had a thing with guy at work - now dealing with the aftermath

February 25, 2016

OK, I know what people say about not eating where you're ****ting, but I don't go out that much and this guy at work seemed interested so I thought why not.

Well, things started out well at first, but for reasons still unbeknownst to me he suddenly wanted out. Technically we were never in a relationship, but our little thing lasted long enough that I'm feeling more pain than I should be over a non-relationship.

Anyway, I'm still in the process of getting over him and I'm having problems. For one thing, I don't know how to act around him. At first I tried to treat him like I would any other person--friendly but not overly so--but it just hurt too much when he responded in kind, like we never had anything special between us. So then I started avoiding him, which meant changing my routine and feeling especially awkward when our paths, despite my best efforts, do cross.

Second issue is jealousy. There's this new girl at work he's chummy with, and even after I've decided he's not the right person of me anyway I get this pang of jealousy whenever I see them together. For all I know he may not even be interested in her (or vice versa), but I keep imagining them... together, and I get overwhelmed with these feelings that I think are more than just jealousy.

I think it's hard because I keep having flashbacks of the good times, and a little part of me thinks I can somehow regain his interest and make everything the way it used to be. I know I'll forget about him eventually, I guess I just want to know if there's anything I can do to speed up the process bearing in mind that five days a week I don't have the option to avoid seeing him 100% of the time.

February 25, 2016

quit or transfer. the work situation will rarely improve b/c every time you see him you will get flooded with emotions. being around the person daily never allows you a chance to heal. when you don't work with the ex you have time apart to regroup; when they are in your face every day... moving on is hopeless. 99.9% of the time someone has to quit or transfer. i've been there... many of us have.

February 25, 2016

It's all up to you exercising self-discipline. You should be too busy working to be focusing on him, number one. You should be only professional and polite and nothing more, nothing less. You should face reality that this was him banging a girl at work and get over thinking if you're around him long enough he'll turn from a frog into a prince. And it goes without saying you should go out with friends or by yourself and create a fun life for yourself to put this losing situation into perspective so it's not taking up as much head space. Use self-discipline. It's what your brain is there for. Not everything has to feel organic. Good luck.

February 25, 2016

In my experience, the short lived relationships were the most painful to me. I couldn't grasp it at first, but it became clear eventually.

When long term relationships go south, a majority of the time there's logic in it. The relationship has history. You know every in and out of your partner. You experience all the bad times too. You exhaust every avenue with all the time spent, and in the end, while painful, you can understand that the relationship ran it's course and there was nothing left. The damage was done.

When short term relationships end, you're left gutted because there were no bad times. You were in a constant high of being in a new romance. There was no damage and your memories of your time together are all warm and blissful. It can be truly excruciating being left in the dust like that. You struggle for answers and you always wonder "what if?". I've been there.

Unfortunately for you, working with him is going to keep you trapped in this cage. I know it isn't easy, but I would try to get a new job if you can. Start over fresh.

No matter what road you choose, I hope you find peace and happiness. Good luck.

February 25, 2016

Agree with others. You're going to have to find another job.

If you don't, you're going to be stuck in limbo, hoping he changes his mind and jealous of every new woman who he might befriend, even though things have ended with you.

February 25, 2016

I've made the work mistake so many times, but it's easy. You're surrounded by people and there's always going to be some level of interest and/or flirting. Besides, work is work, sometimes you need a distraction and what better than a handsome male or attractive female. The horrifying conclusion however is that fact of having to see them every single day when it all goes south. There's no quick fix (I've tried that) and no amount of shopping elsewhere will take your mind off them (tried that too). For me it only helped when I went to work in a different part of the building, totally away from them.

February 25, 2016

Estimates vary - 20-50%, but meeting a life partner at work is pretty common.

February 25, 2016

Till the time you get a new job, switch your mind into thinking that things will go south with them as well, soon enough. Might help you calm till such time.

February 25, 2016

I'm not sure where you live, but in my neck of the woods, you can't just walk in, quit today, and still pay your bills. Not to mention quitting a job every time something uncomfortable happens is just.....childish.

I liked another poster's advice about self-discipline. It will sting for a time, and then it will pass. Consider it a bump in the road, not the end of the world.

February 25, 2016

I'm not sure where you live, but in my neck of the woods, you can't just walk in, quit today, and still pay your bills. Not to mention quitting a job every time something uncomfortable happens is just.....childish.

I liked another poster's advice about self-discipline. It will sting for a time, and then it will pass. Consider it a bump in the road, not the end of the world.

You call it childish, I call it doing what's best for you. Breakups can be really hard. I couldn't imagine going through it where I had to work with the person. That's a hell trap, and it's only going to delay the healing. I'm not saying she should quit or that she couldn't learn to be ok with it, but that's a hell of a mountain to climb.

February 25, 2016

Sorry you're going through this OP. I'm dealing with an office crush myself. It's tough. Never again for sure.

I guess keep trying to avoid the person and staying away from them.

My crush is only a few cubicles away. I use earmuffs to not hear her. Or listen to music--but I can't do that the whole day.

Avoid when she'll go on breaks. Go different routes. Don't try to "run into her".

Then, I'll have days where I want to run into her, and interact with her. Only to be disappointed again.

So now I'm back to trying to avoid her and staying away from her again.

She'll eventually leave in a several months, so that's the upside.

February 25, 2016

OK, I know what people say about not eating where you're ****ting, but I don't go out that much and this guy at work seemed interested so I thought why not.

Well, things started out well at first, but for reasons still unbeknownst to me he suddenly wanted out. Technically we were never in a relationship, but our little thing lasted long enough that I'm feeling more pain than I should be over a non-relationship.

Anyway, I'm still in the process of getting over him and I'm having problems. For one thing, I don't know how to act around him. At first I tried to treat him like I would any other person--friendly but not overly so--but it just hurt too much when he responded in kind, like we never had anything special between us. So then I started avoiding him, which meant changing my routine and feeling especially awkward when our paths, despite my best efforts, do cross.

Second issue is jealousy. There's this new girl at work he's chummy with, and even after I've decided he's not the right person of me anyway I get this pang of jealousy whenever I see them together. For all I know he may not even be interested in her (or vice versa), but I keep imagining them... together, and I get overwhelmed with these feelings that I think are more than just jealousy.

I think it's hard because I keep having flashbacks of the good times, and a little part of me thinks I can somehow regain his interest and make everything the way it used to be. I know I'll forget about him eventually, I guess I just want to know if there's anything I can do to speed up the process bearing in mind that five days a week I don't have the option to avoid seeing him 100% of the time.

but I don't go out that much and this guy at work seemed interested so I thought why not. - Now you are seeing the "why not" of sh**ting where you eat . . .

You just need to suck it up. Maintain professionalism. Don't avoid him. Be polite and business-like at all times.

February 25, 2016

Estimates vary - 20-50%, but meeting a life partner at work is pretty common.

and how many of them still work together? you might initially meet someone at work, but then one partner (usually the woman) almost always needs to quit or transfer out. whether a workplace romance works out or not, the end result is that someone has to go.

February 25, 2016

I'm not sure where you live, but in my neck of the woods, you can't just walk in, quit today, and still pay your bills. Not to mention quitting a job every time something uncomfortable happens is just.....childish.

I liked another poster's advice about self-discipline. It will sting for a time, and then it will pass. Consider it a bump in the road, not the end of the world.

This is exactly why people do not get involved with other co-workers.

Do something to show you've moved on.

Smiling at texts you've received.

Flirt with other co-workers [yuck].

Send yourself flowers. "awww he's soo sweet, he sent me flowers!".

February 25, 2016

Technically we were never in a relationship,

This is not the tragic story of a long relationship and shattered hearts. This is a man and woman who thought their might be something, he decided after a very short time there wasn't, and it hurts.

This is NOT something a well-adjusted adult quits a good job over.

OP, I have been in your shoes, and it stinks. But it only stinks for awhile unless we let it consume us.

February 25, 2016

I wish more women wouldn't subject themselves to this type of "we're dating, but we're not in a relationship" bs.

I've done it too - the guy said to me, "I could never see myself loving you" and I left immediately and never looked back. Best thing I ever did for myself - I upgraded big time after that.

February 25, 2016

It's not so much a woman thing as it is a generation/personality type thing. This....they smiled at me and we sat together at lunch so they either owe me a date, a formal rejection, or an apology.

Women tend to emote and express and cry. Men tend to internalize and hate women.

February 25, 2016

This is not the tragic story of a long relationship and shattered hearts. This is a man and woman who thought their might be something, he decided after a very short time there wasn't, and it hurts.

This is NOT something a well-adjusted adult quits a good job over.

OP, I have been in your shoes, and it stinks. But it only stinks for awhile unless we let it consume us.

Yeah, you don't give up a BIG thing like your job over a "little thing" you had with a guy.

Adopt the "this too shall pass" attitude and keep moving.

February 26, 2016

Keep all conversation work-related and minimize contact, otherwise you will relive the sting of rejection again and again every time he talks to you and it's just about work.

If you can't quit or transfer, you're going to have to keep your head up and let it all out when you're off the clock.

Or get really good at the quick ninja-cry in the bathroom... (I've been there.)

It will eventually pass. Do all that good breakup stuff that you need to do, fill your free time with something you love and be good to yourself. One day, you'll feel better, and you'll have the added bonus of looking back and knowing that you had the strength to still be up to something good despite the pain. That's really empowering.

February 26, 2016

In my experience, the short lived relationships were the most painful to me. I couldn't grasp it at first, but it became clear eventually.

When long term relationships go south, a majority of the time there's logic in it. The relationship has history. You know every in and out of your partner. You experience all the bad times too. You exhaust every avenue with all the time spent, and in the end, while painful, you can understand that the relationship ran it's course and there was nothing left. The damage was done.

When short term relationships end, you're left gutted because there were no bad times. You were in a constant high of being in a new romance. There was no damage and your memories of your time together are all warm and blissful. It can be truly excruciating being left in the dust like that. You struggle for answers and you always wonder "what if?". I've been there.

Unfortunately for you, working with him is going to keep you trapped in this cage. I know it isn't easy, but I would try to get a new job if you can. Start over fresh.

No matter what road you choose, I hope you find peace and happiness. Good luck.

Thank you for this post, I don't have that much experience with guys and it really helps knowing relationships still count as relationships even if they're only short term. I think I would've felt less pathetic if I could at least refer to him as an ex, but as it is he was never a boyfriend and I don't want to pretend that he ever was.

I've wanted to quit my job for some time for a different reason, but there are other reasons I can't quit at the moment.

Thank you others who've shared your experience. It helps knowing what I went through is a fairly common occurrence and not the result of me being me.

February 26, 2016

It's not so much a woman thing as it is a generation/personality type thing. This....they smiled at me and we sat together at lunch so they either owe me a date, a formal rejection, or an apology.

Women tend to emote and express and cry. Men tend to internalize and hate women.

Agreed 100%

February 26, 2016

I have a somewhat unique perspective on this because I'm an idiot when it comes to workplace romances. I work with just over 20 people and my colleagues make up my first love, the first guy I had sex with and my first boyfriend. All different people. Very, very stupid. But I very rarely feel a connection with people so, when I did with people I worked with, I wanted to see where it went because the possibility of love felt like too much to give up because I work with them. So don't beat yourself up, it's a common mistake.

My first love is very similar to your scenario. We spent a ridiculous amount of time together in work (one on one) and fell for each other. We used to hook up on nights out. He said the L word to me. In the end, he didn't want to mix business and pleasure. So I spent years (yep, that's right) longing for something I couldn't have and not being able to get past it because he was right there. So I quit. Work was hard anyway and I needed to get away from him. But that didn't work and my new job was worse. I ended up going back to my old job after 5 months. My career meant more. Slowly, I got over him and it was OK. Until I found out he was seeing my direct replacement. It wasn't that we worked together. It was me that he didn't want. I see them all the time together, living together, happy. And I'm jealous. Not because I want to be with him. Good God no, the way he treats people is appalling. But because two such unpleasant people are happy together and I am alone.

I thought it couldn't get worse. And it did. I started seeing someone in a different department (unfortunately the first guys housemate!). And we fell in love. Talked moving in, kids, everything. And I was happy. Then we split up. And I have to see him all the time. Again have something I want so close but out of my reach. I have everyone at work saying how great we were and we should work it out (they knew about this one). And now I see him flirting with another colleague.

That's not even all of it but my past love life is a litter of bad decisions and pathetic loves. What I'm saying is, it can be worse. Much worse. But I've survived. I'm surviving. And you can too. You have to be strong. The gym worked for me to work off all the frustration and longing. Leaving your job isn't a bad move. But moving has to be for the right reason. Don't sacrifice your career because of this. Think about it objectively. If you do leave, leaving him behind will only be a happy by-product. I like my job, there's lots of possibilities here for me. Despite what personal crap I have to go through, I'm staying put for now.

If you need any support, I can give you years of experience worth haha!

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had a thing with guy at work - now dealing with the aftermath

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