andie1969 Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Where do you expect to be after dating someone for a year? How often do you see them? Live together? Make long term plans together? Just curious since yesterday marked one year that I met my boyfriend. We are both in our 40's, divorced with teenagers and live in the same city, so no ldr. I won't go into specifics just yet, but I feel like we should be progressing more as a couple by this point. I just want to hear some other options first.
PegNosePete Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 It very much depends on where you want to be at that point and in the future. For me: yes certainly a discussion to compare long-term plans. Living together probably, if circumstances allow. If not living together then seeing each other as much as possible. If you feel you should be progressing more than you are, then it's probably more productive to give more information on that rather than asking strangers about their expectations. 2
Author andie1969 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 You're right, I'm headed out the door but will post more detail when I get back. Thanks!
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 It depends under which circumstances you started dating. Were you both freshly out of marriages or relationships? What were your respective goals when you started dating? Was it meant to be casual, go with the flow, or seeking long term relationship? When I was dating I've always made clear I was looking for someone for a long term committed relationship. A relationship that would escalate to full commitment and living together. Anyone not looking for the same as me I passed. That being said at my age (50 and bf 48) I would expect plans to live together after 1 year dating.
Redhead14 Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Where do you expect to be after dating someone for a year? How often do you see them? Live together? Make long term plans together? Just curious since yesterday marked one year that I met my boyfriend. We are both in our 40's, divorced with teenagers and live in the same city, so no ldr. I won't go into specifics just yet, but I feel like we should be progressing more as a couple by this point. I just want to hear some other options first. It's hard to say without knowing "where you are" with him now, how things have progressed, what each of your goals are, etc. I'll look for an update. However, depending on schedules etc., I am/would be comfortable with seeing each other at least 3-4 times per week. As far as living together goes, , I don't know. That's a really personal decision. It wouldn't be unreasonable to want that/be considering it.
BlueIris Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I agree with Pete and Redhead. Personally, though, the idea of moving in together when you both have teenagers sounds like sheer hell to me. 2
newmoon Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 these questions are hard to answer b/c every couple does it differently. but the advantage here is age - at 40ish you guys could speed up any process, hopefully can communicate openly and better than youth, and have experience behind you. if you don't feel that you guys are moving in the direction/timeline you want then it sounds like a discussion w/him is needed to clarify where you're headed? get on the same page.
Author andie1969 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 Ok, here goes. He had been divorced for about 4 years when we met, me less than a year. We both feel that marriage is not the be all, end all and that we can certainly have a long term committed relationship without all the legal nonsense. I am 46 and he is 42, neither of us is interested in dating around or anything like that. He has a 14 year old son, I have a 13 year old daughter and 2 older girls who no longer live at home. About the living together thing, I am in a lease until June 1 so it definitely won't happen before the summer in any case. He brought up living together back in November when we were on vacation together, and then again mentioned it to his son when I was there over New Years. We haven't talked about it since, but he does make comments about selling his house when his son graduates from high school and downsizing in order to help pay for his college, he mentions all the time how the house is just an investment. That's all well and good, but I feel like he thinks about the future as it pertains to HIM instead of to US. He is planning a summer vacation with his son, so I started planning one for my daughter and I. I would LOVE for all of us to go on vacation together, the kids get along great and the more the merrier in my book. But he wants to do this father-son road trip so that's fine too. We used to see each other 3-4 times a week, I usually spend the weekend there when we don't have our kids (we are on the same parenting schedule), and the weekends we do have the kids we usually do something together on that Saturday, dinner, bowling, a movie, game night, just something fun and casual. Lately, since New Years it seems we don't spend as much time together, but we both went through a week or two of being sick and he does travel some for work. There are however several evenings a week that neither of us has anything going on that we don't see each other. I felt like I was the one always initiating hanging out so for the past few weeks I have not. Last week after spending the weekend (Valentine's Day) I didn't see him until the following Saturday, when we had dinner with the kids. This week I have only seen him Tuesday evening when we went to the gym together which he initiated. He gave up drinking for Lent and has instead consumed himself with working out daily and healthy eating which is great, but I'm starting to feel a little left out if that makes sense. I know, before ya'll tell me, I need to talk to HIM about it which I will, I just wanted some other perspectives to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable. I don't think we need to be joined at the him, but it sucks to have a boyfriend just a few miles away who I only see once a week. We are going away together for the weekend tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to that, it's been since Valentine's Day since we've spent any time alone together. I'm just not sure how long to continue on like this or when it's time to say, hey my needs aren't being met and it's time to move on. I was with my ex for almost 15 years, so all this dating stuff is new to me. When I met my ex he moved in with me within a few months and there was none of this confusion. Also, at what point in a relationship can you count on the other person being there for you to help out with stuff? I'm very independent but geez it would have been great if he would have offered to come help shovel out my car the other day knowing I was snowed in. He has a garage and I don't where I'm currently renting. He didn't offer but I also didn't ask...It's very hard for me to ask for help with anything. Anyway, thoughts?
Author andie1969 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 I agree with Pete and Redhead. Personally, though, the idea of moving in together when you both have teenagers sounds like sheer hell to me. LOL, don't I know it, I'm on my 3rd teenage girl, they are monsters! He only has his son every other weekend and for a few hours on Wed., so I don't think there would be too much conflict. 1
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 There is nothing wrong with expressing your expectations....it's part of finding a life partner. It's simple....if he can't agree with your expectations, the best thing to do is to find someone who will. I can't express it enough that you need to put forward your expectations at the beginning of the relationship. You can never "assume" it will just naturally progress. Now it has become an issue because you assumed it would....here you are invested and the possibility of having to end the relationship is looming or having to sacrifice your happiness/fulfillment you expect in a partner. 1
lilmissjava Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Maybe he is having the same reluctance to have that talk with you. You could bring up as an idea for all to go on vacation next time any vacation talk is on the table. By bringing it up, you can gauge his reaction to the future you both have with each other, and maybe you can tell for yourself where things should be and if you are both on the same page.
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 In all of this I don't remember reading something about what you think of moving in together? is it something you wish? Personally I would prefer to talk about moving in together because we can't stand being apart, because we're in love, because we want a life together and not this 'it's gonna be so much better economically to live together'. I get your uneasiness on that one. Knowing myself I would bring it up with him. Next time he goes on about how much money he'll save by moving in with you just tell him tell me again why we're moving in together? As for his absence lately I don't think there is any reason to 'confront' him or any reasons to think about moving on. Just tell him you miss him ! Tell him you miss having him with you, you miss sleeping next to him, and see what he responds to that.
PegNosePete Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 he does make comments about selling his house when his son graduates from high school and downsizing in order to help pay for his college, he mentions all the time how the house is just an investment. That's all well and good, but I feel like he thinks about the future as it pertains to HIM instead of to US. He owns the house, whereas you're renting. It may be a remnant of the divorce that he prefers to keep major assets separate. After all if he were to buy a house with you it would presumably be him supplying the majority of the equity, right? Unless you have large amounts of savings...? Even then it may be a case of once bitten twice shy. If he barely managed to keep hold of his house then he may be quite guarded about "giving away half" again. He is planning a summer vacation with his son, so I started planning one for my daughter and I. I would LOVE for all of us to go on vacation together, the kids get along great and the more the merrier in my book. But he wants to do this father-son road trip so that's fine too. Did he tell you that last part, or did you just assume it? And did you plan your mother-daughter trip as a knee-jerk reaction to him planning his, or did you discuss it with him? I know, before ya'll tell me, I need to talk to HIM about it Indeed when it's time to say, hey my needs aren't being met and it's time to move on. It's time to say that, as soon as you realize it. To be honest it does sound as though he is perfectly happy with things just as they are. He is getting his needs met, and probably doesn't even realize that you aren't. Yeah, time for a talk about what the next step will be, and when it will be.
Author andie1969 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 He has never mentioned money as a motivator for living together, I don't think I said that at all. He said he'd like to have us all there, as a family. I would also love that, I like the times we are all together making dinner and playing games. In fact, I lose my alimony if I move in with someone so it wouldn't save me much money at all. I agree I do need to tell him I miss spending more time with him, and what our expectations are for the future.
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Also, at what point in a relationship can you count on the other person being there for you to help out with stuff? I'm very independent but geez it would have been great if he would have offered to come help shovel out my car the other day knowing I was snowed in. He has a garage and I don't where I'm currently renting. He didn't offer but I also didn't ask...It's very hard for me to ask for help with anything. Anyway, thoughts? About this part. How is he with other things you need help with? Not all men/women have the instinct of being helpful. I think they have it in them or not. I have been dating my bf for 3 months only and he shovels at my place, if I mention anything like I need to move something, I need to check something, right away he tells me to wait for him and he'll do it.
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 He has never mentioned money as a motivator for living together, I don't think I said that at all. He said he'd like to have us all there, as a family. I would also love that, I like the times we are all together making dinner and playing games. In fact, I lose my alimony if I move in with someone so it wouldn't save me much money at all. I misunderstood. I read this part... but he does make comments about selling his house when his son graduates from high school and downsizing in order to help pay for his college, To me it felt like he's looking forward the the financial benefit of moving in together. If it's not, good.
Author andie1969 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 He owns the house, whereas you're renting. It may be a remnant of the divorce that he prefers to keep major assets separate. After all if he were to buy a house with you it would presumably be him supplying the majority of the equity, right? Unless you have large amounts of savings...? Even then it may be a case of once bitten twice shy. If he barely managed to keep hold of his house then he may be quite guarded about "giving away half" again. He bought this house just over a year ago, a few months before we met so there was no ex involved in this house. I don't think we'd buy anything together, at least not until the kids are grown. We have discussed downsizing to a condo or something at that point. Did he tell you that last part, or did you just assume it? And did you plan your mother-daughter trip as a knee-jerk reaction to him planning his, or did you discuss it with him? He told me. We had previously discussed a different vacation with all of us, next thing I know they are doing this road trip because his son wants to see the grand canyon. I am just planning a trip to Colorado with my daughter to visit my brother and his family who live out there. To be honest it does sound as though he is perfectly happy with things just as they are. He is getting his needs met, and probably doesn't even realize that you aren't. Yeah, time for a talk about what the next step will be, and when it will be. I agree, I think he's lived alone for about 5 years now and is content with his schedule and routine. Also, since he now goes to the gym at 5 AM every single morning means he's in bed by 9 pm at the latest. I don't even get home from work until at least 6, so the evenings I do get to see him, it's not a lot of time. Answers in bold.
Author andie1969 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 I misunderstood. I read this part... but he does make comments about selling his house when his son graduates from high school and downsizing in order to help pay for his college, To me it felt like he's looking forward the the financial benefit of moving in together. If it's not, good. No not at all, he means he bought that house he did, in that particular neighborhood for it's resale value. He's pretty confident that he can make a decent profit when he does sell it. Plus, once his son is in college he won't need such a big house by himself...assuming no one else is living there. He was not dating anyone or thinking about a relationship when he bought the house.
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