Polar965 Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I am a couple weeks out with NC after ending relationship with boyfriend. For whatever reason, I am not feeling strong. I'm questioning my reasoning, I'm feeling lonely, I'm having nostalgia. The thing is; I've been down this road before and I know that exBF and I were on an endless circle of make up/break up and were just not compatible, despite underlying feelings of love. I have made a list (harsh sounding, I know) of my pet peeves and larger reasons I broke it off. I'm trying to strengthen my resolve by reminding myself WHY I am doing this. Please feel free to join me if it is helpful to you to keep NC. 1) I am relieved to not cook him dinner all of the time. 2) I was sick of his need for attention from other women. 3) His holy attitude was tiresome. 4) He was unreliable with plans. 5) He never went to the doctor or dentist. 6) He did this weird thing where he always had to be clever with rhyming words and word play. 7) Everyone in the world needed a therapist but him. 8) He never gave gifts, brought flowers did traditional acts of generosity while a couple. 9) He had a very low libido. 10) He was shifty with money. AHHHHHH. I feel better. Now I remember. 5
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Post that list on your bathroom mirror and on your fridge to remind you daily and keep plugging away Good luck! 3
Author Polar965 Posted February 24, 2016 Author Posted February 24, 2016 Post that list on your bathroom mirror and on your fridge to remind you daily and keep plugging away Good luck! Thank you, I plan to do so. I don't know why I get to this point and feel like I'm going to cave. Always the same result though. Oh! Thought of another...he thinks wearing stupid hats is funny when it is really just embarrassing. 1
MaryJaneDoe Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I am a couple weeks out with NC after ending relationship with boyfriend. For whatever reason, I am not feeling strong. I'm questioning my reasoning, I'm feeling lonely, I'm having nostalgia. The thing is; I've been down this road before and I know that exBF and I were on an endless circle of make up/break up and were just not compatible, despite underlying feelings of love. I have made a list (harsh sounding, I know) of my pet peeves and larger reasons I broke it off. I'm trying to strengthen my resolve by reminding myself WHY I am doing this. Please feel free to join me if it is helpful to you to keep NC. 1) I am relieved to not cook him dinner all of the time. 2) I was sick of his need for attention from other women. 3) His holy attitude was tiresome. 4) He was unreliable with plans. 5) He never went to the doctor or dentist. 6) He did this weird thing where he always had to be clever with rhyming words and word play. 7) Everyone in the world needed a therapist but him. 8) He never gave gifts, brought flowers did traditional acts of generosity while a couple. 9) He had a very low libido. 10) He was shifty with money. AHHHHHH. I feel better. Now I remember. Here is my list, 1)I am also sick of cooking him dinner 2)He never listened when I would ask for the same traditional things, like a flower or a card out of the blue 3)His thought process- that he was always right, and I mean always 4)Taking care of his daughter too 5)Letting me feel under appreciated when I was awesome 2
Author Polar965 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 Here is my list, 1)I am also sick of cooking him dinner 2)He never listened when I would ask for the same traditional things, like a flower or a card out of the blue 3)His thought process- that he was always right, and I mean always 4)Taking care of his daughter too 5)Letting me feel under appreciated when I was awesome Good Job Mary Jane...cathartic, right? Let me add another thing I do not miss: His snoring. I also got the under appreciated feeling too. I did so much for him and thank you didn't seem to be in his vocabulary. 1
Author Polar965 Posted February 28, 2016 Author Posted February 28, 2016 I keep going back to this list during times when I want to text, email, fb stalk him. It really helps. 1
Satu Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 To live Without you crushing Me To act and not react To you To address what was important To me My suitcase in the hall By the door I knew I would walk through You so sure I didn't have the strength To believe In Me 2
Author Polar965 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 OK, so here I sit, once again DEBATING texting/emailing, contacting the exBF because I continue to have feelings. Therefore I am going to do my own exercise again. 1) He spoke poorly about his ex gf's...always their faults. 2) His libido was gone and he didn't care. 3) He was a free loader. He attached himself to anyone who could "help" him. 4) He blew off my birthday and Christmas. 5) He had a fake business that he'd call himself the founder of. 6) He had no interest in dates. 7) He was a lazy dad to his kids. 8) He would post ridiculous self promoting things about himself on social media 9) He wore ugly shoes 10) He had questionable table manners.
CDJ Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) I wish I'd done this months ago!: • Every relationship she’d been in before ended badly (usually with them cheating on her, although I now doubt if that’s true). • She rarely ever admitted culpability or fallibility. • She showered me with very expensive gifts from very early on (as if it was a measure of love) which put pressure on me (I earned half what she did and don't have such rich parents). • She had planned to play two jokes on me: one where she’d ‘find’ a pair of ladies underwear; and another where she’d tell me she was pregnant. Quite a nasty thing to even contemplate doing! • She expected total and complete honesty but ultimately wasn’t open and honest with me. • Whenever she had something on her mind she wouldn’t tell me; I had to sense it and extract it out of her. • She’d suggest we weren’t compatible but then reject my offers to break-up, and messed me around for months like this. • She didn’t seem to have many close friends (her best friend was her own cousin) and once told me that she didn’t need friends! • She made me feel inadequate about my career/job/salary and quelled my PhD ambition. • Over time she eroded my self-esteem and jovial spirit. She tried to change me and then abandoned me mid-process, leaving me in a state of not being comfortable with whom I was any more. • She kept texting me after the break-up, saying she still loved me and sending me photos. It set me up for a fall whereby she asked me to come round to hers to deliver her birthday presents, and let me find her with a guy in her bed - and then blamed me for it, of course. Edited March 4, 2016 by CDJ 3
darkbloom Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 OK, so here I sit, once again DEBATING texting/emailing, contacting the exBF because I continue to have feelings. Therefore I am going to do my own exercise again. 1) He spoke poorly about his ex gf's...always their faults. 2) His libido was gone and he didn't care. 3) He was a free loader. He attached himself to anyone who could "help" him. 4) He blew off my birthday and Christmas. 5) He had a fake business that he'd call himself the founder of. 6) He had no interest in dates. 7) He was a lazy dad to his kids. 8) He would post ridiculous self promoting things about himself on social media 9) He wore ugly shoes 10) He had questionable table manners. The ugly shoes are a no go. There's no fixing poor tatse. 2
Author Polar965 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 The ugly shoes are a no go. There's no fixing poor tatse. Yes, in the end, this is what did it in.
Author Polar965 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I wish I'd done this months ago!: • Every relationship she’d been in before ended badly (usually with them cheating on her, although I now doubt if that’s true). • She rarely ever admitted culpability or fallibility. • She showered me with very expensive gifts from very early on (as if it was a measure of love) which put pressure on me (I earned half what she did and don't have such rich parents). • She had planned to play two jokes on me: one where she’d ‘find’ a pair of ladies underwear; and another where she’d tell me she was pregnant. Quite a nasty thing to even contemplate doing! • She expected total and complete honesty but ultimately wasn’t open and honest with me. • Whenever she had something on her mind she wouldn’t tell me; I had to sense it and extract it out of her. • She’d suggest we weren’t compatible but then reject my offers to break-up, and messed me around for months like this. • She didn’t seem to have many close friends (her best friend was her own cousin) and once told me that she didn’t need friends! • She made me feel inadequate about my career/job/salary and quelled my PhD ambition. • Over time she eroded my self-esteem and jovial spirit. She tried to change me and then abandoned me mid-process, leaving me in a state of not being comfortable with whom I was any more. • She kept texting me after the break-up, saying she still loved me and sending me photos. It set me up for a fall whereby she asked me to come round to hers to deliver her birthday presents, and let me find her with a guy in her bed - and then blamed me for it, of course. You are better off a free man. 2
thespacey1 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 It's something about cooking that we all identify with,lol... 1. I was D@MN tired of cooking him dinner for several reasons. I was falling out of love with him more or less. Plus,it made me eat more. I figured I wasn't about to slave over a meal and NOT eat... So sometimes I'd end up eating even when I wasn't really all that hungry...ughhhh.I hated that. 2. Got tired of hearing him being a hypocrite. He'd have different expectations for me than he'd have for himself . He didn't abide by some of his own rules...I ended up finding out later on. 3. He tried acting holier than thou one day and the next,he was acting like the devil. 4. He tried to "buy" me . 5. He was jealous and passive aggressive. 6. I got tired of him trying to tell me how to dress so that I wouldn't attract much attention. 7. He had a temper when things didn't go his way or when he wanted to deflect attention away from one of his insecurities. 8. He was attractive physically I feel, but he also had some physical flaws that I was willing to overlook. I'll withhold them for the sake of privacy... His attitude magnified his flaws 10 times and his voice started getting annoying. 9. He had a way of being extremely fault finding of me and nagging like a lil b*tch! There's probably more stuff but this list is bringing back some unpleasant memories... So I think it's best that I stop now to avoid revisiting too much. Good thread! 2
The_Dork_Lard Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I love these lists. I think a brilliant strategy for moving on is to read your list, and then imagine you'd never met your ex, but was shown your list instead. Would you still want to meet them? Would you go on a blind date with that person? 4
Author Polar965 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 I love these lists. I think a brilliant strategy for moving on is to read your list, and then imagine you'd never met your ex, but was shown your list instead. Would you still want to meet them? Would you go on a blind date with that person? Exactly. I would never have dated him knowing what I know now. Its in dealing with the confused emotions, because with the bad there was also good. Just not good enough. On that note, I STUPIDLY opened an email he sent me. The man is delusional and was speaking to me like he was going to give me one last chance to recognize my mistake of ending things. While I should have just deleted it, I didn't. I read it. But I think there is power in not responding. Instead, I will respond here. 1) I broke up with you. 2) Have fun in your middle aged man band. 3) I am stronger than you'll ever know. 4) I am content alone. A relationship is a luxury. Our relationship was anything but luxurious. In fact, our relationship became a chore. 5) I'm glad for you that women find you attractive. Let's see how long they find you attractive once they've been around you for a few months. 6) I have a date this weekend. 7) He has a good job, and so do I. 8) I have no idea where it will go but I most certainly plan on enjoying myself. 1
PLT Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I wish I'd done this months ago!: • Every relationship she’d been in before ended badly (usually with them cheating on her, although I now doubt if that’s true). • She rarely ever admitted culpability or fallibility. • She showered me with very expensive gifts from very early on (as if it was a measure of love) which put pressure on me (I earned half what she did and don't have such rich parents). • She had planned to play two jokes on me: one where she’d ‘find’ a pair of ladies underwear; and another where she’d tell me she was pregnant. Quite a nasty thing to even contemplate doing! • She expected total and complete honesty but ultimately wasn’t open and honest with me. • Whenever she had something on her mind she wouldn’t tell me; I had to sense it and extract it out of her. • She’d suggest we weren’t compatible but then reject my offers to break-up, and messed me around for months like this. • She didn’t seem to have many close friends (her best friend was her own cousin) and once told me that she didn’t need friends! • She made me feel inadequate about my career/job/salary and quelled my PhD ambition. • Over time she eroded my self-esteem and jovial spirit. She tried to change me and then abandoned me mid-process, leaving me in a state of not being comfortable with whom I was any more. • She kept texting me after the break-up, saying she still loved me and sending me photos. It set me up for a fall whereby she asked me to come round to hers to deliver her birthday presents, and let me find her with a guy in her bed - and then blamed me for it, of course. I identify so much with this list, apart from the last part thankfully. I would add to mine: - She needed constant validation from men that she was "hot". Just getting it from me wasn't enough - She preyed on my insecurities - She thinks she is "better" than me, in every way. In fact she thinks she is better than everyone. Massive superiority complex. - She had a thing about "keeping score" - She also had a thing about one upping any perceived disrespect, to the point of completely blanking my 9 year old son, who had done nothing disrespectful in my view. - She made mountains the size of Mons Olympus out of molehills. - She would never move forward from arguments. Nothing was ever resolved, it just snowballed into bigger and bigger arguments, bringing up all past wrongdoings every single time. - Great at conflict, not so great at conflict resolution - Never apologised when she was in the wrong - Loved using the silent treatment as a punishment - Witheld any sort of affection whenever she felt like it (You don't deserve hugs!) - Witheld sex then put all over social media that she was horny - Thinks that because shes a decent looking gal with a nice booty she can treat people like ****. - Not alot going on under the surface, apart from bitterness, contempt, and resentment - Loved putting me in no win "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situations. - Obsessed about who "wore the trousers" in the relationship - Was verbally abusive. I'm not sure I can think of a name that she hasn't called me, multiple times. - Manipulative as hell - Just out and out a nasty piece of work 1
Author Polar965 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 I identify so much with this list, apart from the last part thankfully. I would add to mine: - She needed constant validation from men that she was "hot". Just getting it from me wasn't enough - She preyed on my insecurities - She thinks she is "better" than me, in every way. In fact she thinks she is better than everyone. Massive superiority complex. - She had a thing about "keeping score" - She also had a thing about one upping any perceived disrespect, to the point of completely blanking my 9 year old son, who had done nothing disrespectful in my view. - She made mountains the size of Mons Olympus out of molehills. - She would never move forward from arguments. Nothing was ever resolved, it just snowballed into bigger and bigger arguments, bringing up all past wrongdoings every single time. - Great at conflict, not so great at conflict resolution - Never apologised when she was in the wrong - Loved using the silent treatment as a punishment - Witheld any sort of affection whenever she felt like it (You don't deserve hugs!) - Witheld sex then put all over social media that she was horny - Thinks that because shes a decent looking gal with a nice booty she can treat people like ****. - Not alot going on under the surface, apart from bitterness, contempt, and resentment - Loved putting me in no win "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situations. - Obsessed about who "wore the trousers" in the relationship - Was verbally abusive. I'm not sure I can think of a name that she hasn't called me, multiple times. - Manipulative as hell - Just out and out a nasty piece of work Good job! The withholding love and affection is tiresome. The keeping score thing, even more so. Is she out of your life for good? 1
Author Polar965 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 It's something about cooking that we all identify with,lol... 1. I was D@MN tired of cooking him dinner for several reasons. I was falling out of love with him more or less. Plus,it made me eat more. I figured I wasn't about to slave over a meal and NOT eat... So sometimes I'd end up eating even when I wasn't really all that hungry...ughhhh.I hated that. 2. Got tired of hearing him being a hypocrite. He'd have different expectations for me than he'd have for himself . He didn't abide by some of his own rules...I ended up finding out later on. 3. He tried acting holier than thou one day and the next,he was acting like the devil. 4. He tried to "buy" me . 5. He was jealous and passive aggressive. 6. I got tired of him trying to tell me how to dress so that I wouldn't attract much attention. 7. He had a temper when things didn't go his way or when he wanted to deflect attention away from one of his insecurities. 8. He was attractive physically I feel, but he also had some physical flaws that I was willing to overlook. I'll withhold them for the sake of privacy... His attitude magnified his flaws 10 times and his voice started getting annoying. 9. He had a way of being extremely fault finding of me and nagging like a lil b*tch! There's probably more stuff but this list is bringing back some unpleasant memories... So I think it's best that I stop now to avoid revisiting too much. Good thread! I put on weight with the whole dinner thing too. Since ending things a couple of weeks ago I"m already back down a few pounds. 1
PLT Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Good job! The withholding love and affection is tiresome. The keeping score thing, even more so. Is she out of your life for good? Oh it's a long story haha. The short version is we had been together just over 3 years. We have been on and off since last October. Its been a real rollercoaster since then and while I have been trying harder and harder to nmake things work, she has been getting nastier and nastier. Feb 24th was last contact from her. It was anniversary of my dads death and she threw another tantrum over nothing and rather than do what I usually did and sit there, take it and try to appease her I ended up getting up, walking out, and driving home. Since then she has completely blanked me. I have asked her why she is blanking me, is she dumping me without even having the human decency of telling me? No response. So today I sent her a message telling her she has until tomorrow to tell me if she wants any of her stuff back from my flat. Nothing major, just a cup i bought her, a meaningless wall plaque she got me for valentines day (I love you thing, like I said its meaningless now). Tomorrow I bin / smash / burn it all, and block every avenue I can for her to contact me. I'm not getting pulled back in 3 months down the line when shes bored of being single and realises that actually I was really good to her, and for her, and that if she'd just grow up (she is 42!!) and learn to resolve conflict rather than storing it all up as ammunition we could have made it work. Her loss. I await karma doing it's thing. With her, history will repeat itself. She is a classic example of a toxic person. 2
Loveandflowers Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 1) Compulsive liar 2) Needs attention from women 3) Tried to kiss my sister while drunk (eww, literally can't get worse than that) 4) Not good with school/money 5) Very perverted 6) Took me for granted/didn't respect me 7) Lied the entire time 8) Thinks he can control me 2
Author Polar965 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) And the list goes on: 1) He posts stupid inspirational quotes on his social media. 2) He posts links to articles on his social media that he hasn't even read himself because he doesn't read, just likes to look like he is versed in world affairs. 3) He gets relationship advice from a fellow Middle Aged Man band member who is 3 times divorced and has been alone for the past 2 years. 4) His daughter doesn't respect him and I'm starting to understand why 5) He thinks that telling women the are "hot" is not flirting. A relentless attention seeker. Edited March 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T 1
Author Polar965 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 1) Compulsive liar 2) Needs attention from women 3) Tried to kiss my sister while drunk (eww, literally can't get worse than that) 4) Not good with school/money 5) Very perverted 6) Took me for granted/didn't respect me 7) Lied the entire time 8) Thinks he can control me Tried to kiss your sister while drunk? Ooooo. How did he try to explain that one away? Keep him in the rearview. 1
thespacey1 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I put on weight with the whole dinner thing too. Since ending things a couple of weeks ago I"m already back down a few pounds. Yeah,... This can be deliberate on their behalf sometimes. Some men, not all...
thespacey1 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Oh it's a long story haha. The short version is we had been together just over 3 years. We have been on and off since last October. Its been a real rollercoaster since then and while I have been trying harder and harder to nmake things work, she has been getting nastier and nastier. Feb 24th was last contact from her. It was anniversary of my dads death and she threw another tantrum over nothing and rather than do what I usually did and sit there, take it and try to appease her I ended up getting up, walking out, and driving home. Since then she has completely blanked me. I have asked her why she is blanking me, is she dumping me without even having the human decency of telling me? No response. So today I sent her a message telling her she has until tomorrow to tell me if she wants any of her stuff back from my flat. Nothing major, just a cup i bought her, a meaningless wall plaque she got me for valentines day (I love you thing, like I said its meaningless now). Tomorrow I bin / smash / burn it all, and block every avenue I can for her to contact me. I'm not getting pulled back in 3 months down the line when shes bored of being single and realises that actually I was really good to her, and for her, and that if she'd just grow up (she is 42!!) and learn to resolve conflict rather than storing it all up as ammunition we could have made it work. Her loss. I await karma doing it's thing. With her, history will repeat itself. She is a classic example of a toxic person. Wow, she sounds like lots of drama and yes she needs to grow up. How old are you, if you don't mind?
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