OXS550 Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Today is what I call day one of NC and regaining the power back. I'm not the one who usually needs advice, but gives it to many. A short version on my dilemma is my Fiance gets stressed and shuts down. Usually it may be a day or two, unless I lose control and start the accusations of cheating or lashing out because i'm hurt. Then it could be a week before we talk. My actions are caused by an insecurity that I have and no reason to have it. Backstory is we met online and she was going through a nasty divorce. I'm the supportive type, so I told her we can live our life and be happy while it took place. That's what we did, despite constant stress and issues caused by her ex. 2.5 years and almost 200K later she was divorced. Unfortunately she lost primary of her son and has to pay the ex child support (He's Loaded). This is unheard of in Texas, but with enough money and political power it happens. That started her downfall of depression, which no amount of support I gave helped her. Her friends turned on her for her ex and her family pushed her to fight this battle in court instead of making a deal. So she blames them for her loss. She has no one except me. So here is my dilemma. I don't want to quit on this girl even though I need to regain control and not get walked on. Advice from people i know is to move on and let her continue to fall down the rabbit hole. I just wasn't raised that way. I come from a family where grandparents were married for 51 and 71 years. They had to have hated each other at some point. I'm not conceited at all, but I have never had a problem finding someone. And despite options out there, I just want to help her fix her issues and work through them, not date someone else. Its been about 3.5 years we've been together, she recently lost our baby after 14 weeks, her 5 year old I've known since before he could talk and he thinks i'm his father. I know i'm doing whats best for me by not contacting her and putting myself first, but i'm not just losing her, i'm losing my son as well. After her depression episodes she will come back and apologize, you would think it never happened. I just can't keep worrying about someone I love, not knowing if they are dead, with someone else etc. But if I give up she is alone and there's that chance she may never get past her depression. I know i'm not her father and I can't fix/change the way anyone thinks. After 16 years and 4 engagements I have learned relationships come and go. But this one is different then the others and i'm torn on what to do.
Dis Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Today is what I call day one of NC and regaining the power back. I'm not the one who usually needs advice, but gives it to many. A short version on my dilemma is my Fiance gets stressed and shuts down. Usually it may be a day or two, unless I lose control and start the accusations of cheating or lashing out because i'm hurt. Then it could be a week before we talk. My actions are caused by an insecurity that I have and no reason to have it. Backstory is we met online and she was going through a nasty divorce. I'm the supportive type, so I told her we can live our life and be happy while it took place. That's what we did, despite constant stress and issues caused by her ex. 2.5 years and almost 200K later she was divorced. Unfortunately she lost primary of her son and has to pay the ex child support (He's Loaded). This is unheard of in Texas, but with enough money and political power it happens. That started her downfall of depression, which no amount of support I gave helped her. Her friends turned on her for her ex and her family pushed her to fight this battle in court instead of making a deal. So she blames them for her loss. She has no one except me. So here is my dilemma. I don't want to quit on this girl even though I need to regain control and not get walked on. Advice from people i know is to move on and let her continue to fall down the rabbit hole. I just wasn't raised that way. I come from a family where grandparents were married for 51 and 71 years. They had to have hated each other at some point. I'm not conceited at all, but I have never had a problem finding someone. And despite options out there, I just want to help her fix her issues and work through them, not date someone else. Its been about 3.5 years we've been together, she recently lost our baby after 14 weeks, her 5 year old I've known since before he could talk and he thinks i'm his father. I know i'm doing whats best for me by not contacting her and putting myself first, but i'm not just losing her, i'm losing my son as well. After her depression episodes she will come back and apologize, you would think it never happened. I just can't keep worrying about someone I love, not knowing if they are dead, with someone else etc. But if I give up she is alone and there's that chance she may never get past her depression. I know i'm not her father and I can't fix/change the way anyone thinks. After 16 years and 4 engagements I have learned relationships come and go. But this one is different then the others and i'm torn on what to do. I think you have your answer in those bold sentences. I think youre torn between your love for her and your own wants and needs. At the end of the day you cant fix anyone, you can only fix yourself. ****Is she giving you as much as youre giving her?**** I assume shes not because of how depressed she is. And considering this issue revolves around her children and her ex seems like he runs the show....this may never get resolved...***Do you want to stick around for that?**** It seems you are trying to fix her while putting yourself and your happiness on the back burner. And yes many couples stay together for decades but it doesnt mean they are happy...it just means divorce wasnt acceptable in those days. I think your fighting a losing battle. I think its time for you to break free and be happy whether thats on youre own or with someone else.
todreaminblue Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 im going to differ on what others have said maybe its because i have depressive episodes......and am bias..... i know that when i am in a relationship and going through depression if i become different or hard to live with...i get help......if i feel i am struggling anyway and not with anyone( i live with my family) i get help......no matter how depressed i am i dont want others to feel anything but happy...not worried...not insecure...not unhappy......and certainly not responsible for me...i am responsible for them...in getting help for myself to cope and they support me any way they can....so i can run my house again.....if anything i feel sometimes a burden on my family because i get really down ....and that i am not proud of.....i know sometimes i am hard to deal with....i go to hospital then though you cant deal with this yourself...from experience i say you need support as much as she does...a network of professional support and familial support....can you get that...and does she recognise that she needs some help to cope..maybe even meds.........and that your relationship wont handle the strain unless some sort of help is sought for the both of you....this would be the first step...is a conversation about what you need to do for you and what she needs to do for herself.... to have yours and her relationship stay steady and safe... you know its not easy dealing with a depressed person and its often much easier to let go than to stay...but your heart knows which is for you.....i wish you well......deb
Author OXS550 Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 Thank you both for the opinions. I'm definitely going to get myself stronger, so i'm ready for the future. It's a weird feeling because emotionally this interrupts my day but I to this date have never met anyone like her. As far as work, life and friends, I don't let it control me. I don't know if I just like charity cases, but i'm in a profession I originally joined to help people who needed it. But due to that, I know people only change when they choose. Couple weeks ago we were discussing counselors and meds. Which she is willing to due, the down side is when she trys to get primary back she's afraid how that will look. And that pisses me off so much... because we seek help with treatment or medication, you're apparently a bad person. Physically I could replace the void (date immediately), but mentally its not gonna be there. So i'm not going to hurt someone else because im hurting. No one deserves to get 50% of me, nor do I deserve 50% of anyone else. I guess the bigger question here is, how do I stop loving my 5 year old who did nothing. Realistically i understand hes not my biological child, but i've spent almost 4 years raising him like he is. Her I can be mad at or hurt and use it to progress.
todreaminblue Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Thank you both for the opinions. I'm definitely going to get myself stronger, so i'm ready for the future. It's a weird feeling because emotionally this interrupts my day but I to this date have never met anyone like her. As far as work, life and friends, I don't let it control me. I don't know if I just like charity cases, but i'm in a profession I originally joined to help people who needed it. But due to that, I know people only change when they choose. Couple weeks ago we were discussing counselors and meds. Which she is willing to due, the down side is when she trys to get primary back she's afraid how that will look. And that pisses me off so much... because we seek help with treatment or medication, you're apparently a bad person. Physically I could replace the void (date immediately), but mentally its not gonna be there. So i'm not going to hurt someone else because im hurting. No one deserves to get 50% of me, nor do I deserve 50% of anyone else. I guess the bigger question here is, how do I stop loving my 5 year old who did nothing. Realistically i understand hes not my biological child, but i've spent almost 4 years raising him like he is. Her I can be mad at or hurt and use it to progress. when i split with my ex of fifteen years i had to go to hospital.....on more than one occasion the worst beign when he left.......i have five children and never lost custody of them.....i may have depression and a slew of other mental issues......i have not lost primary custody..ever...even when in hospital.......because my eyes are on what is best for the kids(who arent really kids anymore)...it is what keeps me going.....and honestly if i didnt get help i might have lost them.....i would have died.....depression kills..... if she were to get help it would help her case not hinder it.....doctors could support her case if she were on a treatment plan.....family counselling therapy....meds....ect i have done whatever it takes to keep me ticking...........and her responsibility is to get help......i always say never going back again after coming out of hospital...the truth is...if i need to get help...i get it...i have a responsibility to do so...for me and the peopel around me ...who are affected by my illness...and it hasnt affected my parental status at all....i have had child services come around...they are always satisfied my kids are safe with me.....and they are.....my ex knows i do my best and has always known that.....that helps too.... if you feel that you cant be in it to go through it with her.....its kinder for you to let go....if she is a good person..in time and healing and support......you might be able to work it out to have access or visitation with and to the child......it would probably be in his best interest to continue and maintain the bond that you two have together......if you have raised him since birth....deb
EatYourVeggies Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Usually it may be a day or two, unless I lose control and start the accusations of cheating or lashing out because i'm hurt. Then it could be a week before we talk. My actions are caused by an insecurity that I have and no reason to have it. The fact that a married woman sought you out (and others before you) while "stressed" in the midst of going through a divorce haunts you. How she handles "stress" and the fact her moral compass doesn't exactly point north is why your "gut" / "instincts" SCREAMS at you when she disappears that something is going on. I have not once heard a similar story where the person in your shoes worst nightmare did not come true and in none of them did they ever have a happy ending. Backstory is we met online and she was going through a nasty divorce. I'm the supportive type Supportive type? That isn't the description I would have used. I don't want to quit on this girl even though I need to regain control and not get walked on. This is simply not possible. Haven't you heard? "Captain Save A Ho" never ever gets the girl in the end. She ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS leaves you for someone else and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. NC won't work, 180 won't work, making her jealous won't work, her hitting bottom won't work, nothing will ever work, not for the long haul anyway. I hate to be blunt and tell you this but she does not respect you because you do not respect yourself. How could she with you dating a married woman going through a divorce with 3 truckloads of baggage, disappearing for long periods of time when you believe she is cheating (and have very good reason to feel that way) and you constantly taking her back, etc. is not something a healthy normal guy would think of considering much less do. Plus, you have seen her at her absolute worst. IF / WHEN she ever gets on her feet again (using you and others in the process), she will find / meet someone else who didn't see all of that and only knows her at her "best" and someone who she respects from the get go. Advice from people i know is to move on and let her continue to fall down the rabbit hole. I just wasn't raised that way. I come from a family where grandparents were married for 51 and 71 years. They had to have hated each other at some point. First off, you also are not suppose to ignore 1,000 flashing neon signs and waving red flags or confuse dating / relationships with marriage likes its "till death due you part". I'm not conceited at all, but I have never had a problem finding someone. After 16 years and 4 engagements I have learned relationships come and go. You sure your GF / fiance picker isn't defective? Me thinks it might be defective and in need of some repair. I just want to help her fix her issues and work through them, not date someone else. Is this really what you think you deserve or the best that you think you can do? That is not why you were put on this earth and you deserve A LOT more than being someones shrink, therapist, problem solver, pastor, father, shoulder to cry on, work mule, wallet, sperm donor, whipping boy, etc. I know i'm not her father and I can't fix/change the way anyone thinks. You do not believe that because you would have left a long time ago and certainly after the third or forth time. Not to mention you said the very opposite the quote right above this one. But this one is different then the others. Of course you would say that, it's "Captain Save A Ho" catch phrase and he is says it often. Don't believe me, spend some time and read back the last 50 pages in the Break up, Other Man / Woman and Divorce Forums and you will see they all end with the same outcome in-spite of him say the exact same thing. Listen... I am not saying that your Ex is an evil person and without a doubt she is surely going through a very difficult time. However, you want to meet someone on the OTHER SIDE of this who has worked through their issues and in a good place, healthy and actually has something to offer. Not when / where / how you did and are still attempting to do. 1
Dis Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Thank you both for the opinions. I'm definitely going to get myself stronger, so i'm ready for the future. It's a weird feeling because emotionally this interrupts my day but I to this date have never met anyone like her. As far as work, life and friends, I don't let it control me. I don't know if I just like charity cases, but i'm in a profession I originally joined to help people who needed it. But due to that, I know people only change when they choose. Couple weeks ago we were discussing counselors and meds. Which she is willing to due, the down side is when she trys to get primary back she's afraid how that will look. And that pisses me off so much... because we seek help with treatment or medication, you're apparently a bad person. Physically I could replace the void (date immediately), but mentally its not gonna be there. So i'm not going to hurt someone else because im hurting. No one deserves to get 50% of me, nor do I deserve 50% of anyone else. I guess the bigger question here is, how do I stop loving my 5 year old who did nothing. Realistically i understand hes not my biological child, but i've spent almost 4 years raising him like he is. Her I can be mad at or hurt and use it to progress. I have had first hand experience with severe depression and youre right, only those that want help can get better. I'm just concerned your putting your own mental health and happiness in jeopardy to help her throught this tough time that seems to be 1. Long in duration 2. Not getting any better. I'm aware that your attached to the kid and I understand why. But him and his mom are a packaged deal. If you want the kid to be your life you may have to sacrifice your happiness because you'll be forced to be with her
ilovemefirst Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Her ex has custody of her son...but he thinks your his father? I'm a bit lost...
Author OXS550 Posted February 26, 2016 Author Posted February 26, 2016 Her ex has custody of her son...but he thinks your his father? I'm a bit lost... Long story, hes only had primary since Jan 15. Very abusive and constantly tries to tell her son shes leaving him etc. But his own father treated him the same its no surprise. We explained to him i'm not his real dad and not trying to replace his, just more of an additional parent. But he says I am his dad to him. And I think EatYourVeggies put my situation in the best perspective anyone has. I read that last night and it was an eye opener for me. Knowing her shes going to reach out, its just what she does. But its up to me to stop being the doormat because she needs a crutch. It will be a tuff road ahead, but i know shes not the only on out there, or better then the rest (potential was there). I'm stubborn and strong willed, but concerned about every angle shes going to try. She'll use the boy, need some sort of police help or just beg and plead. All that **** aside, our apartment is full of 90% of her crap and the boys. I don't exactly know what to do with it all.
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