seattle0500 Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Hey all, I need some honest advice. I've been out with this guy a few times, it's still very early in the "relationship," we don't know each other that well and no expectations have been set. The past couple times we went out, I spent the night at his place (fooling around but no sex). Things seemed to be going well. Then, I was out of town for a week and didn't see him. When I got back we got together and again, things seemed to be going well, but at the end of the night he didn't have me back to his place, he claimed he was exhausted and just needed to sleep. WTF? Is this a blow off? I mean, my instinct says that even if you're tired/not feeling great and just want to sleep, you still have the person spend the night (if you're interested). Some honest advice here please, because I want to be clear about this in my mind so that I can move on and not analyze things or think about it or make excuses for him.... Many thanks!
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 While he may have been legitimately tired, I think there's a tad of 'emotional downgrade' in there too.
seattle0500 Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Just how much emotional downgrade, though? I mean, should I just forget about it and chalk it up to "he's not that into me"? Or should I wait it out and see if he calls?
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 You've only been out with him afew times, and you even said there are no expectations yet...SO don't put any in there. Just go with the flow. If he says he's tired since he was away all week, then I'm sure he's tired. The upcoming weeks will be a test - How much you both DO while together. Try not to worry about it, don't go looking for issues that may not be there.
seattle0500 Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 I realize that I may be looking for issues and analyzing too much, but the past couple times we've gone out, he's wanted me to spend the night. And he told me how much he loved my body and thought that I was so hot, etc. We didn't sleep together, but there was still some fooling around. So why are the brakes applied all of a sudden? Even if he's tired, wouldn't he want to at least sleep next to me?
Mary3 Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Reasons : He was ligitimately tired. He was not getting to second base and did not want a repeat nite of sleep over pals. He has lost interest for some reason. He is interested in someone else. In any case , since your friendship was pretty new you could talk to him about this if he means alot to you. But if he just simply lost interest altogether then I am not sure I would do much except note the amount to time he calls you on the phone now. If the phone calls disappear then you can assume he has as well....Time will tell
seattle0500 Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Well, if he did lose interest, I don't know why he'd go to the trouble of taking me out that night, only to pull the "I'm tired" line. In my mind, I'm thinking that even if he's exhausted, he'd still want me in his bed, if only to sleep. A few of my friends think that since it's sooo early in the relationship (only one month, and only like 3 or 4 dates) that he coulda been legimiately tired and that having someone over just to sleep is more of a thing to do when you're in an established relationship. Thoughts?
scarlyjones Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Havent you ever just been so tired and you really looked forward to having your own WHOOOOLE bed to yourself? I think you're inventing problems. We do that all the time in relationships,..dont we? He see negative things that arent really there.
crazy_grl Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by seattle0500 A few of my friends think that since it's sooo early in the relationship (only one month, and only like 3 or 4 dates) that he coulda been legimiately tired and that having someone over just to sleep is more of a thing to do when you're in an established relationship. I'd agree with that. I can't imagine a guy wanting a girl to spend the night just to sleep on the first few dates. That just seems like it would be sexually frustrating for both parties. I guess it wasn't for you, but that doesn't mean it wasn't for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was hoping for more than just sleeping those first few times. Maybe he's realized that he's not going to do anything more and he'd rather have a nice, comfortable sleep alone. He did still ask you out though, so he's probably still interested and okay with the idea that you're not going to sleep together right away. He just doesn't want the increased sexual frustration that comes from you spending the night in his bed.
seattle0500 Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Thanks for the advice so far, everyone. It's really helping. I guess I've been somewhat brainwashed by that "He's Just Not That Into You" book, which says that come hell or high water, a guy who's truly interested will want to spend the night with you...no matter how tired. I don't wanna be making excuses for him, you know?
Sal Paradise Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Many relationship books are complete crap. And you should never take these books as complete truth.
norcaldivr Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 He was not getting to second base and did not want a repeat nite of sleep over pals. I think that is right on target. Sleeping with someone you like and not moving to the natural conclusion would be very unsatisfying, to say the least.
seattle0500 Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 quote: I think that is right on target. Sleeping with someone you like and not moving to the natural conclusion would be very unsatisfying, to say the least. So are you saying that he really WAS tired? That if he weren't tired, he would have invited me back to his place to at the very least hook up and maybe have sex?
seattle0500 Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 I know, but if you're really into a girl, shouldn't that fact alone make you more awake and lively and energized? Shouldn't you be able to fend off exhaustion if you're truly into someone?
scarlyjones Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by seattle0500 Thanks for the advice so far, everyone. It's really helping. I guess I've been somewhat brainwashed by that "He's Just Not That Into You" book, which says that come hell or high water, a guy who's truly interested will want to spend the night with you...no matter how tired. I don't wanna be making excuses for him, you know? That type of book is nothing but opinion. How can whomever wrote that possibly know what the majority of men are thinking in all situations unless they, themselves have been with all men in all situations????? Its THE AUTHORS opinions,.....based on THE AUTHORS experiences....
Mary3 Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 I have not read that book but I dont think we need a book to realize that if someone is sleeping in your bed that they may have some desirous feelings for you and wish to act upon them one starry nite.... I still say he is either A ) Legitimately tired and just wanted the bed to himself or B) He is frustrated that he isnt getting his needs met sleeping next to a hot warm body. ( Of course that warm body is you and you are human too....should you consider the ramifications of sleeping next to someone night after nite....? ) The idea of that book saying if he wants to stay the nite ( means he is into you ) is kinda bunk because some people really prefer sleeping alone because they find it difficult to sleep next to a restless snoring partner. Of course we are not referring to people who are deeply serious about eachother , contemplating marraige and will sleep together for many years. This applies to you and your very new relationship. He may not want you in his bed EVERY nite...
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 he respects you! gasp!!! Maybe he likes what you two have, closeness, respect for each other, and no sex just yet. He could be holding out for the very reason that he IS into you and thinks that if he had you over, that for sure sex would happen. Could he be a decent guy just maybe???
nicki Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 I never heard of just sleeping with a guy, no sex, before you actually have sex for the first time. I would enjoy some making out on the couch, though, first. But no bedroom until i'm ready to give it all up. For me, a sleeping and cuddling night would only come after the first night of sex. Sex night first, then maybe a night spent in the same bed without sex...although, i kind of doubt i would be able to that... It would be impossible for me to (only) sleep next to someone I am attracted to. I would jump him several times during the night! He probably is holding out until you two have sex. In that case, I would go out with him again and let him know how desirable he is to you. Compliment him, touch him. Let him know he is still in the game.
Cecelius Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Most men wouldn't welcome a woman they've been dating to sleep over that early going without sex. It's a great way to get into the friendzone.
seattle0500 Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 So then you guys think that I'm okay here? That he'll call to set something up again later in the week?
Mary3 Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 I think you both need to talk about the sleepover thing and where it is going to lead.
seattle0500 Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 yeah, i've been talking to friends about it, and they all seem to be telling me that it's fine, not to worry. i was just kinda stunned, that has never happened to me before. i kind of expected that his attraction to me would offset any tiredness, but that's just silly, right?
seattle0500 Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 I would really, really love to have a male's perspective on all this.
Mary3 Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 I think a male would tell you that its only a matter of time sleeping next to a warm body ( yours ) that he would want it to develop further....
Cecelius Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 If a woman I AM interested in wants to stay over to sleep only (and we're not at the g/f stage), I assume I'm either being teased, or she's taking my time for granted. He is not offering pleasant comfort all by itself, without sexual relations first. It doesn't mean he's not interested, it means that he's looking for something important in the relationship and isn't going to jump to false-couple-hood before it happens.
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