TooMuchThinking Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Hey there. Not sure if this is the right forum for this. But been feeling really down this week. I'm not so much pining over my ex, or even in love with him anymore....right now I'm just so full of guilt. My ex and I had a VERY intense relationship and a messy breakup. After our breakup I went a bit off the deep end. Begging, Pleading, Crying. Doing anything I could to get him back. I felt so out of control - and I was trying desperately to get attention from him. I was met with breadcrumbs and manipulation. Instead of seeing his manipulation for what it was I became mean. I got vindictive. I tried to lash out and hurt him in any way that I could. It was like I was in a fog - I couldn't control how angry and hurt I was. Obviously he now wants nothing to do with me. And I think that is what I was subconsciously trying to achieve. I had to act terribly to be able to get over it. But now I'm stuck with this guilt. I was the crazy ex. There is a person out there who hates me and can say terrible things about me. And they are all true. I was someone I never wanted to be. I'm in therapy and getting help to deal with my sadness and anger. But I just feel so guilty. Like I'm a terrible person and I will never deserve happiness again. I'm so embarrassed by my actions. I dont want to even be in the same city as him anymore. Will I ever forgive myself?
Chi townD Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Hey there. Not sure if this is the right forum for this. But been feeling really down this week. I'm not so much pining over my ex, or even in love with him anymore....right now I'm just so full of guilt. My ex and I had a VERY intense relationship and a messy breakup. After our breakup I went a bit off the deep end. Begging, Pleading, Crying. Doing anything I could to get him back. I felt so out of control - and I was trying desperately to get attention from him. I was met with breadcrumbs and manipulation. Instead of seeing his manipulation for what it was I became mean. I got vindictive. I tried to lash out and hurt him in any way that I could. It was like I was in a fog - I couldn't control how angry and hurt I was. Obviously he now wants nothing to do with me. And I think that is what I was subconsciously trying to achieve. I had to act terribly to be able to get over it. But now I'm stuck with this guilt. I was the crazy ex. There is a person out there who hates me and can say terrible things about me. And they are all true. I was someone I never wanted to be. I'm in therapy and getting help to deal with my sadness and anger. But I just feel so guilty. Like I'm a terrible person and I will never deserve happiness again. I'm so embarrassed by my actions. I dont want to even be in the same city as him anymore. Will I ever forgive myself? Yeah, you can. It will take some time. But, you need to learn from your behavior. Were you hurt? Were you angry? Sure! And you're allowed to feel that way. But, you really didn't say what you did to be vindictive. But, whatever it was, didn't allow you to walk away with your dignity. In situations like this, you have to learn to hold your head up high and walk away. Yes, you will be in pain and angry; feeling like you were tossed aside. But, I have a feeling you're feeling guilty because you went bat sh*t crazy. Give yourself some time and try not to think about it.
Kevin_D Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 You're not alone. I'm so ashamed of how I handled my first breakup. I insulted her dad, sent her 10 emails every day... I hated the fact that she didn't seem to care, so I tried to act like an unpredictable weirdo just to make her feel uncomfortable. Just like you, I realised that I only punished myself. I felt like such a loser afterwards and it affected my confidence big-time. I've been dumped two times since. The first time I did some crying and begging, but as soon as I realised that her decision was final, I went NC. The second time I just said "I respect your decision" and never contacted her again. So, just learn from your mistakes. Everything will be fine.
kasop Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 You will forgive yourself with time.. i have definitely committed the same acts as said. Its hard being dumped. Just learn that anything less of complete NC is just going to cause you more and more pain
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