Ex Intimacy Issues - what next

[TheScientist]

Good Afternoon from sunny London,

 

My boyfriend and I broke up 5 weeks ago after it became clear that he had massive intimacy and commitment issues, he realises he does have issues and does sabotage but seems to think he is looking for 'real love and intimacy' and 'doesn't know who he is going to end up with' - we all know this is how they reason their issues, and I'm sure this was after a good few months worth of fault finding on his behalf, plus months of hot and cold behaviour which seriously dented my sense of self worth as it usually does in such circumstances.

 

We never had sex and sharing a bed became an issue about 6-8 weeks in, i could see him worry at even the suggestion. The amount of times we would have a conversation about feelings and he would freeze, I wish I understood more then.

 

He does practise swinging/casual sex as a way of seperating things in his head.

 

Nothing he did was with the intent of hurting me, but of course it did.

 

The weird thing is, in his own little way he trusts me, and when we broke up, he insisted we would be friends, since we have been having more honest conversations (yes granted when he has a little help from vodka!) but we know that we don't want to lose or hurt each other, we have been very kind to each other, especially me, and he said he knows he will never meet someone like me again but he just doesn't know what to do and how to let go and open up.

 

When we did split up he insisted he didn't want to date, anyone, but I know he is, he gets off on the honeymoon period. I get it.

 

However I am still stuck in this personal hell where I can't let go, I don't want to abandon him, part of me wants to stick around and build this trust, I know it's not completely hopeless, however the other part of me knows i'm going to end up so very hurt after investing so much love, care and attention, watching him move on to one and then another and I'm just there.

 

I know I can't stick around and let go at the same time, but I don't want to mess up my chances of working things out with him. I'm finding it really hard to reason things.

 

Has anyone ever encountered someone with such issues, and how did you move on? Do you still speak, did they ever open up?

 

Thank you

[Itspointless]

Has anyone ever encountered someone with such issues, and how did you move on? Do you still speak, did they ever open up?

I have and I can give you many names of others here. With me it only lasted a few months until she got in medical problems (again) and pushed me away. She blocked all emotions and acted like some kind of robot. The hurt was awful. It took me a long time to feel better. I advice you to try to grieve too, there is no shortcut, but at some point you will start to feel better again.

 

Perhaps you can ask him to do a test on attachment-styles. There are good tests on the internet and reads about it, that might help him of he wants. If he is open for it great (they: dismissive-avoidants usually are not, as they have a positive imagine about themselves and a negative about others). Even when he goes to therapy it can takes years for him to change. Most probable is that this is who he is for the rest of his life. But some people do change, depending on the severity of their attachment issues.

[TaraMaiden2]

OP, you need to give up hope, because you can't fix him, and if he needs fixing, he has to recognise it, acknowledge it and do it for himself - for himself.

He has to find a therapist or counsellor, and stick with a program, and I really feel he would be better off without you in the picture otherwise any focus on self-improvement will have you in the wings or the background and will merely serve to distract him from his purpose.

 

To leave negative issues and complications behind, and focus on his own character-structure, and better himself as a person and potential partner.

 

He won't be doing it for you.

The issues you have encountered may well even be masking the fact that you guys are not compatible.

 

Finding the problem, is not the problem's solution.

Finding the problem is the easy part.

Fixing the problem may take years.

 

How long are you willing to put your life on hold and suspend the aim of being happy, and fulfilled, for the sake of someone who is really quite messed up?

 

He seems to realise he has issues - but only after imbibing alcohol.

When he's stone-cold sober, is he as ready, willing and able to be so up-front and frank?

 

Your issues are not like anyone else's issues, because you've made them.

you have decided to do this.

You have to decide whether you want to continue, in the full knowledge that when it comes to therapy, he could run a mile.

But it's the one thing he needs more than anything else.

[TheScientist]

I have and I can give you many names of others here. With me it only lasted a few months until she got in medical problems (again) and pushed me away. She blocked all emotions and acted like some kind of robot. The hurt was awful. It took me a long time to feel better. I advice you to try to grieve too, there is no shortcut, but at some point you will start to feel better again.

 

Perhaps you can ask him to do a test on attachment-styles. There are good tests on the internet and reads about it, that might help him of he wants. If he is open for it great (they: dismissive-avoidants usually are not, as they have a positive imagine about themselves and a negative about others). Even when he goes to therapy it can takes years for him to change. Most probable is that this is who he is for the rest of his life. But some people do change, depending on the severity of their attachment issues.

 

 

Thank you so much for your reply,

 

Robot is actually the nickname my best friend refers to him as when asking for updates.

 

He knows he has issues, but doesn't seem overly concerned about changing his ways, or seeking helps, we read books on it together and although he agreed its him, he wasn't exactly overly concerned. I truly believe although he knows, he hasn't accepted it, and does not want to take responsibility for them either, I guess by admitting it completely would be like saying that all the conflict that ultimately won in his subconscious was wrong, if that makes sense.

 

Part of me recognises that he doesn't want me to leave him, I see the look in his eyes when we discuss it, however I am too kind to him and always make him feel accepted, even when it hurts or makes no sense, because I see the love he has that he is scared to share.

 

It's very hard. xx

[Itspointless]

Thank you so much for your reply [...] He knows he has issues, but doesn't seem overly concerned about changing his ways, or seeking helps [...]

 

It's very hard. xx

Your welcome and yes it is very hard! That one sentence above, is your answer, just as it was mine. I still wish it was different but it isn't, this is who they are and they - believe it or not - are fine with the consequences.

 

Are you anxious attached or perhaps a bit codependent? It sounds like you already are adjusting to him

[TheScientist]

OP, you need to give up hope, because you can't fix him, and if he needs fixing, he has to recognise it, acknowledge it and do it for himself - for himself.

He has to find a therapist or counsellor, and stick with a program, and I really feel he would be better off without you in the picture otherwise any focus on self-improvement will have you in the wings or the background and will merely serve to distract him from his purpose.

 

To leave negative issues and complications behind, and focus on his own character-structure, and better himself as a person and potential partner.

 

He won't be doing it for you.

The issues you have encountered may well even be masking the fact that you guys are not compatible.

 

Finding the problem, is not the problem's solution.

Finding the problem is the easy part.

Fixing the problem may take years.

 

How long are you willing to put your life on hold and suspend the aim of being happy, and fulfilled, for the sake of someone who is really quite messed up?

 

He seems to realise he has issues - but only after imbibing alcohol.

When he's stone-cold sober, is he as ready, willing and able to be so up-front and frank?

 

Your issues are not like anyone else's issues, because you've made them.

you have decided to do this.

You have to decide whether you want to continue, in the full knowledge that when it comes to therapy, he could run a mile.

But it's the one thing he needs more than anything else.

 

You're very right, when he is sober he mentions his issues but tends the to nit pick at my faults more, but after a few drinks it's the complete opposite.

 

I think if I stood before him now (him sober) and said, would you consider therapy he would say 'for what darling, it's over' or erm and er. Guess that answers my question.

 

Thank you for saying it how it is - he won't be doing it for me, if he had he would of considered all those weeks ago when we sat and discussed these issues and the fact this situation is no good for me, for him to then to plead that as I remain in his life as a friend as he has no one in his life he trusts and can be open with about things, except me. I already knew that, but it was like a vulnerable child handing me a baton, and with my already flared up feelings it would of been impossible to not try.

 

I have tried, for the last five weeks, and our relationship has the same pattern as when we were together, although it's much easier to deal with now, and to be honest mild amusing as now I know exactly how he reacts to everything, it's still energy and time consuming.

 

I need to back off for my sanity, I would be lying if I said me doing so wouldn't come with the added hope that he would feel loss and seek help, but at this stage he probably has more than a few young ladies looking out for him.

 

Hardcore NC is pretty pointless in our circumstance as I organise events he attends every weekend which means I can't actively avoid someone without seeming unprofessional, especially as if I am ignoring him via messages he will make an attempt to speak to me in person.

 

I will back away via messages, completely cutting off will just make me seem like a crazy person at this point, as only yesterday was I reassuring him he could always ask for my help (he is ill, but typically can't depend or ask anyone for anything)

 

I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I will never move on if he is in my life.

 

x

[TaraMaiden2]

Permit me to just inform you that the original No Contact Guide was written by a guy who worked, day in and day out, with his ex-fiancee, in the same office building.

He experienced a traumatic family death, and she (I believe, but don't quote me) cheated on him and dumped him when within all reason, he needed her support the most.

 

After implementing NC she was climbing the walls with frustration at his success. However, because he maintained it to - the - letter - that was not his problem.

It was entirely hers.

 

Just a thought.

 

And going back on your word is nothing when you consider how much he has been messing with your mind - which you yourself acknowledge, it seems...

[TheScientist]

Your welcome and yes it is very hard! That one sentence above, is your answer, just as it was mine. I still wish it was different but it isn't, this is who they are and they - believe it or not - are fine with the consequences.

 

Are you anxious attached or perhaps a bit codependent? It sounds like you already are adjusting to him

 

I am slightly codependent, and indeed I have indeed adjusted, I'm so conditioned to his ways that I might as well have buttons on me that say 'play'. That bloody eject button is missing though!!

 

The reality it, he knows he could of lost me but it didn't stop him ending it, I think he knew I would stick around, he even said so to his mother who said he can't carry on like this. (She is abroad, I never met her and to be honest didn't even know she knew about me) he was showing me the emails when he was drunk, I felt a bit uncomfortable as felt like when he was sober he would be horrified so tried not to see to much, however I did read 'friends won't work!! what if she gets a boyfriend' and his reply which I saw a bit of was 'yes it will work...'

 

His mum is also aware of his issues and told him if he doesn't sort them out he will be alone forever.

 

I don't want to lose him, I don't want to abandon him, but it's already hurt me too much.

 

How would you recommend backing away, should I cut down contact or do I cut it off?

[TaraMaiden2]

Erm.... I did try to outline that you should cut it off completely....

 

I apologise if I didn't make it sufficiently clear myself.........

[TheScientist]

Permit me to just inform you that the original No Contact Guide was written by a guy who worked, day in and day out, with his ex-fiancee, in the same office building.

He experienced a traumatic family death, and she (I believe, but don't quote me) cheated on him and dumped him when within all reason, he needed her support the most.

 

After implementing NC she was climbing the walls with frustration at his success. However, because he maintained it to - the - letter - that was not his problem.

It was entirely hers.

 

Just a thought.

 

And going back on your word is nothing when you consider how much he has been messing with your mind - which you yourself acknowledge, it seems...

 

Just typing this all alone out has been therapeutic, seeing what I have accepted and encouraged makes what I have to do a lot clearer.

 

The brief moments I feel close to him seem to make up for all the moments I am not, and guess now I can't even speak up and say why? It's almost like I am trying to fix him while hanging on but in reality he couldn't care less and all I am doing is getting fixes for myself.

 

I need to cut my losses. If I was the effort I would of been a long long time ago.

 

I shall have a look at the NC rules.

 

x

[Itspointless]

How would you recommend backing away, should I cut down contact or do I cut it off?

Tara, wasn't there also a guide how to do low contact for people who couldn't distance completely, as she organizes those events he attends?

[Hell Yeah]

Do not waste your time with a person that has 'intimacy issues' if this is true then it's something possibly even bigger than that

 

Being with or longing for this person will be mentally tiring, confusing, it will make you waste good opportunities out there waiting for you.

 

They need to change on their own grounds and terms and they rarely do

 

I wasted 18 months of my life and feelings, while actually damaging my own ego, health, personality and happiness for a person that I 'hoped' would change and see how good it all was. It didn't and I'm wasting my precious energy on my past relationship

 

You have limited time in this world, if this person cannot see and open up for the person that you are, flush them down the toilet and look forward to the next new moment

[TaraMaiden2]

Tara, wasn't there also a guide how to do low contact for people who couldn't distance completely, as she organizes those events he attends?

Yes, it's all in the NC Guide... LC means 'Limited Contact', and is appropriate for those who are forced to see one another through circumstance, ie, having children together, or working together...

 

It means you "stick to topic". In other words, you (in the first example) discuss everything you need to discuss with regard to the care, welfare, and well-being of the children. All discussion is in their best interests, but that's all you discuss.

 

Similarly, for those who work together, discussion focuses solely on professional matters, and anything to do with the duties within the workplace.

Any discussion takes place about work, at work and that's it.

 

As the OP runs events, discussion should be practically (literally), monosyllabic, with as little engagement as possible. Polite, but distant, and don't be afraid of excusing yourself because *there's someone I need to talk to/ something I must do/place I have to be*.

[TheScientist]

Tara, wasn't there also a guide how to do low contact for people who couldn't distance completely, as she organizes those events he attends?

 

Thank you so much everyone that has replied so far - I have looked through low contact and made lists and ways I can apply it all to my circumstances.

 

I have a feeling my ex will be attending with some pretty hot girls over the next few weeks following me starting LC just to see if I care, he did this a few weeks back when a mutual friend mentioned that someone else was quite keen on me, so assume he will try and seek a reaction, but then again who knows.

 

He messaged me a few hours back saying 'thanks for always caring' - I messaged him this morning asking if he was ok...I know he doesn't really understand feelings and is shocked and the depth of people's humanity, he just doesn't get it when people are vulnerable, even though he always said he really respected how kind and compassionate I was. Anyway that doesn't matter, just feels like I wasted myself.

 

I see now that I tried too hard, why would be even bother changing for someone that would always try and please him, that's even assuming if we are compatible.

 

I don't want to hurt anymore.

 

X

[Itspointless]

Thank you so much everyone that has replied so far - I have looked through low contact and made lists and ways I can apply it all to my circumstances.

 

I have a feeling my ex will be attending with some pretty hot girls over the next few weeks following me starting LC just to see if I care, he did this a few weeks back when a mutual friend mentioned that someone else was quite keen on me, so assume he will try and seek a reaction, but then again who knows.

 

He messaged me a few hours back saying 'thanks for always caring' - I messaged him this morning asking if he was ok...I know he doesn't really understand feelings and is shocked and the depth of people's humanity, he just doesn't get it when people are vulnerable, even though he always said he really respected how kind and compassionate I was. Anyway that doesn't matter, just feels like I wasted myself.

 

I see now that I tried too hard, why would be even bother changing for someone that would always try and please him, that's even assuming if we are compatible.

 

I don't want to hurt anymore.

 

X

You seem to be a smart person considering the things I asked you and already being on top of it. I think that really is good! If you want some more info about him than I recommend this video:

I do advice you to focus on you now, you deserve it.

 

A good night from the other side of the north sea.

[TheScientist]

You seem to be a smart person considering the things I asked you and already being on top of it. I think that really is good! If you want some more info about him than I recommend this video:

I do advice you to focus on you now, you deserve it.

 

A good night from the other side of the north sea.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it, a lot of my personal friends are so easy to just push men under the umbrella of 'crazy psychos' because they have watched a documentary on someone of similar behaviour, so sometimes I find it difficult explaining how I feel to people that don't see the other side to my ex, and I am sure they think i'm completely exaggerating how much of a U-Turn he made emotionally from start to finish.

 

Anyway I do have to stop going on about him, it's my time to heal now.

 

Feel like I am in a better place now as I have had five weeks to research and assess things - endless books and case studies have helped me work out what is going on, but I guess I just needed that one last push from people that know better/have been there-done that to let me know that it never changes, I will always be stuck in this damn cycle. He even promised me as friends things would be different, he wouldn't be so emotionally cut off, but I don't think he realises that it's just not intimacy in a romantic relationship he runs from, it's any close relationship!!

 

I do feel like I have let go of an emotional balloon, right this moment I feel relatively strong but I know day two of no contact (tomorrow) or even this evening is when I will start to feel anxious and the 'this is really' happening, will he miss me...blah blah, know it's counterproductive and it shouldn't matter if he misses me or not - this is for me not for him, but at least I'm honest about it, and know it will happen, but at least I can prepare.

 

My normal phone is also my work and personal which means I can't really block him, I was considering blocking him via whatsapp only but then again I don't want to cause any gossip and make me look unprofessional if he was perhaps to mention, or perhaps check with one of his friends (my clients). It's a really annoying but less I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

Before leaving for work this morning I had an amazon delivery including 'Relationship sabotuers' by Gunther, of course I went straight to the 'Intimacy issues' chapter but stopped a few pages in, I think by this point I know enough and think I am only really ordering these books so I can carry on lingering/feeling sorry for myself, no more!!!

 

Dear L, i'm no longer on a plate for you, giving more than I got, I have to save myself...bit by bit. Don't wonder why, you helped me get here.

 

 

xxxxx

[TheScientist]

Morning All

 

It's day two of no contact.

 

The longest we haven't spoken is five days during one of his push away episodes, but then I was waiting patiently for a message or anything, now day two of no contact I'm anxiously hoping he won't message me, that he wont message and he won't attend tonight.

 

I know the chances is he probably will but for the first time I don't want him to, keep away, let me heal.

 

(even though I still have that awful part of my brain that wont sleep, that still says he will message and say he wants to come over and say 'hello', that he does care in his own way, I wish it would stop but at least for now it's not distracting me from this process)

 

I will have to reply if he messages (he always keeps it business only during a 'push away period') but even discussing if he is attending what event means I know where he is going, and perhaps even with.

 

I am a prime example of why you should not poop on your own doorstep!!

 

I can understand why people say 'with space comes clarity' its given me a chance to look at things a lot clearer, this was never meant to be friendship, it's basically a relationship he was comfortable with, with someone he supposedly wanted, while he could date other girls, and still have me there with the comfort he sort of feels ok to get from me compared to other girls.

 

He said (during a drunk honest chat 2 weeks ago when mentioning some guy that supposedly likes me) that if he was honest, there is a part of him that wishes he could hold on to what we have, but he can't be selfish, he can't keep hold of me. What part of this isn't selfish? I gain nothing from this connection but pain, a constant reminder of the good bits, and yes some of the bad.

 

Yes we were friends, of course a part of most relationships are friendships, but not now, not for a long time will I be able to look at him as 'L that is just my friend'

 

I lost myself, he used to make these little comments that used to stay with me for a long time, about the events I plan and manage, even though he knew that's what I did before we even went on our first date!!! It haunted me, made me feel like a bad person, EVEN THOUGH HE ATTENDED THESE EVENTS, mine and others, even before we had met!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm angry, i'm sad, I miss him (or maybe I want him to miss me?! or both?!), but most of all, I just want this feeling to stop, to let go and move on from every negative feeling this 'relationship' has created.

 

'You have suffered enough

and warred with yourself.

It's time that you won'

 

'Never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is brave,

even if you stumbled a little on your way out the door'

 

(Lord knows...took five weeks of stumbling)

 

Dear L,

 

I am angry with you today, but most of all angry with myself. I let you in, opened myself up to only have you judge and examine me, use the things that you know would get to me, while you removed yourself unscathed because I was too stupid to see all the ways you controlled me, all the faults that I refused to see.

 

I can't unmeet you, and I don't know if I would want to, you taught me a lot about myself, and how I'm not that strong at all. We both lost parents at an early age and felt very close sharing those feelings, I guess that's why you felt it was OK to open up sometimes, I wouldn't judge. Those moments were good and wouldn't wish them away, not right now anyway.

 

 

XXX

[TheScientist]

Oh the irony, I was listening to Amir Levines 'Attachment' Audiobook (which is very good by the way!) I'm two hours in the 'why the avoidant doesnt see you as a threat anymore' bit and guess who messages me.....

 

 

'Hey you, what are you up to, fancy lunch?'

 

I told him last Friday that I wish things didn't have to be this way and now he wants lunch....

[TheScientist]

I didn't reply but he re text,

 

'I might see you later tonight then X'

 

So now I have to be anxious all evening thinking is he coming, isn't he !!

 

Is it bad that as soon as I read that my first thought was, I better look hot tonight!!! Oh god this is going to awful, he is going to rub my nose in it

 

Please advice and encouragement is needed

[Itspointless]

I lost myself, he used to make these little comments that used to stay with me for a long time, about the events I plan and manage, even though he knew that's what I did before we even went on our first date!!! It haunted me, made me feel like a bad person, EVEN THOUGH HE ATTENDED THESE EVENTS, mine and others, even before we had met!!!!!!!!! [...] you taught me a lot about myself, and how I'm not that strong at all. We both lost parents at an early age and felt very close sharing those feelings, I guess that's why you felt it was OK to open up sometimes, I wouldn't judge.

Good that you use this website as a diary! It seems he taught you the opposite of what I am getting: you seem strong to me. I am sorry you have also lost a parent, I did too when I was an adolescent: my mother had ALS. My ex also had a severe history and it made us connect too. Not the best way to connect I guess.

 

Do not give him the chance to feel less than you are worth! Everybody has faults, but avoidant people use everything they see as an excuse to distance. They are scared deep down that we will abandon them just like they were abandoned when young. This is not you it is him.

 

Is your event tonight? Otherwise I would advice you to plan something different. It seems like he is using you in a way a vampire does. Can't you go somewhere with some friends? Or just watch a movie at home?

 

Believe in yourself!

[katiegrl]

I didn't reply but he re text,

 

'I might see you later tonight then X'

 

So now I have to be anxious all evening thinking is he coming, isn't he !!

 

Is it bad that as soon as I read that my first thought was, I better look hot tonight!!! Oh god this is going to awful, he is going to rub my nose in it

 

Please advice and encouragement is needed

 

Block, delete, next. Trust me, doing so is very empowering, and makes NC soooooo much easier...

 

This man will destroy you emotionally IF you allow it.

 

Don't allow it, your choice, your decision.

 

He has serious issues you can't fix, please block him and take steps to move on.

 

It will be the hardest thing you ever did, but in the end you end up stronger and wiser.

 

Stay with a friend tonight.

 

Be good to yourself.

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[TheScientist]

Good that you use this website as a diary! It seems he taught you the opposite of what I am getting: you seem strong to me. I am sorry you have also lost a parent, I did too when I was an adolescent: my mother had ALS. My ex also had a severe history and it made us connect too. Not the best way to connect I guess.

 

Do not give him the chance to feel less than you are worth! Everybody has faults, but avoidant people use everything they see as an excuse to distance. They are scared deep down that we will abandon them just like they were abandoned when young. This is not you it is him.

 

Is your event tonight? Otherwise I would advice you to plan something different. It seems like he is using you in a way a vampire does. Can't you go somewhere with some friends? Or just watch a movie at home?

 

Believe in yourself!

 

Hey and thank you for your kind words!

 

It's my event this evening so I have to be there, and I have to confirm the names at the door so suspect he wanted me to message him to confirm whether he is coming or not so I can add it - but I will add it anyway, that way I don't need to ask him, damage control.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your losses, I had multiple losses around the same time as my father dying, my best friend (my cousin) died the month before and my grandfather who raised me died a year after, my family weren't supportive and I wasn't able to express how I felt as they were too upset themselves with the loses, I guess that's why when I lose certain people I subconsciously freak out, I think 'I can't lose them too'! His mother used to tell him to essentially man up and that he is now the father figure as he was the oldest boy, so I see why he has become like this, he really is a good guy, but so messed up, it makes me very sad because I can almost feel him reach out to me sometimes!

 

I have invited my friend to come this evening for moral support, plus she can speak to him if he comes over, I just feel too weak at the moment, like if he looks at me I will just go and hug him and stick my head on his chest!

 

I need to remember he is no good for me, he amplified every bad feeling I have, whether he meant it or not I can't wish for a future with someone like that, someone always picking away at my flaws.

[Itspointless]

Hey and thank you for your kind words!

It is my pleasure.

It's my event this evening so I have to be there, and I have to confirm the names at the door so suspect he wanted me to message him to confirm whether he is coming or not so I can add it - but I will add it anyway, that way I don't need to ask him, damage control.

Good! Also follow what Taramaiden adviced you about limited contact. And if you have the heart for it do what Katie says. Katie her advice is as far as I can tell always on point.

I'm sorry to hear about your losses, I had multiple losses around the same time as my father dying, my best friend (my cousin) died the month before and my grandfather who raised me died a year after, my family weren't supportive and I wasn't able to express how I felt as they were too upset themselves with the loses, I guess that's why when I lose certain people I subconsciously freak out, I think 'I can't lose them too'! His mother used to tell him to essentially man up and that he is now the father figure as he was the oldest boy, so I see why he has become like this, he really is a good guy, but so messed up, it makes me very sad because I can almost feel him reach out to me sometimes!

You are a good person. And I am really sorry that you had multiple losses :hugs: I have to admit though that those years were crazy as everything seemed to come at the same time: also with my grandparents who died in a way I also do not want if I can have some say in it. Although I have to say, that I think I haven't had much luck since either. But everything taught me to be happy too. I now I understand why you said that you are a bit codependent. I guess I am too. My ex was abundant when she was six or seven (!), still, believe me, we cannot rescue them! It is hard as unconsciously I t try to do that too.

I have invited my friend to come this evening for moral support, plus she can speak to him if he comes over, I just feel too weak at the moment, like if he looks at me I will just go and hug him and stick my head on his chest!

Smart, and really happy to hear that.

I need to remember he is no good for me, he amplified every bad feeling I have, whether he meant it or not I can't wish for a future with someone like that, someone always picking away at my flaws.

Keep reminding yourself of that! You can do this!

[TheScientist]

Block, delete, next. Trust me, doing so is very empowering, and makes NC soooooo much easier...

 

This man will destroy you emotionally IF you allow it.

 

Don't allow it, your choice, your decision.

 

He has serious issues you can't fix, please block him and take steps to move on.

 

It will be the hardest thing you ever did, but in the end you end up stronger and wiser.

 

Stay with a friend tonight.

 

Be good to yourself.

 

Thank you for your reply, I run social parties which means I not only have to be around my ex but have to actually be friendly and social with him...as I have found this weekend!

 

will explain properly in my next post xxx

[TheScientist]

It is my pleasure.

 

Good! Also follow what Taramaiden adviced you about limited contact. And if you have the heart for it do what Katie says. Katie her advice is as far as I can tell always on point.

 

You are a good person. And I am really sorry that you had multiple losses :hugs: I have to admit though that those years were crazy as everything seemed to come at the same time: also with my grandparents who died in a way I also do not want if I can have some say in it. Although I have to say, that I think I haven't had much luck since either. But everything taught me to be happy too. I now I understand why you said that you are a bit codependent. I guess I am too. My ex was abundant when she was six or seven (!), still, believe me, we cannot rescue them! It is hard as unconsciously I t try to do that too.

 

Smart, and really happy to hear that.

 

Keep reminding yourself of that! You can do this!

 

I'm so sorry...I wish i could send my hug to you from across the pond!

 

xxxx