Girlfriend needing a break

[Birmingham]

Hey guys!

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 1/2 years and almost 3. The other night we were talking and in the middle of the conversation see started talking about needing some time to think. I was kinda shocked by this since everything in our relationship seemed by okay and she has never said anything before. We just spent the valentines weekend together in her hometown with her family and friends.

 

When she said this I really didnt know what to say so I let her have what she wanted. The next day I was pretty depressed since I have always been planning on proposing to her once she was closer to graudation in a few years from her advanced schooling. I was able to talk to some of her best friends to try and get an idea of why she needed time. From all of her college friends and high school friends that I have met through the years they all have told me that I was the perfect guy for her. Her best friend was able to talk to her for me and this is what she found out: "Knowing her for as long as I've known her, she is terrible at making decisions and has to think things over forever before she can commit to something. I think this ring business scared her a bit, and she's not ready to commit fully yet. It's nothing against you, that's just her. I think she's just overwhelmed with life right now and needs some space and time for herself. Not to go around and find another guy by any means...just to be herself and think about things, and sort everything out in her head."

 

I was able to talk to my girlfriend for a bit after this and this is what she told me "I guess I'm kind of seeing that we are very different people for the first time..."

 

During our relationship I only knew her for a few months before I deployed for nearly a year. She said when i came back everything seemed "new" again.

 

Right now I am giving her the space/time that she wants to hopefully let her get everything out of her mind and hopefully she will come back and want to continue the relationship. I think I probably made a few mistakes such as wanting to text/call her often or always want to hang out since we live an hour away. This break can be a good thing which it has allowed me to focus on the things that used to make my happy by spending more time with my family/friends and getting back into the shape that I used to be.

 

Anyone have any comments that will help? Knowing her family and friends, she is not the type of person that would start finding another guy to date without actually breaking up.

 

Also her birthday is coming up in a few weeks (almost a month of no contact) and I am planning on sending her some flowers and just have a simple note such as "Happy Birthday"

[PegNosePete]

she is not the type of person that would start finding another guy to date without actually breaking up.

We see that a lot on this forum, so much so in fact that I can quite confidently say, they all say that. Nobody thinks their partner would cheat on them, but then a week or a month or a year later they find out they are.

 

It seems to me that there is definitely someone else on the radar, and her friend that you talked to was covering for her.

 

Whenever you agree to a "break", you should always be clear on the ground rules. Can you date others? If you don't agree this, she will tell you that she wasn't cheating since you were "on a break". Also, don't let her keep you in purgatory forever. Tell her that you will not hang around waiting for her to decide on your future and if she wants you to give her space, she needs to give you a timeframe.

 

Personally I would never agree to a break in the first place. If someone needs time apart it means the relationship is dead. I never heard of any relationship where a break solved anything.

[ontar]

Nothing you can do except give her time and space and let her decide.

 

Send her flowers and card for her birthday. Nothing mushy.

 

"Happy Birthday" will suffice.

[kztar]

This is weird. There might or might not be someone else on the radar but don't be surprised if there is. Breaks can be good but at the same time they are probably not a good idea. This relationship sounds like is on the road to DEAD like mine was. I would suggest to keep an open mind to a breakup. You will only hurt yourself if you have the perfect idea that it can be great again. When I was with my EX we didnt take a break but we distanced each other for a bit and when I thought things were finally getting better, THE BOMB, he blew up and dumped me. He claimed that there is no other girl but I think that there is DEF something hidden there. Just prepare yourself.

 

Good luck

[Chi townD]

Dude, she has GIGS. The Grass is Greener syndrome. This isn't taking a break. It's a break up. She's putting more of a value on being single and partying and seeing other guys than being in a relationship with you. I mean, it's pretty obvious if you've been NC for one month and she hasn't even tried to reach out to you.

 

 

So, here are some harsh realities. She's probably went out on some dates with some guys already. Or she's given out her number a couple of times at the club. She's probably doing some things that she normally wouldn't do when she was with you. Partying, increased drinking and maybe some drug experimentation.

 

 

I'm not trying to tell you this to get you angry or to make you feel bad. But, she's living her life while she has you wasting your time sitting on the sidelines and putting your life on hold hoping she'll come back because she filled you up with false hope.

 

 

Bottomline, she made a choice and unfortunately it wasn't you. She made a choice to have you out of her life. She, basically, fired you and told you your services as a boyfriend is no longer required. So, you need to move on with your life and start living your life as if she isn't coming back. Because; chances are, she's not.

 

 

So, forget about sending her anything for her birthday. Go complete NC. You need to block her on your social media. She needs to see what life is going to be like without you in it. You are not her friend. I'm pretty sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her for the ultimate conclusion is that you are nothing more than "a really good friend" to her.

 

 

Start focusing on the ONLY thing you have control over and that is YOU and your LIFE! Keep busy. Make positive changes in your life. Get into the gym. Get new hobbies. Travel and see the world. Go back to school. Better yourself in every way and don't worry about her.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a woman. The only time I have requested space from a boyfriend (when I was much younger!) was when I knew I was on my way out for good.

 

Of course, I cannot speak for her. But I would brace yourself that this could very well be the end.

 

Don't let this drag out for weeks. I promise you, her mind is probably almost already made up anyway. Let her know that you don't do breaks; if she wants to be single, you will also consider yourself single.

Edited February 24, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Birmingham]

Hey guys!

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 1/2 years and almost 3. The other night we were talking and in the middle of the conversation see started talking about needing some time to think. I was kinda shocked by this since everything in our relationship seemed by okay and she has never said anything before. We just spent the valentines weekend together in her hometown with her family and friends.

 

When she said this I really didnt know what to say so I let her have what she wanted. The next day I was pretty depressed since I have always been planning on proposing to her once she was closer to graudation in a few years from her advanced schooling. I was able to talk to some of her best friends to try and get an idea of why she needed time. From all of her college friends and high school friends that I have met through the years they all have told me that I was the perfect guy for her. Her best friend was able to talk to her for me and this is what she found out: "Knowing her for as long as I've known her, she is terrible at making decisions and has to think things over forever before she can commit to something. I think this ring business scared her a bit, and she's not ready to commit fully yet. It's nothing against you, that's just her. I think she's just overwhelmed with life right now and needs some space and time for herself. Not to go around and find another guy by any means...just to be herself and think about things, and sort everything out in her head."

 

I was able to talk to my girlfriend for a bit after this and this is what she told me "I guess I'm kind of seeing that we are very different people for the first time..."

 

During our relationship I only knew her for a few months before I deployed for nearly a year. She said when i came back everything seemed "new" again.

 

Right now I am giving her the space/time that she wants to hopefully let her get everything out of her mind and hopefully she will come back and want to continue the relationship. I think I probably made a few mistakes such as wanting to text/call her often or always want to hang out since we live an hour away. This break can be a good thing which it has allowed me to focus on the things that used to make my happy by spending more time with my family/friends and getting back into the shape that I used to be.

 

Anyone have any comments that will help? Knowing her family and friends, she is not the type of person that would start finding another guy to date without actually breaking up.

 

Also her birthday is coming up in a few weeks (almost a month of no contact) and I am planning on sending her some flowers and just have a simple note such as "Happy Birthday"

 

 

I should add she is in pharmacy school and will be doing rotations next year and was going to stay with me through 2 of them (4 months total) which she intentionally picked to be near me. I brought this up because I had to resign my current lease for next year and wanted to find out what i needed to do with my apartment complex about this.

 

Both her and her family are very religious (catholic) and go to church on a weekly basis.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, do you feel her study plans or religious background might be factoring in to her request for space? I'm not sure what the connection is, but maybe you can clarify.

[central]

People sometimes ask for a break for good reasons (such as to re-evaluate a relationship when it hasn't been fully intentional or examined), and sometimes they want to check out someone they've met, without the guilt of cheating.

 

So, hopefully it is the first reason, and not the second. Not that you can do much if it is, other than be aware that either way this could be the beginning of the end, unless reflection leads her to believe that this relationship has a good future.

[Birmingham]

OP, do you feel her study plans or religious background might be factoring in to her request for space? I'm not sure what the connection is, but maybe you can clarify.

 

Religious factor wont be part of the need for space since I am also religious even if I do not go to church on a weekly basis. That is one thing I am trying to change since I used to go every week but eventually quit going except when I was with her.

 

I think the study part could be part of it because she is in her last semester of actual classes before she starts doing rotations and could just be stressed out between that and the relationship. I think I can be part to blame because I have been pretty stubborn more lately than usual and I think its partly because I am stressed out between going back to school (age 25 using military benefits) and not doing some of the things that used to make me happy such as spending more time with my family and friends.

[Birmingham]

People sometimes ask for a break for good reasons (such as to re-evaluate a relationship when it hasn't been fully intentional or examined), and sometimes they want to check out someone they've met, without the guilt of cheating.

 

So, hopefully it is the first reason, and not the second. Not that you can do much if it is, other than be aware that either way this could be the beginning of the end, unless reflection leads her to believe that this relationship has a good future.

 

I would have to say it is most likely the first situation just because the way her friends have always told me that I am the perfect guy for her and her entire family which I have got to know pretty close always seemed to like me.

 

Thank you!

[ExpatInItaly]

I would have to say it is most likely the first situation just because the way her friends have always told me that I am the perfect guy for her and her entire family which I have got to know pretty close always seemed to like me.

 

Thank you!

 

It's great that they all think very highly of you, OP. Honestly. It says a lot about your character that the most important people in her life hold you in such high esteem.

 

But the unfortunate reality (having been there myself, on both sides of this equation!) is that they are not the ones in the relationship. For some reason, she isn't feeling it right now and that's what matters most. It's a tough pill to swallow, but in the end, their opinions of you and your relationship won't matter very much. I only say that because I don't want you to pin hope on what everyone else thinks - the only thing that really counts is what she herself says.

[carotini]

Both her and her family are very religious (catholic) and go to church on a weekly basis.

What does that have to do with anything?

 

OP, you say you’ve talked to her family and friends and they think you two are the perfect couple. Well, the decision isn’t up to them and frankly, you shouldn’t be talking to others so much about your relationship. You say she’s not the type to start seeing someone else without first breaking up – well, you don’t KNOW that. Regardless, just because she may not be seeing someone else doesn’t mean she wants to remain with you. Sorry, but it’s the truth. You seem to be making a lot of excuses for her and hanging onto hope that everything will go back to the way it was. I just don't see that happening.

I'm a woman. The only time I have requested space from a boyfriend (when I was much younger!) was when I knew I was on my way out for good.

 

Of course, I cannot speak for her. But I would brace yourself that this could very well be the end.

 

Don't let this drag out for weeks. I promise you, her mind is probably almost already made up anyway. Let her know that you don't do breaks; if she wants to be single, you will also consider yourself single.

 

I agree completely with this. Also, I wouldn't let it drag out. A Happy Birthday card would be okay, but skip the flowers. Cards and flowers aren't going to change anything - don't kid yourself.

[Jim nine three]

This break can be a good thing which it has allowed me to focus on the things that used to make my happy by spending more time with my family/friends and getting back into the shape that I used to be.

 

 

You sound conflicted here.Just to clarify,is a relationship what you truly want with this girl?

[Vincenator]

My ex-gf's friends liked me, her family liked me, and everything seemed well within the relationship. I did my best to treat her like a queen, went out of my way to be there for her and support her and her friends/family literally said I spoil her a lot. Then, out of nowhere, she brought up wanting to go on a break, and it ended with a breakup within weeks. Breaks are never a good sign imo