Dating multiple people

[yxalitis]

OK, I think we all agree that until such time as you find "the one" and both agree to "go steady" (deliberately using a high-school term), dating multiple people at once is simply a better, healthier way to maintain perspective, weigh up the options, be more confident, less needy.

 

But at the same time you don't want to sit there and tell every date that they are one of four options on the go...or whatever.

 

So...do you mention it is some inadvertent, sly way, drop a hint, or do you simply not say anything at all.

 

If the former, how would you subtly let one date know you're dating another.

One girl I dated told me, Oh, it's OK to date another girl I don't mind" as a way of letting me know that she was doing exactly that.

 

Or do you just let the act of dating multiple girls "ooze out" through confidence, being unavailable on key nights, and a general sense of not being needy or desperate.

[Jabron1]

So...do you mention it is some inadvertent, sly way, drop a hint, or do you simply not say anything at all.

 

You say nothing at all. Never bring it up. Talking 'relationships' is not the man's place.

 

If she brings it up, you say 'I'm dating until I meet someone that I click with'. If you are unavailable for whatever reason (perhaps you are seeing someone else), you are simply 'busy'.

 

I will make a thread soon that gives key points for men trying to navigate a ruthless modern dating scene, that simply isn't designed to cater for us - as we often encounter the same problems. The very first of those key points will be to multi-date, and I'll explain more there.

[PegNosePete]

OK, I think we all agree that until such time as you find "the one" and both agree to "go steady" (deliberately using a high-school term), dating multiple people at once is simply a better, healthier way to maintain perspective, weigh up the options, be more confident, less needy.

No, we don't all agree that at all. But you can see the multiple threads on this subject for that debate.

 

If the former, how would you subtly let one date know you're dating another.

Why on earth would you want to do that? What's the point?

 

Or do you just let the act of dating multiple girls "ooze out" through confidence, being unavailable on key nights, and a general sense of not being needy or desperate.

No, that's just low class and player-like. Where are you getting this, a PUA guide?

 

Honesty is the best policy. If you are asked out on saturday night and have another date, say so. But there's no need to throw that information in someone's face if they don't ask. I think if you go around telling women that you're dating others, then you're going to find yourself dating no-one pretty soon-ish.

[Leigh 87]

I think it's good to be honest and bring it up.

 

I don't date muitl daters. I wait for men that are too into me to even consider others.

 

By hiding the fact you're multi dating, you really hurt a woman who is under the illusion that you're only interested in dating her.

 

It's best to bring it up early on. Say the first or second date. A simple " I just want to mention that I prefer to get to know someone well before committing to dating just the one woman "

[PegNosePete]

A simple " I just want to mention that I prefer to get to know someone well before committing to dating just the one woman "

Disagree, with multi-dating so prevalent these days, I think it's your responsibility to bring up that it is unacceptable to you, rather than the other person's responsibility to declare that they are multi-dating.

 

A simple "I just want to mention that I don't like multi-dating so if you're seeing others it's a deal-breaker to me".

[Toodaloo]

OK, I think we all agree that until such time as you find "the one" and both agree to "go steady" (deliberately using a high-school term), dating multiple people at once is simply a better, healthier way to maintain perspective, weigh up the options, be more confident, less needy

 

On the flip side once someone who doesn't want to be an "option" or be treated as "disposable" catches a whiff they dump you like hot cakes.

 

Multi dating gets as confusing as heck.

 

I tried it a while ago, on the suggestion of a guy I was dating, and it just did not work at all for me so I ended up dumping all of them and starting a fresh. Trust me that hurt more than just one at a time.

 

These days I will talk to others while I am still on the first couple of dates. I may have 2 first dates lined up around the same time. But once I get past 2/3 dates I cut right back and cut contact with others. It feels more natural to me. The first dates thing, 99.9% of them are not going past that anyway.

 

When you multi date you see people as disposable. That is the basis and logic behind the concept. Therefore it only makes sense that if you are already viewing them as rubbish to be discarded then what is the point in dating them at all? Why waste your time?

 

The thing is I am looking for that person that is NOT disposable. I WANT to feel love and to love so logic dictates that I have to risk my heart to gain the best. That is my view anyway.

 

Multi dating works for some but I have yet to find them. Most I know who have tried it and who are looking for commitment have found it to be a disaster. Those who are not seeking commitment have found it useful. I suspect this is an indicator of deeper emotional issues.

[elaine567]

A simple "I just want to mention that I don't like multi-dating so if you're seeing others it's a deal-breaker to me".

 

I agree

 

Too many put up with multi-dating as it is deemed "essential", when it goes against who they are, and what they want to see in a partner.

[Shining One]

When you multi date you see people as disposable. That is the basis and logic behind the concept.

I disagree. I multi-date (early on) to increase my chances of finding a match. Woman A is not a match for me. Dating her alone is not going to make her into a match. Woman B is a match. If I had dated Woman A alone, I would have missed my opportunity with Woman B.

 

 

It's just an extension of the "dating is a numbers game" concept. Here's how I found my last relationship:

1. Messaged several hundred women on OLD.
   
2. Received a dozen or so positive responses.
   
3. Communicated with those women, had six first dates.
   
4. Went on three second dates and another first date
   
5. Went on two third dates and a second date.
   
6. Started seeing the woman from the last second date exclusively.
   
7. Started relationship with that woman.
   

[insert_name]

On the flip side once someone who doesn't want to be an "option" or be treated as "disposable" catches a whiff they dump you like hot cakes.

 

Multi dating gets as confusing as heck.

 

I tried it a while ago, on the suggestion of a guy I was dating, and it just did not work at all for me so I ended up dumping all of them and starting a fresh. Trust me that hurt more than just one at a time.

 

These days I will talk to others while I am still on the first couple of dates. I may have 2 first dates lined up around the same time. But once I get past 2/3 dates I cut right back and cut contact with others. It feels more natural to me. The first dates thing, 99.9% of them are not going past that anyway.

 

When you multi date you see people as disposable. That is the basis and logic behind the concept. Therefore it only makes sense that if you are already viewing them as rubbish to be discarded then what is the point in dating them at all? Why waste your time?

 

The thing is I am looking for that person that is NOT disposable. I WANT to feel love and to love so logic dictates that I have to risk my heart to gain the best. That is my view anyway.

 

Multi dating works for some but I have yet to find them. Most I know who have tried it and who are looking for commitment have found it to be a disaster. Those who are not seeking commitment have found it useful. I suspect this is an indicator of deeper emotional issues.

 

This post really depresses me yet it hits the nail on the head, especially the bit about disposability. Sums up my thoughts after falling hard for a girl who was multi-dating. I was looking for a relationship, she told me all the right things until I was hooked and then starts to reveal that she is a commitment-phobe who is dating around. Now after being burned like that I feel like doing the same to others because I am fed up of every girl I fall for being a multi-dater and me being the one who always ends up picking up the pieces.

 

Honestly, multi-dating seems to be so prevalent these days that I don't know how people actually form relationships any more. It seems to be a way for the (mostly) emotionally unavailable to play games with those genuinely looking for a relationship - turning those people into emotionally unavailable multi-daters in the process.

[Toodaloo]

I disagree. I multi-date (early on) to increase my chances of finding a match. Woman A is not a match for me. Dating her alone is not going to make her into a match. Woman B is a match. If I had dated Woman A alone, I would have missed my opportunity with Woman B.

 

 

It's just an extension of the "dating is a numbers game" concept. Here's how I found my last relationship:

1. Messaged several hundred women on OLD.
   
2. Received a dozen or so positive responses.
   
3. Communicated with those women, had six first dates.
   
4. Went on three second dates and another first date
   
5. Went on two third dates and a second date.
   
6. Started seeing the woman from the last second date exclusively.
   
7. Started relationship with that woman.
   

 

To be fair though you were not taking these dates past 2/3 dates...

 

To me "multi daters" are those who go out with several people at the same time past the initial "hello" stages of date 1 and 2... Some sleep with those that they are dating around with... you see where I am going with this?

 

So in my eyes what you did is not multi dating. What you did was get to know a few women and then date the one you liked while "discarding" those that you didn't match so well with.

[hippychick3]

If you're multi-dating, do not tell the girl you had 1-2 dates with that you are. If a guy I went on even one date with told me he was going to continue to date others or he had a date with someone after me, I'd "next" him. What a turnoff.

[PegNosePete]

To me "multi daters" are those who go out with several people at the same time past the initial "hello" stages of date 1 and 2... Some sleep with those that they are dating around with...

Yes agree, to me, multi-dating means going past 6, 7, 10 dates with multiple people simultaneously. In fact often multi-daters try to date multiple people as long as possible until one of them brings up the dreaded "exclusivity talk" which seems so popular these days.

 

I wouldn't count 2-3 dates as multi-dating although personally I've never even been on a 2nd date with multiple women.

[Toodaloo]

Yes agree, to me, multi-dating means going past 6, 7, 10 dates with multiple people simultaneously. In fact often multi-daters try to date multiple people as long as possible until one of them brings up the dreaded "exclusivity talk" which seems so popular these days.

 

I wouldn't count 2-3 dates as multi-dating although personally I've never even been on a 2nd date with multiple women.

 

Exactly.

 

I have had first dates but not past date 2/3.

 

The time I tried it I had been out with a guy 4-5 times. He wanted to multi date so I said fine and started seeing other people. After all we were still in the early stages of getting to know each other even if it had started to move on to more than that. He then got jealous as some of the "other" men were younger/ wealthier than him and the sex also stopped while I was doing that. He wanted to know. He effectively made himself disposable. It was tough on my emptions as I would have been far happier just dating him and no one else. He got all upset because it suddenly dawned on him that if "we" were multi dating it meant that I was doing it as well as him and sadly for him I was more successful in finding more dates. He ended it. I ended it with the others and took a break. Shame but as it is. I was very upset by it all. I suspect he was too. But then I also think he had other issues as well that were yet to come out hence his wanting to multi date.

 

With multi dating you stand to lose far more than you gain in my opinion.

 

As I have said before if you meet someone a couple of times and you are not sure that you want to date them or not then your answer is there already and its a no. With dating you should be excited about seeing the people you date. They should be on your mind and you should be more worried about seeing them and talking to them than who else is on POF or whatever. If it doesn't look or feel like this then you are doing something drastically wrong. So why bother if you are not feeling the enjoyment and excitement of being with that person?

[clia]

I don't see any need to bring it up. I always assumed a guy was multi-dating until we decided to be exclusive.