words differently. Take the word remorse for example. Some of us see remorse in this mans post....but most of us don't.

Some of us see arrogance....some of us see a broken man.

The op started this thread early this morning....and has not returned.

Hopefully he will be back to add more to his story tomorrow.

February 26, 2016

Sounds predatory to me. If you and I were smoking a ciggie outside and I asked your status, you replied, "yeah, I'm married", and I responded, "okay, but are you happy"... what would YOU think?

In his case, where even though he's newly married with a pregnant wife at home, he's gone outside for a one-on-one chat with a woman he's just met, I'd think it was a legitimate question. That's not something happily married men do.

Regardless, it's at best a cheesy pick-up line. If that's what it took to knock him off fidelity, he seems rather pre-disposed. Not much predation necessary...

Mr. Lucky

February 26, 2016

In his case, where even though he's newly married with a pregnant wife at home, he's gone outside for a one-on-one chat with a woman he's just met, I'd think it was a legitimate question. That's not something happily married men do.

Regardless, it's at best a cheesy pick-up line. If that's what it took to knock him off fidelity, he seems rather pre-disposed. Not much predation necessary...

Mr. Lucky

Well, you have to remember that most places relegate smokers to the outdoors these days, so it's not unusual for people who barely know each other to stand outside and chat casually while they get their nic fix. As a former smoker, I found that line of questioning rather suspicious. Although I'll grant you, I think this guy was probably quite susceptible already.

Sometimes that's because of underlying anxiety of impending fatherhood and lurking responsibility though. In those instances, a pregnant wife at home makes a young man more likely to mess up rather than less.

February 26, 2016

We'll close this one up until the thread-starter returns and uses the Alert Us button to request it be re-opened.

Thanks,

~6

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My affair story - how it all started and ended (long one)

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