Author xxCourt96xx Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) Is it really that common for a 19 year old girl to spend the night at her boyfriend's grandfather's house, in the boyfriend's bedroom, every night at three months into the relationship? I'm honestly curious, because I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that at your age. I never even slept in the same bed with a guy at my parents' (or his parents') home until I was married. Neither did any of my siblings. It was a respect thing. I stated in a previous post that my current home life situation is not faring so well. So I really don't like spending much time at home, and is likely the root cause of why I like to be at my boyfriend's house so much more than mine, though it's no excuse for overstaying my welcome. But I'm sure if the home situation wasn't so tense I'd probably be over here with him as much as I am there. The only thing I can do is ride it out until I can find my own place which will be probably sooner rather than later. Edited February 25, 2016 by xxCourt96xx Clarity
angel.eyes Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) I'm not about to let the situation change anything except how often I'm over. Yes, I was a little irritated when my boyfriend told me what was said, but at least he was honest. I like people who don't sugarcoat anything. At the end of the day, it's his house, his rules. If my boyfriend doesn't like his rules, ultimately he can move out. It's not going to change how polite and courteous I am. Let me try a different tack. If my brother moved in with me, his girlfriend squatting over every night would not be an option. Both would be summarily booted out if it persisted. Gramps didn't invite you to live with them. He has had the patience of a saint to let this go on. He's far too polite! He should be the one taking offense at the situation, not you. Why don't you have your boyfriend over at your place since you want to be around him all the time? Why not go out on dates??? Edited February 25, 2016 by angel.eyes
thecrucible Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I wouldn't take what your boyfriend's grandfather said personally. It is his house; his rules. I would respect his wishes and try and find something to do with your boyfriend outside the house or have him come to your house. I really don't think it is anything personal. Either he is old-fashioned in his values (and again values should be respected as his rules) or it's the simple fact of his routine being disrupted. This reminds of conversations I had with work colleagues over Christmas. We were talking about how when you have guests round you can never fully relax and do your thing because you feel responsible for them and for making a good impression. It's not like you dislike having guests, it's just good to have your own personal space when you need it.
Versacehottie Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I'm 19, about to be 20, so I'm still pretty naive about life I guess His grandpa is in his eighties, so there is quite a generation gap there. His grandpa was likely raised in a generation where unmarried sleepovers just don't happen, whereas in this day and age it's pretty common for unmarried couples to sleep over. I'm not about to let the situation change anything except how often I'm over. Yes, I was a little irritated when my boyfriend told me what was said, but at least he was honest. I like people who don't sugarcoat anything. At the end of the day, it's his house, his rules. If my boyfriend doesn't like his rules, ultimately he can move out. It's not going to change how polite and courteous I am. Well you sound like you have a great head on your shoulders for just 19!! I'm impressed--you sound very mature. Here's the thing about your situation. Yes, you are overstaying your welcome as pretty much everyone is saying. I really think you are caught in the middle of grandfather and boyfriend. Your boyfriend should have cleared it with his grandpa about if it was A) ok at all B) how often was acceptable C)and were there any conditions. Sounds like he just kinda presumed and didn't check because he wouldn't have liked the answer he would get. Unfortunately it's gonna affect you. You sound really polite but I don't think even the best behavior from you would make this ok with grandpa. He just isn't ok with the frequency and probably that it was never really cleared with him (at least in how it has turned out--nearly every night). I can see his point even if you are as sweet as you sound. As sweet and as good a guest as you sound, it all won't make up for the fact that grandpa didn't agree to let you move in--which is essentially what you've done. Now he's outnumbered and perhaps uncomfortable in his own home. I feel for him. It's a shame that things aren't good at your house with your family but if you can't afford to move out with roommates, your bf or on your own that's just your current status--and you can't just jump on a better living arrangement because it suits you and your bf if it was never ok'd by the homeowner. Don't give him any money for rent--unless grandpa himself suggests it and you come to an arrangement about how much and what it entails. If you did that it is an insult because again it is taking away his power of choice in the matter--which if you ask me is probably at the heart of why grandpa is upset. Also I don't know what rents are like where you live but in most places I know $50-80 would be an insult because it isn't even close to 1/3 of rent in most places. Grandpa is 80 and thought all the couch surfing days and visitors doing that were behind him. I bet he reluctantly let his grandson move in because he loves him unconditionally but it probably also isn't what he was expecting to do. Good luck--you sound really nice and I'm sure within a bit it will all work out. Best rec I can give is to get your own place (with roommates or alone). I wouldn't move in with bf yet, it's so soon and you are 19! Have some fun. Learn to be on your own, spread your wings. Get to know yourself. Take some physical distance from your family so you can repair that relationship. Unless your family is abusive or something like that, you will always need and be connected to each other so try to make the best relationship with them that you can, which is sometimes easier with a little space
scorpiogirl Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I'm 38, my grandfather just passed away at the age of 84. His home is my home. I don't "live at home" out of necessity. I basically run the house. I could have my own house if I wanted. I would never disrespect my grandfather by having a man sleep over. It wouldn't even occur to me. If your own home life is bad, that's really unfortunate, but don't make your problems the grandfathers problems. You're imposing on him. You and your boyfriend have no right to be upset at his expressing that he wants his space back. I would also resent having a stranger in my space. This was just thrust upon him. I also think it's disrespectful that you say you don't stop staying over there but that you will decrease the amount of times. If you and your boyfriend want to play house, do it in your own house. If I were the grandpa, I'd put my foot down about you.
Saracena Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Completely agree with everyone here-fully understand why his grandfather is unhappy with the situation. I remember I shared a house with a few others once. Practically every weekend and sometimes for far longer, someone's brother, sister, mother, grandmother etc was visiting. One had a completely neurotic sister who stayed for months on end causing all sorts of dramas in the process. Another had an unemployed ex staying there while I was away for the summer but still paying rent. Although quite sociable by nature, quite honestly I felt I could never relax fully in my own home with all these 'permanent' guests around!
Versacehottie Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 If you and your boyfriend want to play house, do it in your own house. This is IT ^^^^
Author xxCourt96xx Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 -Long- So we can all agree that constant intrusion on someone's household is wrong and disrespectful, even if you're not meaning to intrude. Flipping the situation around, hell I'd probably be a little miffed if my grandson had his girlfriend over, spending nights with her and *possibly* having sex with her under my roof. As polite as she may be towards me I'd still like my privacy. I'm kind of introverted so I would have probably put my foot down sooner. Like I said before, I'm glad the issue was raised or else it might have gone on longer. I strongly dislike being a burden or intruding on people's lives, it's actually one of my biggest fears, so you can all imagine how this has made me feel :o but more so, how his grandfather feels. In all honesty my boyfriend and I have kind of let it get out of hand...we're young, we're in love, we want to spend all of our time together. Technically, spending weeknights at his house really shouldn't be happening in the first place. He doesn't sleep as well when I'm around, which is fine on the weekends, but weekdays he needs his sleep, as he's training to be a licensed electrician. That and lack of sleep don't mix, and I don't know what I'd do if he got killed on the job because I was over the night before and he didn't get a good nights sleep. So, change really does need to happen for a lot of reasons
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