Girlfriend with cancer dumped me

[gnick]

Hello, lm a 52 year old male. My 42year old girl friend dumped me about a month and a half ago. Its more complicated than usual because she has cancer.

We started seeing each other over 2years ago. She was going to school for a medical degree and is due to graduate this spring. We lived together from april to oct in 2014. After which she moved because she qualified for housing from a gov grant . We planned to move back in together after graduation.

 

Shortly after we met she started getting sick. The 1st problem was a heart sac inflammation caused by a copperhead bite which occurred during med research. Shortly after she was diagnosed of breast cancer. Over the last 2years they have operated on her breasts ,full hysterectomy, a tumor at the base of her skull and more. She's been in and out of chemo which she had to stop due to the damage it was causing her heart.

 

About 6minths ago she started getting distant. I seen her less and less. She would blow off dates without any word for days. If she wasnt sick I wouldn't have put up with that for long .I would get frantic because she was sick and I worried like crazy. I would escalate texting and calling untill she finally anwered. This cycle repeated numerous times untill the last one early this year when I got mad and threatened to camp on her lawn untill she came home if she didnt answer . Again I was worried something happened. She was a week out of the hospital when this happened.

 

After this she dumped me . i didnt handle it very well and chased her pretty bad untill she agreed to meet. She basically said her feelings had changed and she didn't want a relationship. We met a week later and she said would think about getting back together but she didn't want me to have to take care of her and see her deteriorate.

 

We had a few.nice messages after that but she started getting distant again and finally stopped responding. Because I was worried I went to her house on a fri to check on her and this 60 year old guy she says is a friend was there. She opened the door and screamed that I wasnt supposed to be there and the guy started telling me not to call or text anymore. That caused a confrontation . No violence but the cops were called and I left.

 

Later she talked to me some and swears this guy is just a friend but it looked like more to me. The last text she said she is having deep emotional and cognitive issues and isnt good for anything or anyone. I told her that I just wanted to be there for her and spend time toether. . She said to find someone else that I cant wait for ger to get well. All the while this supposed friend is around all the time.

 

This girl was absolutely crazy about me and chased me for a long time. We had tremendous sex and so much fun. I gave her thousands of dollars and helped her in countless ways. I loved her and was very good to her.She refused contact right now. I have to move to a different city for a transfer to complicate things. I cant even get her to meet me to say goodbye. I know shes going through alot but I cant help feeling used and betrayed. Any advice

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[BlueIris]

She’s going through something extremely difficult and needs to be very selfish, meet her needs and minimize stress. It sounds as though she might be dying. Her friend might be comforting and helpful to her.

I'm sorry. This is very sad.

Maybe if she recovers one day she'll be able to talk to you about what happened.

[Apparition]

Sorry you are going through this but she is in worse pain than you, trust me. I am sure she did love you but when you get diagnosed with something so scary your life changes and most importantly YOU change -- the way you view the world, people, your environment changes. You do not know what she was discussing with this 60 year old guy, for all you know she could have been needing a friend to talk about her problems. No one can tell you how she truly feels except for her. Maybe she feels like she is no longer good enough for you because she is unwell and wants you to live a happy life with someone more healthier -- a thing she is unsure she can give you. However, I don't know, but it is no use in jumping to conclusions when you don't know the full story behind her actions.

 

As far as you are concerned, her actions and words prove she wants space from you. So then allow her space. Don't be selfish, let her have some time to deal with her illness and perhaps she will get in touch with you. BUT GIVE HER SPACE. DON'T CONTACT HER. When someone is going through such a terrible thing the last thing they want to be around is someone who is depressed, worried and unhappy. So focus on yourself for IF and that is a big IF....she gets in touch. She knows where you are if she wants to find you, if she needs you, she will tell you. Just stay off her radar for a while.

 

Sorry you are hurting but right now you need to deal with your own problems and let her deal with hers.

[gnick]

I know I do but damn its hard .shes from ohio and doesn't know many people here and none that I know shes in contact with so theres no one to ask how shes doing. She had a sister die of cancer

[amaysngrace]

She may be dying and wants supportive loving people around her now. I'm sorry but maybe she doesn't view you that way.

[gnick]

I know but aftet all the money I spent and I mean alot as well as other things you think she would open her etes and appreciate me a bit then reach out to me. If she does die I think.its not right she doesnt want me with her

[amaysngrace]

Is this about money? That's the second time you brought it up.

[gnick]

I dont know. I kept her afloat and going to school untill she could get her scholarship and shirtly after I was dumped. Hard not to feel used just a bit but I understand I have to keep in mind the situation

[amaysngrace]

I dont know. I kept her afloat and going to school untill she could get her scholarship and shirtly after I was dumped. Hard not to feel used just a bit but I understand I have to keep in mind the situation

 

If she is terminal then you can be proud of how you helped her try to reach her dreams. If I were you I'd send her thinking of you flowers or a card from time to time.

 

But don't pester her too much. She has a lot on her plate already.

 

I'm sorry for your situation.

[kasop]

Money or no money.. cancer or no cancer.. she dumped you.. it hurts i understand. You have all kinds of emotions coursing through you.. but you to feel your emotions not act on them.. she has allready had the cops called on you once. Back off. Please.

[angel.eyes]

There is so much wrong with your behavior that I highly doubt it's about the money for her. You seem pretty needy and demanding. Besides which you seem to be insinuating she's seeing someone else. So throw in jealousy and insecurity into the mix. It's all about you, what you've done, and what you need. When someone is dealing with a life-threatening illness, and is feeling debilitated by multiple surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation, they really don't have the bandwidth to deal with all the drama you're trying to bring into the picture.

 

Stop threatening to camp out on her lawn and please don't show up at her place uninvited again. She clearly didn't want to interact with you. Respect that...or deal with restraining orders and the police. Honestly, if you loved her as much as you claim, you would respect her boundaries and her wishes to be left alone instead of causing scenes at her house and demanding you get your way, until the police have to get involved.

 

As for the money, were those loans? A bride price? Some other explicit contractual obligation? If not they were gifts. Gifts don't come with a list of requirements, strings, and obligations--e.g. you have to date me for xyz time period. She doesn't have to continue to date you just because you wish to continue doing so.

 

I'm sure the breakup is tough for you. But remember, she's dealing with a breakup and facing her mortality. Let her have some peace!

[gnick]

I dont disagree with you but this all seemed to come out of nowhere. I thought it was all about being sick. A month before this started she constantly was telling me how I was allways welcome there and could.move back.in anytime. Yes I was needy. I spent all this time going through this with her. I loved her. Maybe I was to pushy trying to.spend more time with her

[angel.eyes]

The fact that you were welcome a month ago doesn't justify you threatening to camp out on her lawn after she breaks up with you. It doesn't justify you showing up on her doorstep against her wishes and not leaving until the police get involved. It doesn't justify you harassing her with tons of messages when it's crystal clear she doesn't want to interact with you anymore.

 

It's disappointing when someone breaks up with us, but that never justifies psychopants behavior. If there was ever a sliver of hope that she might change her mind, you pretty much killed it with your behavior.

[gnick]

I was going to see if she wanted to meet one last time before I leave here for the new job. We were actually supposed to meet 2weeks ago but with over a month of not sleeping and all the anxiety I screwed the time up. I apologized and admitted it was my fault but she hasnt offered another time.

[angel.eyes]

What are you hoping to accomplish by meeting one last time? What is the purpose of this meeting?

[gnick]

Discuss what happened and see if we could come to some resolution where we are atleast friends

[gnick]

Her last text to me came after I apologized for my behaviour. I offered to refuse the job and stay with her in whatever capacity she wanted. She said she was no good for anybody or anything and she was having cognitive and mental issues probably from the chemo . She then said I needed to go and find another woman because I cant wait on her to get well. I told her I thought she was the best thing in the world and I wanted to stay. Her last response was "I said no . No more conversation"

[angel.eyes]

Her last response was "I said no . No more conversation"

 

Why won't you respect her wishes?

 

There's nothing left to salvage. Starting in a new city is probably the best thing for you now. Good luck at your new job!

[Simon Phoenix]

Discuss what happened and see if we could come to some resolution where we are atleast friends

 

Dude, you're repeating history with this stuff. Also, were you dating this woman when you were trying desperately to get in contact with your previous ex?

[gnick]

I dont agree. I.need to give her time and change my attitude but I have to think theres a chance to reconcile in the future

[angel.eyes]

Same behavior and thinking as the last breakup. How did the psycho chasing and stalking work out then?

 

Please get a grip and leave your exes alone.

[gnick]

This is a complete different situation. Thanks for the responses

[Simon Phoenix]

This is a complete different situation. Thanks for the responses

 

You're acting very similarly though, which isn't a good thing.

[gnick]

I haven't contacted her in a week we were friends a long time before all this. She is an awesome special girl and I would give anything to see her well

[angel.eyes]

You destroyed the friendship with your behavior, and she is quite clear that she wants absolutely nothing to do with you anymore.

 

In some ways, it's a good thing this most recent ex involved the police because obviously you don't get it. It's only about what you want in your mind.