Phoenician Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I was an almost normal person ; in actions , desires , and behavior . 10 years back , If I encounter such a question I would have called the person who raised it an idiot . But living with a passive aggressive person since 1998 I have noticed that I am become a passive aggressive person ! I can now and was able to do it to be like her in many occasions : drive someone crazy by saying nothing !just looking . Last argument we had I just looked without answering for more than an hour ! It sucks ! The question here is : Is it Conatagious ???
MidwestUSA Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 In the strict sense of the word, no. Sounds like you're mirroring each other, or it's a learned behavior. 3
Author Phoenician Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 and where the victim behavior is seen ?!
dreamingoftigers Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) [G]ood for you for recognizing an unhealthy communication pattern that you would like to see changed. Most people with PA tendencies don't recognize it, and it is "normal" for them. My mother-in-law took a foster-child eligibility test and was shared with everyone how it came back as "passive- aggressive" in its assessment of her. She thought that actually meant something really good. Like she was passive (amicable) until she was "pushed too far" and then she was aggressive "protective." She was NOT pleased to find out what that actually meant. Buy I would say it fits to a T with her. No question. Her and my father are the most PA people I have ever encountered. It can be very hard dealing with PA behaviour. It is designed to knock the other person off-balance. Whomever "started it" might be receiving the response back as a way for the other person to try to reassert themselves. BOTH of my parents use PA behaviour to communicate.I would HONESTLY, from the bottom of my heart say that they both had it going into the relationship and both trigger it in each other. Both of their families have it too. Sometimes I notice it in myself on here. But for the most part growing up as a kid I used to wonder why my Dad couldn't just say what he wanted. Why was he so dramatic and tantrummy if everyone didn't read his mind? Why would he just start slamming cupboards and breaking dishes because we "got it wrong?" And why would Mom egg him on after some slammed cupboards and dishes? Ironically, both parents taught me healthier communication by showing me how inefficient and immature PA behaviour was. I didn't have a lot of patience accepting it from my husband either. In fact, he went to a communication course and did so well fixing that up, so impressive! I am actually really proud of him for that. I know the journey myself so that helped me know the disconnect he would be going through. I guess my overall point is: it would be really hard to figure if you picked it up from wife or FOO unless you were very aware of it from the start. But more importantly, if you are behaving PA-style, is assigning her the "taint" on the relationship more important than halting the behaviour? PA behaviour is also about trying to shift responsibility and actions to the external parties around us. Wouldn't blaming her for your own PA behaviour in a big way be validating it further? Since you see PA traits coming out in yourself the best course for you and your children is to be a beacon if assertiveness. Don't let that crap into your inner sphere and control you. And don't let it become a tool you use with your wife, because it only perpetuates the cycle. It can be hard not to backslide. But of you read some about healthy communication everyday it becomes far more natural and easier as time goes on. It improves things for everyone. And validates things for everyone too. At first things might be rockier with your wife, but because you are the Captain of your own ship, it gives you the confidence and internal fortitude to keep going. Edited February 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted post redacted. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) and where the victim behavior is seen ?! [] BPD is not contagious. Perhaps reading a book like "Sometimes I Act Crazy" would give you many support ideas. Many spouses are quick to complain about their spouse but often arent keen to gather resources on how to deal with their spouse's mental illness, if that actually IS the case with their spouse. My husband has ADHD. I've read a mini-library about it. And good thing too, because daughter (turns out) has it as well, and I have a son on the way. Edited February 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Reference without attribution/topical content retained 1
Redhead14 Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 I was an almost normal person ; in actions , desires , and behavior . 10 years back , If I encounter such a question I would have called the person who raised it an idiot . But living with a passive aggressive person since 1998 I have noticed that I am become a passive aggressive person ! I can now and was able to do it to be like her in many occasions : drive someone crazy by saying nothing !just looking . Last argument we had I just looked without answering for more than an hour ! It sucks ! The question here is : Is it Conatagious ??? BPD is not contagious. It is not a virus or infection. It is a mental/emotional disorder. Sometimes, however, angry outbursts, for instance, are responded to in a like manner and an observer may see a similarity in the parties and make that association. Passive-aggressiveness is a learned/adoptable and immature behavior. Passive-aggressiveness in a relationship is often mirrored especially if both parties are struggling mentally and emotionally. A partner who employs passive-aggressiveness on a regular basis, is emotionally immature. Everyone does this kind of thing once in a while, but if it is the primary response to conflict or dissatisfaction about something, it's a problem.
mikeylo Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Not contagious but you are inherently mirroring her. Its a learned behavior. Its almost impossible to remain sane while living with a PA person. Its a crazy making behavior. Intensive therapy also seldom helps. The only option is to leave. You can learn some techniques by going therapy for yourself but it will not change much except, it will give you strength to break away for good.
carhill Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Disordered behaviors can, if not processed properly, condition consistently exposed people into behaviors they might not otherwise naturally exhibit. I used to call it 'crazy making', but I was dealing with someone who saw things that weren't there and formed delusions about them. Depending on whether I was god or the devil that day, reactions varied It was a caregiving situation, not something I could exit. I highly recommend exit if possible. Life is brief.
Emilia Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 It's about boundaries. It's natural that over time you let your guard down and allow certain traits and behaviour to get in. This is why selecting for traits within the first couple of years is important with the view that you reject dysfunctional dynamic.
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