s. Would you consider this "overstaying my welcome"?

[xxCourt96xx]

Kind of long, and I'm not sure if this is even in the right category, since it really doesn't have much to do with my boyfriend, rather, his grandfather.

 

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for several months at this point. The newness is tapering and we're settling into what's becoming a pretty serious relationship. My boyfriend lives with his grandfather and I'm over pretty often, actually almost every night unless we need our space from each other. It's become a routine for my boyfriend during the week to pick me up when he gets off work at around 5pm, and then take me home in the morning when he goes to work at 6AM. (weekends are another story) I try to be a polite houseguest when I'm over and do my part by making dinner (which I buy everything I need) for them and cleaning up after myself. But usually when I'm there I'll just go upstairs and let the men talk (so it's almost as if I'm not there anyway). But apparently his grandfather has been raising the issue of me being over too often, and he doesn't like it. In fact, when I wasn't there one day, he expressed his relief to my boyfriend, much to his irritation.

 

I'm not saying I don't get where he's coming from lol, because yes, I am over a lot, but I'm having trouble seeing the big picture of why he's so unhappy having me over. I'm very quiet, but try to keep it a polite silence so I don't seem standoffish, I make dinner, I clean up after myself when I'm done, and usually my boyfriend and I are upstairs. I bought a box of treats for his dog and when I bring desserts that I made over I always offer him some. So I'm stumped and feeling like a burden at this point. Is it really overstaying your welcome when it's like you're not even there? The only solution I have is trying to be over less until my boyfriend gets his own place.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yes, it is. Even if you're out of the way, you're still a person in his house he didn't invite or have any personal connection too. Personally it'd drive me nuts having someone over THAT often, even if they tried to be a good guest. I like my space and you can't truly relax with another guest there, however polite they are.

 

Sounds like he's just sick of it and wants his house back for him, which is his right. At this stage you need to be spending less time there (why don't you hang at yours?) or to consider living together. Plus I'm guessing your boyfriend and his grandfather aren't equal roommates, does your boyfriend contribute less to the house or is he his granddad's lodger? Because if that's the case, the grandfather's rules go and your boyfriend ought to cut down on how often you go round (two or three times a week is plenty) or consider the above options if you want to see him as often as you currently do.

 

At the end of the day you don't have to understand his reasons, it's irrelevant, it's his house. He's made it clear it's getting a bit much, it would be respectful at this point to back off a little, I'm surprised your boyfriend hasn't put some restrictions in place himself. Stop trying to understand why and respect his decision, as it probably annoys him way more than he's letting on for him to have already gotten to the point of saying something.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's great you're trying to be accommodating but at the end of the day it's NOT your home, it's his grandfather home.

 

It's one thing to stay over occasionally but every night IS over staying your welcome especially if his grandfather didn't get any say in the matter.

 

It would annoy me as well.

 

Why not find your own place and move in together then?

 

Until then, you're right, the only solution is limit your sleepovers.

[smackie9]

He doesn't like you being there because you pay no rent, or contribute to the house hold like paying the electric or water bill or clean the house, etc. It's HIS house, and he wants it back.

 

I'm on his side. Your BF and you need to get your own place or go hang out somewhere else.

[introverted1]

Kind of long, and I'm not sure if this is even in the right category, since it really doesn't have much to do with my boyfriend, rather, his grandfather.

 

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for several months at this point. The newness is tapering and we're settling into what's becoming a pretty serious relationship. My boyfriend lives with his grandfather and I'm over pretty often, actually almost every night unless we need our space from each other. It's become a routine for my boyfriend during the week to pick me up when he gets off work at around 5pm, and then take me home in the morning when he goes to work at 6AM. (weekends are another story) I try to be a polite houseguest when I'm over and do my part by making dinner (which I buy everything I need) for them and cleaning up after myself. But usually when I'm there I'll just go upstairs and let the men talk (so it's almost as if I'm not there anyway). But apparently his grandfather has been raising the issue of me being over too often, and he doesn't like it. In fact, when I wasn't there one day, he expressed his relief to my boyfriend, much to his irritation.

 

I'm not saying I don't get where he's coming from lol, because yes, I am over a lot, but I'm having trouble seeing the big picture of why he's so unhappy having me over. I'm very quiet, but try to keep it a polite silence so I don't seem standoffish, I make dinner, I clean up after myself when I'm done, and usually my boyfriend and I are upstairs. I bought a box of treats for his dog and when I bring desserts that I made over I always offer him some. So I'm stumped and feeling like a burden at this point. Is it really overstaying your welcome when it's like you're not even there? The only solution I have is trying to be over less until my boyfriend gets his own place.

 

Yep.

 

Find another place to be at night until your bf (or you) gets his own place.

[xxCourt96xx]

Definitely going to be putting the brakes on, lol. I love my boyfriend and we have a good thing going but space is good. I think seeing each other every other day or so will get me out of his grandfather's hair enough. Also, I think another issue is actually the fact that I'm out of the way. I don't talk much...I do think it's kind of rude of me to not speak very much and instead hide upstairs. When I'm over I should talk to his grandfather more and maybe that might make him soften.

[xxCourt96xx]

He doesn't like you being there because you pay no rent, or contribute to the house hold like paying the electric or water bill or clean the house, etc. It's HIS house, and he wants it back.

 

I'm on his side. Your BF and you need to get your own place or go hang out somewhere else.

 

In your opinion, do you think it'd be beneficial for me to start contributing more since I'm there so much? I'm fully willing to, money isn't really an issue for me. I have a job and still live at home. I've been thinking about paying his grandfather $50-80 a month as a contribution. My boyfriend pays his way in the house and he's there as often as I am.

[acrosstheuniverse]

No! That just looks pushy and like you're trying to subtly move in. He doesn't want you there with a few extra dollars, he wants you there less altogether.

 

Also the fact you think every other day will 'give him some space' shows just how much you're misunderstanding this. You need to cut this back to once or twice a week at least initially, to show you've actually listened and are backing off.

 

Also you seem to be thinking that the problem is that when you're there you stay out of his hair, in what way do you think being around him more is gonna help? If the problem was him thinking you were rude then he'd have said that. He wants you round less. Don't force your company on him, that'll annoy him even more! You're trying to think of anything you can to make it okay with going round so much instead of actually considering not going round all the time.

[introverted1]

In your opinion, do you think it'd be beneficial for me to start contributing more since I'm there so much? I'm fully willing to, money isn't really an issue for me. I have a job and still live at home. I've been thinking about paying his grandfather $50-80 a month as a contribution. My boyfriend pays his way in the house and he's there as often as I am.

 

It's the grandfather's home. He has every right not to want a nightly guest. Presumably his arrangement with your bf was discussed and agreed upon before your bf moved in. That's not the case with you, so curtailing your presence makes sense.

[xxCourt96xx]

No! That just looks pushy and like you're trying to subtly move in. He doesn't want you there with a few extra dollars, he wants you there less altogether.

 

Also the fact you think every other day will 'give him some space' shows just how much you're misunderstanding this. You need to cut this back to once or twice a week at least initially, to show you've actually listened and are backing off.

 

Also you seem to be thinking that the problem is that when you're there you stay out of his hair, in what way do you think being around him more is gonna help? If the problem was him thinking you were rude then he'd have said that. He wants you round less. Don't force your company on him, that'll annoy him even more! You're trying to think of anything you can to make it okay with going round so much instead of actually considering not going round all the time.

 

 

I just feel guilty. My big issue (which I need to learn to get over) is that when someone has a problem with me is that I try to do everything in my power to make things better with them, which actually makes things worse. At this point I need to just back off. I know he likes me, I'm just there too much! I'm glad I posted this because I needed some real opinions. I like that nobody is sugarcoating it. I'm there too much, that's the end of it. Nothing I do will make it better except lessening my time there until my boyfriend can find his own place. That's it, point blank. Yeah my boyfriend and I both won't like seeing each other less but we'll figure it out.

[LydiaLong]

I would have put my foot down after the first week of your being there every night. You can't just invite yourself to someone's house. The fact that you KNOW the grandfather is uncomfortable with the situation ought to be a huge incentive for you to stop going over there. I would be embarrassed. If your boyfriend can't afford his own place, then maybe you should get your own place and have him over. Or invite him to your parents' house.

 

[]

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I agree with the other posters. You're overstaying your welcome.

 

And I concur that the real solution is not to offer money, but to cut back on the visits. What is your living situation at the moment? Can you boyfriend come to your home instead sometimes? Can either of you afford to move into your own place?

[xxCourt96xx]

Yes, I agree with the other posters. You're overstaying your welcome.

 

And I concur that the real solution is not to offer money, but to cut back on the visits. What is your living situation at the moment? Can you boyfriend come to your home instead sometimes? Can either of you afford to move into your own place?

 

My home life is very tense at the moment, and actually that might be one of the root causes when you look into it. I don't like to be home much, and my boyfriend's home is a quiet, peaceful environment..I mean it's no excuse at all for overstaying my welcome there. He can afford to get his own place, and eventually I'll be able to as well. It's something we'll have to discuss.

[lilmissjava]

Grandpa more than likely is feeling his space is being invaded. Older generations like the way things are and aren't so accepting to change. Especially if somewhere in the back of his mind it might turn into a permanent thing, even if it never will be.

 

Explain to BF that it doesn't have anything to do with not wanting to be with him, but you both need your own lives apart from each other and discuss where the time can be spent away from Grandpa's house.

 

Grandpa's house.

 

Grandpa's rules.

 

Give grandpa due respect.

[Erik30]

Every night is too much. It's nice of you to be thinking of offering to pay some rent, but my guess is it's not about that at all.

His grandfather might be a (very) private person, so he never really feels comfortable in his own home anymore because a "stranger" is always there.

[loveflower]

Grandpa more than likely is feeling his space is being invaded. Older generations like the way things are and aren't so accepting to change. Especially if somewhere in the back of his mind it might turn into a permanent thing, even if it never will be.

.

 

maybe older generations aren't comfortable with the modern cohabitation?

 

living together without marriage is a sin after all in older times.

[angel.eyes]

You sound really sweet and thoughtful, but yes, you're overstaying your welcome.

 

I suspect grandpa is also a little upset that he doesn't get as much time to bond and socialize with his grandson because his grandson is off in his room with you. He's left alone in his own house despite his grandson being around. No, that's not a suggestion for you to sit around chit chatting with his grandfather every evening.

 

Either have your boyfriend over to yours, or the two of you should go hang out somewhere besides grandpa's house until you can both afford your own place.

[angel.eyes]

maybe older generations aren't comfortable with the modern cohabitation?

 

living together without marriage is a sin after all in older times.

 

If she's in her 20's, then grandpa is probably in his 60's or 70's. That means he came of age in the Free Love 1960's sexual revolution. As reference, Gloria Steinem who was a huge advocate of feminism and the sexual revolution is 81. Today's grandparents didn't grow up in the Victorian age!

[upnorth]

I live with my mother. I moved in with her when she had to stop working due to health reasons. I pay the bills in the home, and I still don't have men spend the night here. Ever.

 

I dated a very nice man for several months who had moved in with his parents post divorce to bridge the gap between home ownership. He didn't pay to live at his parents house, and they were constantly telling me to come over and that I was welcome there....I think I slept there three times in six months.

 

Fortunately, he had a cottage so we were able to spend time there during the warm months, but point being, since me moving out of here is not a current option, we broke up. I don't know, it's just a respect thing...I was on excellent terms with his parents and even then , yeah...didn't want to intrude on their space.

 

In fact, my mother adores said gentleman I was dating, and today after work he used his truck to help us finish the remaining belongings into my grandmother's nursing home and then brought us a pizza as he knew we were packing all day...even then I said to my mother " do you mind if he stays for a while until the road clears?" As its storming today so he may be here for a few hours just hanging out...it's her space. Of course she said no problem, it just goes back to the dynamic of it all.

 

I wouldn't take personal offense to the whole thing, it is what it is. The gentleman I've mentioned is in the process of moving into his own home, so who knows, we may end up dating again. But with both us being in our parental homes when we met, it was not the right time.

[TaraMaiden2]

If she's in her 20's, then grandpa is probably in his 60's or 70's. That means he came of age in the Free Love 1960's sexual revolution. As reference, Gloria Steinem who was a huge advocate of feminism and the sexual revolution is 81. Today's grandparents didn't grow up in the Victorian age!

That's actually a gross generalisation.

Simply because one was around in the swinging 60's doesn't mean one joined in or enjoyed the period.

[clia]

Definitely going to be putting the brakes on, lol. I love my boyfriend and we have a good thing going but space is good. I think seeing each other every other day or so will get me out of his grandfather's hair enough. Also, I think another issue is actually the fact that I'm out of the way. I don't talk much...I do think it's kind of rude of me to not speak very much and instead hide upstairs. When I'm over I should talk to his grandfather more and maybe that might make him soften.

 

This all seems so...rushed. You've been dating this guy a few months and are already spending every evening and night with him, cooking him and his grandfather dinner, etc.? No wonder his grandfather isn't liking it. Don't you have friends, hobbies, need time to yourself, etc.?

 

I honestly don't think should be staying overnight at your boyfriend's grandfather's house, period. If you want to stay the night together, get a hotel room.

 

Further, limit yourself to a few hours over there a couple times a week. Surely you two can find other ways to see each other that don't involve camping out in your boyfriend's bedroom.

 

And for the love of God, don't offer to pay rent.

[xxCourt96xx]

I'm 19, about to be 20, so I'm still pretty naive about life I guess His grandpa is in his eighties, so there is quite a generation gap there. His grandpa was likely raised in a generation where unmarried sleepovers just don't happen, whereas in this day and age it's pretty common for unmarried couples to sleep over. I'm not about to let the situation change anything except how often I'm over. Yes, I was a little irritated when my boyfriend told me what was said, but at least he was honest. I like people who don't sugarcoat anything. At the end of the day, it's his house, his rules. If my boyfriend doesn't like his rules, ultimately he can move out. It's not going to change how polite and courteous I am.

[joseb]

I'm frankly amazed his grandfather has been this accommodating.

If it happened twice in a week, I'd have put my foot down right there.

5 times? Every week? You have basically moved in uninvited.

 

And not only is that unfair to his grandfather, it's way too much too soon for you two as well. You should not be living like a married couple a few months into a relationship at such a young age.

 

Cut back to once a week (max) at the grandfathers.

Let him stay over at yours once, if you can.

 

Then see each other once more for a date where you both go home.

 

That's plenty of time to spend together.

[RecentChange]

Yeah not cool at all. Besides the utilities, etc etc.

 

Maybe grandpa wants to walk around in his underwear and not worry about some young girl being in HIS house.

 

I really value my privacy. Oh the day I finally didn't have roommates any more, BLISS!!

 

The fact is, you are there way too much. Doesn't matter if you cook for them etc, your BF didn't go to gramps and ask if you could move in.

 

I would be majorly peeved with the situation. In fact, when I had my sister in law (late 20's) living with us (agreed upon), her BF spending the night a couple days a week became an issue real quick....

 

I also do not understand why you just go upstairs... while your BF hangs out with gramps. Seems like you could have stayed home.

 

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, time for BF to get his own place. You have WAY over stayed your welcome.

[clia]

I'm 19, about to be 20, so I'm still pretty naive about life I guess His grandpa is in his eighties, so there is quite a generation gap there. His grandpa was likely raised in a generation where unmarried sleepovers just don't happen, whereas in this day and age it's pretty common for unmarried couples to sleep over. I'm not about to let the situation change anything except how often I'm over. Yes, I was a little irritated when my boyfriend told me what was said, but at least he was honest. I like people who don't sugarcoat anything. At the end of the day, it's his house, his rules. If my boyfriend doesn't like his rules, ultimately he can move out. It's not going to change how polite and courteous I am.

 

Is it really that common for a 19 year old girl to spend the night at her boyfriend's grandfather's house, in the boyfriend's bedroom, every night at three months into the relationship? I'm honestly curious, because I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that at your age. I never even slept in the same bed with a guy at my parents' (or his parents') home until I was married. Neither did any of my siblings. It was a respect thing.