Author TheScientist Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 We are not therapists. We cannot claim to be therapists. We cannot even begin to insinuate that what we give here - is therapy. It isn't. It's a broad-spectrum mass of shoulders to lean on. But it's immensely comforting to know 2 things: One: You are now seeing a professional, qualified real-life solid, physical therapist, who is helping you determine the right course of actions to extricate yourself from this dysfunctional situation. Two: We had it right. And we helped you. And that - if we just make one difference to just one person - is a life-fulfilling thing. Keep at it, honey. We're with you all the way. Good Morning my love/s Do hope you are all enjoying your weekend, it's mothering Sunday today in the UK. You were all indeed right, I can't thank you all enough for setting me in the right path, it's so easy to romanticise an ex partner even if you know they have many many faults. It's day four no contact, I am trying my hardest to stop my mind wonder to what he is up to, and when I do feel sad, I remember that he wanted this, nothing I could of said, done, or even been would of stopped him. To be honest I would of usually folded by now or even been completely emotionally depleted - and that's not saying that I am not cooking up an anxiety storm in my chest, I literally feel so tight chested when I think about him, which in tern helps me not. There is this quote I see flying around social media, 'Ignore your girl, and you're teaching her to live without you' Now I always thought was so silly, and very immature, but you know, I can understand now. I can understand why no contact necessary, I see it now. This isn't about them, WE need time to heal, to stop focusing on what they want, to step away and see things for how they are. To see how it changed us, to see how we turned into someone else, and personally it made me realised how much I neglected all the things I love. My work, my studies, my gym regime, even some friends who made me feel suffocated by always questioning my choices. I let a man do that to me, but more importantly I let it happen. I also let a man, who chose not to be with me, stay in my life, hoping that it will become more, I let him pencil out my identity and define me with his existence, I did not seem validated unless he was there. I promised a man, who chose not to be with me, that I would never hurt him...I AM PROMISING HIM THAT I WOULD NOT HURT HIM, insane!!! He hurt me, he ending things with me, he dated other girls after we split up, he chose all of this and I am promising not to hurt him?? So even if I was to decide, as I have, that I deserve so much more than this convienent controlled relationship, saving myself is technically hurting him. Crazy crazy. I feel sad, hurt and deflated, but it's getting easier. xxx
Author TheScientist Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Day six no contact. He hasn't messaged either. I am really focusing on keeping myself and my mind busy but I can't help wondering where he has gone. I know it's not my place to care, but I keep thinking, is there someone else keeping him busy? Tell me, be honest, I need to hear it, I need to feel angry, I have been too kind, to understanding for too long. Really need some support today please. I cried myself to sleep last night, I am feeling very sad and weak, that said, I won't message him. His words about me always messaging first is at the forefront of my mind, I know NC is right for me and that what I am feeling is normal, I must take the good days with the bad, but it's so hard. I need to learn to be without him, I need to heal, but all I want to do today is cry.
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Cry. Cry, cry, cry, cry and cry. Cry until you look a mess and feel exhausted. Cry until your whole body is limp and useless. Cry, scream, rip pillows, smash cups, break plates and exhaust yourself to the point of sleep. And once you've reached a place where you're spent, done in, all vented - ask yourself this: What on earth am I doing giving all my power to another person who has no right to it, and hasn't earnt it, and has abused me and used me simply for his own gratification? What the hell am I thinking? Because essentially, what you re doing - right now - is saying that his emotional dysfunctional warped sense of self-importance is more important and significant to your well-being, than anything you have for yourself, is. His being in your life, gives you more sustenance, and is of greater value than your integrity or dignity. Is that true? is that how it is? I very much doubt it. But this is essentially - what is driving this current despondent despair. You've abdicated control. Get it back. It's yours, not his. 1
Author TheScientist Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Cry. Cry, cry, cry, cry and cry. Cry until you look a mess and feel exhausted. Cry until your whole body is limp and useless. Cry, scream, rip pillows, smash cups, break plates and exhaust yourself to the point of sleep. And once you've reached a place where you're spent, done in, all vented - ask yourself this: What on earth am I doing giving all my power to another person who has no right to it, and hasn't earnt it, and has abused me and used me simply for his own gratification? What the hell am I thinking? Because essentially, what you re doing - right now - is saying that his emotional dysfunctional warped sense of self-importance is more important and significant to your well-being, than anything you have for yourself, is. His being in your life, gives you more sustenance, and is of greater value than your integrity or dignity. Is that true? is that how it is? I very much doubt it. But this is essentially - what is driving this current despondent despair. You've abdicated control. Get it back. It's yours, not his. Good Morning TaraM, I know I always thank you for replies, but really THANK YOU. i'm not going to exaggerate and make it seem like when I read your post it was some kind of magical moment, to be honest when I first read it I was like 'I'm too upset to think about his control' but then I read it again, and again, and cried a few more times....and you know what, I had the most peaceful night sleep that I have had for a while, and then didn't wake up feelings overly anxious. I doubt it's the end of my grief, I am sure I will cry some more, for me, for who I wanted him to be, but what ever happens, but I am allowed to, and may it be today, tomorrow or in the next week, whatever happens, whatever situations occur, or wobbly moments, I will deal with it. I just need to put all the over thinking to one side and use my anger for the positive, you should of seen me hit the weights this morning!!! I wonder if there is a coodependant grieving cycle...my friends don't seem to deal with break ups like this, hence why I can't really speak to them all of the time, I feel like I have to stop myself saying things because they are going to say 'here she goes again' but then I end up isolating myself and crying all alone. I want my control back, I want to think of him and be indifferent.
Itspointless Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) I wonder if there is a coodependant grieving cycle...my friends don't seem to deal with break ups like this, hence why I can't really speak to them all of the time, I feel like I have to stop myself saying things because they are going to say 'here she goes again' but then I end up isolating myself and crying all alone. No there isn't the cycles are the same, but the way you deal with grief is dependent on your attachment-style. And boy is that ringing true! (well to me) Sarah Daniel has a great chapter about anxious attachment in her book, where she goes in depth about this: 'Adult Attachment Patterns in a Treatment Context: Relationship and narrative', chapter five. You can preview a large part of the chapter on Google Books. It is even proven now in some research that anxious people their brains actually work different, as is written in an article of this week: People With Anxiety Perceive The World In A Fundamentally Different Way The strange thing is that most people are completely unaware of this and tell people constantly to man up, loosen up, etc. I think have to note that anxiety and anxious attachment are overlapping phenomena. Still it does tell us something about anxious attached people. Edited March 9, 2016 by Itspointless 1
Author TheScientist Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 DAY EIGHT! Who knew I was capable of such magic (yes yes i know it's called discipline...) Found myself re-adding him to my phone to stare at his whatsapp and see if he is online...and alive....then realised how stupid I was being, he is fine, I'm just not required anymore. I cried a little last night in bed but then reminded myself that this was for the best, and then I stopped crying. This is hard, but i'm trying to be strong and not succumb to a moment of madness.
Author TheScientist Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Day nine - had a cry in bed last night, I miss him. This is hard but required xxx
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 You really need to change those sheets.... One thing you could do to help yourself is to go to a good bookshop and go to the CD section. You will find a lot of CDs to do with meditation, personal improvement, affirmations, positivity and personal well-being. Ok, grab a coffee, and a biscuit or two, and read on. I will tell you this: Many years ago, I would lie in bed, listening to the radio (BBC Radio 4) well into the night, when at one point, it turned into 'The World Service'. By this time, I had actually usually drifted off to sleep, and wasn't even conscious of what I was listening to, but the BBC is world-renowned for the quality, insight and authenticity of its articles and broadcasts, right? I mean, you learn something from them, right? Right. Trouble was, I was finding myself getting up in the morning feeling unsettled, moody, despondent, disgruntled and downright miserable. I didn't know WHAT the heck was happening with me, I was just not a nice person, or at my best, first thing.... and it was a malaise that lingered well into the morning.... One night, I was actually unable to sleep. (Unsurprising; the older I've become, the more of an insomniac like my Mum, I've become.... but I digress....) and I actually got to consciously listen to the World Service. My god, what horror. All I got was news articles on female mutilation, exploitation of children and labour, neighbourhoods being neglected and reduced to rubble, health service cuts, inequality, injustice, cruelty, sabotage, neglect..... you name it - the World Service reported things accurately, factually and without bias - but pulled no punches. No WONDER I felt like crap every morning!! To be sure, they had some good stuff going on too.... but my mind, being unconsciously open and impressionable, took it all in - and the bad stuff had an obvious effect - probably because I'm not a bad person, so bad things stand out more in my mind. So? I stopped listening. Naturally! Hearing is the first sense we develop; it's the last sense we lose; and it's active all the time, whether we are asleep or awake. So we take things in. Even while asleep. So get a comfortable pair of headphones, a cd player, and pick yourself some really good stuff. Go to bed, listen, breathe, meditate - and enjoy filling your mind with all the good things..... 1
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