Itspointless Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 So please do not tell me that a person who is dying should be supporting every other Tom Dick and Harry with their last breaths. Thats just selfish to the extreme. People can search out support else where. It is not a dying persons responsibility to do that. It is and will never be my intention to say something like that. My sincere apologies if it came across that way.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Who says that gnick or I only are/were concerned with our feelings, geez. I can't speak for you, but gnick definitely seems to think it's more about him than her. I get that he wants to see her, but if she doesn't want it, he's gotta respect her wishes let go. She's going through something way the hell more stressful than what he's going through, but he seems to want to impose his will anyway, which is a pattern of behavior for him.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 I'm very sorry for what you're going through, OP. You will never understand what your ex is going through until you've literally been in her shoes. It's impossible to undertand but she is fightning this battle on her own. She may have a support system around her but SHE is the one fighting for her life. A few years ago, my uncle was battling gastric cancer and I witnessed how he treated those around him..supporting him, caring for him, etc. He was always angry, frustrated and pushed (those closest to him) away. He resented himself for burdening others. He also didn't want to have to deal with the emotions of others while trying to fight for his own life. Imagine, you're sick..deathly ill..fighting the hardest battle of your life and you're also having to worry about the feelings of those around you. While your intentions were good when hunting your girlfriend down to see if she was ok...it's added pressure and stress for her. It was confusing for me and my family to understand why my Uncle acted out towards the family who loved him and cared for him...but if you really look at the situation and deeply imagine being in his shoes, you'll start to understand it. Your ex did love you and she probably still cares for you very much. However, when you're weak, in tremendous pain, frightened about what's ahead while battling a terminal disease...it changes your mindset and behavior. Try to understand..it's really about her and not you. She knows you love and care for her. If you truly love her, respect her wishes and give her the space she needs. She doesn't want to have to worry about you worrying and chasing her down when you don't hear from her. 1
Author gnick Posted February 26, 2016 Author Posted February 26, 2016 That was a nice thoughtful reply. I appreciate it
Itspointless Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 I can't speak for you, but gnick definitely seems to think it's more about him than her. I get that he wants to see her, but if she doesn't want it, he's gotta respect her wishes let go. She's going through something way the hell more stressful than what he's going through, but he seems to want to impose his will anyway, which is a pattern of behavior for him. Thanks Simon, yes he has to respect her wishes. I said that in my first posts as well. I also have seen my mother battling her life from my 14th to my 19th. It was hell to see her suffer as we couldn't do a thing about her pain (she had ALS). She always was holding up and playing well when people visited to crash down afterwards. It always made me mad at those people. I think I haven't followed gnick his previous threads about his other girlfriend.
bluefeather Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Im scared to death I might never speak to her again Take that feeling and double it, triple it, quadruple it as her. You're scared to death? Seriously, how can you use that phrase, talking about someone who is actually facing death... When someone has to deal with death, all bets are off. No doubt it will change a person's mindset. They may become a completely different person. I can't even understand the difficulty either of you are going through. Sorry about that. :/ but guy, you gotta be respectful of her wishes, no matter what they are. 3
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 OP, one more thing. My uncle loved his mother (my grandmother) THE MOST. When he was healthy he and my grandma were like 2 peas in a pod. When he got sick, she moved in with my uncle and she would stay up at night with him, staring at him, praying and fussing over him while he was laying awake in agony. She was only doing what a loving mother would do but my uncle HATED it. He hated that she was in pain, worrying, crying, praying for him. It made him feel 100xs worse that he was putting her through that. Near the end, I stepped up and became his advocate and basically made all the decisions including not allowing my grandma to come to the hospital more than one time. He was grateful and relieved for it. She was able to see him the night that he passed but we did not let her be there the rest of the time as he detiorated. He couldn't handle the sadness from his mother. No matter what, the dying wishes of your loved one needs to be respected. Even, if that means sacrificing your one wants and needs. You want to be there for your ex, but if being there for her means making her feel worse...why would you what that? I hope all this advice gives you some insight and peace, OP.
anika99 Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 OP first of all I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Regardless of whatever your history is with other women it doesn't change the fact that you are in a painful situation now and that you are suffering. You have my empathy. I'll tell you my story as briefly as I can. My long term bf died a little over 3 yrs ago. We were together for 10 yrs. About 18 month before he died we were living together and I moved out to my own place because of serious problems we were having but we kept seeing each other. Then he took a job in another city about 3 hrs away and we still kept seeing each other but obviously a lot less often due to the distance. Suddenly he was diagnosed with lung cancer and given only 3-4 weeks left to live. He wanted to me to come out to his city to support him through to the end. I wanted to be with him but my dilemma was that our relationship didn't meet the requirements outlined by my company for time off. He wasn't my husband and since we had separated the year before he wasn't even my common law spouse, nor was he an immediate relative so my manager's initial response was to deny my request for time off, too bad so sad. I kept asking for leave and eventually I had public meltdown which resulted in my employer allowing me two weeks leave without pay. Meanwhile I had been venting to my boyfriend my upset at work not allowing me time off to be with him. When I finally was granted my time off I excitedly texted my bf to let him know and told him I would be out the next morning. He was silent for a while and then texted me that he wasn't sure my coming was such a good idea and it might be best for me to just stay home. My initial response was WTF!! but I didn't reply to his text right away, instead I just sat and thought about why he had this sudden change of heart and it hit me that I had been stressing him with all my drama over getting the time off. I waited a couple of hours and then sent him a text message saying I understood and that I would support him in whatever way he wanted even if it meant staying home and supporting him from a distance. Eventually he texted me back (I should mention that we had to text because he also had tumors on his vocal chords and could no longer speak) saying he would really like me to come but I had to keep my **** together and not add to his stress. He said he felt like he was causing me to risk my job and end up unemployed and he couldn't take that kind of stress right now. I apologized deeply for my thoughtlessness at unburdening myself to him and promised I would only bring positivity with me. I went and spent his last six days of life with him. I had many a meltdown and freak out knowing that this was the end and I would never see him again but never in front of him. When we were together I was 100% about him, my personal feelings didn't come out. I was smiles and hugs and kisses everytime I was in his presence no matter how bad I felt. He told me that was what he needed so that's what I did when what I really wanted to do was just sit and cry nonstop. Just wanted to share that people facing a serious illness or death CANNOT be subjected to drama or pressure. They just can't. They can't be concerned with the pain of others or made to feel responsible for anyone else's feelings. You HAVE to leaver her alone until she feels like she wants to have contact with you and if she never wants contact with you then you HAVE to accept that. Do not send her a card. That is pressure. Leave her alone. Even if she were a perfectly healthy woman you would have no right to keep trying to force contact with her. I do get your pain but you have to respect her right to be left alone. 1
Author gnick Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 She texted me today and we got together for a meeting. She apologized for pushing me away and I did the same for not respecting her space . So im pretty happy . Were We're talking again 1
NoLeafClover Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Why is everyone assuming she's going to die.. Maybe she's seeidng someone else too. There they met..guess shes fine now??. Hot and cold when her other options didn't work out. W.e you do man, proceed with caution something isn't right here.
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