Why do you love your partner

[yxalitis]

I spoke about my younger gf a while ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/566465-dating-much-younger-girl

 

One that that got me was when I asked her WHY she loved this guy, she actually said:

 

"Nothing really, he talks too much, not good looking, too big" (That's almost word for word what she said)

 

Now that she has dropped me for him totally, I asked again...she just said that she can't explain why, she just...does.

 

The only positive she could come up with was that he was funny.

 

So, do you think, that when asked to identify WHY you love someone, you should be able to identify the qualities about them that you love.

 

Smart, funny, witty, strong, independent, loyal, etc etc...

 

Or is it OK to have no clue WHY...just accept love is love and go with it.

 

Looking back at my past, I can tell you that when I couldn't identify WHY I felt love, that relationship failed.

 

With one ex, my love was actually sexual infatuation, we had NOTHING else in common, so when asked I would have had to say: her body, her passion, her sex drive.

 

I still did love her though, it still hurt like the damn when I left her...but I can't imagine how my feelings would have lasted given the lack of any deeper, non-sexual connection.

 

With this younger girl, I can clearly identify why I love her, and it isn't' summed up by words that describe her looks or sex.

 

So, what do you guys think?

[joseb]

If I am in a relationship with someone I like (never mind love) I am able to list a number of things about them I really like immediately, without having to think about it at all.

 

If someone can't think of a single reason, then I think they are not in love,

they are just habituated to a situation for whatever reason.

[blackcat777]

It sounds like the younger girl is just a little more surface-oriented, rather than deeply self-reflecting and analytical (there are pros and cons to both).

 

If I had to say why I loved my boyfriend... it's because I'm enchanted with his soul. Love is a feeling. It's a feeling I get in my stomach when he walks into the room.

 

Of course, I have lots of REASONS, too, in addition to my feeling. He's a deeply loyal person, clever, hilarious, determined. We're on the same page about everything important.

 

When I did OLD, however, the problem was that I met great people who were a laundry list of wonderful things, except, that feeling was mysteriously absent.

 

So love is a combination of reasons AND unspeakable feelings.

 

I can't explain why the hypothetical thought of someone else having my boyfriend's kids makes me want to fall to my knees and die. No one has ever made me feel that way before. Love has strong irrational components.

 

If people could easily summarize love, I don't think there would be a collective wealth of artwork spanning centuries devoted to the topic.

 

But I do really think (from reading everything you've posted) that this girl might not be that deep... and she sounds a bit flighty, which I suspect is more of the issue, rather than the mysteries of the essence of love.

[yxalitis]

It sounds like the younger girl is just a little more surface-oriented, rather than deeply self-reflecting and analytical (there are pros and cons to both).

 

If I had to say why I loved my boyfriend... it's because I'm enchanted with his soul. Love is a feeling. It's a feeling I get in my stomach when he walks into the room.

 

Of course, I have lots of REASONS, too, in addition to my feeling. He's a deeply loyal person, clever, hilarious, determined. We're on the same page about everything important.

 

When I did OLD, however, the problem was that I met great people who were a laundry list of wonderful things, except, that feeling was mysteriously absent.

 

So love is a combination of reasons AND unspeakable feelings.

 

I can't explain why the hypothetical thought of someone else having my boyfriend's kids makes me want to fall to my knees and die. No one has ever made me feel that way before. Love has strong irrational components.

 

If people could easily summarize love, I don't think there would be a collective wealth of artwork spanning centuries devoted to the topic.

 

But I do really think (from reading everything you've posted) that this girl might not be that deep... and she sounds a bit flighty, which I suspect is more of the issue, rather than the mysteries of the essence of love.

Thank you for actually reading my posts...!

Yes, she's very confused as to what she wants, but thinks that as long as she at least tries with this guy, she's doing the right thing.

 

I can add here that he dumped her after she revealed her affair with me, but 2 days later she texted him saying that they have "one chance" to fix things, if he still comes to Vietnam and they can talk...

 

I told her the very act of him coming signifies that he is now in charge, he will make demands that she will acquiesce to.

 

I also stated that if he so easily and instantly forgives her infidelity, and in fact has sex with her, tells me that he is focused on the sexual aspects of their relationship.

 

If he truly loved her, he would be so hurt that he wouldn't instantly forgive her, he would need time, and space.

 

Of course she ignored all this.

[Just a Guy]

Black cat, I think you put it across beautifully. Fact is we are spiritual beings at our core and I should think we have to connect at a deep spiritual level if we are to have a lasting and meaningful relationship. Our connection probably develops psychically. If everything else is in place as Blackcat said but that essential ingredient was missing then it just doesn't work out. So I think the reason would primarily be 'Do you connect with your SO at a spiritual level or not'? If you don't then the relationship won't last. Hope this helps.

[yxalitis]

yeah, well, i told her I didn't want to hear from her or see her for "a while" and blocked her.

 

C'est la vie

[serial muse]

Thank you for actually reading my posts...!

Yes, she's very confused as to what she wants, but thinks that as long as she at least tries with this guy, she's doing the right thing.

 

I can add here that he dumped her after she revealed her affair with me, but 2 days later she texted him saying that they have "one chance" to fix things, if he still comes to Vietnam and they can talk...

 

I told her the very act of him coming signifies that he is now in charge, he will make demands that she will acquiesce to.

 

I also stated that if he so easily and instantly forgives her infidelity, and in fact has sex with her, tells me that he is focused on the sexual aspects of their relationship.

 

If he truly loved her, he would be so hurt that he wouldn't instantly forgive her, he would need time, and space.

 

Of course she ignored all this.

 

Well, that doesn't really make sense to me. If he accepts her infidelity and wants her back anyway, and even travels to Vietnam to talk about it with her, that strongly suggests that she's in charge (where I think she has probably been all along)! And generally people would say, I think, that forgiving infidelity indicates that it's not all about sex.

 

I suspect that the "controlling" stuff was really more desperation on his part, because he knows she's a cheater and is frantic to keep her interested in him. He knows he doesn't have any power here. It may not be love but it's not just sex, either. She is very good at this.

 

OP, I read your whole other thread, even though I didn't comment there. That entire story suggests to me that she's not being controlled, not one bit. Anyone who was really afraid of her BF would not have you there while she skyped with him, would not hint about "big secrets" and would certainly not have confessed an affair, particularly given that she doesn't want to break up with him. She could easily have done so, if she wanted. I think you're focusing a lot on him as the "bad guy" here, but he sure doesn't seem to be the one calling the shots. All your warnings to her are what she wants from you: She is very good at damsel in distress, and she's got you pegged as a rescuer. You said yourself she's a smart cookie. Believe it. Take this opportunity to cut her out of your life.

Edited February 26, 2016 by serial muse

[Qboro90]

Since I'm familiar with your other thread I wish I could say that this wasn't what people were trying to caution you on as far as investing to many emotions in this girl.

 

As far as your question about describing what you love about someone. I think you need to realize that you are NEVER going to get an honest answer from this girl because it's such an awkward and uncomfortable thing to talk about specifically with you.

She's never going to give you an answer that's so meaningful and powerful explaining why, that makes you go "oh.. Well that makes sense, seems like you care a lot about him, I'll fade away now and be happy for you". That's just not logical. She is forced to give you an answer that will keep you holding onto hope that things will end because there's nothing there. So while you think she doesn't have any reason to be with him. She is purposely telling you negative or non inspiring things as an answer because that's exactly what keeps you on the hook.

 

You're at home now weighing "well going by what she told me and what I've seen, there's no way that they last... So maybe there's a chance if I just hold out and stay somewhat in touch with her, that she'll realize what we had is so much more than what they do" .

 

The fact that you're asking this question on here is literal proof of that. Am I wrong?

You've never seen them together. You've never seen their intimate moments or seen them at their best. That's just fact. You've seen and heard a biased view of what a lonely, unhappy, unfaithful girl wants you to see. A stranger might seen them on the street and think "wow, those two are so in love". You have no way of knowing and never will.

 

What you also need to think about is how... Despite all your assurances that you weren't invested long term and were guarding yourself against this exact situation and decision of hers...you fell into the trap of falling for her.

And at your age, maturity and experience... How can you legitimately think that you're in love with this girl? How long have you known her? Total?... What... 4 weeks?

You don't fall in love with someone in 4 weeks. You don't even know someone in 4 weeks. Just like you don't know this girl. You know the best of what she's shown you which was built on a sexual relationship. You've also acted as her personal therapist and venting partner as she goes through this situation with her fiancé. At a certain point you have to stop telling yourself and everyone else "you guys just don't understand what we have is special, she's different when she's with me, he's not good for her, etc". And start coming to terms with "****... That was a hell of a lot of fun, but this girl is just too much freaking work and such a headache outside the bedroom and the times of strict one on one time, that I gotta just put her in the rear view mirror forever".

 

Hope you get to the latter ASAP.

[GunslingerRoland]

I can list many things I love about my partner. But can I quantify one single specific thing that is better than any other woman... or even any combination of things?

 

No my feelings for her are bigger than that, they are largely based around the way she makes me feel and the way she makes me a better person.

[joseb]

It sounds like the younger girl is just a little more surface-oriented, rather than deeply self-reflecting and analytical (there are pros and cons to both).

 

If I had to say why I loved my boyfriend... it's because I'm enchanted with his soul. Love is a feeling. It's a feeling I get in my stomach when he walks into the room.

 

Of course, I have lots of REASONS, too, in addition to my feeling. He's a deeply loyal person, clever, hilarious, determined. We're on the same page about everything important.

 

When I did OLD, however, the problem was that I met great people who were a laundry list of wonderful things, except, that feeling was mysteriously absent.

 

So love is a combination of reasons AND unspeakable feelings.

 

I can't explain why the hypothetical thought of someone else having my boyfriend's kids makes me want to fall to my knees and die. No one has ever made me feel that way before. Love has strong irrational components.

 

If people could easily summarize love, I don't think there would be a collective wealth of artwork spanning centuries devoted to the topic.

 

But I do really think (from reading everything you've posted) that this girl might not be that deep... and she sounds a bit flighty, which I suspect is more of the issue, rather than the mysteries of the essence of love.

 

I agree that it's more a feeling than a list of attributes.

That's why I think.online dating doesn't really work.

 

I wouldn't be listing attributes to explain why I loved someone though. It would be more like the way they laugh at things with you, or the way they make you feel when you see them for the first time in a while, or the way they share certain important values and get excited about things that you also do. Or even things they don't do, like they are not workaholics, or impressed by money, they don't spend weekends shopping, etc.

 

I agree in this case, OP, even if the girl could name some things she most likely wouldn't be honest with you.

[yxalitis]

Since I'm familiar with your other thread I wish I could say that this wasn't what people were trying to caution you on as far as investing to many emotions in this girl.

 

As far as your question about describing what you love about someone. I think you need to realize that you are NEVER going to get an honest answer from this girl because it's such an awkward and uncomfortable thing to talk about specifically with you.

She's never going to give you an answer that's so meaningful and powerful explaining why, that makes you go "oh.. Well that makes sense, seems like you care a lot about him, I'll fade away now and be happy for you". That's just not logical. She is forced to give you an answer that will keep you holding onto hope that things will end because there's nothing there. So while you think she doesn't have any reason to be with him. She is purposely telling you negative or non inspiring things as an answer because that's exactly what keeps you on the hook.

 

You're at home now weighing "well going by what she told me and what I've seen, there's no way that they last... So maybe there's a chance if I just hold out and stay somewhat in touch with her, that she'll realize what we had is so much more than what they do" .

 

The fact that you're asking this question on here is literal proof of that. Am I wrong?

You've never seen them together. You've never seen their intimate moments or seen them at their best. That's just fact. You've seen and heard a biased view of what a lonely, unhappy, unfaithful girl wants you to see. A stranger might seen them on the street and think "wow, those two are so in love". You have no way of knowing and never will.

 

What you also need to think about is how... Despite all your assurances that you weren't invested long term and were guarding yourself against this exact situation and decision of hers...you fell into the trap of falling for her.

And at your age, maturity and experience... How can you legitimately think that you're in love with this girl? How long have you known her? Total?... What... 4 weeks?

You don't fall in love with someone in 4 weeks. You don't even know someone in 4 weeks. Just like you don't know this girl. You know the best of what she's shown you which was built on a sexual relationship. You've also acted as her personal therapist and venting partner as she goes through this situation with her fiancé. At a certain point you have to stop telling yourself and everyone else "you guys just don't understand what we have is special, she's different when she's with me, he's not good for her, etc". And start coming to terms with "****... That was a hell of a lot of fun, but this girl is just too much freaking work and such a headache outside the bedroom and the times of strict one on one time, that I gotta just put her in the rear view mirror forever".

 

Hope you get to the latter ASAP.

 

Funny enough, I have reached the same conclusions all by myself, just took me a while to get there.

I am most definitely NOT hanging around keeping on touch waiting for their breakup..I'm already dating, and have met two wonderful woman, 40,and 46.

 

As to whether I loved her...well, I certainly felt a few tears when I decided to wise up and disconnect from her life totally, I disagree you can't fall in love in 4 weeks.

 

However, There was also a strong physical attraction, good sex is always desirable.

 

Anyway, the point is, I've told her not to call or text me, moved on, putting that behind me as exactly what it was, a few weeks of great sex and fun.

 

I'm not regretting what happened, I do think I got more out of it than i lost.

 

Thanks for a heartfelt response!

[heelsluvr]

I have been married for almost 24 years and I think it's a feeling of contentment and peace when your'e around that person....you really don't have to work at the relationship. I mean of course you DO work at it, but it's like perfecting a dance between the two of you :love:

[joseb]

I disagree you can't fall in love in 4 weeks.

 

However, There was also a strong physical attraction, good sex is always desirable.

 

Glad you are seeing this in a positive spin and moving on.

 

You can definitely become infatuated, in lust, besotted, smitten and a lot of other things.

But no, not love, not in 4 weeks.

[mikeylo]

Love in 4 weeks ? Its lust.

 

Love takes time to develop. The emotional connection , the desire to do what you wouldnt do otherwise , care and attachment doesnt happen quickly. If it happens, it crashes as fast.

[yxalitis]

Guess you guys are right, I'm pretty much over her now.

She's still coming to pick her car up, but I won't be here.

[AMJ]

I think love can develop quickly, definitely in 4 weeks. It just depends on the people involved, how open they are with each other, and how well they connect. I can always articulate what I like, dislike and love about a significant other. Sometimes there's a part of being in love that is difficult to put into words. But if someone asked me why I loved my ex, I could write at least a three page explanation.