My affair story - how it all started and ended (long one)

[juliuscaesar]

I wish to share my story/experience with you, hoping it will prevent at least 1 person from having an affair and ruining his or her life. The problem is that many people, like me, probably visit this kind of forums AFTER the affair started and when it’s already too difficult to stop. But if I had read all these posts without having the experience of an affair, they would seem so ridiculous to me . I would think “why are persons that start an affair so weak? How could they get themselves in such a deep mess? Can’t they be responsible? They shouldn’t act on their feelings! Don’t they see that they are ruining their lives and the ones of the people around them?” Ha!!

 

(apologies for the very lengthy of the post and any mistakes since English is not my mother tongue)

 

Some background first:

I am 32 and married for 2 years now (our relationship started 8 years before we got married). We now have a little baby (few months old). My wife is a wonderful woman and in general there are no serious issues in our marriage. We are both ‘independent’ persons with very good jobs and good salaries. We go out together and we also go out separately with our friends when we want. No pressure, no stress, no jealousy from either side. She trusts me with her life and I trust her too. I consider our marriage and relationship very healthy and this is how it’s also perceived by everyone around us. I never cheated before and never felt the need to flirt other women. I always felt happy and complete in my relationship/marriage. I also considered myself as man of integrity and one who sticks to his work, ethics, morals and values (poor me, little did I know that my whole world would be shaken…).

 

The OW

About 9 months ago I met this woman, the OW (who comes from another country and moved here for different reason) who at that time worked for a company that I was also associating with, as part of my second job (which is my hobby – but also making some extra money off of it). She lives in a different city, about 1-hour drive away from mine and is about the same age as me. At first our contact was only through facebook messages, as she needed to contact me for business related issues. One night we met at a bar (I was with my friends, she was with hers) and although there was something I found interesting and exciting about her, I kept my distance as I was trying not to let myself do any stupid things (e.g. develop feelings or let her think that I am available). That night, she asked me if I wanted to join her outside for a smoke and I did. I did mention during our discussion that I was married and that my wife was pregnant. She asked “are you happy?” and I said “yes”, saying also that in a marriage both persons have to compromise and respect each other etc. Nothing physical or strange happened that night.

 

After a few days we started exchanging messages over FB (not business related) (I kind of started it but she was more than happy to answer back every time) and without even realising it, few weeks later we started to develop a strong bond and were sending messages to each other from the moment we woke up until bedtime. It was crazy! She told me about her life..Her parents had divorced when she was young and she realised that her troubled childhood made her cautious about people in general and she was finding it difficult to trust men. But for some reason she felt she could trust me and that she could rely on me about anything.

 

We became addicted to each other. We both loved the attention. Our connection was so strong and we were compatible in many aspects – we both called each other “psycho” because we were both obsessive about many things. We liked the same type of music, same type of movies, same activities etc.

 

Why, oh why did I let myself get into this trap? Well cheating should not ever be justified by any reasons. At that point I was naive enough to think that “this is not cheating”, “just a flirt…just a game”, “it will end soon…I can end it….I will not let it develop into something that I cannot manage and it will not affect me…”. I guess I was going through some kind of “crisis” and I needed the attention, my ego needed a boost and wanted to feel desired and wanted again. And although I am always trying to control my thoughts and emotions and to think clearly under any circumstances, this “thing” really sucked me in!!!

 

During the next few weeks (2 months since I first met her) we tried repeatedly to end the EA. It was so hard for both (or both of us were so weak!) and we kept running back to each other. We were talking about our day, our daily issues, life in general and the emotional bond and intimacy that was developed was crazy! Of course we were also sending dirty messages and sexy photos etc. We both wanted to meet each other but we were resisting it. Sometimes I was stronger and said we shouldn’t ever meet. Sometimes it was her saying it would get harder to stop if we met and if things turned into a EA/PA. At some point she started dating guy and it really bothered me. I was super jealous (and in general I am not the kind of guy who is jealous). However I acted as if it was normal and told her she should live her life as I cannot offer her what an available guy could. Again we tried to end it, with no success (as if some divine power didn’t want it to end – being sarcastic). She said she was trying to make her relationship with that guy work, but she was comparing him with me in many aspects and this caused tension in their relationship. Eventually she broke up with him a few weeks later, despite having feelings for him. Our EA continued and there were times she was very sad for not being able to have me in her life in a normal relationship. And i was also sad for not being able to make her happy the way she wanted.

 

I never said to her that i was unhappy in my marriage (because I wasn’t) and never ever said a bad thing about my wife. I never made any promises to her. Quite the opposite. I was always praising my wife and how wonderful she is. And of course we both asked each other “Why are we doing this?” and we were saying that we were ruining each other’s life. I must say that she could see more clearly how this affair could affect me and my life but I was confident that my life would not be ruined or it would not be affected as much. Of course, I had to be careful so that the wife would never find out. I was always trying to find reasons to be alone so that I could call her, text her etc. At some point I became so good at it that I was scared of myself. I thought I was becoming a psycho and a professional liar! Did I feel guilty? Of course I did! Every single day! At home i was confused and distracted all the time because of all the thoughts running through ny head! But the passion I had for the OW wouldn’t let me think clearly (“affair fog”? ding ding) or realise the amount of pain I was going to cause to my wife and people around me. I was also thinking that being able to feel these feelings and emotions (highs and lows) is like a “gift” to anyone that can feel them, even if one day this affair would end! It felt like falling in love again. Was is truly like that? Sometimes I think it was and sometimes I think it wasn’t!

 

To cut a long story short (which is already very long), 3 months after I first met her (2 of which were spent in non-stop texting/calling/flirting/sexting) we decided to meet! Needless to say, after that night our EA turned into a EA/PA. The sex and passion was amazing – we were very compatible sexually. Then it got worse. We wanted to see and feel each other more often. And we did. In total, we must have met about 10 times during which we had passionate sex. We were crazy for each other! As in most probably all affair experiences in this forum, we both felt like we were soulmates and destined for each other! I started to think “Am I really happy with my wife? Can this new woman make me happier? Is this the woman I should be with?” And then the guilt would set in and I would beat up myself for cheating on my wife and for even thinking like that and having doubts about my marriage and my wife (who was pregnant with my baby!).

 

What the hell was I doing?? I was trying to convince myself that it’s just sex and nothing else, but while being in the “affair fog” (the “affair fog” exists and is very real!!!) I could not think clearly! The thrill, the secretive nature of the affair, the sex and passion was amazing!!!! It made me feel alive again and it was so addictive!!! I remember telling the OW that she was like a drug to me and without her I would become sick!

 

The EA/PA lasted for 3 months and we reached a point where the OW wanted me for herself only and needed me by her side (of course I never wanted her to be with anyone else – I also wanted her to be only with me also and didn’t want her to meet or date other guys – that’s part of the selfishness, possessiveness and obsessiveness in an affair). But she never asked me to or made me choose. There was never a deadline. She was still there. I am sure she was waiting for me to leave my wife but she would never ASK me to do it. She said she wanted me to decide that by myself without any pressure from her. I never said or suggested that I would leave my wife and baby or even suggest that I might, but while I was in the “affair fog” I was indeed thinking and wondering whether I should make such a move. But THANK GOD for not letting me do such a stupid thing and for making me consider about the pain that I would cause to my wife and the people around me if I ever did such a thing.

 

The OW was sometimes telling me that everything would inevitably be over when the baby would be born and I was saying that my feelings for her would not change and that I will always love her (this is what I believed at that time!). She said I would not have time for her and that I would become frustrated at home for not being able to talk to her and she also cared about me and my family's wellbeing. Her parents had divorced and she was saying to me that she didn’t want my children to have a step-mom, as she had a bad experience with hers. Her caring, made me be even more crazy about her! I believe my feelings for her were real. I cared about her and I supported her financially as she lost her job and didn’t have any source of income (of course at some point I was thinking that she could be using me so that I could support her – and now you, the reader, will probably think that I was using her for sex – but no it wasn’t like that). I wanted to make her happy and wanted to help her. I wanted to be the man she could rely on, but not in a manipulative way so that I could get sex. However there were times we were obsessed and possessive with each other (thinking she would meet another guy whenever she went out to parties drove me crazy!) which was not healthy of course and I didn’t like it. I feel so selfish and stupid when I reflect back on my emotions, feelings and behaviour now. I was always telling the OW that when the time comes and she wants to end it, I would respect her decision and would not chase her. There were times that I felt so bad for her that I told her “I know you are hurting and I hate being the reason that you are sad, it’s unfair for you so let’s stop” and she used to say “no, I love you, you make me happy”. I am still not sure if that was the reason she could not end it or if she was the kind of woman that hated being alone and was waiting to find another guy. Whatever it is, who am I to judge her? I am not blaming her.

 

When the baby was born things changed rapidly. I didn’t have time to call her, text her as often as before and was caught up with things that I was doing at home for the baby and helping/supporting my wife. Becoming a father made me feel even more guilty. One more reason why I shouldn’t act in such a selfish way and try to end the affair (as if more reasons were needed)!

 

My feelings for the OW didn’t change and I was indeed frustrated that I couldn’t talk to her or text her as before (as the OW predicted – obviously women know more about these things) but was also realising that my place is home with my wife and my baby for whom I am responsible, and that since I would never take a decision to leave my family, the affair with the OW should end. But I didn’t have the courage or strength to do it.

 

Two weeks later and after a series of highs and lows (mostly lows) the OW in a firm but kind way said we should end it and that she felt it’s the right time for both to do and I although I didn’t like it, I didn’t try to convince her otherwise because I was realising things would only get worse for both. The first 1-2 days I felt relieved. The days after, the pain was unbearable. I was thinking about her non-stop. I wanted to know if she was doing well (as she still hadn’t found a job at that time and had no income). We didn’t say anything about going NC. But I didn’t text her or call her as I thought that I shouldn’t. I only sent a FB message once to see how she was in general and she replied in a friendly way. A week later, she blocked me on FB. For me, that was like building a very tall and thick wall between us (fb was our main mean of communication and that’s why it felt so bad when she did it). At first I went crazy. Why did she do it? How could she? How can two persons that loved each other so much, become strangers in 1 day? Then I thought that it was for the better because I am sure she was checking on my profile every day as I was also checking hers for signs and this would make it worse for both of us to move on. I also thought that my family needed me 100% and I shouldn’t spend more energy on the OW.

 

During the first month after the affair ended, I cried a lot whenever I stayed alone. I was trying to find space to grieve (with a wife and a baby at home this is not easy). I couldn’t let go completely. Although I was keeping myself busy with my baby and wife, she was stuck on my mind. “Did I do the right thing to let her go? Where is she? Did she meet another guy? Is he better than me? Does she still think about me? Should I text her to see how she is? Should I just let go and forget about her?” We all know what the right thing to do is, but sometimes it’s just so difficult to do it. I am not the kind of person who would harass another person and I always respect the other person’s decision. So after the FB block there was no chance that I was going to contact her. It was clear she didn’t want me to.

 

Today, 4 months after all ended, things are getting better. But there are good days and bad days. On the good ones I am thinking “thank god this is over without anyone apart from me and the OW getting hurt”, “there are no soulmates…it was just an affair and it’s over, the intensity of the feelings was not normal but because of the forbidden and secretive nature of the affair,“thank god that I was so stupid to leave my family as I was going to regret it every second”. On the bad days I still think “I miss her so much! did I let my soulmate go? Is she still thinking about me like I do? I hope she never forgets about me”. It’s stupid I know but at least I am not acting on these feelings and thoughts. I just process them and let them pass.

 

The end of the affair left me feeling empty with a lot of unanswered questions: Was it real? Were our feelings real? Did she use me? Was I (subconsciously) using her? Why did I let this happen? How could I do that? Will or should I see her again? Can we ever be friends? But I do realise these questions mostly have to do with my ego and nothing else. I believe that I did honestly loved her and probably i still do have feelings. But I definitely don’t want to re-start the affair (or any affair for that matter!) and I want to forget about her. And as much as I hate it (because it’s painful) and don’t want to admit it, NC seems to be the ONLY way to heal and move on.

 

As the OW said, “now that you have a baby, you have 100000 more feelings that will replace the feelings you once had for me and it will be easier for you to forget me”. And the birth of my baby really helped in being able to move on without succumbing to the urge to contact her again. On one hand, I am thankful to her for ending the affair before my wife found out or before I would do something stupid.

 

Things DO get a lot better with time and it’s something I couldn’t realise right after the affair ended. You just have to TRUST THAT THEY WILL (as you cannot realise it beforehand), be patient, process the feelings as they come and restrain yourself from doing any more damage with your actions (i.e. breaking NC). The worst part is having to live with the guilt until you forget about it ever happened (if ever). Because I once considered myself a man of integrity, it will be hard for me to ever forgive myself about what I have done. I betrayed my wife and my family, I hurt the OW (because she wanted to be with me and I wasn’t) and I lost respect for myself.

 

I am glad my wife didn’t find out and my marriage is saved. And although I know many people in this forum think that I should tell her, I will not. I prefer to “punish” myself by keeping it inside me until it slowly fades away.

I am now committed to my family 100% (without refusing the fact that I think about the OW almost every day). I am being realistic, trying to accept that I did a huge mistake and I know that time will make things better.

 

To all MM/MW and potential OW/OM out there thinking of having an affair:

 

IT’S NOT WORTH IT! YOU WILL REGRET IT WHEN IT’S OVER – BECAUSE SOMEDAY IT WILL – AND IT WILL BE DEVASTATING FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED

[Mrs. John Adams]

Interesting story.....and I will be very direct. First...the man in this story was only married one year when he cheated. One year? My God...that's still honeymoon!

 

Second....he did not tell his wife about an affair that lasted for MONTHS....during which...the wife was PREGNANT.

 

This man ...was never found out...never confessed...grieves for his affair partner and thinks about her still after four months.

 

Now he is transformed and telling others how to find their way in the sea of infidelity!

 

Reconciliation...takes the rest of your life. It takes transparency...it takes loyalty...it takes remorse....it takes forgiveness. It is not a game....lives are forever changed and damaged. A truly remorseful person...takes responsibility for their actions and does everything they can to repair the marriage.

 

The man in this story....will more than likely cheat again.

[jenkins95]

juliuscaesar

 

Wow. That's had quite an effect on me. I am sitting here shaking and fighting away the tears. Why? Because so much of your story is so similar to mine and I very much relate to lots of what you say. The main differences are that I had been married several years before my affair happened (over a decade) and I did tell my wife. To see what I mean, please read the thread originated by me last July if you are interested.

 

I am glad that you have come here and I really hope it aids your recovery - it has helped me immensely.

 

Just a word of warning....... You will likely get lots of support, but don't expect everyone to go easy on you - you may well get attacked by some posters and you may expect this. As was the case with me, you will be seen by many as an out and out cheater and a cake eater, and many of the people who express this view will have themselves been hurt be people like you and I and their opinion is valid and justified. I used those kind of posts to really appreciate the wrong path I had taken and the damage I was potentially doing to so many people. Mrs JA has already sent a stern reply. She is a very knowledgeable, fair and experienced poster and what she says should always be taken very seriously. You may get many replies a lot harsher than this.

 

I will have more to say to this thread soon, but I feel very emotional after reading that and will probably have a break for a while. Know that you are not alone. I can see from your posts that you regret it and realise that you did a stupid thing, just like me. You seem very genuine in your remorse. You and i know that it is all too easy to fall in this way, even when we weren't looking to at all - and that is by no means any kind of excuse, because as you say, there are none. You now need time to recover, understand what you did, commit 100% to your family (as you say you are) and continue on your road to recovery. It's a long road - stick to it.

 

I wish you all the very best. Keep posting.

Edited February 25, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Interesting story.....and I will be very direct. First...the man in this story was only married one year when he cheated. One year? My God...that's still honeymoon!

 

Second....he did not tell his wife about an affair that lasted for MONTHS....during which...the wife was PREGNANT.

 

This man ...was never found out...never confessed...grieves for his affair partner and thinks about her still after four months.

 

Now he is transformed and telling others how to find their way in the sea of infidelity!

 

Reconciliation...takes the rest of your life. It takes transparency...it takes loyalty...it takes remorse....it takes forgiveness. It is not a game....lives are forever changed and damaged. A truly remorseful person...takes responsibility for their actions and does everything they can to repair the marriage.

 

The man in this story....will more than likely cheat again.

 

Good post as ever Mrs JA. The only thing I don't agree with is that he will cheat again. He seems like me - stupidity, curiosity, naivety and letting his guard down led him down a path which he didn't really go looking for, but when found, could not easily be escaped from. But the whole experience has had such an effect on him that I genuinely don't think he'd risk doing this again....... Even to himself, let alone the risk he'd put on his family. I really think (and desperately hope) that he's learned so much from this and will NEVER again put himself in a position of such selfishness and risk again.

[Mrs. John Adams]

He has no accountability....he got by with it. Right now....he feels bad because he has a new baby. What happens in 10 years?

 

I live in a glass house....I don't throw stones....but this man has only changed one thing in his life....he broke up with his girlfriend.

 

 

I prefer to “punish” myself by keeping it inside me until it slowly fades away.

 

He has absolutely no idea what he has done....this statement he made...tells it all.

[Liam1]

 

The end of the affair left me feeling empty with a lot of unanswered questions: Was it real? Were our feelings real? Did she use me? Was I (subconsciously) using her? Why did I let this happen? How could I do that? Will or should I see her again? Can we ever be friends? But I do realise these questions mostly have to do with my ego and nothing else. I believe that I did honestly loved her and probably i still do have feelings. But I definitely don’t want to re-start the affair (or any affair for that matter!) and I want to forget about her. And as much as I hate it (because it’s painful) and don’t want to admit it, NC seems to be the ONLY way to heal and move on.

 

 

 

I did not love my OW. It was never an issue. I have heard of men who do pine for the OW and I am sorry you are one of those and going through this

 

Things that may help:

 

Yes, it was real. It was infatuation and limerance. You two never got a chance to really play house together, so you will never know what married life would be with this woman.

 

Also, your affair apparently had not played out to the point where your affair partner was an annoyance rather than a pleasant distraction.

 

Yes, you were likely using each other.

 

No you can never be friends.

 

I lost interest in the AP fairly quickly because she started to become very demanding. Yours cut you loose. So you never got to know her very well.

 

Yes. NC is the best thing for you, IMO.

 

But also try to visualize what it would be like married to this woman.

 

When she asked you if you were happily married, that is cheater code for I am open to an affair, and I hope you complain about your wife. Even if you don't complain about her, I am still available. That's what those words meant when your OW said them to you.

 

No spouse is perfect, so any normal person knows that in a marriage there are many areas of disagreement after the long haul.

 

Also, visualize what a relationship with someone who is so aggressively seeking an affair with a married man would be like in the long haul.

 

Why does she need a married man. Why not go after a single one?

 

Yes, she was obviously attracted to you, but there are lots of attractive single men. Was the added thrill of having you fall in love with her part of her ego game?

 

Anyway, Sorry that you are going through this.

[Furious]

I wish to share my story/experience with you, hoping it will prevent at least 1 person from having an affair and ruining his or her life. The problem is that many people, like me, probably visit this kind of forums AFTER the affair started and when it’s already too difficult to stop. But if I had read all these posts without having the experience of an affair, they would seem so ridiculous to me . I would think “why are persons that start an affair so weak? How could they get themselves in such a deep mess? Can’t they be responsible? They shouldn’t act on their feelings! Don’t they see that they are ruining their lives and the ones of the people around them?” Ha!!

 

(apologies for the very lengthy of the post and any mistakes since English is not my mother tongue)

 

Some background first:

I am 32 and married for 2 years now (our relationship started 8 years before we got married). We now have a little baby (few months old). My wife is a wonderful woman and in general there are no serious issues in our marriage. We are both ‘independent’ persons with very good jobs and good salaries. We go out together and we also go out separately with our friends when we want. No pressure, no stress, no jealousy from either side. She trusts me with her life and I trust her too. I consider our marriage and relationship very healthy and this is how it’s also perceived by everyone around us. I never cheated before and never felt the need to flirt other women. I always felt happy and complete in my relationship/marriage. I also considered myself as man of integrity and one who sticks to his work, ethics, morals and values (poor me, little did I know that my whole world would be shaken…).

 

The OW

About 9 months ago I met this woman, the OW (who comes from another country and moved here for different reason) who at that time worked for a company that I was also associating with, as part of my second job (which is my hobby – but also making some extra money off of it). She lives in a different city, about 1-hour drive away from mine and is about the same age as me. At first our contact was only through facebook messages, as she needed to contact me for business related issues. One night we met at a bar (I was with my friends, she was with hers) and although there was something I found interesting and exciting about her, I kept my distance as I was trying not to let myself do any stupid things (e.g. develop feelings or let her think that I am available). That night, she asked me if I wanted to join her outside for a smoke and I did. I did mention during our discussion that I was married and that my wife was pregnant. She asked “are you happy?” and I said “yes”, saying also that in a marriage both persons have to compromise and respect each other etc. Nothing physical or strange happened that night.

 

After a few days we started exchanging messages over FB (not business related) (I kind of started it but she was more than happy to answer back every time) and without even realising it, few weeks later we started to develop a strong bond and were sending messages to each other from the moment we woke up until bedtime. It was crazy! She told me about her life..Her parents had divorced when she was young and she realised that her troubled childhood made her cautious about people in general and she was finding it difficult to trust men. But for some reason she felt she could trust me and that she could rely on me about anything.

 

We became addicted to each other. We both loved the attention. Our connection was so strong and we were compatible in many aspects – we both called each other “psycho” because we were both obsessive about many things. We liked the same type of music, same type of movies, same activities etc.

 

Why, oh why did I let myself get into this trap? Well cheating should not ever be justified by any reasons. At that point I was naive enough to think that “this is not cheating”, “just a flirt…just a game”, “it will end soon…I can end it….I will not let it develop into something that I cannot manage and it will not affect me…”. I guess I was going through some kind of “crisis” and I needed the attention, my ego needed a boost and wanted to feel desired and wanted again. And although I am always trying to control my thoughts and emotions and to think clearly under any circumstances, this “thing” really sucked me in!!!

 

During the next few weeks (2 months since I first met her) we tried repeatedly to end the EA. It was so hard for both (or both of us were so weak!) and we kept running back to each other. We were talking about our day, our daily issues, life in general and the emotional bond and intimacy that was developed was crazy! Of course we were also sending dirty messages and sexy photos etc. We both wanted to meet each other but we were resisting it. Sometimes I was stronger and said we shouldn’t ever meet. Sometimes it was her saying it would get harder to stop if we met and if things turned into a EA/PA. At some point she started dating guy and it really bothered me. I was super jealous (and in general I am not the kind of guy who is jealous). However I acted as if it was normal and told her she should live her life as I cannot offer her what an available guy could. Again we tried to end it, with no success (as if some divine power didn’t want it to end – being sarcastic). She said she was trying to make her relationship with that guy work, but she was comparing him with me in many aspects and this caused tension in their relationship. Eventually she broke up with him a few weeks later, despite having feelings for him. Our EA continued and there were times she was very sad for not being able to have me in her life in a normal relationship. And i was also sad for not being able to make her happy the way she wanted.

 

I never said to her that i was unhappy in my marriage (because I wasn’t) and never ever said a bad thing about my wife. I never made any promises to her. Quite the opposite. I was always praising my wife and how wonderful she is. And of course we both asked each other “Why are we doing this?” and we were saying that we were ruining each other’s life. I must say that she could see more clearly how this affair could affect me and my life but I was confident that my life would not be ruined or it would not be affected as much. Of course, I had to be careful so that the wife would never find out. I was always trying to find reasons to be alone so that I could call her, text her etc. At some point I became so good at it that I was scared of myself. I thought I was becoming a psycho and a professional liar! Did I feel guilty? Of course I did! Every single day! At home i was confused and distracted all the time because of all the thoughts running through ny head! But the passion I had for the OW wouldn’t let me think clearly (“affair fog”? ding ding) or realise the amount of pain I was going to cause to my wife and people around me. I was also thinking that being able to feel these feelings and emotions (highs and lows) is like a “gift” to anyone that can feel them, even if one day this affair would end! It felt like falling in love again. Was is truly like that? Sometimes I think it was and sometimes I think it wasn’t!

 

To cut a long story short (which is already very long), 3 months after I first met her (2 of which were spent in non-stop texting/calling/flirting/sexting) we decided to meet! Needless to say, after that night our EA turned into a EA/PA. The sex and passion was amazing – we were very compatible sexually. Then it got worse. We wanted to see and feel each other more often. And we did. In total, we must have met about 10 times during which we had passionate sex. We were crazy for each other! As in most probably all affair experiences in this forum, we both felt like we were soulmates and destined for each other! I started to think “Am I really happy with my wife? Can this new woman make me happier? Is this the woman I should be with?” And then the guilt would set in and I would beat up myself for cheating on my wife and for even thinking like that and having doubts about my marriage and my wife (who was pregnant with my baby!).

 

What the hell was I doing?? I was trying to convince myself that it’s just sex and nothing else, but while being in the “affair fog” (the “affair fog” exists and is very real!!!) I could not think clearly! The thrill, the secretive nature of the affair, the sex and passion was amazing!!!! It made me feel alive again and it was so addictive!!! I remember telling the OW that she was like a drug to me and without her I would become sick!

 

The EA/PA lasted for 3 months and we reached a point where the OW wanted me for herself only and needed me by her side (of course I never wanted her to be with anyone else – I also wanted her to be only with me also and didn’t want her to meet or date other guys – that’s part of the selfishness, possessiveness and obsessiveness in an affair). But she never asked me to or made me choose. There was never a deadline. She was still there. I am sure she was waiting for me to leave my wife but she would never ASK me to do it. She said she wanted me to decide that by myself without any pressure from her. I never said or suggested that I would leave my wife and baby or even suggest that I might, but while I was in the “affair fog” I was indeed thinking and wondering whether I should make such a move. But THANK GOD for not letting me do such a stupid thing and for making me consider about the pain that I would cause to my wife and the people around me if I ever did such a thing.

 

The OW was sometimes telling me that everything would inevitably be over when the baby would be born and I was saying that my feelings for her would not change and that I will always love her (this is what I believed at that time!). She said I would not have time for her and that I would become frustrated at home for not being able to talk to her and she also cared about me and my family's wellbeing. Her parents had divorced and she was saying to me that she didn’t want my children to have a step-mom, as she had a bad experience with hers. Her caring, made me be even more crazy about her! I believe my feelings for her were real. I cared about her and I supported her financially as she lost her job and didn’t have any source of income (of course at some point I was thinking that she could be using me so that I could support her – and now you, the reader, will probably think that I was using her for sex – but no it wasn’t like that). I wanted to make her happy and wanted to help her. I wanted to be the man she could rely on, but not in a manipulative way so that I could get sex. However there were times we were obsessed and possessive with each other (thinking she would meet another guy whenever she went out to parties drove me crazy!) which was not healthy of course and I didn’t like it. I feel so selfish and stupid when I reflect back on my emotions, feelings and behaviour now. I was always telling the OW that when the time comes and she wants to end it, I would respect her decision and would not chase her. There were times that I felt so bad for her that I told her “I know you are hurting and I hate being the reason that you are sad, it’s unfair for you so let’s stop” and she used to say “no, I love you, you make me happy”. I am still not sure if that was the reason she could not end it or if she was the kind of woman that hated being alone and was waiting to find another guy. Whatever it is, who am I to judge her? I am not blaming her.

 

When the baby was born things changed rapidly. I didn’t have time to call her, text her as often as before and was caught up with things that I was doing at home for the baby and helping/supporting my wife. Becoming a father made me feel even more guilty. One more reason why I shouldn’t act in such a selfish way and try to end the affair (as if more reasons were needed)!

 

My feelings for the OW didn’t change and I was indeed frustrated that I couldn’t talk to her or text her as before (as the OW predicted – obviously women know more about these things) but was also realising that my place is home with my wife and my baby for whom I am responsible, and that since I would never take a decision to leave my family, the affair with the OW should end. But I didn’t have the courage or strength to do it.

 

Two weeks later and after a series of highs and lows (mostly lows) the OW in a firm but kind way said we should end it and that she felt it’s the right time for both to do and I although I didn’t like it, I didn’t try to convince her otherwise because I was realising things would only get worse for both. The first 1-2 days I felt relieved. The days after, the pain was unbearable. I was thinking about her non-stop. I wanted to know if she was doing well (as she still hadn’t found a job at that time and had no income). We didn’t say anything about going NC. But I didn’t text her or call her as I thought that I shouldn’t. I only sent a FB message once to see how she was in general and she replied in a friendly way. A week later, she blocked me on FB. For me, that was like building a very tall and thick wall between us (fb was our main mean of communication and that’s why it felt so bad when she did it). At first I went crazy. Why did she do it? How could she? How can two persons that loved each other so much, become strangers in 1 day? Then I thought that it was for the better because I am sure she was checking on my profile every day as I was also checking hers for signs and this would make it worse for both of us to move on. I also thought that my family needed me 100% and I shouldn’t spend more energy on the OW.

 

During the first month after the affair ended, I cried a lot whenever I stayed alone. I was trying to find space to grieve (with a wife and a baby at home this is not easy). I couldn’t let go completely. Although I was keeping myself busy with my baby and wife, she was stuck on my mind. “Did I do the right thing to let her go? Where is she? Did she meet another guy? Is he better than me? Does she still think about me? Should I text her to see how she is? Should I just let go and forget about her?” We all know what the right thing to do is, but sometimes it’s just so difficult to do it. I am not the kind of person who would harass another person and I always respect the other person’s decision. So after the FB block there was no chance that I was going to contact her. It was clear she didn’t want me to.

 

Today, 4 months after all ended, things are getting better. But there are good days and bad days. On the good ones I am thinking “thank god this is over without anyone apart from me and the OW getting hurt”, “there are no soulmates…it was just an affair and it’s over, the intensity of the feelings was not normal but because of the forbidden and secretive nature of the affair,“thank god that I was so stupid to leave my family as I was going to regret it every second”. On the bad days I still think “I miss her so much! did I let my soulmate go? Is she still thinking about me like I do? I hope she never forgets about me”. It’s stupid I know but at least I am not acting on these feelings and thoughts. I just process them and let them pass.

 

The end of the affair left me feeling empty with a lot of unanswered questions: Was it real? Were our feelings real? Did she use me? Was I (subconsciously) using her? Why did I let this happen? How could I do that? Will or should I see her again? Can we ever be friends? But I do realise these questions mostly have to do with my ego and nothing else. I believe that I did honestly loved her and probably i still do have feelings. But I definitely don’t want to re-start the affair (or any affair for that matter!) and I want to forget about her. And as much as I hate it (because it’s painful) and don’t want to admit it, NC seems to be the ONLY way to heal and move on.

 

As the OW said, “now that you have a baby, you have 100000 more feelings that will replace the feelings you once had for me and it will be easier for you to forget me”. And the birth of my baby really helped in being able to move on without succumbing to the urge to contact her again. On one hand, I am thankful to her for ending the affair before my wife found out or before I would do something stupid.

 

Things DO get a lot better with time and it’s something I couldn’t realise right after the affair ended. You just have to TRUST THAT THEY WILL (as you cannot realise it beforehand), be patient, process the feelings as they come and restrain yourself from doing any more damage with your actions (i.e. breaking NC). The worst part is having to live with the guilt until you forget about it ever happened (if ever). Because I once considered myself a man of integrity, it will be hard for me to ever forgive myself about what I have done. I betrayed my wife and my family, I hurt the OW (because she wanted to be with me and I wasn’t) and I lost respect for myself.

 

I am glad my wife didn’t find out and my marriage is saved. And although I know many people in this forum think that I should tell her, I will not. I prefer to “punish” myself by keeping it inside me until it slowly fades away.

I am now committed to my family 100% (without refusing the fact that I think about the OW almost every day). I am being realistic, trying to accept that I did a huge mistake and I know that time will make things better.

 

To all MM/MW and potential OW/OM out there thinking of having an affair:

 

IT’S NOT WORTH IT! YOU WILL REGRET IT WHEN IT’S OVER – BECAUSE SOMEDAY IT WILL – AND IT WILL BE DEVASTATING FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED

 

 

 

How can you say it's devastating to all involved when your wife has no clue that you cheated on her while she carried and gave birth to your child.

 

 

There is nothing worse than a husband cheating on his pregnant wife, the only blessing is she did not discover your true character during the pregnancy. a pregnant woman is physically and emotionally vulnerable and yet you risked the health of your wife and child in exchange for an affair with someone who knew your wife was pregnant. It's the lowest of the low to do this to an innocent mother and unborn child.

 

The majority of your opening post is dedicated to the affair and the intensity of it, your wife and child is nothing more than a brief mention. All I see someone who feels no true remorse but someone who lacks character and integrity. You are still wrapped up in the affair, and your child and wife are just footnotes.

 

I agree with Mrs J, you're not remorseful just relieved to not be caught and someone who without true remorse is likely to cheat again.

 

I'd also add that you and the other woman are both cut from the same cloth.

Edited February 25, 2016 by Furious

[soleilesquire]

The sex may be over but the deceit is still there.

 

This is not an inspirational story. It's one that makes me sad for the wife. And baby.

[LifesontheUp]

I never said to her that i was unhappy in my marriage (because I wasn’t)

 

So why have an affair? What happens the next time you get attracted to another woman?

 

I am thankful to her for ending the affair before my wife found out or before I would do something stupid.

 

So lets face it, you didn't end it she did and if she didn't you would still be together.

 

I am glad my wife didn’t find out and my marriage is saved. And although I know many people in this forum think that I should tell her, I will not.

 

How do you believe your marriage has been saved? Your OW ended your affair, what are you doing to make sure this doesn't happen again?

 

I prefer to “punish” myself by keeping it inside me until it slowly fades away.

 

Oh my, you sound like a martyr. You lied and cheated on your wife who was pregnant with your child. Doesn't she derserve to know what her husband is capable of?

 

I am now committed to my family 100% (without refusing the fact that I think about the OW almost every day). I am being realistic, trying to accept that I did a huge mistake and I know that time will make things better.

 

Again, what are you doing about what you did? You lied and cheated to your wife. What happens when the next woman comes along that you get to work with and have an attraction for?

 

Seriously, you have issues and if you have any respect for your wife you will tell her. YOu will also get into counselling to find out why you did what you did and also help you with boundaries which you are clearly severly lacking of.

 

Yours is not a success story, you sound like someone who didn't want to the end the affair, but now that it has been ended by the OW are trying to kid yourself that it will be all ok.

[anika99]

Your marriage is not saved. It's full of lies and secrets and spouses who do not really know each other. Your marriage is a train wreck in the making.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes to all of the above posts.

 

See I went easy on you. Hang on more will come.

[66Charger]

There is no remorse here. And only those who are delusional themselves would think so.

 

To cheat is one thing. To cheat on your pregnant wife is despicable. Did you have unprotected sex with your AP (and with all of her previous partners) and then have unprotected sex with your pregnant wife?

 

Get tested now. Your child could have a disease.

 

How could you do such a thing. And you still pine for your AP? And thats remorse?

 

I agree, there is nothing inspirational, nor "giving a warning to others" about this thread.

 

Its just dirt.

 

And as long as you continue to lie and deceive your wife, so are you.

[Mr. Lucky]

But if I had read all these posts without having the experience of an affair, they would seem so ridiculous to me . I would think “why are persons that start an affair so weak? How could they get themselves in such a deep mess? Can’t they be responsible? They shouldn’t act on their feelings! Don’t they see that they are ruining their lives and the ones of the people around them?”

 

Even with the experience of being a BS, I'd still ask the same questions. You had the opportunity to assess risk/reward every day, we all know which you chose.

 

What I take from your post is that you miss your OW and are concerned you've hurt her. Not much marriage saving material there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[minimariah]

i'm going to be BRUTALLY honest here -- i doubt your marriage will survive this & last. and i'm pretty sure (judging from my general experience with situations similar to yours) that divorcing is inevitable for you.

 

you had a seemingly awesome marriage. you cheated for seemingly no reason. in your eyes, the affair was something... destined. fated, out of your control -- that's the main sign that your marriage is hopeless. you cheated during one time that should be SUPER blessed for you (married + a baby) - that's VERY symptomatic.

 

and finally, you're STILL married because you have a young baby. that seems to be the ONLY reason; trouble with babies... they grow up. and eventually it's just you and the wife and the problems & nostalgia will hit you like a boomerang.

 

i'd encourage you to seek counseling, counseling and more counseling & being honest with your wife. that's your only way IF you're interested in having a healthy & a happy marriage... and frankly, i don't think you are.

 

i have a feeling that you NEED to mantain this fatal, soulmate affair & perfect loving wife and marriage narrative in order to NOT deal with the real problems. there seems to be a lot of savior & RomeoandJuliet complex going on. i honestly see a lot of unhealthy patterns, i really think you should deal with that.

 

one thing though -- i actually think you did well by choosing to stay with your wife. leaving a child THAT small... the custody is impossible to arrange for a child under one year old + you'd be leaving your wife all by herself and a baby that small is a LOT to handle. i don't think you or your OW understood that clearly.

 

you should wait until your child is AT LEAST a year old IF the divorce is in plans.

Edited February 25, 2016 by minimariah

[wmacbride]

I always find comments about the mm or ow feeling bad about harming the mm rather disingenuous. They don't want to harm the M, yet they will still participate in the affair.

 

As a bs, I have to agree about the importance of telling your spouse. Yes, it will hurt her, and yes, it could spell the end of your marriage, but think on this.

 

Just suppose she finds out in some other way. What if your ex-ow decides to wants to lash out at you by spilling the beans to your wife? What if she decides she wants to get back with you and calls your wife because she thinks it will split the two of you up?What if your wife finds some of your secret messages? What if she already suspects something and asks you? what if she hears about he A from someone else?

 

These are things over which you have no control.

 

If your wife finds out from you, there is a better chance you can rebuild your marriage on honest ground, and she will learn to trust you again. If you choose to lie by admission, and she finds out, there is every chance she will never, ever trust you again.

 

Never ever.

[minimariah]

also, both you & the OW seem to REALLY want this affair - at the same time, you comfort yourself by doing little things that should prove you tried to resist... even though you never really had that intention.

 

for example; you tell the OW you're married with a pregnant wife and the first thing she asks you is - are you happy? then, it seems like she did try to resist and warn you but she sends the "i'm okay with it" signals instead; you're doing the same thing. it's as if you do these "resistance" thing so you can later say it was out of your control.

[burnt]

Welcome to LS. I can relate to your story a LOT, but from a different point of view. I'm xOW. Many of the things you expressed, I saw my xMM going through exactly the same way. I found it rather emotional to read your story. So, thank you for posting. I do understand your pain. It's far from black and white.

 

You have learned something from this entire cruel exercise; that is, there are certain experiences that no one can understand or make sense of until experiencing them in the first person. The concept of "affair fog", while it's tossed in this site so often, is one of those concepts. Until you are in it, nobody in the world can make you understand what it does to you.

 

I often find it funny reading a poster saying "think of …"--the problem is that state of affair fog wipes out your ability to think. It's hard to describe, how you are fully aware of the fact that you are doing something unethical, yet are feeling completely unable to stop. (Kind of like being incapacitated being drugged or drunk).

 

Sometimes, the people who NEVER think they'd engage in such a wrong-doing are the first to sink in this quick-sand--simply because they never considered it to be a possibility.

 

But, I do think you are remorseful--it's viscerally clear in your post. I am glad your wife didn't find out, but you MUST seek counseling--there is no way you can properly heal by "hiding" all those emotions.

 

I do understand what you mean by "I want to punish myself", but people don't change through punishment. Loving someone must not ever involve any kind of punishment; punishment only creates bigger criminals in the end. You need to be able to talk to a professional to seek a proper way to express what you are going through and that should help you to mend yourself. Suppressing an awful and traumatizing experiencing like this will not help you at all.

 

Last note:

And here I speak strictly as an xOW. You have a new baby and a wife that you returned to after the affair. By your own admission, the new child and the love of your wife are helping you heal and move on.

 

DO ALWAYS remember, that your OW does not have a new baby, nor a partner to lean on to heal. She is on her OWN to survive the pain. So, no matter what you do, (even if the aliens land in your backyard), do NOT EVER contact her even just to say 'hi'. If she does contact you, do not, under any circumstance, reply, AT ALL. A single contact will wipe out whatever progress she has made.

 

But...

Something tells me, you will be likely to 'slip' in the future again. By slip, I don't mean engage in a full affair again, but I mean try to contact her again just to see how she is or just to wish her best, just to say 'hi'.

[gettingstronger]

I hope that even if you don't tell your wife, you'll get some counseling. You allowed yourself to cheat when things got tough ie- a baby on the way. Marriage is full of changes, add parenthood in to the mix and it gets downright crazy. You are not mature enough at this point to be a good husband and Father for the long haul. Please take steps now to change that do you can truly be the man you want to be! Best of luck, I'm betting you can do it!!!

[ShatteredLady]

During your affair you admit you were distant, thinking, obsessing about your OW. Women are very intuitive. Many BS say they knew that something was very, very wrong but trusted their H so much that they placed blame elsewhere. I did!

 

Does your wife believe that you never wanted your baby? Does she excuse your moods over loosing your OW by thinking you're just depressed that you're stuck with her & the baby? Lost your freedom etc?

 

You're either a fantastic, amazing actor, lying about your true feelings for the OW or she's thinking 'something' to excuse you. Has she suffered depression after having the baby?

 

Maybe she's blaming herself & her hormones. You're kidding yourself if you think only you & your OW are hurt by your affair.

[ChickiePops]

I agree with most of the posters here that you don't seem to be feeling sorry for the people who really matter - your wife and child. OW made a very conscious decision to engage in an affair with you during which you claim to never have led her to think you'd leave your wife for her..she deserves no sympathy and neither do you.

 

I know you fancy yourself some sort of martyred hero for keeping this to yourself but in truth you are just being self serving. Your wife deserves to know what kind of person she married so she can decide for herself whether or not she wants to salvage your relationship.

[lemondrop21]

I hope you can find a way to be truly open and emotionally vulnerable with your wife. I think that's why EAs tend to start... lack of vulnerability and genuine emotional intimacy between spouses. You are playing a role that you think she expects you to play, and in some cases you've been doing that for so long that you can't even recognize it as a role. Then you meet someone who you can be "real" with and boom, you're in an EA.

 

I'm not going to advise you on whether or not to disclose, but I am going to advise you to seek IC and to really start talking to your wife. Tell her about your fears, your hopes, your dreams, you darker thoughts that you typically hide... and then let her accept you for who you really are.

 

If it turns out that she doesn't love who you really are, then you can split and both of you can pursue something more fulfilling.

[Doublegold]

I think you picked a fitting username Julius Caesar.

[pondhawk]

You were too weak to remain faithful during a marriage with no problems.

Add a few years... crying babies, unpaid bills, health problems, stressssss, or god forbid your wife has an off day and gets a little crabby....

 

And you claim you will never cheat again?

 

Yes, this is a character problem on your part (whether you're willing to admit to it or not) and you failed. You fell for lust. It had nothing to do with love. This problem is not over.

The underlying reason you did it, sans problems in your life, is still there.

 

Man up, confess and get counseling for the both of you.

 

Or continue with your weak character.

[Dancewithme]

I'm with Shattered Lady on this one, I think your wife probably sensed something was up with you, and probably came up with all kinds of reasons for your behavior. While you're still grieving the end of your affair, your energy, attention, personality, etc are not quite "right". A wife would definitely notice.

 

So, quit the martyrdom, sackcloth and ashes ho-ha. You have not dodged a bullet with your wife, That bullet hit you, is lodged near your spine, and waiting to shift a bit and cause you serious injury.

 

You need to dig deep with IC, and determine why it was so easy for you to cheat on your wife, in spite of loving your wife, and having no marital problems. She was carrying YOUR baby, that's when you circle the wagons around your little family, and protect your wife and baby from harm. Exposing them to possible STD's is not protective behavior. If you don't do the work in IC, what will happen when the love feels a little strained with the normal ups and downs of marriage and family life? Job gets crazy, someone close to you becomes seriously ill, financial issues... If you cheat during what should be a happy bonding time between a husband and wife, what's to stop you when life gets ugly?

 

Do the work!!!!

 

I don't like the idea of you confessing to your wife, it's crushing news to know your husband has cheated while you were pregnant. However, I don't think you can avoid it. It's bad news, but still best to come from you. It would be even more devastating for her to hear this from someone else. Thats the bed you've made.

[soleilesquire]

"The affair fog" is a description of what a WS may be in during an A. It is NOT a justification or get out of jail free card.

 

They were caught up in endorphins. Big deal. Doesn't make wrong right. And when you knowingly invade a marriage? Well, don't be shocked when it doesn't end well.

 

OP, you need some serious self-evaluation.