Ex Intimacy Issues - what next

[TheScientist]

I really want to make my reply into a new post for people that are going through the same thing but really don't want to make a fuss out of it.

 

Ok so my parties run from 2030-0330...guess who turns up at 0245, after my friend goes home by 2am as she thought it was safe to leave me to it!

 

Remember his friends are also at my event so I can't really say 'sorry no it's too late' I will look bad and to be honest as long as a person is not drunk we rarely deny entry as long as they are already on the list.

 

He came alone said Hi to his friends and then came straight up to me, and would not leave me alone all evening. I walked off a few times and told him to go and socialise and he would follow me. He was actively trying to get drunk all evening as well (he opens up when he has had a few drinks)

 

Anyway at the bar, he said he was thinking of me the day before because he went on a date with this girl and they kissed and now she wont stop messaging him, and how he appreciated the fact I was never like that, and is true, I never was, it's only when i could feel him backing away that I tried harder, I didn't want to lose him, but I never imposed.

 

He even emphasised how much he wanted to see me by saying 'I mean come on when was the last time I messaged you first, this time I messaged you first, i really wanted to see you' Although it was a drunken slip up, it is vital to know that although Avoidants seem lovely and kind, they know, they notice. I was in shock for a while after that little bomb!

 

Anyway apparently his first thought was that he needs to see me because I am the only person he trusts, he said he can be honest with me now as I am no longer a threat, the nearest person to family he has in London. The only person that knew the real him.

 

I already knew all this, he shared so much of who he was with me recently. Intimacy isn't only physical, and he even said 'love you like my sister' which made me really laugh (inside) as i know thats how his brain can justify his attachment to me, if i wasn't like a family member then I would be someone that could be potentially a girlfriend, a threat.

 

He even said he wanted to be in my life forever, even when I get engaged and married and wants to be a godfather to my kids. I told him that I can't see anyone new that I would date, that would be OK with him being in the background, that I could foreseeing this becoming very messy. He replied that it would not be messy as he 'only wanted to be my friend' I didn't know what to say! This seemed so theatrical and forced, like he was trying to convince himself that this new found relationship with us, this new dynamic was OK.

 

A few groups of new guys starting flirting with me but noticed the fact he was there and asked us both if we are a couple and he blurted 'NO SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND' and he would look very uncomfortable once they continued flirting and he kept walking off in such a dramatic way that they asked me if he was really my friend and I explained that we split up recently...anyway he returned and the same thing happened again when they started complimenting me. it was very strange.

 

Anyway we were all very drunk at this point and he said 'can we go into the living room to talk' and to be honest, i really wanted to hear what he wanted to say because he was always like an open book with me when drunk, especially post break up.

 

He looked a little distracted so I asked if the girl from the date had replied and he said 'Noooooo way, I blocked her!' I was so shocked, my lovely, professional ex, who seemed so well put together, so logical, BLOCKS PEOPLE! Then he went on to say he blocked people from work too when they cross the line and message him during out of work hours!!!! It was like opening my eyes to someone completely different.

 

We spoke about our break up and I can totally see now why it wouldn't of worked. He actively chases people when he thinks he wouldn't work. Although this isn't my main job, it's more of my side project, when he met me he thought I was one of those typical air heads that work in events, but I am academic, and the best that all I do. The more he got to know me, the more he realised this might actually work, and although he kept holding on longer in any relationship in eight years, because he didn't want to lose me, he knew it would end up with us getting really serious and that's not what he wants, so he started backing away and sabotaging it. (He has been on two dates since the break up and they have all been with hot girls, all of which he found boring)

 

I asked him if me and him were a matter of 'right girl, wrong time' and he said he doesn't want to focus on that. Silly question to ask someone like him really, no one is the right girl!!

 

HE spoke about what he wants in the future, which was oddly very similar to the we relationship had, but with a REALLLLLY HOT WIFE! (ha ha why of course he would add something like that, avoidant and their fantasies!!)

 

I mentioned a job opportunity I may have abroad in the future, and he said 'oh my god, I don't want you to go, I don't want you to take it, i don't want to lose you'

 

He stayed over, and even slept next to me, like not close but next to, we didn't touch of course but watching him not feel tense or threatened was really wonderful. I really do love this guy, and want whats best for him, he has been so hurt and carried so much, I wish I could remove him pain but he doesn't want to be helped.

 

He opened up about so much, so much that he said he would regret saying afterwards because no one knows that about him, really personal stuff, all the ways he has had to hold it together for everyone as he is the only one they have, to know him better, and understand him, it felt good, I feel at peace.

 

So to say the least, day two of no contact was a f*** up, however I learnt vital lesson, we would never of worked as we were. I have gone from ex girlfriend to sister safe haven...for how long who knows....

 

xxx

Edited February 29, 2016 by TheScientist

[Itspointless]

I not only have to be around my ex but have to actually be friendly and social with him...as I have found this weekend!

 

will explain properly in my next post xxx

He stayed over, and even slept next to me, like not close but next to, we didn't touch of course but watching him not feel tense or threatened was really wonderful. I really do love this guy, and want whats best for him, he has been so hurt and carried so much, I wish I could remove him pain but he doesn't want to be helped.

 

He opened up about so much, so much that he said he would regret saying afterwards because no one knows that about him, really personal stuff, all the ways he has had to hold it together for everyone as he is the only one they have, to know him better, and understand him, it felt good, I feel at peace.

 

So to say the least, day two of no contact was a f*** up, however I learnt vital lesson, we would never of worked as we were. I have gone from ex girlfriend to sister safe haven...

Oh boy …

 

I get it, but oh boy …

 

Sister safe haven might be fine with this right now, because it are the hormones that drive your behavior at this moment: oxitocyn and such. Heartbreak is sometimes compared with like being addicted to heroin and going told turkey as it has the some effects on the brain. And I guess you are flattered with him opening up.

 

But seriously, he is using you! And telling you about that girl What age was he again? He sounds young (immature), or dare I say it, a bit narcissistic.

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh dear me....yes. You have fallen into the "

.." pit.

 

As Long As He Needs Me Lyrics

 

As long as he needs me...

Oh, yes, he does need me...

In spite of what you see...

...I'm sure that he needs me.

 

Who else would love him still

When they've been used so ill?

He knows I always will...

As long as he needs me.

 

I miss him so much when he is gone,

But when he's near me

I don't let on...

 

...The way I feel inside.

The love, I have to hide...

The hell! I've gone my pride

As long as he needs me.

 

He doesn't say the things he should.

He acts the way he thinks he should.

But all the same,

I'll play

This game

His way.

 

As long as he needs me...

I know where I must be.

I'll cling on steadfastly...

As long as he needs me.

 

As long as life is long...

I'll love him right or wrong,

And somehow, I'll be strong...

As long as he needs me.

 

If you are lonely

Then you will know...

 

When someone needs you,

You love them so.

 

I won't betray his trust...

Though people say I must.

 

I've got to stay true, just

As long as he needs me.

 

(Sung by the character 'Nancy', in 'Oliver Twist')

 

When you're ready to climb out, let us know.

Until then, lather, rinse and repeat.... *sigh*....

[TheScientist]

Oh boy …

 

I get it, but oh boy …

 

Sister safe haven might be fine with this right now, because it are the hormones that drive your behavior at this moment: oxitocyn and such. Heartbreak is sometimes compared with like being addicted to heroin and going told turkey as it has the some effects on the brain. And I guess you are flattered with him opening up.

 

But seriously, he is using you! And telling you about that girl What age was he again? He sounds young (immature), or dare I say it, a bit narcissistic.

 

 

Hey guys,

 

again thank you for your replies, i understand how frustrating it is watching a person recognise a situation for what it is, say they will do something and then go against it, however please do not misunderstand me. I read over what I typed and I'm not about to go against my decision, if anything I can rectify it for next time.

 

At this point there is nothing more to add from his side, he completely confirmed the fact that he doesn't want to change, he also admitted that he knows he will be in this cycle forever. I know i'm being used, I know if that date had gone well I wouldn't of got a second thought. I don't need to explain to you both how much of an emotional of an experience it is to watch the person you care about sit there and openly speak of all the ways he messes up his life, and other peoples, it's horrible. It's not my problem anymore.

 

Whenever we spend time together in that proximity it's like torture because I can see how much potential it could of possibly had, I need to stop punishing myself, and I think as much as the last 48 hours were bittersweet, it has given me an upper hand to giving up this addiction. I see it more now, it's like he has handed me all the explanations to all the little puzzles I couldn't work out.

 

For example, part of the next party we need some PR girls and a few boys that work in that industry said they would email each other suggestions, L forwarded me a few suggestion and so did another guy and I forwarded the other guys suggestion to L. He replied a comment underneath each and under the one with the body type that is most like me (mediterranean curvy, in no way fat) replied 'no way her, she is too bigggg' funny thing is he said he loved my body shape on the weekend, and even described the fundamentals to why he does, but now it's fat!! It's like this constant weird 'close but not too close' battle and I finally see through it now and refuse to be a part of it.

 

I love him and in so many ways he a good good guy, with a good heart, but I will never ever get what I need from someone like him. I truly feel so sad, I feel like i'm mourning a death. Funny isn't it, people like us hold in so many ways so we don't lose them, but by holding on we end up losing so much more.

 

Also when I said 'Sister Safe Haven - i wonder for how long' that did not mean I was going to wait around to see, that just meant in terms of his behaviour. I need to reduce contact to a way that will be workable, until I can cut it completely, until then, not take anything personally. My job is too social to not see him at all but I will take measures to make sure I am never alone with him again.

 

To start focusing on the reality, so instead of 'the guy i love', it will be 'the guy that can't love me'.

 

Recognise when and how I am being used, and when things are being said to hurt me.

 

I'm going to start dating and moving on.

 

Please don't lose faith in me!

 

xxx

Edited February 29, 2016 by TheScientist

[TaraMaiden2]

W just don't want you to keep hurting yourself, and permitting the level of contact you do, it's going to hurt you for an awful lot longer than it needs to.

 

You just need to respect your own feelings more and start being a little bit selfish.

 

Otherwise he will think that he can hurt you all he wants, because you will take it.

Whether you can or not, will not concern him, though. As long as you're there to just take it, he will keep dishing it.

 

we teach people how to treat us.

[TheScientist]

W just don't want you to keep hurting yourself, and permitting the level of contact you do, it's going to hurt you for an awful lot longer than it needs to.

 

You just need to respect your own feelings more and start being a little bit selfish.

 

Otherwise he will think that he can hurt you all he wants, because you will take it.

Whether you can or not, will not concern him, though. As long as you're there to just take it, he will keep dishing it.

 

we teach people how to treat us.

 

Indeed, if we stand for nothing we will fall for anything, and I did that for a long time, putting him first, accepting that hurting was OK as that was the price to pay to keep him. While now he can do as he like and still have me in his life. This weekend proves everything I suspected.

 

He even said he has started planning things for my birthday (which is in 8 months) just so it can trigger off the 'He is going to be in my life forever' button.

 

Games just so many games.

 

x

[Redhead14]

Good Afternoon from sunny London,

 

My boyfriend and I broke up 5 weeks ago after it became clear that he had massive intimacy and commitment issues, he realises he does have issues and does sabotage but seems to think he is looking for 'real love and intimacy' and 'doesn't know who he is going to end up with' - we all know this is how they reason their issues, and I'm sure this was after a good few months worth of fault finding on his behalf, plus months of hot and cold behaviour which seriously dented my sense of self worth as it usually does in such circumstances.

 

We never had sex and sharing a bed became an issue about 6-8 weeks in, i could see him worry at even the suggestion. The amount of times we would have a conversation about feelings and he would freeze, I wish I understood more then.

 

He does practise swinging/casual sex as a way of seperating things in his head.

 

Nothing he did was with the intent of hurting me, but of course it did.

 

The weird thing is, in his own little way he trusts me, and when we broke up, he insisted we would be friends, since we have been having more honest conversations (yes granted when he has a little help from vodka!) but we know that we don't want to lose or hurt each other, we have been very kind to each other, especially me, and he said he knows he will never meet someone like me again but he just doesn't know what to do and how to let go and open up.

 

When we did split up he insisted he didn't want to date, anyone, but I know he is, he gets off on the honeymoon period. I get it.

 

However I am still stuck in this personal hell where I can't let go, I don't want to abandon him, part of me wants to stick around and build this trust, I know it's not completely hopeless, however the other part of me knows i'm going to end up so very hurt after investing so much love, care and attention, watching him move on to one and then another and I'm just there.

 

I know I can't stick around and let go at the same time, but I don't want to mess up my chances of working things out with him. I'm finding it really hard to reason things.

 

Has anyone ever encountered someone with such issues, and how did you move on? Do you still speak, did they ever open up?

 

Thank you

 

I would not recommend attempting to "wait" for him. These are very deep seeded issues for these types of men. They are afraid of engulfment (losing themselves in a relationship) and what they perceive to be as loss of freedom. They have a distorted view of commitment and what that means for them.

 

It takes a very strong, independent secure woman to be in a relationship with a man like this. There are ways to "break through" their walls, however, they need to actually want to change and make the effort to attend counseling sessions. A partner does not have the skills required to take this kind of thing on.

 

I also do not recommend maintaining a friendship because it will be very difficult for you to be kept at "arms length". You are already feeling the effects of this.

[TaraMaiden2]

Think. Plan. Create a strategy for yourself. You are an organizer, a coper, a person upon whom others rely.

 

So, how are you going to demonstrate to him - unequivocally - that you are there for him as a friend, but not there to be his weep-bucket/whipping-post/doormat?

 

Huh?

 

Because it has to stop, right?

Why not start by thanking him for all the plans he's making for your birthday, but you actually have plans of your own - then make plans of your own?

[TheScientist]

I would not recommend attempting to "wait" for him. These are very deep seeded issues for these types of men. They are afraid of engulfment (losing themselves in a relationship) and what they perceive to be as loss of freedom. They have a distorted view of commitment and what that means for them.

 

It takes a very strong, independent secure woman to be in a relationship with a man like this. There are ways to "break through" their walls, however, they need to actually want to change and make the effort to attend counseling sessions. A partner does not have the skills required to take this kind of thing on.

 

I also do not recommend maintaining a friendship because it will be very difficult for you to be kept at "arms length". You are already feeling the effects of this.

 

Good afternoon and thank you for your reply.

 

He has opened up to me post break up 'as friends' over the few weekends, as thats apparently the only relationship he feels comfortable with as it doesn't make him feel threatened, he doesn't want to be with anyone...while actively going out on dates since we have ended, which of course makes no sense, well to someone logical like me. He came running to me on Saturday evening after a failed date on Friday evening, which we all know would not of happened if he had met someone liked.

 

Me staying friends is not something I can maintain as he plays too many games, I have reached the point they literally amuse me now and don't upset me anymore, however he will always have new ones up his sleeve! I would only be staying friends because I think he needs me when the reality he is just safe haven-ing me till he finds someone else safe. It's a wonderful feeling knowing you're so replaceable but thats the reality to avoiders. Unless he actually cherishes our friendship which is unlikely as in his head I will always be the ex, and in mine he will be the 'messed up ex that I secretly want to help/change so I can finally be with'

 

I know eventually I will go mad and we will come to blows and I will end up screaming 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, WHY ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME AND DON'T WANT TO DATE ANYONE BUT THEN ARE ACTUALLY DATING, WHY AM I HERE ON THE SIDELINES BEING YOUR SOLICE GIVING YOU ALL THE COMFORT YOU NEED TO RECHARGE SO YOU CAN GO OUT IN THE BIG BAD WORLD AND UNLEASH YOUR DATING POWERS ON SOME POOR OTHER SUSPECTING GIRL, FOR GOD SAKE, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M PRACTICALLY YUR GIRLFRIEND, GET THERAPY AND LETS GET MARRIED' :laugh: OK perhaps not the last bit.

[TheScientist]

Think. Plan. Create a strategy for yourself. You are an organizer, a coper, a person upon whom others rely.

 

So, how are you going to demonstrate to him - unequivocally - that you are there for him as a friend, but not there to be his weep-bucket/whipping-post/doormat?

 

Huh?

 

Because it has to stop, right?

Why not start by thanking him for all the plans he's making for your birthday, but you actually have plans of your own - then make plans of your own?

 

Tara step one, I am indeed going to prebook a holiday this weekend, somewhere far and hot, but that's more for me than for him, we both know he doesn't intend to stick around till my birthday. I think that's the most sensible way of viewing our relationship, but that does not mean I stick around till he finds someone better.

 

It has to stop, sticking around would result in me getting more and more embroiled into his mess, I can foresee it already, I need to rethink a way to make NC work for me.

 

xxx

[Redhead14]

Tara step one, I am indeed going to prebook a holiday this weekend, somewhere far and hot, but that's more for me than for him, we both know he doesn't intend to stick around till my birthday. I think that's the most sensible way of viewing our relationship, but that does not mean I stick around till he finds someone better.

 

It has to stop, sticking around would result in me getting more and more embroiled into his mess, I can foresee it already, I need to rethink a way to make NC work for me.

 

xxx

 

 

I need to rethink a way to make NC work for me. -- There isn't anything to rethink. Just DO IT Be resolved. Focus on you and your needs. Tell him you're moving on and wish him well. As soon as you get in your car (assuming you do this in person and you should), you delete his number and block him.

 

Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Drop off the key, Lee . . . and set yourself free.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[TaraMaiden2]

I need to rethink a way to make NC work for me. -- There isn't anything to rethink. Just DO IT Be resolved. Focus on you and your needs. Tell him you're moving on and wish him well. As soon as you get in your car (assuming you do this in person and you should), you delete his number and block him.

 

Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Drop off the key, Lee . . . and set yourself free.

 

Took the words right off my keyboard...

 

Don't re-invent the wheel, TheScientist. The NC Guide works perfectly well as it is, and needs no modification.

Hell, it's done its job over the years, for countless hundreds of people who have implemented it - to the letter - so why you would need to re-think it, is a mystery.

 

Don't 're-think' anything.

Just put it into practice.

 

And thank you so much Redhead14, for the earworm...!

[TheScientist]

I need to rethink a way to make NC work for me. -- There isn't anything to rethink. Just DO IT Be resolved. Focus on you and your needs. Tell him you're moving on and wish him well. As soon as you get in your car (assuming you do this in person and you should), you delete his number and block him.

 

Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Drop off the key, Lee . . . and set yourself free.

 

Hey!

 

I have just booked in an appointment with a therapist on Friday, I am finally taking steps to improve my life. Hopefully I can work through the anxiety I often feel.

 

I agree NC is the way forward, I do have to change a few things to make it workable for me due to my work circumstances, I actually considered passing my company on to someone else while I heal, so I would not be in such a close proximity to him every weekend and be forced to be 'social' but that would mean losing a lot of money, so therapy is a logical middle ground.

 

xxx

[Itspointless]

It's a wonderful feeling knowing you're so replaceable but thats the reality to avoiders. Unless he actually cherishes our friendship which is unlikely as in his head I will always be the ex, and in mine he will be the 'messed up ex that I secretly want to help/change so I can finally be with'

 

I know eventually I will go mad and we will come to blows and I will end up screaming

Hi scientist. You know, people who avoid are not a category. For example dismissive-avoidance and the fearful variant, and all the other tastes are placed on a spectrum. Also in different contexts we can have different ways to present ourselves attachment-wise. Meanwhile there also numerous other factors at play that could have nothing to do with attachment-style or are even more serious.

 

Your ex constantly does things that to be honest surprise me. It could be something that fearful-avoidants do, or perhaps he is just a very spoiled immature manchild. It could be just that. What was his age again? Nevertheless I find him very manipulative in getting attention, and the way he is opening up now. I am surprised with that that. I was not joking when I wrote that he seems to be a bit narcistic:

 

'Bennett (2005) demonstrated that avoidant and anxious attachment styles are central to the origins of narcissism, whilst insecure attachment styles predict lowerlevels of empathy. Both forms of narcissism are associated with avoidant attachmentstyles' (http://www.psych.unimelb.edu.au/sites/live-1-14-1.msps.moatdev.com/files/Capstone%20Posters%20%28Part%209%29.pdf)

 

He might be not so innocent in what he does!

[Redhead14]

Hey!

 

I have just booked in an appointment with a therapist on Friday, I am finally taking steps to improve my life. Hopefully I can work through the anxiety I often feel.

 

I agree NC is the way forward, I do have to change a few things to make it workable for me due to my work circumstances, I actually considered passing my company on to someone else while I heal, so I would not be in such a close proximity to him every weekend and be forced to be 'social' but that would mean losing a lot of money, so therapy is a logical middle ground.

 

xxx

 

You go girl!!!

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi scientist. You know, people who avoid are not a category. .....He might be not so innocent in what he does!

 

D'You know, I never for an instant thought he was unaware. I always felt he knew exactly what he was doing, especially when TheScientist actually revealed he was actually TRYING to get drunk (because he opens up when he's had a bit of the ol' sauce), so it shows an awareness of his own consciousness and deliberateness in this liaison....

[TheScientist]

Hi scientist. You know, people who avoid are not a category. For example dismissive-avoidance and the fearful variant, and all the other tastes are placed on a spectrum. Also in different contexts we can have different ways to present ourselves attachment-wise. Meanwhile there also numerous other factors at play that could have nothing to do with attachment-style or are even more serious.

 

Your ex constantly does things that to be honest surprise me. It could be something that fearful-avoidants do, or perhaps he is just a very spoiled immature manchild. It could be just that. What was his age again? Nevertheless I find him very manipulative in getting attention, and the way he is opening up now. I am surprised with that that. I was not joking when I wrote that he seems to be a bit narcistic:

 

'Bennett (2005) demonstrated that avoidant and anxious attachment styles are central to the origins of narcissism, whilst insecure attachment styles predict lowerlevels of empathy. Both forms of narcissism are associated with avoidant attachmentstyles' (http://www.psych.unimelb.edu.au/sites/live-1-14-1.msps.moatdev.com/files/Capstone%20Posters%20%28Part%209%29.pdf)

 

He might be not so innocent in what he does!

 

He is 29!

 

He does love attention and does like to be adored, more comfortable with women rather then men, loves casual sex over intimate sex, loves porn and fantasy, I sometimes find him a bit awkward around men, unless he has his shirt off and muscles out he is really sensitive to people putting him down and always mentions it (just with me), he blocks people when they stress him out (which was a surprise to me) but he does feel, he is always so worried about his family, he does kind and sweet things for them, and for me too.

 

Narcs don't have empathy do they? He is sometimes cold, especially before we broke, but he doesn't lack empathy.

[TheScientist]

D'You know, I never for an instant thought he was unaware. I always felt he knew exactly what he was doing, especially when TheScientist actually revealed he was actually TRYING to get drunk (because he opens up when he's had a bit of the ol' sauce), so it shows an awareness of his own consciousness and deliberateness in this liaison....

 

You guys are scaring me, what does this mean...are things much worse than I thought??

[TaraMaiden2]

Whatever they do, there's always something in it for them.

Narc's are incapable of being altruistic.

Whatever they do, no matter how noble, kind, generous or sweet it may seem, there's a payoff.

 

Generally, it's even as mundane as the praise and attention it gets them, and the recognition it brings.

[TaraMaiden2]

You guys are scaring me, what does this mean...are things much worse than I thought??

 

It means he's manipulating you, because he uses you for his own gratification.

He does and says the things he does and says, because he knows he has a willing "victim" in you.

 

"Oh, let's not talk about me any more - let's talk about you - how do YOU like my new jacket...?"

[TheScientist]

Whatever they do, there's always something in it for them.

Narc's are incapable of being altruistic.

Whatever they do, no matter how noble, kind, generous or sweet it may seem, there's a payoff.

 

Generally, it's even as mundane as the praise and attention it gets them, and the recognition it brings.

 

 

So if he is Narc, he is completely ingenuine? How do i find out?

[TaraMaiden2]

No, not completely. At least they have the sense to do good stuff and be nice. Sociopaths, it's ALL an act. Narcissists enjoy company because they can shine. They re capable of great affection, but the bottom line is self-interest.

 

The thing to remember is this:

 

"I know you probably have a great deal of affection for me, but your interests come first, and the deal is always to make you feel good. I am secondary to that aim."

 

That's how they work.

They like you a whole lot.

They 'like' themselves a whole lot. More.

[Redhead14]

There is a line of thinking that says if you want to know if someone is a narcissist, you should ask them because they are so full of themselves they will tell you. But, a true NPD is entirely too cunning for that. They do understand that narcissism is a bad trait and so they will not paint themselves in that light. That would damage their image of being perfect.

 

If you suspect that someone is a narcissist because of his attitude, demeanor and behavior, you should get an answer that is so contrary to the behavior they exhibit which in itself will tell you the truth.

 

"How can you ask me that. That hurts me. I am a sensitive caring guy." 5 minutes later, he says you are the one with a problem and then calls you a ____.

[TheScientist]

It means he's manipulating you, because he uses you for his own gratification.

He does and says the things he does and says, because he knows he has a willing "victim" in you.

 

"Oh, let's not talk about me any more - let's talk about you - how do YOU like my new jacket...?"

 

Ah ok!

 

He talks about himself as equally as he lets me speak and he compliments me and my achievements and encourages me to do things. He doesn't really like me being over complimentive, thinks it scares him as he thinks it means I love him, it's fine if it's in a supportive way.

 

He isn't nasty, we'll definitely not in a way I have noticed.. Mainly avoidant traits from what I can see.

 

I'm really worried, people that have dated narcs take years to recover!!

[Itspointless]

Ah ok!

 

He talks about himself as equally as he lets me speak and he compliments me and my achievements and encourages me to do things. He doesn't really like me being over complimentive, thinks it scares him as he thinks it means I love him, it's fine if it's in a supportive way.

 

He isn't nasty, we'll definitely not in a way I have noticed.. Mainly avoidant traits from what I can see.

 

I'm really worried, people that have dated narcs take years to recover!!

Scientist I am not a psychologist, and even professionals cannot diagnose over the internet. We just warn you what could be, as I think he is very manipulative. Also there are diffident types of narcissist, overt and covert as I understand: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201601/7-signs-covert-introvert-narcissist

 

Your healing depends on your resilience. Do not worry about how other people healed. You may be a bit codependent but you sound strong! Care a bit less about him and a bit more about yourself.